Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 4

THE very first requisite of a good conversationalist is to be a good listener. The second is to know what not to say. The third is to have ideas and be able to express them concisely, intelligently and agreeably.

The faculty of listening with interest and attention is one which should be specially cultivated. No matter if the talker is prosy and prolix, the well-bred listener will appear interested, and at appropriate intervals make such remarks as shall show that he has heard and understood all that has been said. Certain superficial people are apt to style this hypocrisy; but if it is, it is an exceedingly commendable hypocrisy, directly founded on the golden rule which commands us to show the same courtesy to others that we hope to receive ourselves. This golden rule is, in fact, the foundation of all true etiquette. We are commanded to check our impulses, conceal our dislikes, and even modify our likings, whenever and wherever they are liable ​to give offence or pain to others. The person who turns away with manifest displeasure, disgust or want of interest when another is addressing him, is guilty not only of an ill-bred, but a cruel, act.

Another grievous mistake which certain honest but unthinking people are liable to fall into is that of "speaking their mind" on all occasions and under all circumstances. Especially do they take credit to themselves for their courage if their freedom of speech happens to give offence to their listeners. Will not reflection show how cruel and unjust this is? The law restrains us from inflicting bodily injury upon those with whom we disagree, yet there is no legal preventive against this wounding of the feelings.

Still another class of people—people with the best intentions—feel it a duty which they take a satisfaction in performing, to parade their opinions on all occasions, opportune or inopportune. Such people should reflect that even the highest truth will suffer from an unwise and over-zealous advocacy. Courtesy requires that we give to the opinions of others the same toleration that we exact for our own, and good sense should cause us to remember that we are never likely to convert a person to our views when we begin by violating his notions of propriety ​and exciting his prejudices. A silent advocate of a cause is always better than an indiscreet one.

Another error of conversation is that of parading merely private matters before a public or mixed assembly or to acquaintances. Be assured, if strangers really wish to become informed about you or your affairs, they will find the means to gratify their curiosity without your advising them gratuitously. Besides, personal and family affairs, no matter how interesting they may be to the parties immediately concerned, are generally of little moment to outsiders. Still less will the well-bred person inquire into or narrate the private affairs of any other family or individual.

In refined and intelligent society one should always display himself at his best and make a proper and legitimate use of all such acquirements as he may happen to have. But there should be no ostentatious or pedantic show of erudition. Besides being vulgar, such a show subjects the person to ridicule.

Avoid an affectation of excessive modesty. Do not use the word "limb" for "leg." If legs are really improper, then let us on no account mention them. ​But having found it necessary to mention them, let us by all means give them their appropriate name. The change of name of an improper or offensive object cannot change the idea suggested by it. However, the impropriety consists not in the tabooed objects themselves, but in the mind of the person who has connected prurient ideas with them.

I need not say that no person of decency, still less delicacy, will be guilty of a double entendre. Still, as there are persons in the world possessing neither of these characteristics who will be guilty of them in the presence of people more respectable than themselves, and as the young and inexperienced are sometimes in doubt how to receive them, it is well to make some reference to them in a book of this character. A well-bred person always refuses to understand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If the phrase may be interpreted decently, and with such interpretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just the degree called for by such interpretation, and no more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe rebuke at a double entendre is only second in indelicacy to the indecency which grows hilarious over it, since both must recognize the evil intent. It is sufficient to let it pass unrecognized.

Not so when one hears an indelicate word or ex​pression, which allows of no possible harmless interpretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should flit across the lips. Either complete silence should be preserved in return or the words, "I do not understand you," be spoken. A lady will always fail to hear that which she should not hear, or, having unmistakably heard, she will not understand.

Apropos of this is an anecdote which I have just listened to from an elderly lady. In her youth this lady was once in the streets of the city alone after dark, and a man accosted her. She replied to him in French. He followed her some distance, trying to open a conversation with her; but as she persisted in replying only in French, he at last turned away, completely baffled in his efforts to understand or be understood.

No gentleman uses profane language. Having stated this, it is unnecessary to add that no gentleman uses profane language in the presence of a lady.

No lady, if she wishes to preserve unsullied her patent of ladyhood, will be guilty of any feminine substitute for profanity. The woman who exclaims "The dickens!" or "Mercy!" or "Goodness!" when she is annoyed or astonished is as vulgar in spirit, though perhaps not quite so regarded by society, as though she had used expressions which in print are ​generally indicated by an initial letter and a dash. It is curious how these profane and nonsensical exclamations cling to the language, and are even transferred from one language to another. Thus the lady who innocently sighs, "Ah, dear me!" has no suspicion that she is using profane Italian, saying, "Ah, Dio mio!" (Ah, my God!).

We need scarcely speak of the vulgarity of slang. Only the uncultivated and coarse will ever soil their lips with it.

Precisely the reverse of this, yet giving scarcely less evidence of want of proper cultivation, is the assumption of refinement in the choice of language. Some people never "go to bed;" they "retire." They never "read" a book or paper, but "peruse" it. They "purchase" instead of "buy;" they never "wish," but "desire." They are never guilty of commonplace "talking;" they always "converse." The best talkers and writers express their ideas in the plainest and simplest language.

Akin to this fault is the habit of introducing words or phrases of French or other foreign languages into common conversation. This is only allowable in writing, and not then except when the foreign word or phrase expresses more clearly and ​directly than English can do the desired meaning. In familiar conversation this is an affectation only pardonable when all persons present are perfectly familiar with the language.

Avoid all coarseness and familiarity in addressing others. A person who makes himself offensively familiar will have few friends.

