Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 2
WE are born into friendships. We may become possessed of them through a variety of circumstances, but most friendships which have a legitimate beginning come through an acquaintanceship which opens by means of an introduction. Not that I would intimate that an acquaintance begun without a formal introduction must of necessity be an improper one or one formed in an improper manner, only that such acquaintance comes through the by-ways. A formal introduction is the gate which guards the highway.
Care should be taken, in introducing two people to each other, that the introduction will be mutually agreeable. Whenever it is practicable, it is best to settle the point by inquiring beforehand. When this is inexpedient from any cause, a thorough acquaintance with both parties will warrant the introducer to judge of the point for him or herself.
It is especially obligatory to ask the consent of a lady before introducing a gentleman.
It is not strictly necessary that acquaintanceship should await a formal introduction. Persons meeting at the house of a common friend may consider that fact a sufficient warrant for the preliminaries of acquaintanceship if there seems to be a mutual inclination toward such acquaintanceship.
It is the part of a host and hostess to make introductions among their guests at a ball, though guests may, with perfect propriety, introduce each other, or, as already intimated, converse without the ceremony of introduction.
The proper form of introduction is to present the gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the inferior to the superior. Thus you will say: "Mrs. Cary, allow me to present to you Mr. Rhodes: Mr. Rhodes, Mrs. Cary;" "Mrs. Wood, let me present to you my friend Miss Ewing;" "General Graves, permit me to introduce to you Mr. Hughes." The exact words used in introductions are immaterial, so that the proper order is preserved. Thus, in introducing two gentlemen, it is sufficient to say, "Mr. Brown, Mr. Smith."
Whatever the form, it is of the utmost importance that each name should be spoken distinctly.
If several persons are to be presented to one individual, mention the name of the single individual first, and then call the others in succession, bowing slightly as each name is pronounced.
It is not necessary to introduce people who chance to meet in your house during a morning call; but if there is no reason for supposing that such an introduction will be objectionable to either party, it seems better to give it, as it sets both parties at ease in conversation. Acquaintanceship may or may not follow such an introduction, at the option of the parties. People who meet at the house of a mutual friend need not recognize each other as acquaintances if they meet again elsewhere unless they choose to do so.
When strangers from another town or from a foreign country are introduced, it is customary to mention the place from which they come; thus: "Mrs. Ross, permit me to present to you Mr. Poole, from New York." Or if he has recently returned from traveling, it is courteous to say, "Mr. Poole, recently returned from Europe." Such an announcement opens the way for conversation at once.
In introducing members of your own family, be careful not only to specify the degree of relationship, but to give the name also. There is nothing so awkward to a stranger as to be introduced to "My brother Tom," or "My sister Carrie." When either the introducer or the introduced is a married lady, the most clever conjecture is not likely to discover the name.
In introducing a person be sure to give him his appropriate title. If he is a clergyman, say "The Rev. Mr. Smith." If a doctor of divinity, say "The Rev. Dr. Smith." If he is a member of Congress, call him "Honorable," and specify to which branch of Congress he belongs. If he be governor of a State, mention what State. If he is a man of any celebrity in the world of art or letters, it is well to mention the fact something after this manner: "Mr. Brown, the artist, whose pictures you have frequently seen," or "Mr. Jones, author of 'The World after the Deluge,' which you so greatly admired."
A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers, and courtesy requires them to cultivate the acquaintance while your visitor remains with you. If you are the caller introduced, you must show the same attention to the friend of your friend that you would wish shown your own friends under the same circumstances.
Friends meeting at public places need not introduce each other to the strangers who may chance to be with them; and even if the introduction does take place, the acquaintance need not be kept up unless desired.
Two persons who have been properly introduced have in future certain claims upon one another's acquaintance which should be recognized unless there are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even in that case good manners require the formal bow of recognition upon meeting, which of itself encourages no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person will meet another with a vacant stare.
It is the lady's privilege to take the initiative in recognition after an introduction, and the gentleman is bound to return the bow.
A gentleman, in bowing to a lady upon the street, should not merely touch his hat, but should lift it from his head.
A slight bow is all that courtesy requires after an introduction. Shaking hands is optional, and it should rest with the older, or the superior in social standing, to make the advances. It is often an act of kindness on their part, and as such to be commended. An unmarried lady should not shake hands with gentlemen indiscriminately.
If while walking with one friend you meet a second, and the two are unacquainted, and you stop a moment to speak with the friend whom you have met, it is not necessary to introduce the two who are strangers to one another, though when you separate the friend who accompanies you should give a parting salutation the same as yourself. The same rule holds good if the friend whom you meet chances to be a lady.
In introducing persons in public speak the names as low as possible consistent with distinctness, that all the world may not hear them.
The "cut direct" is only justified in case of extraordinary and notorious bad conduct on the part of the individual "cut," and is very rarely indeed called for. In truth, one should have sufficient self-poise and conscious dignity to feel that his or her own character can never suffer by an act of common courtesy to any person whatever.
Gentlemen, and ladies who have reached middle age, may form acquaintances in traveling without the formality of introduction; but such acquaintanceship should be conducted with a certain amount of reserve, and need not be prolonged beyond the time of casual meeting. The slightest approach to disrespect or familiarity of manner should be checked by dignified silence. This privilege of chance acquaintanceship is not accorded to a young lady.
Use the utmost caution in giving letters of introduction. Do not give one under any circumstances unless you are perfectly well acquainted with the person to be introduced and the person to whom the letter is directed, and are morally certain that such a letter will conduce to the pleasure of both. A letter of introduction lays the recipient under certain obligations which he cannot well avoid, and which, under certain circumstances, he may find very inconvenient, or, if the person introduced does not prove pleasing to him, very disagreeable.
A letter of introduction should be left unsealed, that the party delivering it may read it if he will.
It is best not to deliver a letter of introduction in person. Doing so necessitates a very awkward moment to both parties while the letter is being read. It should be sent with the card bearing the name and address of the sender enclosed.
The receiver of a letter of introduction should call upon the person introduced, or leave his or her card the next day, and the call should be returned.
A lady receiving a letter introducing a gentleman should send him a note inviting him to pay her a morning or evening visit.
Any recipient of a letter of introduction should, as soon as convenient, invite the person recommended to his or her attention to a dinner-party (if practicable) at which there shall be other persons present with whom it may agreeable for the stranger to make acquaintance. Every other attention in the person's power should be shown to render the visit or stay of the party introduced agreeable. Among these attentions should be included accompanying him or her to places of interest.