Our Behaviour/Part 1/Chapter 11

IT cannot be expected that we shall in this chapter discuss the proper qualifications of husbands and wives or give good advice or words of warning in these matters. There is much to be said, no doubt, but the one in need must look elsewhere for information or counsel. It is our business only to dictate the proper behavior of young men toward young women and young women toward young men during the most important and interesting period of their lives. Let them be good, bad or indifferent, if they would regulate their actions after the strict rules of society, and so seem at their best, they would do well to study the pages of this book, or of one of similar character.

A young man and young woman who are not yet engaged enjoy the period of the greatest freedom they will ever know. They may associate with those of the other sex without restraints save those imposed by decorum and good breeding.

A gentleman whose thoughts are not upon marriage should not pay too exclusive attentions to any one lady. He may call upon all and extend invitations to any or all to attend public places of amusement with him, or may act as their escort on occasions, and no one of the many has any right to feel herself injured. But as soon as he neglects all others to devote himself to a single lady he gives that lady reason to suppose he is particularly attracted to her, and there is danger of her feelings becoming engaged.

Neither should a young lady allow marked attentions from any one to whom she is not specially attracted, for two reasons: one, that she may not do an injury to the gentleman in seeming to give his suit encouragement, and the other, that she may not harm herself in keeping aloof from her those whom she might like better, but who will not approach her under the mistaken idea that her feelings are already interested. A young lady will on no account encourage the addresses of one whom she perceives to be seriously interested in her unless she feels it possible that in time she may be able to return his affections. The prerogative of proposing lies with man, but the prerogative of refusing lies with woman; and this prerogative a lady of tact and kind heart can and ​will exercise before her suitor is brought to the humiliation of a direct offer. She may let him see that she receives with equal favor attentions from others, and she may check in a kindly but firm manner too frequent visits to herself. She should try, while discouraging him as a lover, to still retain him as a friend.

A young man who has used sufficient delicacy and deliberation in the matter, and who, moreover, is capable of taking a hint when it is offered him, need hardly go to the length of a declaration when a refusal only awaits him.

It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous, for a gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady on too brief an acquaintance. He may be perfectly satisfied as to her merits, but how can he imagine himself so attractive as to suppose her equally satisfied on her part? A lady who would accept a gentleman at first sight can hardly possess the discretion needed to make her a good wife. Therefore, impatient and impassioned young man, nurse your ardor for a time unless you wish to ensure for yourself disappointment.

No doubt there is such a thing as love at first sight, but love alone is a very uncertain foundation upon which to base marriage. There should be thor​ough acquaintanceship and a certain knowledge of harmony of tastes and temperaments before matrimony is ventured upon.

It is impossible to lay down any strict rule as to the proper mode of courtship and proposal. A French authority will tell us that it is the business of the parents to settle all preliminaries. In England it is considered en regle for the young man to ask the consent of the parents to pay addresses to their daughter. In this country the matter is left almost entirely to the young people.

It seems most reasonable that courtship should precede engagement, and that circumstances must determine whether it lead to engagement. Thus, a man may begin seriously to court a girl, but may discover before any promise binds them to each other that they are entirely unsuited to one another, when he may with perfect propriety, and without serious injury to the lady, withdraw his attentions. But suppose he has already applied to and gained the consent of her parents to pay her his addresses. They have, no doubt, communicated the fact to their daughter, and they all consider him as under a partial engagement. How, then, when he comes to perceive that a marriage between them cannot fail to be unhappy and unfortunate, can he go to them and to her and say this and withdraw his suit with dignity and with ​the proper feeling on both sides? Of course such a proceeding is possible, but hardly probable, and is likely to produce much pain and embarrassment.

Certain authorities would insist that the leave of parents must always be obtained before the daughter is asked to give herself in marriage. While we would not insinuate that there is anything improper or wrong in such a course, still, we think, in this country, with our social customs, it is best not to be too strict in this regard. Each case has its own peculiar circumstances which must govern it, and it seems at least pardonable to us if the young man should prefer to know his fate directly from the lips of the most interested party before he submits himself to the cooler judgment and the critical observation of the father and mother, who are not by any means in love with him, and who may possibly regard him with a somewhat jealous eye as having already monopolized their daughter's affections and now desirous to steal her outright.

Parents should always be perfectly familiar with the character of their daughter's associates, and they should exercise their authority so far as not to permit her to form any improper acquaintances. In regulating the social relations of their daughter parents should bear in mind the possibility of her falling in love with any one with whom she may come in frequent contact. Therefore, if any gentleman of her acquaintance is ​particularly ineligible as a husband, he should be excluded as far as practicable from her society.

