Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 8

A LADY used to traveling, if she pays a proper observance to the rules of behavior, may travel alone anywhere in the United States with perfect safety and propriety.

But there are many ladies to whom all the ways of travel are strange and unknown, and to such an escort is very acceptable.

When a gentleman has a lady put in his charge for a journey, he should appear at the station some minutes before the approach of the train in order to give himself time to procure her ticket and see her baggage properly checked.

The lady may either hand her purse to her attendant, out of which all needful expenses will be paid, she may give him a sum of money ample for these expenses, she may, before purchasing tickets, furnish him with the exact amount required, or she may allow him to defray the expenses of the journey out of his own purse and have a settlement with him afterward.

​When the train arrives, he should attend her to the car and secure the best possible seat for her. He should give her the choice of taking the outside or window seat, should stow away her packages in the proper receptacle, and then do all he can to make her journey a pleasant one.

Arrived at their destination, he should see her safely in car or carriage, or at least conduct her to the ladies' room of the station, before he goes to see about the baggage. He should attend her to the door or deliver her into the charge of friends before. he relaxes his care. He should call upon her the following day to see how she has withstood the fatigues of her journey. It is optional with her at this time whether she will receive him, and thus prolong the acquaintance, or not. However, it is scarcely supposed that a lady of really good breeding would refuse further recognition to one from whom she had accepted such services. If the gentleman is really unworthy of her regard, it would have been in better taste to have recognized the fact at first by declining his escort.

A lady may thoughtlessly or willfully make this escort duty very serious and onerous. She may be excedingly troublesome, nervous and fidgety. She may provide herself with numerous packages and give her attendant infinite trouble in looking after them. She may weary him with needless questions ​and disgust him with senseless fears. His very gentlemanliness and complacency may but encourage her selfishness and cause her to demand of him services which a true lady would always accept deprecatingly and with thanks.

But no well-bred lady will do all this. Such a one will reduce her hand-baggage to the minimum. to begin with. When this baggage is once disposed of, she will allow it to remain undisturbed, except for important reasons, until she prepares to leave the car. She will, as she nears her journey's end, deliberately gather her effects and prepare for departure, so that at the last moment there may be no scramblings, delays or overlooked packages.

A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services from her fellow-travelers, which she should always acknowledge graciously. Indeed, it is the business of a gentleman to see that the wants of an unescorted lady are attended to. He should offer to raise or lower her window if she seems to have any difficulty in doing it for herself. He may offer his assistance in carrying her packages upon leaving the car, or in engaging a carriage or obtaining a trunk.

Still, women should learn to be as self-reliant as possible; and young women particularly should accept proffered assistance from strangers, in all but the slightest offices, very rarely.

No lady of genuine breeding will retain possession of more than her rightful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking for accommodations, she should at once and with all cheerfulness so dispose of her baggage that the seat beside her will be at liberty for any one who desires it, no matter how agreeable it might be to retain possession of it.

There is no truer sign of want of proper manners than to see two ladies turn over the seat in front of them and fill it with their wraps and bundles, retaining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating looks of fellow-passengers. In such a case as this any person who needs a seat is justified in reversing the back, removing the baggage and taking possession of the unused place.

A gentleman in traveling may take possession of a seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after baggage, leaving the seat in charge of a companion or depositing traveling-bag or overcoat upon it to show that it is engaged. A gentleman cannot, however, in justice, vacate his seat to take another in the smoking-car and at the same time reserve his rights to the first seat. He pays for but one seat, and by taking another he forfeits the first.

It is not required of a gentleman in a railway ​car to relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a gentleman of genuine breeding will do so rather than allow the lady to stand or to suffer inconvenience from poor accommodations.

In the street cars the case is different. No woman should be permitted to stand while there is a seat occupied by a man. The inconvenience to the man will be temporary and trifling at the most, and he can well afford to suffer it rather than do an uncourteous act.

There is a place where the good manners of men seem sometimes to forsake them—in the ladies' saloon of ferry-boats. The men reign paramount in their own saloon. No woman dares intrude there, still less deprive its rightful occupants of their seats. Yet many men, without even the excuse of being escorts for women, preferring the purer natural and moral atmosphere of the ladies' saloon, take possession and seat themselves, notwithstanding women have to stand in consequence. This is not a matter of politeness alone; it is one of simple justice. The ladies' saloon is for the accommodation of ladies, and no gentleman has the right to occupy a seat so long as a lady is unprovided. The seats in street cars are surrendered to ​the ladies through courtesy; they take them in their own saloon on the ferry-boat as their right.

