What Women Should Know/Chapter 6
Courtship.—Having settled whom a young girl may and whom she may not marry, we come to the subject of courtship. It is the usual custom, when a young man is "paying attention" to a young woman, to think that when he calls they must invariably be left to themselves; that he is privileged to stay to an unreasonable hour at night; and that, if he deserts her after courtship is tolerably far advanced, he is doing her great injustice.
What Courtship should Imply.—Now, courtship, as it is termed, should imply nothing more than an opportunity for thorough acquaintanceship between the two parties.
Best Mode of Forming Acquaintanceship.—This acquaintanceship is best formed in every-day life, in the midst of friends and companions. A more thorough knowledge of one's character can be thus obtained than by years of "courtship," during which the parties are shut up in a dimly-lighted parlor, the young man and young woman both in their best apparel and on their best behavior. Such a course, however prolonged, will lead to no clearer knowledge of each other's characters than there was at the outset.
Advantages in Daily Association of the Sexes.—I wish that the two sexes could mingle on terms of more intimate relationship in schools and colleges and in places of employment, if for no other reason than that there might be opportunities for the formation of more judicious marriages. The divorce court would not have so much to do if such opportunities were more plentiful. I would have the young people who are mutually attracted meet each other in every-day places, in the common relations of life, where they are their natural selves. I would have the young man see his lady-love surrounded by her family, and if the thing were possible, I do not think it would come amiss for her to see him under like circumstances.
Evening Visits.—I do not object to evening visits, and to the young people seeing each other alone occasionally, but I would have the occasion seem accidental rather than forced. I would have them feel that they are liable to interruptions, and that they have no right to consider themselves injured by such interruptions.
Desirability of Employment during such Visits.—I would, moreover, have the young lady employed. She must be idle, indeed, if she have no plain sewing, no embroidery, no tatting, no knitting. to keep her fingers busy. Let her have something to do, if it is but the making of her own undergarments. It is only a false modesty that would forbid it. I have such a horror of idleness that if I had any idea that my suggestion would be heeded, I should propose that the visitor bring his knitting also. The next best thing is to bring a book or periodical, for, let the conversation of the young couple be ever so entertaining, it can scarcely be so profitable that a half hour or so of good reading will come amiss.
The "Woman who Dares."—I am not an admirer of the "woman who dares;" I think it is a man's part to seek, a woman's to be sought. I think, too, women would rue the day when the obligation of asking the important question was transferred to them. I believe, as a general rule, women have more delicacy in concealing the unsuccessful affairs of men than men would have in their places. I can recall a young man who once professed his belief that it was as proper and right for a woman to ask a man to marry her as for the man to do the asking. Acting on this avowed belief of his, a young woman did actually propose to him, and he refused, as of course he had a perfect right to do in the reversal of the circumstances. But that was not the end of it. Whenever this girl's name was mentioned, he told the fact of her proposal—not exactly boastfully, nor as something actually to her discredit, but with a motive which I can scarcely understand, still less describe, and of which he was probably unconscious himself. No woman would have been guilty of so gross an indiscretion.
A Woman's Opportunities in Courtship.—Besides, it is not true that women have not equal chances with men in the matrimonial fair. A woman certainly would not wish to seek where such seeking was undesired; and even the most modest woman knows how to express her slight preferences in a way sufficient to encourage any one who is in the least attracted to her. In fact, I have heard men assert that so great is the vanity of man a woman may marry whom she chooses by simply seeming to bestow her preference, if she does not do it in a way so bold and open as to create disgust.
Inconvenience of Men and Women being equally entitled to "Pop the Question."—This inconvenience is easily demonstrated. Suppose two young people are in love with each other. There is nothing to prevent their union except that the necessary words have not been spoken. If it was the man's duty alone to speak them, he would soon find the requisite courage, and the affair would be settled. But he waits, hoping that the woman will take the initiative. She in her turn cannot quite conquer her embarrassment, and trusts him to broach the subject. So time passes on without any progress being made, and at last they find themselves the one a disappointed old bachelor, the other an old maid, all because it was not definitely understood which was to ask and which to answer.