Parents, especially mothers, should also watch with a jealous care the tendencies of their daughter's affections; and if they see them turning toward unworthy or undesirable objects, influence of some sort should be brought to bear to counteract this. Open remonstrance and objection will not do it. It will in nine cases out of ten have a result the exact contrary of that desired. Great delicacy and tact are required to manage matters rightly. A more suitable person may, if available, be brought forward, in the hope of attracting the young girl's attention. The objectionable traits of the undesirable suitor should be made apparent to her without the act seeming to be intentional; and if all this fails, let change of scene and surroundings by travel or visiting accomplish the desired result. The latter course will generally do it if matters have not been allowed to progress too far and the young girl is not informed why she is temporarily banished from home.

Parents should always be able to tell from observation and instinct just how matters stand with their daughter; and if the suitor is an acceptable one and everything satisfactory, then the most scrupulous rules of etiquette will not object to their letting the young couple alone. If the lover chooses to propose directly to the lady and consult her father afterward, consider that he has a perfect right to do so. If her parents have sanctioned his visits and attentions by ​a silent consent, he has a right to believe that his addresses will be favorably received by them. If he has a scrupulous regard for old-fashioned notions of decorum and applies to the father first, accept his suit graciously, at the same time thanking him for his honorable conduct.

It is impossible to lay down any rules in regard to proposals of marriage. Modes are and should be as different as people. The best way certainly is to apply in person to the lady and receive the answer from her own lips. Failing in courage for that, one can resort to writing. A spoken declaration should be bold, manly and earnest. It should be, moreover, plain in its meaning, so there may be no misunderstanding. But as to the exact words there is no set formula, unless we accept those laid down in Dickens' novel of David Copperfield—"Barkis is willin."

Trollope says on this subject: "We are inclined to think that these matters are not always discussed by mortal lovers in the poetically passionate phraseology which is generally thought to be appropriate for this description. A man cannot well describe that which he has never seen or heard, but the absolute words and acts of one such scene did once come to the author's knowledge. The couple were by no means plebeian or below the proper standard of high bearing and high breeding; they were a hand​some pair, living among educated people, sufficiently given to mental pursuits, and in every way what a pair of polite lovers ought to be. The all-important conversation passed in this wise. The site of the passionate scene was the sea-shore, on which they were walking, in autumn.

"Gentleman.—'Well, miss, the long and the short of it is this: here I am; you can take me or leave me.'

"Lady (scratching a gutter on the sand with her parasol, so as to allow a little salt water to run out of one hole into another).—'Of course I know that's all nonsense.'

"Gentleman.—'Nonsense! By Jove, it isn't nonsense at all! Come, Jane, here I am; come, at any rate you can say something.'

"Lady.—'Yes, I suppose I can say something.'

"Gentleman.—'Well, which is it to be—take me or leave me?'

"Lady (very slowly, and with a voice perhaps hardly articulate, carrying on, at the same time, her engineering works on a wider scale).—'Well, I don't exactly want to leave you.'

"And so the matter was settled—settled with much propriety and satisfaction; and both the lady and gentleman would have thought, had they ever thought about the matter at all, that this, the sweetest moment of their lives, had been graced by all the poetry by which such moments ought to be hallowed."

​In novels of the old school the lover used to get down upon his knees. He is excused from doing that nowadays. Whatever his words or his position, let him evince a sincere and unselfish affection for the beloved, and try not only to act, but to feel, that her happiness must be considered before his own. With that view of the matter, how inconsiderate to press an unwelcome suit upon a young lady! If she has no affection for him, and does not conceive it possible ever to entertain any, it is a cruel thing to urge her to give her person without her love. The eager lover may believe for the time being that such possession would satisfy him, but the day would surely come when he would reproach his wife that she had no love for him, and he would possibly make that an excuse for all manner of unkindnesses.

It is not always necessary to take a lady's first "no" as absolute. Diffidence or uncertainty as to her own feelings may sometimes influence a lady to reply in the negative, and after-consideration cause her to regret that reply.

Though a gentleman may repeat his suit with propriety after having been once repulsed, still it should not be repeated too often or too long, lest it should degenerate into importuning. If a lady really has no love to give, in that case she will soon learn to despise the importunate suitor, and he thus loses the possibility of retaining her friendship.

​No lady worthy any gentleman's regard will say "no" twice to a suit which she intends ultimately to receive with favor. If she is in any doubt about her own mind, she will at least temper the second "no" with an intimation that if time was granted her for consideration she might possibly change her mind, or she will ask for time for consideration before a final answer is given. A lady should always be allowed all the time she requires before making up her mind; and if the gentleman grows impatient of the delay, he is always at liberty to insist on an immediate answer and abide by the consequences of his impatience.