No man has any right to smoke in a public place where there is any woman present. It is not sufficient to ask her if she objects to smoking. Ten to one she will answer falsely rather than seem selfish or impolite.

Even in the society of men exclusively he is not justified in smoking until he has asked each one individually if he objects. If but a single person confesses to disliking it, he should put up his cigar-case.

It is impossible to dwell too strongly upon the importance of reserve and discretion on the part of ladies traveling alone. They may, as has been already said, accept slight services courteously proffered by strangers, but any attempt at familiarity must be checked, and this with all the less hesitation that no gentleman will be guilty of such familiarity; and a lady wants only gentlemen for her acquaintances.

Once, when traveling from Pittsburg to Cleveland, there were upon the same train with ourselves a young lady and gentleman who were soon the observed of all observers. He was a commercial traveler of some sort, and she probably just from boarding-school. They were total strangers to each other as they both entered the car at Pittsburg, ​though both had come from Philadelphia. The acquaintance began soon after leaving Pittsburg. By the time Wellsville was reached he had taken his seat beside her. At Alliance the personal history of each was known to the other. The gentleman here invited the lady to supper and paid her bill. Shortly afterward photographs were exchanged, they had written confidentially in each other's notebooks, and had promised to correspond. All this passed between them in tones so loud and with actions so obtrusive that they attracted the notice of every one in the car, and many were the comments upon them. As daylight waned she sunk upon his shoulder to sleep, while he threw his arm around her to support her. If they had announced their engagement at Hudson, and inquired for a clergyman upon the train to marry them upon their arrival at Cleveland, no one would have been really surprised. She was a foolish girl, yet old enough to have known better. He must have been a villain thus to take advantage of her silliness.

Still, if the journey is long, and especially if it be by steamboat, a certain sociability is in order, and a married lady or lady of middle age should make good use of her privileges in this respect.

It is especially the duty of ladies to look after other ladies younger or less experienced than themselves who may be traveling without escort. To ​watch these and see that they are not made the dupes of villains, and to pass a pleasant word with others who may possibly feel the loneliness of their situation, should be the especial charge of every lady of experience. Such a one may often have the privilege of rendering another lady an important service in giving her information or advice, or even assistance. Every lady of experience and self-possession should feel her duties to be only less than those of a gentleman in showing favors to the more helpless and less experienced of her own sex.

An acquaintance of either sex formed in traveling need never be retained afterward, though sometimes valuable and valued friends are thus secured.

No one has a right to keep open a window in a car or boat to the detriment of another. If the weather is cool and the windows are closed, before venturing to raise one the permission of all those whom the keen air might reach should first be asked. There are many discomforts in traveling, and they should be borne cheerfully with the reflection that what might relieve your simple discomfort may seriously endanger the health of another.

On board steamers and in hotels no gentleman ​will be guilty of rushing to the table, helping himself selfishly to what he wants and eating ravenously. Even though all others are guilty of these things, the man who abstains gives an evidence of his superior breeding.

See everywhere and at all times that ladies and elderly people have their wants supplied before you think of your own. Nor is there need for unmanly haste and pushing in entering or leaving cars or boats. There is always time enough allowed for each passenger to enter in a gentlemanly manner and with a due regard to the rights of others.

If, in riding in the street cars or crossing a ferry, your friend insists upon paying for you, permit him to do so without serious remonstrance. You can return the favor at some other time.

If a gentleman in traveling has provided himself with newspapers or other reading, he should offer them to his companions first. If they are refused, he may with propriety read himself, leaving the others free to do the like if they wish.

Ladies in traveling should scrupulously avoid monopolizing, to the exclusion of others, whatever conveniences are provided for their use. Mr. Pull​man, the inventor of the palace car, was asked why there were not locks or bolts upon the ladies' dressing-rooms. He replied that "if these were furnished, but two or three ladies in a sleeping-car would be able to avail themselves of the conveniences, for these would lock themselves in and perform their toilettes at their leisure." It sounds like satire upon American ladyhood, but we fear it is true.

