Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 13

"DECORUM," says a French writer, "is nothing less than the respect of one's self and others. brought to bear upon every circumstance of life." In all our relations with our fellow-men, whether social or domestic, anything approaching coarseness, undue familiarity or levity of conduct is prolific of evil.

The proper giving and receiving of gifts may be almost styled an intuition which every one does not possess. A generous person may unwittingly wound where he intends to confer nothing but gratification. A grateful person may, through want of tact, seem almost to deprecate the liberality of the giver.

A gift should always have some other value to the receiver than its mere price. "Our tokens of love," says Emerson, "are, for the most part, barbarous, cold and lifeless because they do not represent our life. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Therefore let the farmer give his corn; the miner a gem; ​the sailor coral and shells; the painter his picture; and the poet his poem."

The rich should beware how they give to the poor lest they hurt their pride. The poor should only give to the rich that which their time, their affections or their talents have made precious.

A present should never be given with an expectation of a return. Nor should the recipient of a present ever be reminded of it by the giver.

In presenting a book to a friend do not write his or her name in it unless requested.

Neither over- nor undervalue the gift which you are offering to a friend. If it is really valueless, you insult your friend by presenting him with it.

Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from gentlemen to whom they are neither related nor engaged. A married lady may occasionally accept a present from a gentleman who is indebted to her for hospitality.

Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman should be in the name of both herself and her husband.

Never refuse a gift if offered in kindliness unless the circumstances are such that you cannot with propriety or consistency receive it. Neither in receiving a present make such comments as "I am ashamed to rob you," "I am sure I ought not to take it," which seem to indicate that your friend cannot afford to make the gift.

On the other hand, never make a gift which is ​really beyond or out of proportion to your means. For you may be sure the recipient is thinking, even if he have the good breeding to say nothing, that you had best have kept it yourself.

Acknowledge the receipt of a present immediately, accompanying the acknowledgment by sincere yet not too extravagant thanks. If you employ the latter, your sincerity may with good reason be doubted.

Do not make it a religious duty, so to speak, to return a present at once. You are justified in supposing that the gift has been offered for the purpose of affording you a pleasure, not with the expectation of a return, like a commercial transaction. At some future time you can annul the obligation, not regarding it, however, as an obligation, but from a like desire to give pleasure to your friend.

In society all should receive equal attention, the young as well as the old. If we wish our young people to grow up self-possessed and at ease, we must early train them in these graces by giving them the same attention and consideration we do those of maturer years. If we snub them and systematically neglect them, they will acquire an awkwardness and a deprecatory manner which it will be very difficult for them to overcome. We sincerely believe that that which is considered the natural gaucherie of young girls results more from ​the slights which they are constantly receiving, and constantly expecting to receive, than from any real awkwardness inherent in their age.

We should subdue our gloomy moods before we enter society. To look pleasantly and to speak kindly is a duty we owe to others. Neither should we afflict them with any dismal account of our health, state of mind or outward circumstances. It is presumed that each one has trouble enough of his own to bear without being burdened with the sorrows of others.

Nevertheless, if another makes us the confidant of his woes, we should strive to appear sympathetic, and if possible help him to be stronger under them.

In brief, we are called upon to make such minor sacrifices of sincerity as a due regard for the happiness and feelings of others demands. True politeness requires us to consider these before our own.

A lady who shows by act or expresses in plain, curt words that the visit of another is unwelcome may perhaps pride herself upon being no hypocrite. But she is, in reality, worse. She is grossly selfish. ​Courtesy, which is the essence of unselfishness, would require her for the time to forget her own feelings and remember those of her visitor, and thus her duty is plain to make that visitor welcome and happy while she remains. If she really does this—forgets self and thinks only of her friend—there is no hypocrisy, but the highest order of Christian charity.

Never loll, lounge, sit cross-legged or sidewise, fidget, yawn, bite the nails, twirl the watch-chain, or be guilty of any other like gaucherie in the presence of others.