A lady who really means "no" should be able to so say it as to make her meaning unmistakable. For her own sake and that of her suitor, if she really desires the suit ended, her denial should be positive and of a character to let no doubt remain of its being final. And this can be done in so kind and dignified a manner that she will retain her lover as her friend if his friendship is worth having.

A man should never make a declaration in a jesting manner. It is most unfair to the lady. He has no right to trifle with her feelings for mere sport, nor has he a right to hide his own meaning under the guise of jest. The chances are that he will be answered after the same manner in which he speaks. If the lady be designing or malicious, she may accept his intended jest in serious earnest, and thereby give him much trouble; or if she be of ​delicate sensibilities, she may accept his apparent jest as an actual one, and he may lose his suit accordingly.

Nothing can be more unfair or more unjustifiable than a doubtful answer given under the plea of sparing the suitor's feelings. It raises false hopes. It renders a man restless and unsettled. It may cause him to express himself or to shape his conduct in such a manner as he would not dream of doing were his suit utterly hopeless.

As a woman is not bound to accept the first offer that is made to her, so no sensible man will think the worse of her or feel himself personally injured by a refusal. That it will give him pain is most probable. If his heart does not suffer, his vanity is sure to do so. But he is sure in time to appreciate the fact that his feelings were not trifled with or his position made ridiculous, but that his advances were met in the earnest and candid spirit which had actuated him in coming forward.

Let young ladies always remember that, charming and fascinating as they may be, the man who proposes to them pays them a high compliment—the highest in his power. This merits appreciation and a generous return.

A scornful "no" or a simpering promise to "think about it" is the reverse of generous.

In refusing, the lady ought to convey her full sense of the honor intended her, and to add, seriously but not offensively, that it is not in accord​ance with her inclination, or that circumstances compel her to give an unfavorable answer.

It is only the contemptible flirt who keeps an honorable man in suspense for the purpose of glorifying herself by his attentions in the eyes of friends. Nor would any but a frivolous or vicious girl boast of the offer she had received and rejected. Such an offer is a privileged communication. The secret of it should be held sacred. No true lady will ever divulge to any one, unless it may be to her mother, the fact of such an offer. It is the severest breach of honor to do so. A lady who has once been guilty of boasting of an offer should never have a second opportunity for boasting.

No true-hearted woman can entertain any other feeling than that of commiseration for the man over whose happiness she has been compelled to throw a cloud, while the idea of triumphing in his distress or abusing his confidence must be inexpressibly painful to her.

The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. Etiquette demands that he shall accept the lady's decision as final and retire from the field. He has no right to demand the reason of her refusal. If she assign it, he is bound to respect her secret, if it is one, and to hold it inviolable.

To persist in urging his suit or to follow up the lady with marked attentions would be in the worst ​possible taste. The proper course is to withdraw as much as possible from the circles in which she moves, so that she may be spared reminiscences which cannot be other than painful.

Rejected suitors sometimes act as if they had received injuries they were bound to avenge, and so take every opportunity of annoying or slighting the helpless victims of their former attentions. Such conduct is cowardly and unmanly, to say nothing of its utter violation of good breeding.

When a gentleman is accepted by the lady of his choice, the next thing in order is to go at once to her parents for their approval. In presenting his suit to them he should remember that it is not from the sentimental but the practical side that they will regard the affair. Therefore, after describing the state of his affections in as calm a manner as possible, and perhaps hinting that their daughter is not indifferent to him, let him at once frankly, without waiting to be questioned, give an account of his pecuniary resources and his general prospects in life, in order that the parents may judge whether he can properly provide for a wife and possible family. A pertinent anecdote was recently going the rounds of the newspapers. A father asked a young man who had applied to him for his daughter's hand how much property he had. "None," he replied, but he was "chock full of days' work." The anecdote ​concluded by saying that he got the girl. And we believe all sensible fathers would sooner bestow their daughters upon industrious, energetic young men who are not afraid of days' work than upon idle loungers with a fortune at their command.

After the engagement is made between the couple and ratified by the parents, it is customary in polite society for the young man to affix the seal of this engagement by some present to his affianced. This present is usually a ring, and among the wealthy it may be of diamonds—a solitaire or cluster—and as expensive as the young man's means will justify. The ring is not necessarily a diamond one; it may be of other stones or it may be an heirloom in his family, precious more because of its associations, antiquity and quaintness than from its actual money-value.

All lovers cannot afford to present their lady-loves with diamond rings, but all are able to give them some little token of their regard which will be cherished for their sakes, and which will serve as a memento of a very happy past to the end of life. The engagement ring should be worn upon the ring finger of the right hand.