In driving the choicest seat is the one facing the horses. Gentlemen should always yield this to the ladies; and if there are but one gentleman and one lady in the carriage, the gentleman must sit down opposite the lady unless she invite him to the seat by her side. The place of honor is on the right hand of the seat facing the horses. This is also the seat of the hostess, and she is never expected to resign it. If she is not driving, it must be offered to the most distinguished lady.

In entering a carriage one should so enter that the back is toward the seat intended to be occupied, so that there will be no need of turning round. A gentleman must be careful not to trample upon or crush ladies' dresses.

A gentleman must first alight from a carriage, even if he has to pass before a lady in so doing. He ​must then assist the ladies to alight. If there is a servant with the carriage, the latter may hold open the door, but the gentleman must by all means furnish the ladies the required assistance.

It is quite an art to descend from a carriage properly. More attention is paid to this matter in England than in America. We are told an anecdote by M. Mercy d'Argenteau illustrative of the importance of this. He says: "The princess of Hesse-Darmstadt, having been desired by the empress of Austria to bring her three daughters to court in order that Her Imperial Majesty might choose one of them for a wife to one of her sons, drove up in her coach to the palace gate. Scarcely had they entered her presence when, before even speaking to them, the empress went up to the second daughter, and taking her by the hand said,

"'I choose this young lady.'

"The mother, astonished at the suddenness of her choice, inquired what had actuated her.

"'I watched the young ladies get out of their carriage,' said the empress. 'Your eldest daughter stepped on her dress, and only saved herself from falling by an awkward scramble. The youngest jumped from the coach to the ground without touching the steps. The second, just lifting her dress in front as she descended, so as to show the point of her shoe, calmly stepped from the carriage to the ground, neither hurriedly nor stiffly, but with grace and dignity. She is fit to be an empress. The ​eldest sister is too awkward, the youngest too wild."

A gentleman in assisting a lady into a carriage will take care that the skirt of her dress is not allowed to hang outside. It is best to have a carriage-robe to protect it entirely from the mud or dust of the road. He should provide her with her parasol, fan and shawl before he seats himself, and make certain that she is in every way comfortable.

If a lady has occasion to leave the carriage before the gentleman accompanying her, he must alight to assist her out; and if she wishes to resume her seat in the carriage, he must again alight to help her to do so.

The etiquette of riding is very exact and important.

One should not make too prominent an appearance on horseback until one is thoroughly master of the situation. There is an old rhyme which gives the art of riding in one lesson:

A gentleman contemplating a ride with a lady should make certain her horse is a proper one for her use if it is one to which she is not accus​tomed. He must also see that everything about the saddle and head-gear is in perfect order and secure from accident, and not trust to the careless supervision of grooms or livery-stable men. He is for the time being responsible for her safety.

In riding with a lady it is the gentleman's duty to assist her to mount. The lady will place herself on the near or left side of the horse, standing as close to him as possible, with her skirt gathered in her left hand, her right hand upon the pommel and her face toward the horse's head. The gentleman should stand at the horse's shoulder, facing her, stooping, with his hand held so that she may place her left foot in it. This she does when the foot is lifted as she springs, so as to gently aid her in gaining the saddle. The gentleman must then put her foot in the stirrup and smooth the skirt of her habit. He is then at liberty to mount himself.

How close proximity he keeps to her, and if there are two ladies whether he ride between or on one side of them, must depend upon how skilled the ladies are in riding and how much assistance they require of him.

The lady must always decide upon the pace. It is ungenerous to urge her or incite her horse to a faster gait than she feels competent to undertake.

​If a gentleman riding alone meets a lady walking and desires to speak to her, he must alight to do so.

After the ride the gentleman must assist his companion to alight. She must first free her knee from the pommel and be certain that her habit is entirely disengaged. He must then take her left hand in his right and offer his left hand as a step for her foot. He must lower this hand gently and allow her to reach the ground quietly without springing. A lady should not attempt to spring from the saddle.

A gentleman should offer all the courtesies of the road, yielding the best and shadiest side of the road to the lady or elderly gentleman with whom he is riding. He must open all gates and pay all tolls. He should ride to the right of his companion, unless circumstances temporarily favor the other side.