Social Customs/Chapter 17

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There is no social event which is of greater or more universal interest than a wedding. The mere mention of one makes everybody feel happy and good-natured; and when the great day itself comes off, it finds all concerned in the best possible spirits, even if a few inconsiderate people will persist in crying during the ceremony.

The betrothed—afterward the married—couple are for a time hero and heroine. Every one smiles and showers favors upon them; they are the great and central attractions of the hour. Their every movement is watched with an intense interest which ordinarily attaches to those of very distinguished persons alone. The world—even the fashionable cynical world—shows its approval of the step they are about to take by smiles and nods and figurative pats upon the back.

Marriage is evidently still looked upon as a beneficent institution, notwithstanding the foolish talk of some newspapers and people,—a sort of fashionable cant of the day,—and notwithstanding all the unhappy details of Divorce Court proceedings. It is a great thing, this Anglo-Saxon respect for and admiration of marriage; but some of the results of this feeling, the domestic commotion, undue parade and expense that grow out of it, are seriously deprecated by thoughtful people.

​In the first place the bride elect, feeling the importance of her position, and the serious responsibility of making arrangements which shall be in keeping with the coming great occasion and important change in her life, often wearies herself out with extensive preparations for her trousseau and her wedding. If her parents are rich, or in comfortable circumstances, she spends endless days in shops and in conference with the mantua-maker and milliner. Not very great fatigues these, a man may say; but they are, when carried to excess, a very great drain on a woman's nervous energy. If the bride's parents are of limited means, her ambition, I am sorry to say, will be likely to be the greater rather than the less for that circumstance. She will toil incessantly over the sewing-machine, making her own outfit, until she is worn and haggard when the wedding-day arrives; whereas it ought to find her plump, rosy, serene, and happy. This is no imaginary picture; would that it were!

Then the expense which is so often thought necessary in order to have a wedding go off in good style is very objectionable where it induces people to spend more than they can afford, as, alas! they too often do. A gentleman in New York recently committed suicide a few weeks after his daughter's marriage. His wife, who was an ambitious woman, and who had succeeded in "marrying her daughter well," made such demands upon her husband's purse for the wedding expenses, etc., that he was led to forge checks in order to give her what she asked for, and took his own life rather than meet the disgrace which he knew must soon come upon him.

Let a wedding by all means be celebrated worthily, and with all due honor of ceremony and observance, but not with too much parade nor with excessive expenditure. One bride at a fashionable church wedding not a hundred miles from Boston was so intent on the success of her wedding proces​sion, and so angry with the street urchins who thronged about the porch for interfering with it, that she scolded them roundly then and there, to the great amusement of the lookers-on.

But what would you? Where a procession has been carefully rehearsed, it is hard to have it interfered with; though some of us are old-fashioned enough to think that such rehearsals border on the profane.

It goes without saying that the bride names the day—after the bridegroom has asked her to do so. June is the favorite month for weddings, because in our climate it is one of the most beautiful months of the whole year. May is considered unlucky, and has been ever since the time of the ancient Romans. Ovid says, "That time too was not auspicious for the marriage torches of the widow or of the virgin. She who married then did not long remain a wife." Where Easter falls late in the spring, it is usually succeeded by many fashionable marriages, and our beautiful autumn season is also a favorite time for them. At Newport there are usually several brilliant weddings in the beginning of September, when the gay season is near its end but still in full activity. Thus the prudent bride enjoys all the summer gayety and has plenty of time for a quiet honeymoon and rest before the winter festivities begin. With these advantages is combined that of a pretty summer wedding, and one that takes place with more éclat than weddings in large cities, where no single event can produce any very great effect.

Society has now extended its round of amusements so widely that no time of the year—save possibly Lent—is free from gayeties of one sort or another. Lenox and Tuxedo Park fill in the gap between watering-place festivities and those of the winter season. The gay world amuses itself, in the city and in the country alternately, with a vigor ​and constancy that would have very much surprised our quiet ancestors. Under these circumstances it would be mere cruelty to expect a fashionable bride to waste a month in a honeymoon of tiresome quiet at some dull spot. The retirement of the honeymoon is no longer, therefore, de rigueur. The wedding tour is also going out of fashion, or at least is no longer considered an indispensable adjunct to the marriage ceremony. This is a move in the right direction, as it has always seemed a senseless proceeding for a bride tired with the preparations for her marriage, and worn out with the excitement attendant on the great event, to start immediately on a long and fatiguing journey.