Manœuvres of Love.—If any one were to lay ⟨out⟩ the plan of a matrimonial campaign, with all its advancings and retreatings, its seeming boldness at one moment and its shyness at another, the whole thing would be pronounced absurd. But it is a campaign of nature's own planning, and has been practiced ever since the world began. Very likely Adam and Eve first played it in the garden of Eden before they became man and wife. Those few exceptional people who boast that they were guilty of no such foolishness in their days of courtship are to be pitied rather than admired, as they have missed the most exquisite happiness of life. The happiness of a fortunate marriage may be greater, but it is quieter and calmer and less ecstatic. And one who would enjoy all that life holds for him or her, and to which he or she is entitled in right of humanity, must feel both.
Late Hours.—One word in regard to the late hours which young men seem to consider themselves privileged to keep when they are paying their addresses to young women. I am sure if they knew the inconvenience and the real embarrassment resulting from their tardy evening departures, there would be a reformation in the matter. It is safe to say that not one girl in ten is pleased with these late visits. Young women have duties to perform during the day, and the keeping of such late hours seriously interferes with the proper discharge of them.
Embarrassment of the Young Lady at such Protracted Visits.—The young girl, when the hour of ten approaches, would be only too glad if her admirer would take his leave; and every minute after that hour is one of misery. Still, if she is sensitive as to hurting her visitor's feelings, she tries to be as entertaining as ever. Even when he at last rises to leave, she may faintly protest, not because she desires nis stay prolonged by any means, but as a kind of self-inflicted penance, conscious that she has been wishing for his departure so long. The next morning she makes her appearance at the breakfast-table, drowsy, miserable and self-conscious, knowing she will be an object of merriment to one portion of the family, and of black looks, if not of actual upbraiding, to the other. And she, poor girl! is not to blame. Perhaps she ought to tell her visitor plainly that his company is undesirable after a certain hour. But few girls have the moral courage to do this, and some young men would take mortal offence at it. It is certainly unjust to reprimand the girl. The best way would be for one of the parents to intimate to the young man himself, plainly yet kindly, their wishes in this matter, when, if he is a man of sense, and a desirable associate for their daughter, there will be no difficulty in future. It is better to come the oftener if he really craves so much the society of the lady whom he desires to make his wife. If she have a corresponding regard for him, she will be foolish enough to be always glad to see him, and take it as a compliment that he neglects others for her.
Undue Familiarity between the Sexes.—Much has been written concerning undue familiarity between the sexes, and there cannot be too urgent caution given to young girls on this matter. They should consider themselves sacred from the touch, even, of the other sex; and most young men who have a due regard for virtuous womanhood will respect this sacredness upon the merest intimation of such a desire upon the girl's part. Yet such is the laxity of society in this particular, that a young girl is frequently placed in a difficult position. Kisses are often freely proffered and freely accepted between the sexes, and the girl who refuses them is too often set down as a coquette or a prude. This refusal is in many cases considered as a mere challenge to take a kiss unasked. When this is the case, it is better to submit quietly and passively, than to keep up any prolonged resistance, but it is well, if possible, to make the giver feel that he has incurred displeasure.
A Woman's Kisses.—I would have a girl in no case give a kiss except to her betrothed, and to be chary of such caresses even to him. If a girl cannot refuse a kiss without placing herself in an awkward predicament (as for instance in games in which kisses are the forfeit), let her be entirely passive in the matter.
Responsibilities of Young Girls.—Now, all this is not for the sole purpose of preserving men's future wives for them pure and chaste, but to protect the purity of men themselves. Young girls do not know, but I sometimes think they ought to know, that the passions of men are much stronger and more easily inflamed than their own. A levity of behavior, thoughtlessly and—inasmuch as she does not know the consequences—innocently pursued by a young girl, has excited the passions of her male companion almost beyond his control, so that, though he has given no evidence of it in her presence, he may have gone from her side directly to the arms of a fallen woman. This is a difficult subject to discuss, and one through a false modesty seldom or never approached. But girls ought to be made aware of their responsibilities in this matter. Many a young girl would undoubtedly stand aghast if the ruin she may have thus wrought were brought home to her. So let young girls be very careful, and feel that they have not only their own moral safety, but that of their companions of the other sex, in their keeping.