Try to conquer shyness, so that you shall neither blush nor stammer when addressed, but shall be able to reply plainly and straightforwardly, and in clear and correct language.

Always give precedence to those older or of higher position than yourself unless they request you to take the precedence, when it is more polite to obey than to adhere to the strict rule of etiquette, since compliance with and adherence to the wishes of others display the finest breeding.

In matters of precedence be more careful to give others their rank than to take your own.

Always express your own opinions with modesty, and if called upon defend them, but without that warmth which may lead to hard feelings. Do not enter into argument. Having spoken your mind, and thus shown you are not cowardly in your beliefs or opinions, drop the subject and lead to some other topic. There is seldom any profit in idle discussion.

It is a sign of vulgarity to use stronger expressions than the occasion justifies, or profane language at any time.

Never boast of birth, money or friends, or of any superior advantages which may be yours.

In meeting people more than once in a public promenade it is only necessary to salute them the first time in passing.

A lady in company should never exhibit any anxiety to sing or play; but being requested to do so, if she intends to comply, she should do so at once, without waiting to be urged. If she refuses, she should do it in a manner that shall make her decision final. Having complied, she should not monop​olize the evening with her performances, but make way for others.

Never lose your temper at cards, and, above all, never be guilty of cheating. Neither make an accusation of cheating against another. If you are convinced of the fact, keep it to yourself; but you can decline to play with the same person on another occasion.

It is now entirely out of date to ask another at the dinner-table to drink wine with you. Each drinks at his own option, and as little as he chooses. If a person declines, he should by no means be pressed to take more. If he refuses to drink it altogether, he has a perfect right to do so, and no notice should be taken of the fact.

It is neither polite nor respectful to smoke in the presence of ladies, even though they have given permission. In truth, a gentleman will never ask such permission. Neither will he smoke in any room which ladies are in the habit of frequenting.

Spitting is a filthy habit, and should never be indulged in in public. As it is the necessary accompaniment of tobacco-chewing, therefore it follows ​that such chewing is vulgar in the extreme—a habit to be refrained from by real gentlemen.

Never ridicule others, be the objects of your ridicule present or absent.

Always show respect for the religious opinions and observances of others, no matter how much they may differ from your own.

Never read in company. It is your duty to contribute to the entertainment of others, and not to slight their efforts to entertain you.

It seems unnecessary to say that you should never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails or pick your nose in company.

Never lean your head against the wall, as you may disgust your wife or hostess by soiling the paper of her room.

Do not finger the ornaments of a house where you are calling. These things are to be looked at, not to be handled.

Never slam a door or stamp noisily on entering a room.

Always request a favor. Never issue a command, even if you have the authority to compel the observance of your wishes. Always recognize a favor, even from an inferior, with courteous thanks.

A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman instinctively removes his hat as soon as he enters a room the habitual resort of ladies.

A gentleman never retains his hat in a theatre or other place of public entertainment.

A gentleman may keep his hat on when handing a lady to a carriage, certain rules of etiquette to the contrary notwithstanding. Indeed, for him to do otherwise, and at the same time give proper assistance to the lady, he would find it necessary to have three hands.

Refrain from absent-mindedness in the presence of others. You pay them a poor compliment if you thus forget them.

Never affect superiority. In the company of an inferior never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the politeness and consideration you would show an ​equal. Assumption of superiority is the distinguishing trait of a parvenu.

Always be punctual. You have no right to waste the time of others by making them wait for you.

Never be fidgety. No matter how time may drag to you, do not let this be apparent to others by any visible sign of uneasiness. Keep yourself quiet and composed under all circumstances.

Never attract attention to yourself by talking or laughing loudly in a public place.

Always hand a chair for a lady, pick up her handkerchief or glove, and perform any little service she may seem to require.

