Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 5

VISITS are of ceremony, of condolence, of congratulation and of friendship. The three former are usually brief in duration, and, in contradistinction to more lengthy visits, denominated calls.

Calls may be made either in the morning or in the evening.

Morning calls should not be made earlier than twelve M. nor later than five P. M. From twelve until three are the most fashionable hours.

A morning call should not exceed half an hour in length. From ten to twenty minutes is ordinarily quite long enough. If other visitors come in, the visit should terminate as speedily as possible. Upon leaving bow. slightly to the strangers. It is not necessary to introduce visitors to each other at a morning call unless they have indicated their desire to be acquainted.

In making a call be careful to avoid the lunch- or dinner-hour of your friends.

In many cases it is more convenient for both caller and called upon that the call should be made in the evening. An evening call should never take place later than nine o'clock nor be prolonged after ten, neither should it be more than an hour in length.

On making a call send up your card by the one who answers your summons at the door, if the person or persons called upon are at home. This is better than trusting your name to a servant, who may possibly mispronounce it. Leave your card at the door if you find no one at home. If there are two or more ladies for whom the call was intended, a corner of the card should be turned down.

A visiting-card should bear simply the name and address of its owner. If the person has any legitimate title, such as Dr. or Rev. or Capt., it is perfectly proper to prefix it to the name; but if the title is merely an honorary one, such as Prof. or Hon., good taste indicates that it should be omitted.

A gentleman on receiving a friend meets him at the door and places a chair for him. A lady should ​rise to meet a gentleman, but need not advance from her seat if she do not choose. She may shake hands with her guest if she feels inclined, or she may merely bow. In receiving a lady she should advance to meet her.

A gentleman on receiving a lady should not only meet her at the door of the drawing-room, but should at the end of her call accompany her to the steps, and even to her carriage. A lady should accompany a lady visitor to the door on leaving unless other guests claim her attention. If her visitor be a gentleman, she may content herself with ringing for the servant to see him to the door.

In making a formal call a gentleman should retain his hat and gloves in his hand on entering the room. The hat should not be laid upon a table or stand, but kept in the hand, unless it is found necessary from some cause to set it down. In that case deposit it upon the floor. An umbrella should be left in the hall. In an informal evening call the hat, gloves, overcoat and cane may all be left in the hall.

A lady may in making a call bring a stranger, even a gentleman, with her without previous permission. A gentleman should never take that liberty.

​No one should prolong a call if the person upon whom the call is made is found dressed ready to go out.

Never look at a watch during a morning visit.

A lady never calls upon a gentlemen except professionally or officially.

A lady should be more richly dressed when calling on her friends than for an ordinary walk.

Never allow young children or pets of any sort to accompany you in a call. They often prove very disagreeable and troublesome.

In receiving morning visits it is unnecessary for a lady to lay aside any employment not of an absorbing nature upon which she may happen to be engaged. Embroidery, crocheting or light needlework is perfectly in harmony with the requirements of the hour, and the lady looks much better employed than in perfect idleness.

A lady should pay equal attention to all her guests. The display of unusual deference is alone allowable when distinguished rank or reputation or advanced age justifies it.

A guest should take the seat indicated by the hostess. A gentleman should never seat himself on a sofa beside her, or in a chair in immediate proximity, unless she specially invites him to do so.

The seat of honor in the winter is in the corner by the fireplace, and that seat should be offered to the most distinguished guest. If a single lady occupies the seat and a married lady enters, the ​former should immediately rise and offer the latter her seat, herself taking another chair.

When a person has once risen to take his leave, he should not be persuaded to prolong his stay.

A caller should take special pains to make his visits opportune. On the other hand, a lady should always receive her callers at whatever hour or day they come if it is possible to do so.

If a lady is so employed that she cannot do this, she should charge the servant who goes to answer the bell to say that she is "engaged." This will prove sufficient with all well-bred people. On no account return the message "engaged" after the card or name has been sent up. It will in that case look as though there were a personal and special reason for not seeing the visitor.

The servant should have her orders to say engaged" before any one has called, so the lady shall avoid all risk of being obliged to inconvenience herself in receiving company when she has intended to deny herself. If there are to be exceptions made in favor of any individual or individuals, mention his or their names specially to the servant, adding that you will see them if they call, but to all others you are "engaged."

A lady should always be dressed sufficiently well to receive company, and not keep them waiting while she is making her toilette.

Some ladies receive only on certain days or evenings. But unless the lady has professional duties or is very much occupied with social ones, there is a sort of affectation about this, as it assumes that your acquaintances will specially charge themselves with remembering your particular day. Still, when a lady has made this rule, it is considerate in her friends to try and observe it.

It is neither necessary nor customary, in cities and towns, to offer refreshments to visitors. But in the country, where the caller has come from a distance, it is exceedingly hospitable to do so.

May be less ceremonious and of longer duration than those made in the city.

No hostess will ever leave the room, or even rise from her seat, if she can avoid it, except to receive or take leave of other visitors, while her visitors remain.

Never touch an open piano or walk around the room examining pictures while waiting for your hostess.

Never handle any ornament in the room or play with your parasol or cane during your call.