Proper Degree of Familiarity between an Engaged Couple.—There is a difference of opinion in regard to the degree of familiarity which should exist between an engaged couple. I think, if the engagement is to be a short one, with scarcely a possibility of rupture, no harm can come of relaxing somewhat the discipline which is imposed on the nonengaged; especially as half the enjoyment of the betrothal comes from the privileges which are usually accorded to it—the tender hand-pressings, the freely-bestowed kisses and the half-yielded caresses.
Necessity of Caution.—But girls must be careful even here, both for their own safety and that of their affianced husbands. If these familiarities are allowed to drift into improprieties, there are some men who can never forgive them. This is the cruelest injustice of all. If a man has been guilty of persuading his affianced into improprieties, it ought to be the strongest reason for their marriage; whether she has been mutually carried away with him under the influence of passion, or whether she has yielded from loving him too much, he is equally bound to her, He has been at least equally guilty with her, and it is cruelty intensified to leave her to bear alone the heavy punishment which the world does not inflict upon him. It is not likely she will make the less true and faithful wife for this indiscretion. In the eyes of God she is his wife already, for God's laws were made before man's laws, and marriage consists in the exchange of vows of love and fidelity between a man and a woman, and a physical consummation of these vows. The legal form does not make the marriage, it only recognizes it. If there were no such thing as laws, marriage would exist all the same. Miss Muloch, now Mrs. Craik, one of the noblest and purest of English authoresses, recognizes the truth of what I say. She makes one of her heroines discard the man to whom she is engaged, upon learning that he has seduced a girl in humble station. She tells him that he is married to this girl in the eyes of God, and that she would be equally guilty with him if she were to become his wife. The man at first protests, but finally accepts the situation and marries his humble victim. But I repeat, let girls beware that they place themselves in no such equivocal position. Let their future husbands be ever so génerous and just, it is an act of which they will repent all their lives, and which they will feel no after excellence can ever quite atone for.
Behavior during Long Engagements.—If the engagement is to be a long one, the utmost circumspection of behavior is desirable; for long engagements are notoriously uncertain ones. And it cannot be a pleasant reflection for a young woman, after the rupture of an engagement from any cause whatever, that there exists a man who will never be her husband, but who has been allowed the privilege of familiarity with her person only less than that accorded to a husband.
Advantages of Short Engagements.—I believe it is better, when circumstances will permit, to make engagements short, and thus avoid all chances of temptation. An engagement should not be entered into without due deliberation, but when once contracted it ought to be considered as a prelude to early marriage.
Are Engagements Absolutely Binding?—I do not regard an engagement as absolutely binding. It ought to be considered as a kind of brief probation, during which either party can for good cause withdraw without blame. Marriage is irrevocable, but an engagement is not so. Should either party discover any reason why it ought to be ruptured, great injustice would be done the other to let it pass unmentioned. A bitter yet brief sorrow is better than a lifetime of unhappiness. I cannot imagine why any one should wish to force another into a bond which had become repugnant. Still, no one should break off an engagement until fully convinced that its continuance, ending in marriage, would result in lasting unhappiness to one or both of the parties.
Presents.—It is not uncommon for gentlemen to make presents to their lady friends, and often these presents are of the most heterogeneous character. A trifling present such as a bouquet of flowers, a book or a periodical may be proffered and received with perfect propriety. But any lady of delicacy will hesitate before she becomes indebted to her friends of the other sex for numerous or costly presents. In the first place, it is too great a tax upon a young man of moderate means; and in the second, it places the lady under embarrassing obligations. Even be. tween a betrothed couple presents should be few in number and trifling in value. If the engagement for any cause is broken off, it is very embarrassing to be obliged to return these gifts of affection, while it would be still more embarrassing to retain them.