Never enter a private room anywhere without knocking. Sacredly respect the private property of others, and let no curiosity tempt you to pry into letters, desks, packets, trunks or other belongings of another. It is ill-mannered to read a written paper lying upon a table or desk; whatever it may be, it is certainly no business of yours.

​No gentleman or lady will ever look over the shoulder of another who is reading or writing.

Never question a child or servant upon family affairs.

Never betray an implied confidence, even if you have not been bound to secrecy.

Conform your conduct as far as possible to the company you chance to be with, only do not throw yourself into improper company. It is related of a certain king that he once turned his tea into a saucer and drank it thus because two country ladies whom he was entertaining did so. That king comprehended the true spirit of a gentleman. It is better even to laugh at and join in with vulgarity, so that it do not degenerate into indecency, than to set yourself up as better and better mannered than those with whom you may chance to be associated. True politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit but absolutely demand a temporary violation of the ordinary obligations of etiquette.

Never address a mere acquaintance by his Christian name. He will have reason to take offence at your presumption. No lady will speak of a gentleman by his surname without the customary prefix of Mr.

Never answer another rudely or impatiently. Reply, and reply courteously, at whatever inconvenience to yourself.

Never refuse an apology for an offence, and never hesitate to make one if one is due from you.

Never intrude upon a business man or woman in business hours, unless you yourself mean business.

Never engage another in private conversation in the presence of others, nor make mysterious allusions which only you and your friend understand.

On entering a room bow slightly as a general salutation before speaking to each of the persons assembled.

Before taking your place at a table, say "Good-morning" or "Good-evening" to those present, especially to host and hostess.

Never speak of your husband or wife by their initial letter. Among very intimate friends it may ​be allowable to mention them by their Christian names, but among strangers and mere acquaintances they should always be referred to as Mr. or Mrs. ——. It is not even allowable to mention them as "my wife" or "my husband."

Do not seem to notice by word or glance the deformity of another.

To administer reproof to any one in the presence of others is exceedingly impolite. To scold at any time is unwise.

Do not put on a show of eccentricity for effect. If you really are eccentric in your character, you may not be able to help it, but you should do what you can to disguise the fact in general society, unless the very doing so seems to bring out your eccentricity all the more, as is sometimes the case.

Never directly contradict any one. Say, "I beg your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed," or some such similar phrase which shall break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimportant it is better to let it pass without correction.

Let no man speak a word against a woman at any time, or mention a woman's name in any company where it should not be spoken. A person at an English dinner-party once made an after-dinner speech, in which he was loud in his abuse of the sex. When he had concluded, a gentleman whose indignation was aroused remarked: "I hope the gentleman refers to his own mother, wife and sisters, and not to ours."

"Civility," says Lord Chesterfield, "is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours."

Never undertake a commission for a friend and neglect to perform it.

Never play a practical joke upon any one or answer a serious remark by a flippant one.

Never lend a borrowed book, and never keep such a book one day after you are done with it.

Never pass between two persons who are talking together; and never pass before any one when it is possible to pass behind him. When such an act is absolutely necessary, always apologize for so doing.

No gentleman will stand on the hearth with his back to the fire in the presence of others.

Bishop Beveridge says, "Never speak of a man's virtues before his face or his faults behind his back."

Another maxim is, "In private watch your thoughts; in your family watch your temper; in society watch your tongue."

Chesterfield says: "As learning, honor and virtue are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind, politeness and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, virtue, learning and parts, are above the generality of the world, who neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others. But all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affability and an obliging, agreeable address and manner, because they feel the good effects of them as making society easy and pleasing."

