Social Customs/Chapter 24
In this age of universal travelling, letters of introduction fly about as freely as commercial paper, and sometimes with equally disastrous results. If one is going to England, the Continent, or even to our own Pacific Coast, it is as necessary to have these documents, in order to see anything of social life, as it is to have a letter of credit to pay one's hotel bills. Hence people importune their friends to give them letters, and the friends, in a moment of weakness or carelessness, write letters of introduction when they have really no right to do so.
There are two points which should be very carefully considered before giving letters, and these are—first, has one a right to do so; and second, will the introduction be agreeable to both parties? To relatives, intimate friends, those whom one has received and entertained in one's own house or country, and to those who expressly give one leave to do so, one may certainly send letters introducing other friends. But because people have been polite and kind to us, because they have received and entertained us,—this gives us no right whatever to call for further favors from them. This ought to be as clear as day, one would think; and yet our countrymen, misled probably by the cordiality of their English hosts, sometimes err in this respect.
Thus a distinguished American, Mr. , once met on his own doorsteps the Englishman to whom he (Mr. ) was bringing a letter of introduction. The latter read it, and with true British rudeness tore it up before the face of the bearer, saying, "This person has no right to send letters to me!" He added, however, with true British hospitality, that he was exceedingly glad to make the distinguished man's acquaintance for his own sake, and treated him with just as much courtesy and consideration—after that first dreadful act—as if he had brought the most powerful letters of recommendation. It is when one meets with such little contretemps as this, that one realizes the value of knowing and obeying the laws of etiquette. The silken strands of their network are usually invisible, and are so loosely drawn that we feel no pressure from them; but when they do come to light, when they do become strained, we find they can cut and gall very deeply.
Even where one has a right, however, to give letters of introduction, one should use it very carefully, remembering that their acceptance entails a hospitality that may be burdensome to one's friend, and also that two people will not necessarily be congenial to each other because they both happen to be friends of a third person.
The most approved way to deliver a letter of introduction is to leave it with one's card, not asking, however, to see the person to whom it is addressed. This rule is not always clearly understood in the United States. Two English ladies who were staying in New York once came in their carriage to leave a letter of introduction with their cards, according to strict etiquette. The New York ladies to whom the letter was addressed, responded very properly by calling on the British dames and inviting them to lunch. What was the horror of the latter, however, when their new acquaintances, meaning to be particularly polite, said that they were so very sorry not to have seen the English ladies when they called! Of course the English ladies had not intended making any call beyond the formal card-leaving. On the Continent, where it is the custom for new-comers to call upon the residents of a place first, this rule need not be observed.
The reason of the rule is very obvious. To deliver a letter of introduction in person, and wait below while it is read, like a tradesman with a bill or a servant with a recommendation, certainly does not put one in a very dignified position. It also in a measure compels the recipient of the letter to see you whether he wishes to do so or not. Where you wish to see him on business, or when time presses, it is proper to wait and see whether he will be able to receive you.
If a gentleman brings a letter of introduction to a lady, he may also, if he pleases, send up his card and ask whether it will be convenient for her to receive him. She will feel less constrained to do so than she would in the case of a feminine visitor; besides, there would here be no question of which should call first, as there would be between two ladies.
When one calls in acknowledgment of cards left with a letter of introduction, it is necessary to go in if the lady or gentleman, as the case may be, is at home. Nor are all the duties of politeness incumbent on the person alone to whom the letter is addressed. The person introduced should also take great pains to receive "letter-visitors," when they call upon him, with cordiality and politeness, instead of imitating the conduct of one distinguished Englishman in this country, who took out of his pocket a list of people to whom he had brought letters of introduction and ran it over in the presence of his visitor, saying, "Smith, Smith, Smith,—let me see where that name is on my list!"
While it is extremely desirable to be furnished with a number of letters of introduction when one is about to go to Europe, it is nevertheless highly indelicate to ask mere acquaintances for these social passports. Not only would this be asking a favor where one had no right to do so, but it would also be putting the acquaintance in an awkward dilemma. If he were good-natured he would not wish to disoblige the person who had made the request; neither would he wish to introduce to his friends some one about whom he knew very little, and who might be extremely uncongenial to them. It is rash to give letters unless to people whom one knows well, or at least knows all about; and it is especially rash to give letters to foreigners, unless they can "read their title clear" beyond any doubt or peradventure.
Letters of introduction should always be left unsealed, as a token that the beirer is at liberty to read them. Hence, they should be brief, giving the full name and residence of the person introduced, but avoiding a multitude of complimentary phrases. A modest man will dislike to deliver a letter containing a high-sounding panegyric on himself.
It is usually sufficient to say that Mr. C. T. Brooks of Sheffield is a friend of the writer, that any attention which it may be convenient to show him will be a personal favor, and that one has no doubt the acquaintance thus begun will be mutually agreeable to both parties. On receiving such a letter one should call in a day, and the person introduced should return the call quite promptly,—say in a week. It is also necessary to show a new acquaintance whatever attentions are in one's power,—to invite him to dinner, enter his name at one's club, or at least take him to the theatre, or show him about the city or place in which one lives.