Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 6

THE first consideration, when one has resolved to give a dinner-party, is who shall be invited; the second, how many. The utmost care should be taken that all the company will be congenial to one another, and with a similarity of tastes and acquirements, so that there shall be a common ground upon which they may meet.

The number of guests should not be too large. From six to ten form the best number, being neither too large nor too small. By no means let the number at table count thirteen, for certain people have a superstition about this number; and though it is a very foolish and absurd one, it is courteous to respect it.

The invitations should be sent out some little time in advance of the proposed dinner-party, though the exact length of time depends much upon the locality where the persons concerned reside. If in a country ​place where entertainments are rare, a week beforehand, or even less, will suffice. In a large town or city two or three weeks is not too long, so that the persons who are invited may have ample time to arrange their engagements accordingly.

The invitations should be written on small notepaper, which may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids anything more. The envelope should match the sheet of paper.

The invitation should be issued in the name of the host and hostess.

The form of invitation should be as follows:

"Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer request the pleasure [or favor] of Mr. and Mrs. Arnold's company at dinner on Thursday, the 13th of December, at 5 o'clock."

An answer should be returned at once, so that if the invitation is declined the hostess may modify her arrangements accordingly.

An acceptance may be given in the following form:

"Mr. and Mrs. Arnold have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer's invitation for December 13th."

The invitation is declined in the following manner:

"Mr. and Mrs. Arnold regret that a previous engagement (or whatever the cause may be) will prevent them having the pleasure of accepting Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer's invitation for December 13th."

Or,

"Mr. and Mrs. Arnold regret extremely that owing to [whatever the preventing cause may be], they cannot have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer on Thursday, December 13th."

Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should be stated briefly yet plainly, that there may be no occasion for misunderstanding or hard feelings.

The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal. It may take the form of a friendly note, something in this manner:

"Dear Miss Raymond,

"We have some friends coming to drink tea with us to-morrow: will you give us the pleasure of your company also? We hope you will not disappoint us."

One should always say "drink tea," not "take tea," which is a vulgarism.

Once an invitation to dinner is accepted, nothing ​but illness or death should be allowed to interfere with the engagement. When it is discovered that the engagement must absolutely be broken, send a note at once, in time to allow your place to be supplied.

The dinner-hour varies with different localities.

In cities, where gentlemen are detained at their places of business during the whole of the day, dinner is ordinarily postponed until five, six, or even seven, o'clock.

In small towns and country places dinner occurs at a much earlier hour. Therefore no exact directions can be given in this matter, but that hour must be selected which most nearly corresponds with the known habits of the guests.

The hostess should perfect all her arrangements for her dinner, so that as soon as her guests begin to assemble she may devote her whole attention to them without any disturbing thoughts.

Punctuality is rigorously enjoined upon guests at a dinner-party. No one has a right to keep an assembled company waiting, and perhaps cause the dinner to spoil, on his account.

Guests should not arrive too early, or they may surprise their hostess before all her arrangements are completed.

​Dinner should be announced soon after the last guest has arrived.

When guests are announced, the lady of the house advances a few steps to meet them, gives them her hand and welcomes them cordially.

If there are strangers in the company, it is best to introduce them to all present, that they may feel no embarrassment.

The host and hostess should arrange beforehand between themselves the proper order in which the guests are to proceed to the dining-room, so that there shall be no hesitation or misunderstanding at the time.

It being indicated to each gentleman what lady he is expected to escort to the dining-room, the host offers his arm to the most distinguished lady present, or the one whose age or rank entitles her to precedence, and leads the way. The guests follow, and last of all comes the hostess with the most distinguished gentleman or greatest stranger present.

The hostess seats herself at the head of the table, her escort upon her right and another gentleman ​upon her left. The host sits opposite her, with the lady whom he has escorted at his right and another lady upon his left. The rest of the company are disposed a lady and gentleman alternately.

The guests should not seat themselves until the host or hostess has indicated to them their proper seats, and gentlemen should stand until all ladies are seated.

The latest and most satisfactory plan for serving dinners is the dinner a la Russe, in which all the food is placed upon a side table and servants do the carving. This style gives an opportunity for more profuse ornamentation of the table, which as the meal progresses does not become encumbered with partially empty dishes and platters holding half-denuded bones.

The gloves must be removed from the hands and the napkin partially unfolded and laid across the lap.

Soup is the first course. All should accept it even if they let it remain untouched, because it is better to make a pretence of eating until the next course is served than to sit waiting or compel the servants to serve one before the rest.

Soup should be eaten with the side of the spoon, ​not from the point, and there should be no noise of sipping while eating it. It should not be called for a second time.

Fish follows soup, and must be eaten with a fork unless fish-knives are provided. Put the sauce, when it is handed you, on the side of your plate.

Fish may be declined, but must not be called for a second time.

After soup and fish come the side-dishes, which must be eaten with a fork only, though the knife may be used in cutting anything too hard for a fork.

If you do not desire a dish offered to you, simply refuse it; do not add that you do not care for it or it does not agree with you. The host and hostess, on the other hand, should not press a guest to take some proffered dish which he has refused. Neither should they make any remarks either in praise of or apology for the viands they have prepared.

