Social Customs

Who does not delight in fine manners? Their charm cannot be predicted or overstated.—Emerson

THE man who made the first map of the earth's surface had a comparatively easy task to fulfil. Like Columbus, the world lay before him where to choose; he was not obliged to respect the prejudices nor the landmarks of any predecessor, but could draw freely upon his own imagination. The last maker of atlases has a very different work to do. His fancy can make no lofty flights; cold realities fence him in on every side. Not an island, not a wretched little cape can he omit; he must copy all his predecessors, and yet he must create a new work. "It is the last step which costs," he exclaims in the bitterness of his heart, and longs for those ancient days of geographical license when turtles, elephants, and serpents figured in place of North and South America.

It is with somewhat similar feelings that the writer of this little volume has entered upon her task. The difficulty of writing a new discourse upon so old a theme as manners is greater than might appear to one who had given the subject no thought. The old charts must constantly be consulted, and the general outlines ​of the new must in great measure correspond with them. The great social continents, the moral Baffin's Bays and Hudson's Straits must be represented as they always have been, in all essential particulars, and yet the whole must be no servile copy, no mere reproduction. The writer has attempted, therefore, to give a bird's-eye view, as it were, of her subject, in order that she might be enabled to depart a little from the beaten track, and also because it has seemed to her that such a view was the most correct one. One cannot judge of the merits of a picture if one stands too near it; and the theme of manners is one that admits of a moral perspective.

It was the wish of the publishers, Messrs. Estes and Lauriat, that this book should be something more than a mere set of rules for behavior; that it should contain some reflections on the reason and origin of social customs. To enter deeply into such a matter would of course be impossible in a volume of this size and scope; but it has been touched upon here and there as opportunity offered. If the reader finds as much pleasure in reading these little details of ancient customs as the writer has enjoyed in collecting them, she will feel amply repaid for her labor.

Another great difficulty which confronts all writers upon American etiquette is, that many matters of detail are not definitely settled in our social code. About the great general principles upon which all really good manners are founded, no difference of opinion exists. But we are pre-eminently a freedom-loving people, and every ​man claims liberty of conscience in social as in other matters. For the rest, we have no person nor set of persons who have a right to dictate to us what our conduct shall be. In European countries it is a part of the privilege of the court to lay down an absolute law on all matters of etiquette, and the social culture and training, hereditary and traditional in a royal house for centuries, give its members a certain moral right to prescribe what shall and what shall not be considered good breeding. Whatever we may think of a monarchical and aristocratic form of government, we must at least acknowledge that in countries where it is allowed to exist at all it may reasonably claim the privilege of, and a special fitness for, social jurisdiction. The great standing armies, too, of European States, with their military discipline and strict subordination, no doubt have an important influence on public opinion. They inculcate obedience and uniformity of action with a silent influence which is difficult to estimate exactly.

Our own army may be just as well regulated, or perhaps even better; but it is so small, and so scattered over our Western frontiers, that its influence is scarcely perceptible. Our political rulers are often men of no especial culture or early advantages. Even those who set themselves up as our social rulers are often utterly deficient in the important social prerequisite of grandparents; and the man whose ancestors came over in the "Mayflower" will not submit to dictation in matters of conduct from the man who had a rag-picker for his grandfather.

​Thus it will be seen that in treating of our etiquette one must necessarily avoid as far as possible ex cathedra or absolute statements, while one must also beware of confusing the reader by offering too many alternatives and showing too many possible paths. The writer has therefore striven to avoid dogmatism on the one hand and ambiguity on the other, giving decided opinions where it seemed best to do so, and in other cases mentioning the various views that are taken of those subjects upon which doctors disagree.

September 21, 1887.