A proper formula for invitations to a church wedding is given below. For such an occasion it is usual to send out

​cards to all the friends of the families of both bride and groom. These invitations are issued in the name of the bride's father and mother, the bridegroom, of course, furnishing a carefully prepared list of those persons whom he wishes to have invited. It is now the fashion to engrave wedding invitations in plain script on plain heavy white note-paper. No device is used, unless possibly the family coat-of-arms, or crest, embossed in plain white on the paper. The envelope is entirely plain.

The cards of the bride and groom elect may also be enclosed. Where people invite their whole circle of acquaintance to the wedding, it is not necessary to send out supplementary cards afterward, announcing the event. The formula of announcement has been very much changed within a few years. Formerly one often received a card simply inscribed with the

​names, "Mr. and Mrs. Alfred Townsend." To friends of the bride living at a distance, who perhaps had never heard of the bridegroom, these sphinx-like announcements remained unsolved riddles for years, unless they were, by good fortune, accompanied by cards bearing the bride's maiden name and that of her mother. In these days the much more sensible and convenient custom has arisen of "telling the whole story." (See page 158 for formula.) These announcements, like wedding invitations, are engraved on note-paper.

All wedding cards are paid for by the bride's family, as are all the other expenses of a wedding, with the following exceptions. The bridegroom pays the clergyman's fee, and of course provides the wedding ring and the bride's bouquet; he also makes the bride a present,—in accordance with his means,—and sometimes gives the bridesmaids some article of jewelry not of an expensive nature, or a bouquet. To the ushers he gives scarf-pins, or some similar gift, unless the bride should make these presents, which she sometimes does, occasionally providing also gifts for the bridesmaids. Wedding invitations do not require any answer unless one is requested,—as in the case of a sit-down breakfast, or of a small home wedding. Friends living at a distance acknowledge a wedding invitation by sending their visiting cards enclosed in an envelope addressed to the bride's father and mother, or to the person in whose name the invitations are issued. This is the proper course to pursue, even for those to whom the bride's family are total strangers, their only acquaintance being with the bridegroom or his parents. Punctilious people consider it necessary to call within ten days after a wedding; one should certainly call as soon after as is convenient.

Where there is to be a reception after a church wedding, additional cards are enclosed in the same envelope with the cards for the church. ​

The above is a proper formula to use. These are often sent only to the relatives and intimate friends of the two families, as few people are so fortunate as to have houses large enough to accommodate their whole circle of acquaintance. The bride's family, too, may not wish to incur the trouble and expense of entertaining so large a company.

No one should feel hurt at not being invited to a wedding reception unless it be a general one. Where cards are issued for a church wedding, however, they are usually sent to all the acquaintance of the bride and groom, and those who do not receive cards have a right to feel themselves slighted. Still, it must always be remembered that such a slight may be the result of an oversight and not of intention, especially where the invitations are directed, as they often are, by a hired amanuensis.

Where there is reason to believe that the church will be overcrowded, cards of admission to it are sometimes issued. They are often worded thus:—

​It seems opposed to the spirit of Christianity, to treat a church as if it were a private house and to refuse admission to all but a favored few. But of two evils, one must choose the least; and it would hardly be fair that the general public should so crowd the sacred building as to leave little and insufficient room for the real wedding guests.

An English authority says "the bridesmaids may be from two to twelve in number;" but in this country they rarely if ever exceed six or eight. They should be chosen from among the sisters and other near relatives of the bride and groom, and from the bride's intimate friends. According to the present fashion they are often dressed in picturesque, even quaint costumes, sometimes wearing bonnets or hats, sometimes with short veils, etc. They should always wear very light colors, or white. It would seem superfluous to say that a bridesmaid should never be a married woman, were it not a fact that married women have acted in this capacity in our own far West, and perhaps elsewhere where single women are "scarcer" than they are in Massachusetts.

Groommen are never seen at modern weddings. Their place is usurped by "the best man," who "supports" the bridegroom much after the fashion of a second in a peaceful duel. He is usually an intimate friend or near relative of the groom. His duties are to accompany the latter to church, to stand by him before and during the ceremony, to hold his hat, fee the clergyman, and to assist the ushers in presenting guests at the wedding reception. In short, his part is exactly the opposite of that played by Captain Cuttle at the celebrated Bunsby wedding; for he, to all outward appearance, uses his best efforts to keep up the sinking courage of the groom, and never urges the latter to run away, so far as is known.

The bridegroom wears morning dress, as do all the gentlemen at a wedding in the daytime. Fashion now decrees ​that a dress-suit must be worn under no circumstances before evening,—or rather before late dinner,—but it leaves the bride quite free to wear full evening dress if she pleases, which is certainly very illogical. The groom wears a frock-coat, light trousers, and gloves if he prefers to do so. But he must not wear either white gloves or a white necktie, since these belong with evening dress only. He drives to church with his best man, and waits for the bride at the altar. If he is wise in his generation, however, he will remain in the vestry until the bride's arrival, since it is an awkward and trying position for him,—that of long waiting at the chancel rail,—and brides are sometimes late.

