Our Behaviour/Part 3/Chapter 1

FIRST in importance among special ceremonials comes the wedding. It is the culminating point of happiness in life, to which all before it tends, from which all afterward recedes.

So varied are the circumstances under which weddings take place and so numerous are the religious forms observed in their solemnization that it is impossible to lay down strict rules applicable to all cases.

Therefore it is expedient to describe that form of marriage which recognizes the fullest forms and the greatest number of attendant ceremonials, and all others can be modeled more or less after it, as the needs of the occasion require.

Next in order come the pecuniary arrangements incident to a marriage when either or both of the parties possess wealth. In England the laws concerning the property of married women are far more unjust than those of this country; therefore in that country a settlement upon the bride is the only means by which to secure her a future free from want in case of widowhood. Even here it seems desirable that there should always be some special arrangement to secure certain and impartial justice to the wife, as the laws cannot be implicitly trusted. An English authority gives some excellent advice on this point which is equally applicable here. He says: "During the arrangement of pecuniary matters a young lady should endeavor to understand what is going on, receiving it in a right spirit. If she has a fortune, she should in all points left to her be generous and confiding, at the same time prudent. Many a man, she should remember, may abound in excellent qualities and yet be improvident. He may mean to do well, yet have a passion for building; he may be the very soul of good nature, yet fond of the gaming-table; he may have no wrong propensities of that sort, and yet have a confused notion of accounts and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money no one knows how; or he may be a too strict economist, a man who takes too good care of the pence, till he tries your very ​life out about an extra queen's head; or he may be facile and weakly good-natured, and have a friend who preys on him and for whom he is disposed to become security. Finally, the beloved Charles Henry or Reginald may have none of these propensities, but may chance to be an honest merchant or a tradesman with all his floating capital in business, and a consequent risk of being one day rich, the next pauper.

"Upon every account, therefore, it is desirable for a young lady to have a settlement on her, and she should not, from a weak spirit of romance, oppose her friends who advise it, since it is for her husband's advantage as well as her own. By making a settlement there is always a fund which cannot be touched—a something, however small, as a provision for a wife and children; and whether she have fortune or not, this ought to be made. An allowance for dress should also be arranged, and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at inconvenient hours, and thus irritate her husband."

The trousseau is an important consideration to the bride-elect. It consists of a complete stock of apparel sufficient to last her during the first few years of her married life.

It seems unfortunate that the weeks preceding the great event of a woman's life should be so ​filled with care, hurry and worry. It would almost be better to do without the trousseau entirely and allow the lady to be married with her ordinary belongings, which are always supposed to be sufficient for immediate needs, than to have these weeks, which should be spent in calm and quiet, so disturbed. It is hoped that sensible people will give their attention to this matter, and by good example serve to repeal the iron law of custom.

Bridal presents are sent from two weeks to a week previous to the day of the marriage ceremony. They are always sent to the bride, and are most commonly some article of jewelry or plate, though there is no law in regard to this matter. Handsome shawls, delicate laces, and even checks, may be included. It is considered in a measure obligatory upon all relatives and immediate friends of the happy pair to remember them on this occasion, also upon all those who have already been remembered by them in like manner.

This is an onerous tax upon society; and it is to be hoped that the better sense of community will yet prevail, and wedding presents be recognized as spontaneous rather than obligatory gifts. The surest way to accomplish this would be to receive the gifts privately and refuse to put them upon exhibition.

​However, as custom now is, the presents are arranged in an apartment for display before the wedding-guests.

When the wedding-day is near at hand, the bride pays, in company with her mother, her last maiden visits to all those acquaintances whom she wishes to retain after marriage. If the list is too large to pay these visits personally, a card may be made to do duty for a call, and the letters P. P. C. (pour prendre congé—to take leave) are engraved on the right-hand corner. These visits should be made before the wedding-cards are sent out.

It is impossible to lay down any strict rule regarding wedding-cards, as the size and shape of the cards and envelope and the forms of invitation are constantly varying.

In the latest form of invitation we have seen used in the highest circles the parents of the bride invited the desired guest to be present at the ceremony of the marriage of their daughter, giving the name of the bridegroom in full, the name of the church where the ceremony was to take place, the day and hour, and the name of the clergyman who was to solemnize the marriage.

The invitation may be much briefer if desired, and may read as follows:

The invitation is printed on the finest English white note paper.

Accompanying it is the wedding-reception card issued by the parents of the bride, which is in the usual form of ceremonious invitations, with the exception that "at the wedding-reception of their daughter" takes the place of the ordinary phrase relating to dinner-party or soirée. It also gives the hours during which the reception is held.

In the same envelope with the invitation and reception-card may be a card announcing the reception-days of the bride and bridegroom; their form may be simply as follows:

Usually accompanying these are smaller cards bearing the names of the bride and bridegroom.

​Upon the wedding invitations may be the letters R. S. V. P. (repondez s'il vous plait), signifying that an answer is requested. In this case a prompt answer, accepting or declining the invitation, should be returned.

Still another card—a card of admission to the church—is now found necessary.