Mr. Sparks has given to the public a collection of Washington's directions as to personal conduct, which he called his "Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company." We give these rules entire, as they cannot fail to both interest and profit the reader:

1. Every action in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those present.
2. In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers or feet.
3. Speak not when others speak, sit not when others stand and walk not when others stop.
4. Turn not your back to others, especially in speaking; jog not the table or desk on which another reads or writes; lean not on any one.
5. Be no flatterer, neither play with any one that delights not to be played with.
6. Read no letters, books or papers in company; but when there is a necessity for doing it, you must not leave. Come not near the books or writings of any one so as to read them unasked; also look not nigh when another is writing a letter.
7. Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave.
8. Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another, though he were your enemy.
9. They that are in dignity or office have in all places precedency, but whilst they are young, they ​ought to respect those that are their equals in birth or other qualities, though they have no public charge.
10. It is good manners to prefer them to whom we speak before ourselves, especially if they be above us, with whom in no sort we ought to begin.
11. Let your discourse with men of business be short and comprehensive.
12. In visiting the sick do not presently play the physician if you be not knowing therein.
13. In writing or speaking give to every person his due title according to his degree and the custom of the place.
14. Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgment to others with modesty.
15. Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he himself professes; it savors of arrogancy.
16. When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame not him that did it.
17. Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be in public or in private, presently or at some other time, also in what terms to do it; and in reproving show no signs of choler, but do it with sweetness and mildness.
18. Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; break no jests that are sharp or biting; and if you deliver anything witty or pleasant, abstain from laughing thereat yourself.
19. Wherein you reprove another be unblamable ​yourself, for example is more prevalent than precept.
20. Use no reproachful language against any one, neither curses nor revilings.
21. Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any one.
22. In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to accommodate nature rather than procure admiration. Keep to the fashion of your equals, such as are civil and orderly with respect to time and place.
23. Play not the peacock, looking everywhere about you to see if you be well decked, if your shoes fit well, if your stockings set neatly and clothes handsomely.
24. Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.
25. Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for it is a sign of tractable and commendable nature; and in all causes of passion admit reason to govern.
26. Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a secret.
27. Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown and learned men, nor very difficult questions or subjects amongst the ignorant, nor things hard to be believed.
28. Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth nor at the table; speak not of melancholy things, as death and wounds; and if others mention them, ​change, if you can, the discourse. Tell not your dreams but to your intimate friends.
29. Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth. Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion. Deride no man's misfortunes, though there seem to be some cause.
30. Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor earnest. Scoff at none, although they give occasion.
31. Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the first to salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive when it is time to converse.
32. Detract not from others, but neither be excessive in commending.
33. Go not thither where you know not whether you shall be welcome or not. Give not advice without being asked; and when desired, do it briefly.
34. If two contend together, take not the part of either unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your opinion; in things indifferent be of the major side.
35. Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for that belongs to parents, masters and superiors.
36. Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, and ask not how they came. What you may speak in secret to your friend deliver not before others.
37. Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in your own language; and that as those of quality do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters treat seriously. ​
38. Think before you speak; pronounce not imperfectly, nor bring out your words too hastily, but orderly and distinctly.
39. When another speaks, be attentive yourself, and disturb not the audience. If any hesitate in his words, help him not, nor prompt him without being desired; interrupt him not, nor answer him till his speech be ended.
40. Treat with men at fit times about business, and whisper not in the company of others.
41. Make no comparisons; and if any of the company be commended for any brave act of virtue, commend not another for the same.
42. Be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof. In discoursing of things you have heard, name not your author always. A secret discover not.
43. Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither approach to those that speak in private.
44. Undertake not what you cannot perform; but be careful to keep your promise.
45. When you deliver a matter, do it without passion and indiscretion, however mean the person may be you do it to.
46. When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them; neither speak nor laugh.
47. In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as not to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, and submit to the judgment of the major part, especially if they are judges of the dispute. ​
48. Be not tedious in discourse, make not many digressions, nor repeat often the same matter of discourse.
49. Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
50. Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and if you have reason to be so show it not; put on a cheerful countenance, especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one dish a feast.
51. Set not yourself at the upper end of the table; but if it be your due, or the master of the house will have it so, contend not, lest you should trouble the company.
52. When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey your natural parents.
53. Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.
54. Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.