The ushers should be at the church in good season, to see that everything is in order, and to conduct the wedding guests to their seats as fast as they arrive. They are chosen from the relatives and friends of the bride and groom. The chief usher places a ribbon or arch of flowers across the church at a distance from the altar which will include space enough for all the invited guests. The relatives of the groom are placed on the right of the altar, that is, next the bridegroom; and the bride's relatives sit on the left of the church, that is, on the bride's left. It is important that the ushers, or at all events the chief usher, should be acquainted with most of the relatives and guests, so that they may all be seated in their right places, the near relatives sitting nearest to the altar. It is perfectly proper for an usher to ask whether a lady is a relative of the bride or groom, as he cannot be expected to know every one of the relations by sight.

The mother of the bride comes in shortly before the bridal cortége, of which she usually does not form a part. It is better, if possible, to arrange this in the vestry rather than keep the bridesmaids waiting in the vestibule for the bride, who arrives last, accompanied by her father. When all is in readiness the organ peals forth a wedding march, and the ​ushers advance up the aisle in pairs, followed by the bridesmaids, also in pairs. Sometimes additional bridesmaids in the shape of little children picturesquely dressed, strewing flowers perhaps, follow or precede the others. Little boys dressed as pages following the bride and holding her train are one of the modern innovations. Last of all comes the bride leaning on her father's arm.

When the procession reaches the altar the ushers divide, half of them turning to the right and half to the left; the bridesmaids do the same. The bridegroom then advances, the bride being close to the altar, and taking her right hand, leads her to her position before it. Here they both kneel,—that is, if the wedding takes place in the Episcopal Church. In churches of other denominations they often do not kneel. The clergyman then proceeds to read the marriage service. When he asks the question, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" the father, who stands a little behind the bride, usually gives his consent by bowing, instead of coming forward and placing his daughter's hand in that of the clergyman, as was formerly the custom. Having now fulfilled his part of the ceremony, the father takes his place beside the bride's mother in the front pew.

After the clergyman has pronounced the benediction he may congratulate the newly-married pair; but he does not kiss the bride, as it was formerly the custom for him to do. At the present day a wedding ring is used in almost all marriage services. It should not be so large as to seem vulgar or exaggerated, and is still the plain gold circlet, which seems to befit the solemn ceremony better than the richest jewel. The bride usually has the ring finger of her left-hand glove cut so that it can be readily removed, much to the relief of the first bridesmaid, who was expected in other days to pull off the whole glove, and whose efforts to do so were often embarrassing to all parties.

​Soft music may be discoursed if the bride desires it during the marriage ceremony; but to our thinking it sounds too much like what Artemus Ward called "dying to slow fiddling."

The organ breaks out with a triumphal peal, and the bridal pair go down the aisle arm in arm, and leave the church as quickly as possible, to escape the curious throng always so eager to catch a glimpse of them, or rather of "her." They are driven at once to the residence of the bride's parents. The rest of the bridal procession leave the church in the inverse order from that in which they entered it.

It will be seen from what has preceded that the bride stands on the bridegroom's left. She takes also his left arm when about to walk down the aisle. It is considered very "bad form" for a bride to bow or smile to any one either while entering or leaving the church; but she is not obliged to keep her eyes upon the ground if she prefers to "look forward" instead.

The fashion of a bride's dress is so well known, and yet changes so often in its details, that it would be useless to speak of it save in general terms. The extravagance of to-day robes brides in the most costly fabrics, with veils of point lace and diamond ornaments, instead of the white silk dress, simply trimmed, and the tulle veil, that were formerly the fashion. White is so appropriate to a bride, as well as so becoming to almost all complexions, that it seems a pity every bride should not wear it, even if her dress be of simple white muslin. A tulle veil is softer and more becoming than a lace one, as well as infinitely cheaper. The lace veil is better suited, however, to certain people, especially to girls who are somewhat stout, or who have rather large heads. The extreme fulness of the tulle veil, and its dim outlines, make the wearer look larger than she really is.

Orange-blossoms are always beautiful and appropriate for a ​bride, but they are often difficult to procure; hence other natural flowers often take their place in the bridal costume. Myrtle-leaves are emblematic of marriage, and are sometimes worn by brides. Garlands of artificial flowers frequently adorn a bridal robe.