Never apologize to a waiter for requiring him to wait upon you; that is his business. Neither reprove him for negligence or improper conduct; that is the business of the host.

When a dish is offered you, accept or refuse, and leave the waiter to pass it on. A gentleman will see that the lady whom he has escorted to the table is ​helped to all she wishes, but it is officiousness to offer to help any other lady.

If it is an informal dinner, and the guests pass the dishes to one another instead of waiting to be helped by a servant, you should always help yourself from the dish, if you desire to do so at all, before passing it on to the next.

A guest should never find fault with the dinner or with any part of it.

When you are helped, begin to eat without waiting for others to be served.

A knife should never, on any account, be put into the mouth. Many even well-bred people in other particulars think this an unnecessary regulation; but when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette, and that its violation causes surprise and disgust to many people, it is wisest to observe it.

As an illustration of this point, I will quote from a letter from the late Wm. M. Thackeray, addressed to a gentleman in Philadelphia: "The European continent swarms with your people. They are not all as polished as Chesterfield. I wish some of them spoke French a little better. I saw five of them at supper at Basle the other night with their knives down their throats. It was awful! My daughter saw it, and I was obliged to say, 'My dear, your great-great-grandmother, one of the finest ladies of the old school I ever saw, always applied cold steel to her wittles. It's no crime to eat with a knife,' which is all very well; but I wish five of 'em at a time wouldn't."

​Never take up a piece of asparagus or the bones of fowl or bird with your fingers to suck them, possibly making the remark that "fingers were made before forks." These things should always be cut with a knife and eaten with a fork. If fingers were made before forks, so were wooden trenchers before the modern dinner service. Yet it would rather startle these advocates of priority to be invited to a dinner-party where the dining-table was set with a wooden trencher in the centre, into which all the guests were expected to dip with their fingers.

Bread should be broken, not bitten. This is, of course, taken with the fingers.

Be careful to remove the bones from fish before eating it. If a bone gets inadvertently into the mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in removing it.

Cherry-stones should be removed from the mouth as unobtrusively as possible and deposited on the side of the plate. A good way is to watch how others are doing and follow their example. A better way still is for the hostess to have her cherries stoned before they are made into pies and puddings, and thus save her guests this dilemma.

Speaking of watching how others are doing, and following their example, reminds us of an anecdote told us not long since by the lady who played the principal part in it.

​She was visiting at the house of a friend, and one day there was upon the dinner-table some sweet corn cooked on the ear. Not knowing exactly how to manage it so as not to give offence, she concluded to observe how the others did. Presently two of the members of the family took up their ears of corn in their fingers and ate the grain directly from the cob. So Miss Mary thought she might venture to eat hers in the same manner. Scarcely had she begun, however, when her hostess turned to her little boy and said, "I am going to let you eat your corn just like a little pig to-day."

"How is that, mamma?" questioned the boy.

"Look at Miss Mary," was the reply. "I am going to let you eat it just as Miss Mary is eating hers."

The mixed state of Miss Mary's feelings can be better imagined than described.

Never use a napkin in the place of a handkerchief by wiping the forehead or blowing the nose with it.

Do not scrape your plate or tilt it to get the last drop of anything it may contain, or wipe it out with a piece of bread.

Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Everything that can be cut without a knife should be cut with a fork alone.

Eat slowly.

Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon. Ice requires a spoon.

Cheese must be eaten with a fork.

​Talk in a low tone to your next neighbor, but not in so low a tone but that your remarks may become general. Never speak with the mouth full.

Never lay your hand or play with your fingers upon the table. Neither toy with your knife, fork or spoon, make pills of your bread nor draw imaginary lines upon the table-cloth.

Never bite fruit. An apple, pear or peach should be peeled with a silver knife, and all fruit should be broken or cut.

We are glad to say that the English habit of gentlemen remaining at the table, after the ladies have retired, to indulge in wine, coarse conversation and obscene jokes, has never been received into popular favor in this country. The very words "after-dinner jokes" suggest something indecent. We take our manners from Paris instead of London, and ladies and gentlemen retire together from the dining-table, instead of the one sex remaining to pander to their baser appetites, and the other departing with all their delicate sentiments in a state of outrage if they pause to think of the cause of their dismissal.

After retiring to the drawing-room the guests should intermingle in a social manner, and the time until the hour of taking leave may be spent either in conversation or in various entertaining games. It is expected the guests will remain two or three hours after the dinner.

​During the week following a dinner-party each guest must call upon the hostess.

If you cannot afford to give a ball in good style, you had better not attempt it at all.

Having made up your mind to give a ball and to do justice to the occasion, and having settled upon the time, the next thing is to decide whom and how many to invite. In deciding upon the number a due regard must be paid to the size of the rooms; and after making allowance for a reasonable number who may not accept the invitation, there should be no more invited than can find comfortable accommodations, both sitting- and standing-room being taken into account, and at the same time have the floor properly free for dancing. The more guests you have the more brilliant, and the fewer you have the more enjoyable, will the occasion be.

