Our Behaviour/Part 3/Chapter 4

THE good sense of society is gradually abolishing all forms of ostentation from funerals. Even mourning is rejected by many persons of intelligence, who see in it a temptation to extravagance, and who regard it, moreover, as requiring more thought and trouble than should be taken when the mind is overwhelmed with real grief.

The hired mutes and heavy trappings of woe which are still in use in England are entirely abandoned with us.

The notice of a death and the invitation to the funeral are usually made through the newspapers, though sometimes the invitation is given by means of a private note. If no other invitation is given than that through the newspapers, it is best to add "without further notice."

Private invitations are usually printed in forms something like the following:

"You are respectfully invited to attend the funeral of John Smith on Friday, October 2, 1874, at 11 A. M., ​from his late residence, 1491 Walnut street (or from the Church of the Holy Trinity). To proceed to Laurel Hill Cemetery."

These invitations must be delivered by a private messenger.

Whether other invitations are sent or not, notes must be sent to those who are desired to act as pallbearers.

The minutiæ of the arrangements for the funeral are usually (and wisely) left to the undertaker, who best knows how to proceed, and who will save the family of the deceased all cares and petty annoyances at a time when they are least fitted to meet them.

Such details as usually do not fall to the undertaker are entrusted to some relative or friend. This friend should have an interview with the family or some representative of it, and learn what their wishes may be and receive from them a limit of expenses.

Regarding this limit, let it be borne in mind that it should always be in accordance with the means of the family; that nothing can excuse an extravagance and ostentation at a funeral which must be indulged in at the expense of heavy privation afterward, or perhaps, worse still, at that of the creditors. Pomp and display are at all times out of keeping with the solemn occasion and inconsistent with real grief.

There should be no calls upon the bereaved family while the dead remains in the house, and they may be excused if they refuse themselves to friends and relatives.

Upon entering the house of mourning a gentleman must always remove his hat in the hall, nor replace it while he remains.

There should be no loud talking nor confusion while the body remains in the house.

The shutters on the street are kept closed. In Philadelphia it is customary to tie all the window-shutters with black and to hang black upon the door. In other places the black upon the door is considered sufficient.

In Philadelphia the black is allowed to remain upon the windows for a year—a foolish and ostentatious custom the oftener disregarded, the better.

It is desirable, upon a death occurring in a house, that some outward sign should be given to keep away casual visitors. The usual means of doing this is by tying black crape upon the bell or doorknob, with a black ribbon if the person is married or advanced in years, with a white one if young and unmarried. The customs of different localities designate when this crape should be removed.

If friends are specially invited, carriages should be furnished to take them to the cemetery. A list of invited persons should be given to the undertaker, showing the order in which they are to be placed in the carriages.

Persons should not present themselves at a funeral before the appointed hour, because by so doing they may intrude upon the privacy of the family, who are taking their last farewell of their deceased friend.

If the guests are invited to go from the house to the church, the corpse is usually exposed in the drawing-room, while the family are assembled in another apartment. If the guests go directly to the church, the coffin is placed in front of the chancel, and after the services the lid is removed and friends pass up one aisle, past the coffin, from the feet to the head, and down the other aisle out.

If the services are held at the house, some near friend or relative will receive the guests. The ladies of the family do not show themselves at all. The gentlemen may do as they please.

The procession moves from the door exactly one hour after the time set for the funeral.

In England the male friends alone follow the corpse to its final resting-place. In this country it is proper for the female friends and relatives to do so if they desire it, as they generally do.

The carriage containing the clergyman precedes the hearse. The carriage immediately following the hearse contains the nearest relatives, the following carriages those more remote in relationship.

As the mourners pass out to enter the carriages the guests stand with uncovered heads. No salutations are given or received. The person who has been selected to officiate as master of ceremonies assists the mourners to enter and alight from the carriages.

Sometimes the private carriage of the deceased is placed in the procession, empty, immediately behind the hearse.

The horse of a deceased mounted officer, fully equipped and draped in mourning, will be led immediately after the hearse.

In towns and villages where the cemetery is near at hand it is not unusual for all to proceed to it on foot. In this case the men should go with uncovered heads if the weather will permit it, the hat being held in the right hand. The hat must at all events be removed whenever the coffin is carried from the hearse to the church or back, ​when the guests form a double line, between which it passes.

At the cemetery the clergyman or priest walks in advance of the coffin.

Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in sombre colors. A gay dress is certainly out of place.

The custom of decking the corpse and coffin with flowers is a beautiful one, though somewhat expensive. Upon the coffin of an infant or a young person a wreath of flowers should be placed, upon that of a married person a cross. These flowers should always be white. Friends sending gifts of flowers should send them in time to be used for decorative purposes.

A person of rank generally bears some insignia of his rank upon his coffin-lid. Thus, a deceased army or naval officer will have his coffin covered with the national flag, and his hat, epaulettes, sword and sash laid upon the lid.

Guests should not return to the house of mourning after the funeral, but should be driven immediately home. In some sections it is customary to ​conclude the ceremonies of the day with a dinner or banquet, but this is grossly out of place and not to be tolerated by any one of common sense and refinement. If friends have come from a distance, it may sometimes be a matter of necessity to extend a brief hospitality to them; but if the guests can avoid this necessity, they should do so. This hospitality should be of the quietest sort, and in no manner become an entertainment.

It is the cruelest blow which can be given bereaved friends to fill the house with strangers or indifferent acquaintances and the sound of feasting at a time when they desire of all things to be left alone with their sorrow.

It is an English custom, which is beginning to be adopted in America, to send upon the occasion of a death to relatives and friends cards deeply edged in black, upon which are printed or engraved the name of the deceased, with his age and date of his death. These cards are immediately acknowledged by letters of condolence and offers of assistance, but on no account by personal visits a fortnight or so after the funeral.

All persons except those themselves in deep affliction are under obligation to attend a funeral to which they have been invited.

No member of the immediate family of the deceased will leave the house between the time of the death and the funeral. A lady friend will be commissioned to make all necessary purchases and engage seamstresses, etc.

Those who wish to show themselves strict observers of etiquette keep their houses in twilight seclusion and sombre with mourning for a year or more, allowing the piano to remain closed for the same length of time. But in this close observance of the letter of the law its spirit is lost entirely.

It is not desirable to enshroud ourselves in gloom after a bereavement, no matter how great it has been. It is our duty to ourselves and to the world to regain our cheerfulness as soon as we may, and all that conduces to this we are religiously bound to accept, whether it be music, the bright light of heaven, cheerful clothing or the society of friends.

At all events, the moment we begin to chafe against the requirements of etiquette, grow wearied of the darkened room, long for the open piano and look forward impatiently to the time when we may lay aside our mourning, from that moment we are slaves to a law which was originally made to serve us in allowing us to do unquestioned what was supposed to be in true harmony with our gloomy feelings.

​The woman who wears the badge of widowhood for exactly two years to a day, and then puts it off suddenly for ordinary colors, and who possibly has already contracted an engagement for a second marriage during these two years of supposed mourning, confesses to a slavish hypocrisy in making an ostentatious show of a grief which has long since died a natural (and shall we not say a desirable?) death.

In these respects let us be natural, and let us, moreover, remember that, though the death of friends brings us real and heartfelt sorrow, yet it is still a time for rejoicing for their sakes.