Avoid all pretence at gentility. Pass for what you are, and nothing more. If you are obliged to make any little economies, do not be ashamed to acknowledge them as economies if it becomes necessary to speak of them at all. If you keep no carriage, do not be over-solicitous to impress your friends that the sole reason for this deficiency is because you prefer to walk. Do not be ashamed of poverty; but, on the other hand, do not flaunt its rags unmercifully in the face of others. It is best to say nothing about it either in excuse or defence.

Do not, of all things, in this republican country, boast of blood and family and talk of belonging to the "aristocracy." Nor, unless you wish to be set down as a superlative fool by all sensible people. put your servants in livery and a coat of arms ​upon the panels of your carriage and upon your plate.

Never interrupt a person who is speaking. Wait until you are sure he has finished what he has to say before you attempt to speak.

Never speak dogmatically or with an assumption of knowledge or information beyond that of those with whom you are conversing. Even if you are conscious of this superiority, a proper and becoming modesty will lead you to conceal it as far as possible, that you may not put to shame or humiliation those less fortunate than yourself. At all events, they will discover your superiority or they will not. If they discover it of their own accord, they will have much more admiration for you than though you forced the recognition upon them. If they do not discover it, rest assured you cannot force it upon their perceptions, and they will only hold you in contempt for trying to do so. Besides, there is the possibility that you over-estimate yourself, and instead of being a wise man you are only a self-sufficient fool.

Do not be guilty of flattery. Commend the estimable traits of your friends to others whenever and wherever you can, and you may even express your ​honest approval directly to them if you possess a delicate tact. Indeed, it is one of the most imperative social duties to let others see our appreciation of the good in their characters or actions. But beware of insincere praise bestowed from an unworthy motive.

Do not be censorious or faultfinding. Long and close friendship may sometimes excuse one friend in reproving or criticising another, but it must always be done in the kindest and gentlest manner, and in nine cases out of ten had best be left undone. When one is inclined to be censorious or critical, it is well to remember the scriptural injunction, "First cast the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother's eye."

Never attack the characters of others in their absence; and if you hear others attacked, say what you can consistently to defend them.

Avoid political or religious topics in general conversation, also in a tête-à-tête conversation if there is any likelihood of your listener differing with you. These topics always call out strong personal feeling, and when a difference of opinion arises, there almost invariably follows a warmth of expression which is ​certain to be regretted after the heat of the argument has died away.

Do not be egotistic. If you find yourself using the pronoun "I" too much, change the topic of conversation to a less personal one.

Be witty and amusing if you like, or rather if you can; but never use your wit at the expense of others.

It is needless to say, avoid all exhibitions of temper before others if you find it impossible to suppress them entirely. All emotions, whether of grief or joy, should be subdued in public, and only allowed full play in the privacy of our own apartments.

Be careful to speak correctly yourself, but never take notice of the inaccuracies of either grammar or pronunciation of others.

Do not appear to be preoccupied in the presence of others. Lord Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind, I choose to be absent in body."

Never whisper in company. Neither engage a ​single individual in the discussion of matters which are not understood by the others present.

Never directly or indirectly refer to the affairs of others which it may give them pain in any degree to recall.

Never ask impertinent questions; and under this head may be included nearly all questions. Some authorities in etiquette go so far as to say that all questions are strictly tabooed. Thus, if you wished to inquire after the health of the brother of your friend, you would say, "I hope your brother is well," not, "How is your brother's health?"

Never try to force yourself into the confidence of others; but if they give you their confidence of their own free will, let nothing whatever induce you to betray it. Never seek to pry into a secret, and never divulge one.

Never introduce unpleasant topics or describe revolting scenes in general company.

Never give officious advice. Even when your advice is sought, be sparing of it.

If you are talking on religious subjects, avoid all cant. Cant words and phrases may be used in good faith from the force of habit, but their use subjects the speaker to a suspicion of insincerity.

If you are a gentleman, never lower the intellectual standard of your conversation in addressing ladies. Pay them the compliment of seeming to consider them capable of an equal understanding with gentlemen. You will, no doubt, be somewhat surprised to find in how many cases the supposition will be grounded on fact, and in the few instances where it is not the ladies will be pleased rather than offended at the delicate compliment you pay them. When you "come down" to commonplace or smalltalk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is the consequence: she either recognizes the condescension and despises you, or else she accepts it as the highest intellectual effort of which you are capable, and rates you accordingly.

Still, you should always try to adapt your conversation to the tastes of those with whom you are conversing. If you can contrive delicately to speak of matters in which the person is specially interested, such as her children to a mother, to an author on ​the subject of his forthcoming book, and so on, you will be considered an especially agreeable companion.

People with hobbies are at once the easiest and most difficult persons with whom to engage in conversation. On general subjects they are idealess and voiceless beyond monosyllables. But introduce their special hobby, and if you choose you need only to listen. There is much profit to be derived from the conversation of these persons. They will give you a clearer idea of the aspects of any subject or theory which they may have taken to heart than you could perhaps gain in any other way.

The too constant riding of hobbies is not, however, to be specially commended. An individual, though he may be pardoned in cultivating special tastes, should yet be possessed of sufficiently broad and general information to be able to converse intelligently on all subjects, and he should, as far as possible, reserve his hobby-riding for exhibition before those who ride hobbies the same as or similar to his own.

The foregoing rules are not simply intended as good advice. They are strict laws of etiquette, to violate any one of which justly subjects a person to the imputation of being ill-bred. But they should not be studied as mere arbitrary rules. The heart should be cultivated in the right manner until the ​acts of the individual spontaneously flow in the right channels.

A recent writer remarks on this subject: "Conversation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inevitably betray their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the even-tempered and the generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always be acting. Let us, therefore, cultivate a tone of mind and a habit of life the betrayal of which need not put us to shame in the company of the pure and wise, and the rest will be easy. If we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelligent society, we shall not be rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire by example all that we have failed to learn from precept."