One-third more may be invited than the rooms will comfortably hold, and the invitations should be sent out three weeks in advance.

Any number over a hundred guests constitutes a "large ball;" under fifty it is merely a "dance."

As dancing is the amusement of the evening, due regard should be paid to the dancing qualifications of the proposed guests. Although it is not necessary ​that all who are invited should dance, yet it will not do to have too many to act the part of wall-flowers.

One should be scrupulous and not wound the prejudices of a friend by sending her an invitation to a ball when it is well known she is conscientiously opposed to dancing.

The requisites for perfect success in giving a ball are good ventilation, a good dancing-floor, good music, a good supper and good dancers.

In this country it is customary to decorate the house most elaborately with flowers. Although this is exceedingly expensive, it adds much to the success of the entertainment, rendering the rooms beautiful beyond description.

Invitations to a ball should be given in the lady's name. An invitation needs no reply unless it is refused.

There should be dressing-rooms for ladies and gentlemen, each supplied with a servant or servants. There should be cards with the names of the invited guests upon them, or checks with duplicates ​to be given to the guests, ready to pin upon the wraps of each one.

Each dressing-room should be supplied with a complete set of toilet articles.

Guests may arrive at a ball at any time between the hours of nine and twelve. They should avoid going too early.

The lady of the house should stand near the door of the drawing-room and receive her guests as they enter. The latter should go directly to her and pay her their respects before they recognize any one else.

A young lady should not enter the room alone. She should be attended by a married lady, a brother or other gentleman.

The lady's escort should call for her and accompany her to the place of entertainment; go with her as far as the dressing-room door, and after visiting the gentlemen's dressing-room return to meet her there when she is prepared to go to the ball-room; enter the latter room with her and lead her to the hostess; dance the first dance with her; conduct her to the supper-room, and be ready to accompany her home whenever she gives the signal. He ​should watch during the evening to see that she is supplied with dancing partners.

Each guest should be supplied with a tablet containing a printed programme of the dances, with space for written engagements upon it, and a pencil attached.

The supper-room is thrown open at midnight, and remains open until the ball closes. It is the duty of the hostess to see that everybody is properly attended to the supper-room.

If any young lady is without proper escort, and so in danger of losing her supper, the hostess should request some gentleman present to go to the rescue and conduct her to the supper-room.

Gentlemen will evince their good breeding by conducting ladies and attending to their wants, instead of rushing in alone and making groups by themselves.

No refreshments should be handed around a ball-room. If it is desirable to have refreshments served before supper, let there be a separate refreshment-room, where tea, lemonade, cakes and such lighter refreshments may be obtained at any time.

In the supper-room more substantial viands should be found, but everything must be carved beforehand.

Gentlemen should engage their partners for the approaching dance before the music strikes up.

In a private ball a lady cannot well refuse to dance with any gentleman who invites her unless she has a previous engagement.

If a lady declines to dance from weariness, the gentleman will show her a compliment by abstaining from dancing himself and remaining beside her while the dance progresses.

A gentleman of genuine politeness will not give all his time and attention to the belles of the evening, but will at least devote a little thought to the wall-flowers who sit forlorn and unattended, and who, but for him, might have no opportunity to dance. These wall-flowers should be the especial care of the hostess also, and she should draft the young men to do duty in their behalf, and they cannot in politeness refuse her.

The right of introducing rests mainly with the ladies and gentlemen of the house, though a chaperon may introduce a gentleman to her charge, or a gentleman may, with her permission, provide the lady whom he has escorted with partners.

​A ball-room acquaintance does not extend beyond the evening in which it is formed.

A gentleman should not ask a lady to dance too frequently with him, as he may be excluding others from the same pleasure.

At the end of the dance the gentleman offers his right arm to his partner and walks through the room. He will ask her if she desires refreshments; and if she assents, he will take her to the refreshment-room and see her properly served. The lady must not in this case linger many minutes in the refreshment-room, as she may be preventing her partner from fulfilling an engagement with some one else.

If the lady declines refreshments, the gentleman must conduct her to a seat and thank her for the pleasure the dance has afforded him.

A lady will not cross a ball-room unattended.

A gentleman will not take a vacant seat next a lady who is a stranger to him. If she is an acquaintance, he may do so with her permission.

White kid gloves should be worn at a ball, and only be taken off at supper-time.

In dancing quadrilles do not make any attempt to take steps. A quiet walk is all that is required.

Do not attempt a dance with which you are not ​familiar, as you by your ignorance and awkwardness may disarrange the whole set.

Husbands and wives should not dance together at a ball unless the entire quadrille is composed of married partners.

It is better to retire early rather than late from a ball. Make your adieux quietly to the hostess; or if she is not conveniently found, depart without bidding her good-evening rather than attract attention to your departure.

When a gentleman escorts a lady home from a ball, she should not invite him to enter the house; and even if she does so, he should by all means decline the invitation. He should call upon her during the next day or evening.

The rules laid down here all apply to the private ball, though the same will hold good at a public one, with this proviso—that you go with a group of your own acquaintances and dance and converse only with them during the evening.