Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 9

NOWHERE as in public places will a man and woman show their true breeding. There the perfect lady and gentleman are always polite, considerate of the comfort and wishes of others and unobtrusive in their behavior. Under the same circumstances sham gentility is boisterous, rude, vulgar and selfish.

One should preserve the utmost silence and decorum in church.

A gentleman should remove his hat as soon as he enters.

There should be no haste in passing up or down the aisle.

There should be no whispering, laughing or staring.

A gentleman and lady should pass up the aisle together until the pew is reached, when the former should step before the latter, open the pew door, holding it open while she enters, then follow her and close the door after him.

​If a stranger is seen to enter the church and the sexton does not at once provide him with a seat, the pew door should be opened and the stranger silently invited to enter.

If books or fans are passed in church, let them be offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture of acceptance or refusal.

It is courteous to see that strangers are provided with books; and if the service is strange to them, the places for the day's reading should be indicated.

It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer or hymn book with a stranger if there is no separate book for his use.

When the services are concluded, there should be no haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure should be conducted quietly and decorously. When the vestibule is reached, it is allowable to exchange greetings with friends, but here there should be no loud talking nor boisterous laughter. Neither should gentlemen congregate in knots in the vestibule or upon the steps of the church and compel ladies to run the gauntlet of their eyes and tongues.

In visiting a church of a different belief from your own, pay the utmost respect to the services and conform in all things to the observances of the church—that is, kneel, sit and rise with the congregation. No matter how grotesquely some of the forms and observances may strike you, let no smile or contemptuous remark indicate the fact while in the church.

​If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who is a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act of courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must do with his ungloved right hand.

Upon entering a strange church it is best to wait until the sexton conducts you to a seat. By no means enter an occupied pew uninvited. Neither is it proper to enter an unoccupied pew without permission.

Never be late to church. It is a decided mark of ill-breeding.

In visiting a church for the mere purpose of seeing the edifice, one should always go at a time when there are no services being held. If people are even then found at their devotions, as is apt to be the case in Roman Catholic churches especially, the demeanor of the visitor should be respectful and subdued and his voice low, so that he may not disturb them.

A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany him to opera, theatre, concert or other public place of amusement must send his invitation the previous day and write it in the third person. The lady must reply immediately, so that if she declines there shall yet be time for the gentleman to secure another companion.

It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for the entertainment, or else he or his companion may ​be obliged to take up with seats where they can neither see nor hear.

On entering the hall, theatre or opera-house the gentleman should walk side by side with his companion unless the aisle is too narrow, in which case he should precede her. Reaching the seats, he should allow her to take the inner one, assuming the outer seat himself.

A gentleman should on no account leave the lady's side from the beginning to the close of the performance. The custom of going out alone between the acts to visit the refreshment-room cannot be too strongly reprehended. It is little less than an insult to the lady.

If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady may be invited to promenade during the intermission. If she decline, the gentleman must retain his position by her side.

There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman to give up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his duty is solely to the lady whom he accompanies. He must remain beside her during the evening to converse with her between the acts and to render her assistance in case of accident or disturbance.

During the performance complete quiet should be preserved, that the audience may not be prevented seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is perfectly proper to converse, but it should be in a low tone, ​so as not to attract attention. Neither should one whisper. There should be no loud talking, boisterous laughter, violent gestures, lover-like demonstrations or anything in manners or speech to attract the attention of others.

It is proper and desirable that the actors be applauded when they deserve it. It is their only means of knowing whether they are giving satisfaction.

The gentleman should see that the lady is provided with programme, and with libretto also if they are attending opera.

In passing out at the close of the performance the gentleman should precede the lady, and there should be no crowding and pushing.

If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so doing, he should call for his companion in a carriage. This is especially necessary if the evening is stormy. He should call sufficiently early to allow them to reach their destination before the performance commences. It is unjust to the whole audience to come in late and make a disturbance in obtaining seats.

The gentleman should ask permission to call upon the lady on the following day, which permission she should grant; and if she be a person of delicacy and tact, she will make him feel that he has conferred a real pleasure upon her by his invitation. Even if she finds occasion for criticism in the performance, she should be lenient in this respect and seek for points to praise instead, that he may not feel regret at ​taking her to an entertainment which has proved unworthy.

In visiting picture-galleries one should always maintain the deportment of a gentleman or lady. Make no loud comments, and do not seek to show superior knowledge in art matters by gratuitous criticism. Ten to one, if you have not an art education, you will only be giving publicity to your own ignorance.

Do not stand in conversation before a picture, and thus obstruct the view of others who wish to see rather than talk. If you wish to converse with any one on general subjects, draw to one side out of the way of those who wish to look at the pictures.

In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on either the articles or their price unless you can praise. Do not haggle over them. Pay the price demanded or let them alone. If you can conscientiously praise an article, by all means do so, as you may be giving pleasure to the maker if she chances to be within hearing.

If you have a table at a fair, use no unladylike means to obtain buyers. Let a negative suffice. Not even the demands of charity can justify you in importuning others to purchase articles against their own judgment or beyond their means.

​Never be so grossly ill-bred as to retain the change if a larger amount is presented than the price. Offer the change promptly, when the gentleman will be at liberty to donate it if he thinks best, and you may accept it with thanks. He is, however, under no obligation whatever to make such donation.

Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and by all means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public a place.

As, according to the general rules of politeness, a gentleman must always remove his hat in the presence of ladies, so he should remain with head uncovered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public place of this character.

Upon visiting an artist's studio, by no means meddle with anything in the room. Reverse no picture which hangs or stands with face to the wall; open no portfolio without permission, and do not alter by a single touch any lay-figure or its drapery, piece of furniture or article of vertu posed as a model. You do not know with what care the artist may have arranged these things, nor what trouble the disarrangement may cost him.

Use no strong expression of either delight or disapprobation at anything presented for your inspection. If a picture or a statue pleases you, show your approval and appreciation by close attention ​and a few quiet, well-chosen words, rather than by extravagant praise.

Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really intend to become a purchaser; and in this case it is best to attentively observe his works, make your choice, and trust the negotiation to a third person or to a written correspondence with the artist after the visit is concluded. You may express your desire for the work and obtain the refusal of it from the artist. If you desire to conclude the bargain at once and ask his price, and he names a higher one than you desire to give, you may say as much and mention the sum you are willing to pay, when it will be optional with the artist to maintain his first price or accept your offer.

It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist except by special invitation or permission and at an appointed time, for you cannot appreciate how much you may disturb him at his work. The hours of daylight are all golden to him; and steadiness of hand in manipulating a pencil is sometimes only acquired each day after hours of practice, and may be instantly lost on the irruption and consequent interruption of visitors.

Never take a young child to a studio, for it may do much mischief in spite of the most careful watching. At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the artist's temper and nerves by keeping him in a state of constant apprehension.

If you have engaged to sit for your portrait, ​never keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the appointed time. If you do so, you should in justice pay for the time you make him lose.

A visitor should never stand behind an artist and watch him at his work; for if he be a man of nervous temperament, it will be likely to disturb him greatly.