The conduct of the fiancé should be tender, assiduous and unobtrusive. If he is a man of tact he ​will pay especial attention to his future mother-in-law; he will be kind and polite to the sisters of his betrothed and friendly with her brothers. Yet he must not be in any way unduly familiar or force himself into family confidences on the ground that he is to be regarded as a member of the family. Let the advances come rather from them to him, and let him show a due appreciation of any confidences which they may be pleased to bestow upon him.

The engagement becoming a settled thing, the family of the young man should make the first advances toward an acquaintance with his future wife. They should call upon her or write to her, and they may with perfect propriety invite her to visit them in order that they may become acquainted.

An engaged woman should eschew all flirtations, though it does not follow that she is to cut herself off from all association with the other sex because she has chosen her future husband. She may still have friends and acquaintances, she may still receive visits and calls, but she must try to conduct herself in such a manner as to give no offence.

The same rules may be laid down in regard to the other party to the contract, only that he pays visits ​instead of receiving them. Neither should assume a masterful or jealous attitude toward the other. They are neither of them to be shut up away from the rest of the world, but must mingle in society after marriage nearly the same as before, and take the same delight in friendship. The fact that they have confessed their love to each other ought to be deemed a sufficient guarantee of faithfulness; for the rest let there be trust and confidence.

Nevertheless, a young man has no right to put a slight upon his future bride by appearing in public with other ladies while she remains neglected at home. He is in future her legitimate escort. He should attend no other lady when she needs his services; she should accept no other escort when he is at liberty to attend her.

It may be well to hint that a lady should not be too demonstrative of her affection during the days of her engagement. There is always the chance of a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip; and overt demonstrations of love are not pleasant to remember by a young lady if the man to whom they are given by any chance fails to become her husband.

An honorable man will never tempt his future bride to any such demonstration. He will always maintain a respectful and decorous demeanor toward her.

Among certain classes of society it is quite com​mon to allow peculiar latitude to an engaged couple. It is not many years since in the heart of Pennsylvania "bundling" was permitted. What "bundling" was it is not here necessary to describe. In the lower classes in New Jersey, and no doubt in many other localities, the young man who is paying his suit to a girl expects to be allowed to remain with her in a dimly-lighted or perhaps completely darkened room till nearly or quite daylight. In somewhat more civilized society it is thought perfectly proper for love-making to encroach somewhat upon the small hours, and even among people of culture and refinement it is considered necessary to leave the young courting or engaged couple entirely by themselves during the whole evening.

This is all a relic of the grossest barbarism. No young man who would shrink from being guilty of a great impropriety, and who would not risk sinking in the esteem of his beloved and her friends, should ever prolong his visits beyond ten o'clock, unless it be the common custom of the family to remain up and to entertain visitors to a later hour, and the visit paid is a family one and not a tête-à-tête. Two hours is quite long enough for a call; and the young man will give evidence of his affection no less than his consideration by making his visits short, and if need be making them often, rather than by prolonging them to unreasonable hours.

Very few young men comprehend the real pain and inconvenience they occasion to the lady of their ​choice when they keep her up to untoward hours, and subject her, in consequence, to the ridicule and censure of others.

It is not inappropriate to sometimes leave an engaged couple by themselves, but that they should always be so left, under all circumstances and no matter at what inconvenience to others, is as absurd as it is indelicate.

If the gentleman has means and the lady's parents do not object, he may with propriety make presents to his affianced. If there are any scruples on this point, he can at least present her flowers, music and periodicals or books, to which no one will take exception.

Neither party should ever try to make the other jealous for the purpose of testing his or her affection. Such a course is contemptible; and if the affections of the other are permanently lost by it, the offending party is only gaining his or her just deserts. Neither should there be provocation to little quarrels for the foolish delight of reconciliation.

No lover will assume a domineering attitude over his future wife. If he does so, she will do well to escape from his thrall before she becomes his wife in reality. A domineering lover will be certain to be still more domineering as a husband; and from all such the prayer of wise women is, "Good Lord, deliver us!"

Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engagement. Many circumstances will justify this. Indeed, anything which may occur or be discovered which shall promise to render the marriage an unsuitable or unhappy one is and should be accepted as justification for such a rupture. Still, breaking an engagement is always a serious and distressing thing, and ought not to be contemplated without absolute and just reasons.

Whichever is the acting party in the matter must necessarily feel his or her position one of great delicacy and embarrassment. The step must be taken firmly yet gently, and everything done to soften the blow to the other party.

It is generally best to break an engagement by letter. By this means one can express himself or herself more clearly, and give the true reasons for his or her course much better than in a personal interview. The letter breaking the engagement should be accompanied by everything in the way of portraits, letters or gifts which has been received during the engagement.

Such a letter should be acknowledged in a dignified manner, and no efforts should be made or measures be taken to change the decision of the writer unless it is manifest that he or she is greatly mistaken in his or her premises. A similar return of letters, portraits and gifts should be made.