Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 7

THERE is no place where a man and woman will so truly display their breeding as in the streets, in public conveyances and in traveling generally. That is a gentleman indeed who is always, in all times and places and under all circumstances, kindly and courteous to all he meets, regardful not only of the rights but of the wishes and feelings of others, deferential to women and to elderly men, and helpful to those who need his help.

That is the true lady who walks the streets wrapped in a mantle of proper reserve so impenetrable that insult and coarse familiarity shrink away from her, yet who carries with her a congenial atmosphere which attracts all and puts all at their ease.

In continental Europe a lady may not venture into the streets unattended. Here it is different; and though some would declare it otherwise, it is certainly true that a well-behaved lady may walk alone free from molestation anywhere and every​where and at almost any time. Even in the worst localities, if women only knew it, they are less liable to molestation than men.

A friend of ours who had traveled much told us that, having a great desire to see some of the worst places of London at midnight, he and a friend took with them two ladies for protection, and passed safely through crowds of roughs who, had they been alone, would not have permitted them to escape with whole coats and pocketbooks intact. As it was, the worst street-assemblage divided respectfully at sight of the ladies to let them pass.

A modest, dignified womanhood is, in truth, its own best protection in this country, where all men are trained to gentlemanliness, although conventionality requires on many occasions the attendance of a male escort. This is a fragment of foreign customs, though the rule has relaxed greatly. In the streets of Paris no woman alone and unprotected is safe from insult.

Though a woman may walk abroad safely by daylight, and even travel alone with perfect impunity from New York to San Francisco, etiquette requires that she shall not go out in the evening unattended. If she is visiting at a friend's house and has no proper escort to see her safely home, her friend should send a servant with her or request some ​proper person—a gentleman acquaintance present or her own husband—to perform the duty. If the husband volunteers the office, the lady should apologize for putting him to the trouble, at the same time accepting his services. It is better, however, to avoid putting others to unnecessary trouble, and at the same time prevent any gossip or petty scandal which arises in small towns, for the lady to secure a servant or friend to call for her at the proper time.

A married lady is not bound strictly by these rules, but may use her own discretion.

Strict etiquette requires that a lady meeting upon the street a gentleman with whom she has acquaintance shall give the first bow of recognition. In this country, however, good sense does not insist upon an imperative following of this rule. A well-bred man bows and raises his hat to every lady of his acquaintance whom he meets, without waiting for her to take the initiative. If she is well-bred, she will certainly respond to his salutation. As politeness requires that each salute the other, their salutations will thus be simultaneous.

One should always recognize acquaintances upon the street, either by bowing or words of greeting, a gentleman lifting his hat. It is not obligatory to shake hands. Shaking hands is not forbidden, but in most cases it is to be avoided in public.

If two friends stop to talk, they should remove to ​one side of the walk, so as not to obstruct the pathway.

If a gentleman meets a friend, and the latter has a stranger with him, all three should bow. If the gentleman stops his friend to speak to him, he should apologize to the stranger for detaining him. If the stranger is a lady, the same deference should be shown as if she were an acquaintance.

Never hesitate in acts of politeness for fear they will not be recognized and returned. One cannot be too polite so long as he conforms to rules, while it is easy to lack politeness by neglect of them. Besides, if courtesy is met by neglect or rebuff, it is not for the courteous person to feel mortification, but the boorish one. And so all lookers-on will regard the matter.

In meeting a lady it is optional with her whether she shall pause to speak. If the gentleman has anything to say to her, he should not stop her, but turn around and walk in her company until he has said what he has to say, when he may leave her with a bow and lift of the hat.

A gentleman walking with a lady may take either side of the pavement. It is not necessary to change sides as often as the street is crossed, that the lady may always have the inner side, as this is often awkward and inconvenient. If, however, the thor​oughfare is a crowded or dangerous one, the gentleman must keep the lady on that side of him where she will be the least exposed to crowding or danger.

A gentleman should, in the evening or whenever or wherever her safety, comfort or convenience seems to dictate it, offer the lady his arm. At other times it is not customary to do so unless the parties be husband and wife or engaged. Even in the latter case, if the arm is offered and accepted, the couple may be assured that they lay themselves open to remarks from trifling and gossiping persons.

In walking together, especially when arm in arm, it is desirable that the two keep step. To do this a compromise may be necessary between the long, measured strides of the gentleman and the short, quick steps of the lady. Ladies should be strongly impressed with the advisability of suiting their pace, as far as practicable, with that of their escort. It is easily done.

A gentleman should always hold open the door for a lady to enter first. This is obligatory, not only in the case of the lady who is with him, but also in that of any strange lady who chances to be about to enter at the same time.

A gentleman will always precede a lady up a flight of stairs, and allow her to precede him in going down.

A gentleman will reply courteously to any questions which a lady may address to him upon the street, at the same time lifting his hat, or at least touching it respectfully.

In England a well-bred man never smokes upon the streets. Are we obliged to say that the rule does not hold good in this country, or shall we repeat it with an emphasis upon the well-bred? At all events, no gentleman will ever insult a lady by smoking in the streets in her company, and in meeting and saluting a lady he will always remove his cigar from his mouth.

No gentleman is ever guilty of the offence of standing on street corners and the steps of hotels or other public places and boldly scrutinizing every lady who passes.

A gentleman will never permit a lady with whom he is walking to carry a package of any kind, but ​will insist upon relieving her of it. He may even accost a lady whom he sees overburdened and offer his assistance if their ways lie in the same direction.

A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and hear, recognizing acquaintances with a courteous bow and friends with words of greeting. She is always unobtrusive. She never talks loudly or laughs boisterously, or does anything to attract the attention of the passers by. She simply goes about her business in her own quiet, ladylike way, and by her preoccupation is secure from all the annoyance to which a person of less perfect breeding might be subjected.

A lady, be she young or old, never forms an acquaintance upon the streets or seeks to attract the attention or admiration of persons of the other sex. To do so would render false her claims to ladyhood, if it did not make her liable to far graver charges.

A lady never demands attentions and favors from a gentleman, but always accepts them gratefully and graciously and with expressed thanks.