In calling upon friends at a boarding-house or ​hotel, write their names above your own on your card, that the right persons may be sure to receive it.

Calls made upon you, either in person or by card, during illness, must be returned as soon as your health is restored.

The card plays an important rôle in visits.

A card should always be sent by the servant who admits you to the hostess who is to receive you, that there may be no mistake in your name.

If you find any one absent from home or engaged, a card may be left in lieu of a visit.

A married lady may leave her husband's card with her own.

Cards may be sent during the illness of any one, accompanied with verbal inquiries concerning the patient's health.

In case of visits of condolence, cards may be made to serve the purpose of an actual visit.

So, also, on occasions for congratulation, if circumstances forbid an immediate formal visit, a card should be sent instead.

A newly-married couple indicate whom they wish to retain for acquaintances by sending out their cards. The reception of these cards should be acknowledged by an early personal call.

​Cards must be left the week following a dinner-party, ball or social gathering.

Residents in a place should make the first call upon new comers. This call should be returned within a week.

If there is a stranger visiting at the house of a friend, the acquaintances of the family should be punctilious to call at an early date.

Never offer to go to the room of an invalid upon whom you have called. Wait for an invitation to be given you to do so.

A lady should never lay aside her bonnet during a formal call even though urged to do so. If the call be a friendly and unceremonious one, she may do so if she thinks proper, though never without an invitation.

If you should call upon a friend and find a party assembled, remain a short time and converse in an unembarrassed manner, and then withdraw, refusing invitations to remain unless they be very pressing and apparently sincere.

Visits of condolence should be paid as soon as practicable after the event which occasions them. They should be brief. The dress of the caller should be plain in style and subdued in color. The conversation should be in harmony with the character of the visit, avoiding every gay and trifling subject, yet leaving it optional with those to whom you would offer your sympathy whether they shall refer to their bereavement or not.

No one should accept a general invitation for a prolonged visit. "Do come and spend some time with me" may be said with all earnestness and cordiality, but to give the invitation real meaning the date should be definitely fixed and the length of time stated.

A person who pays a visit upon a general invitation need not be surprised if he finds himself as unwelcome as he is unexpected. His friends may be absent from home, or their house may be already full, or they may not have made arrangements for visitors. From these and other causes they may be greatly inconvenienced by an unexpected arrival.

It would be well if people would abstain altogether from this custom of giving general invitations, which really mean nothing, and be scrupulous to invite their desired guests at a stated time and for a given period.

If no exact length of time is specified, it is well for the visitor himself to limit his visit to three days or a week, according to the degree of intimacy he has with the family or the distance he has come to pay the visit, announcing this limitation soon after his arrival, so that the host and hostess may invite a prolongation of the stay if they desire it, or so they can make their arrangements in accordance. One never likes to ask of a guest, "How long do you intend to remain?" yet it is often most desirable to know.

Offer your guests the best that you have in the way of food and rooms, and express no regrets and make no excuses that you have nothing better to give them.

Try to make your guests feel at home; and do this, not by urging them in empty words to do so, but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at the same time being careful to put out of sight any trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause you.

Devote as much time as is consistent with other engagements to the amusement and entertainment of your guests.

On the other hand, the visitor should try to conform as much as possible to the habits of the house ​which temporarily shelters him. He should never object to the hours at which meals are served, nor should he ever allow the family to be kept waiting on his account.

It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some occupation of his own, without seeming to need the assistance or attention of host or hostess; for it is undeniable that these have certain duties which must be attended to at this portion of the day, in order to leave the balance of the time free for the entertainment of their guests.

If any family matters of a private or unpleasant nature come to the knowledge of the guest during his stay, he must seem both blind and deaf, and never refer to them unless the parties interested speak of them first. Still more is he under moral obligations never to repeat to others what he may have been forced to see and hear.

The rule on which a host and hostess should act is to make their guests as much at ease as possible; that on which a visitor should act is to interfere as little as possible with the ordinary routine of the house.

It is not required that a hostess should spend her whole time in the entertainment of her guests. The latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for a portion of the day. On the other hand, it shows the worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude himself from the family and seek his own amusements and ​occupations regardless of their desire to join in them or entertain him. Such a guest had better go to a hotel, where he can live as independently as he chooses.

Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but at the same time never think of apologizing for any little additional trouble which your visit may occasion. It would imply that you thought your friends incapable of entertaining you without some inconvenience to themselves.

Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no articles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to servants.

A lady will not hesitate to make her own bed if few or no servants are kept; and in the latter case she will do whatever else she can to lighten the labors of her hostess as a return for the additional exertion her visit occasions.

Upon taking leave express the pleasure you have experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it is an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends of your safe arrival, at the same time repeating your thanks.

A host and hostess should do all they can to make the visit of a friend agreeable; they should urge him to stay as long as is consistent with his own plans, and at the same time convenient to themselves. But when the time for departure has been ​finally fixed upon, no obstacles should be placed in the way of leavetaking. Help him in every possible way to depart, at the same time giving him a general invitation to renew the visit at some future period.

expresses the true spirit of hospitality.