The invitation and accompanying cards should all be enclosed in an envelope of the finest English white paper. The monogram, arms or crest should appear on the envelope, either embossed or in black or silver. On this envelope the name alone of the person to whom it is sent should be written, and the envelope with its contents should be enclosed in a second envelope, upon which the name of the person to whom it is to be sent, with the full address, should be written.

Wedding-invitations should be entrusted to the post only when it is impossible to deliver them in any other manner.

The parents of the bride furnish the notes or cards of invitation and their daughter's card. The gentleman furnishes his own.

To all whom it is desired to retain as acquaintances after the wedding is sent the card of the bridal pair, thus: "Mr. and Mrs. William Henry Drayton." This card may contain beneath the names their place of residence, if desired.

​If the newly-married pair propose to give a regular reception, or if any special day in each week is set apart for reception of callers, the card should announce this fact by giving the day or days and the hour. In the same envelope containing this card should be a smaller one, bearing the maiden name of the bride.

These cards should be enclosed in a handsome envelope bearing a silver monogram.

The bridesmaids may be from two to eight in number. The bridegroom is attended by an equal number of groomsmen.

The bride's dress is always of white, and her bouquet should be of exclusively white flowers, such as gardenias, white azalias or camellias, intermixed with orange-flowers. It is the privilege of the "best man” to present this to the bride.

It is a delicate attention for the bridegroom to present a bouquet to his future mother-in-law. This may be of delicately-colored flowers.

The bridesmaids should each be furnished with bouquets of white and delicately-tinted flowers, presented by the parents of the bride.

The bridesmaids are usually dressed in white trimmed with some delicate color. The color of the trimming should be alike for all.

The bridegroom's dress should differ little from his full morning costume. Black or dark-blue frockcoat, light trowsers and necktie, light or white vest and white gloves, with flowers in the buttonhole of his coat, is the conventional costume. The groomsmen are similarly dressed.

The bride drives to the church in the same carriage with her parents, and meets there the bridegroom, who has arrived before her with his friends and relatives, and who assists her to alight.

The bridesmaids and groomsmen should be already waiting.

The front seats of the body of the church should be reserved for the immediate friends of the young couple.

The spectators should be all assembled and the clergyman within the rails when the bride reaches the church.

The last bridesmaid and groomsman walk up the aisle first, followed by the others. The bride then enters, leaning upon her father's arm, and after her the groom, escorting the bride's mother.

​This order of procession may be reversed, the bride and groom entering first, either together or with the father and mother of the bride.

The bride and bridegroom take their places immediately in front of the altar, the bride on the left. The bridesmaids either group themselves behind her or stand on one side. The groomsmen maintain a like relative position with the bridegroom.

To the first groomsman is entrusted all the control of affairs. And it is well if he settle the pecuniary matters attendant upon the marriage with the clergyman and others before the arrival of the bride, to save confusion or inconvenience afterward. The groomsman conducts the visitors up to the young couple after the ceremonies to congratulate them. He engages the carriages and makes all arrangements. He attends the bridal pair to the dépôt as they start on the wedding-trip, secures their seats, purchases their tickets and checks their baggage.

The wedding-ring should be of eighteen-karat gold, weighing not less than eight pennyweights, and of the half round pattern. In the inside should be engraved the initials of the bridal pair, with date of their marriage.

​The bride takes off the glove of her left hand and gives it to the first bridesmaid to hold in order that she may have the wedding-ring placed upon her finger. The groom removes the glove from his right hand for the purpose of bestowing the ring.

After the ceremony the parents of the bride speak to her first; next to them the parents of the groom.

Upon leaving the church the newly-married pair take the precedence; after them their immediate friends, and then the company generally.

It is quite customary, after the guests are all seated, to pass a line of white ribbon down before the doors of the pews in order to prevent any confusion of taking or leaving seats while the ceremony is in progress. This ribbon is removed after the bridal-party has left the church. Or the ribbon may be passed across the aisles after the invited guests have all arrived and taken their seats.

A rich man may give to the officiating clergyman any sum from five dollars to five hundred, according as his liberality dictates. A person of moderate means may give from five dollars to twenty.

At the wedding-reception, held at the bride's parents, the guests offer their congratulations. On ​going forward to congratulate the happy couple they should address the bride first if they have had any previous acquaintance with her, then the bridegroom, then the bridesmaids, and after them the parents and family of the bride and groom. If they are acquainted with the bridegroom and not with the bride, let them address him first, when he will introduce them to his bride. They should congratulate the bridegroom and give their good wishes to the bride.

If there is a breakfast, dinner or supper, the bride does not change her dress until afterward.

The refreshment-table is made brilliant with flowers. The wedding or bride's cake is an important adjunct of the feast. If there is no regular breakfast given, cake and wine are passed among the guests.

One should not wear mourning at a wedding. Even when black is habitually worn, it should give place, for the time being, to gray or some neutral tint.

If parties are given to the newly-married couple, the bridesmaids and groomsmen are also invited, and all may, if they choose, wear their wedding-dresses.

Wedding-calls should be returned within two or three weeks by all who have received wedding-cards.

It is customary for the bride to make her bridesmaids a present on the morning of the marriage. It is imperative that they shall make her a bridal-gift.