In the days of good Queen Bess, brides wore their hair flowing over their shoulders. Ben Jonson says:—

In the Roman Catholic Church a bride is not allowed to wear a décolleté costume if the wedding takes place in church.

After the ceremony at church is over, the best man, or two of the ushers, hurry to the residence of the bride's parents, to be in readiness to receive the bride and groom.

At the wedding reception half of the bridesmaids stand near the bride and half near the groom. The ushers stay near the door of the drawing-room and escort the guests, as fast as they arrive, to the bridal party, presenting them by name, first to the bride and groom and then to the parents. It is also the ushers' duty to see that ladies who have no gentlemen with them are provided with refreshments. It is now fashionable to hold morning receptions by gas or candle light instead of by daylight.

After an hour and a half or more, the bride retires to put on her travelling-dress; usually only the intimate friends remain to see the bridal couple drive off and to wish them Godspeed. Rice and old shoes are thrown after the retreat​ing carriage; but these missiles should not be aimed with too great accuracy, as accidents have sometimes occurred from breaking the windows or frightening the horses.

A bride does not usually dance at her own wedding, but she may join in a square dance if she wishes.

It is not usual now to show the wedding presents on the day of the marriage, as this custom was found, a few years since, to lead to a parade and display which were of very questionable taste. Sometimes the presents are privately shown to the intimate friends a few days beforehand. Wedding gifts themselves have changed in character, and the bride is no longer overwhelmed with articles of silver some of which are useful and others decidedly superfluous. There are now so many beautiful things in glass, china, bronze, etc.; so many objets d'art and delightful bric-à-brac for the buyer to choose from, that the wedding guest need be at no loss to select some suitable and charming gift, even if his means should be quite limited. Pictures, fine engravings, rare or handsomely illustrated books, mantel clocks and ornaments, lamps of artistic design, jewelry of course, handsome articles of furniture, such as chairs or writing-desks,—all these and many more are suitable for wedding gifts. Intimate friends and relatives often give money or silverware, or, if they like, some articles for the trousseau. If gifts are marked at all, it should always be with the bride's maiden name or initials.

Wedding-cake is not sent out as it used to be. It is piled up in boxes on a table at the reception, and each guest takes, let us hope, not more than one box.

Some brides prefer to be married in a travelling-dress and bonnet (usually of dark handsome silk or velvet material), and to leave at once without any reception. For a wedding of this sort cards may be issued to all the friends for the ceremony at the church, or the marriage may be celebrated very quietly, with only a few witnesses.

​A wedding at home is usually more informal than a church wedding. The clergyman enters and faces the company, then the bridal pair enter together and stand facing him. An altar of flowers is sometimes arranged, behind which the clergyman stands, with a cushion or stool in front for the bridal couple to kneel on. After the ceremony is over they turn round in their places and receive the congratulations of their friends, but only those who are very near and dear are permitted to kiss the bride. The old-fashioned custom which allowed every one to do so, is now abandoned, as it deserved to be.

There are usually neither bridesmaids nor groomsmen at a home wedding. Sometimes all the guests are invited to the ceremony and sometimes relatives only are bidden to it, other friends being invited to attend the reception, which takes place half an hour later. A disadvantage of the latter plan is that in case the marriage is delayed through any circumstance, the reception guests will begin to arrive before the ceremony is over.

A widow should never wear at her second marriage either bridal veil, orange-blossoms, or white attire. She usually wears either a light-colored silk or a travelling-dress and bonnet. Unless she should be very young, it would seem in better taste that her wedding should be rather a quiet one.

A bride may drop her middle name and retain her family name if she prefers to do so. Fashion now favors this course, and a widow marrying again often retains the name of the first husband as a middle name where there are children of the first marriage living, as serving to show her relationship to them.

Where cards are sent out after a wedding they should give the residence of the newly-married couple, so that their friends may know where to call upon them.

​Very often they hold one or two receptions soon after the marriage, or the bride issues cards for one or more of the afternoon occasions now so much in vogue. The refreshments for these may be very simple and inexpensive,—tea and coffee or chocolate, cake, and sandwiches, being amply sufficient. Bouillon or punch makes a good addition in cold weather.

It is especially important, where a bride goes to live in a new city, that she should, where it is possible and her husband's means allow, thus introduce herself to his friends. Newly-married people are not, however, expected to entertain extensively. On the contrary, entertainments are made for them, and every one who has been asked to the wedding should if possible invite the bridal pair in the course of the ensuing season. As has been said elsewhere, brides should be careful to return promptly the calls made upon them, especially if they go to reside in another city; otherwise they often give deep offence to people who have perhaps made a special effort to call upon them, from motives of kindness and hospitality, because they were strangers in the land.