The Marriage Day.—It has been wisely left for the woman to decide the exact day of her marriage. This day should be fixed by her at a date about equidistant between her monthly periods—say the tenth or twelfth day thereafter. The reason for this is that the consummation of marriage is frequently attended with inconvenience, and even physical prostration, and it is well that the newly-made wife should have time to recover from this before there is a probability of her being overtaken by new physical experiences. As at this period she is less liable to conceive than at any other, she will escape the inconveniences of pregnancy until her system has had time to recuperate. Besides, no woman lately passed from the condition, feelings, ideas, and perhaps prejudices, of girlhood, however much she may look forward to being a mother, but would prefer to be a wife alone for a short time at least, if it were only that she might give her friends no opportunity, on the birth of her first child, of counting off on their fingers the exact time which has elapsed since her marriage, and finding it "nine months to a day," or even a fraction less, as frequently happens in a first confinement.
Trousseaux.—It is no doubt commendable in a young bride to desire to become a pecuniary burden to her husband at as remote a period as possible. Still, rather than worry and flurry, and wear her strength and energies out during the few weeks previous to her marriage, when she ought to be keeping herself calm and her health undisturbed, it would be well to remember that the State of Matrimony is within the borders of civilization, and that there are still drygoods stores and dressmakers within the reach of those who have entered its limits.
Love at First Sight.—Sober, matter-of-fact people laugh at the idea of love at first sight; and it certainly seems absurd; for love is, after all, a matter of growth. Yet there are cases on record where the attraction has been so strong on the first interview as to lapse at once into earnest love, resulting in happy marriage. I do not feel, therefore, like declaring my utter disbelief in such a thing. I can now recall to mind the case of a man who, having for a number of years remained true to his early love for a girl who was forced by her parents to refuse him, passed through a room in which was a woman who impressed him so strongly and so favorably in the casual glance he gave her that he felt certain she was to be his wife. This feeling never forsook him. He was not convinced of its incorrectness, even when, after acquaintance, she refused him. The result was that he finally actually married her, and after many years of married life his love was as strong as ever, and he professed himself a firm believer in the theory of love at first sight.
Love at First Sight not always a Serious or Lasting Impression.—However, I should not advise my readers, especially the younger portion of them, to trust too implicitly to this impulse. It is apt to disappear as quickly as it comes, if no fuel be added to its flame. It would be well to try it by time, and to apply the various other tests which are proper in affairs of love and marriage, before taking an irrevocable step.
Hasty Marriages.—I certainly am no advocate of hasty marriages. In such cases it is almost invariably "marry in haste and repent at leisure."
Advertising, or answering Advertisements asking for Acquaintanceship of the other Sex.—No young girl of any modesty or decency will attempt to form the acquaintance of a person of the other sex through the medium of the advertising columns of a public newspaper. There is every opportunity for deception, and the girl who thus violates propriety offers herself a ready victim to deceit. Such a thing is not allowable even in the way of jest. A man may be already so bad that nothing can make him worse; but a woman cannot engage in such doubtful games without injury to her delicacy and morality.
Marriage by Advertisement.—As for marriages by advertisement and correspondence without previous personal acquaintance, I have no words sufficiently strong with which to condemn them. They are immodest and indiscreet on the woman's part; they are rash if not dishonest on the man's, for it is so easy for a rogue or profligate to conceal his real character in such a veiled courtship. I have had one or two such marriages come to my knowledge, and most unhappy ones they were. Separation and application to the divorce court are their usual results.
Avoid Secresy.—No secresy should be tolerated in love affairs. Of course I do not allude to that harmless secresy which may be observed concerning the exact progress of the love affairs of a young couple who imagine that because they tell nothing all the world is blind. A man and woman may not care to announce the exact day of their engagement, thinking that the fact concerns themselves alone; but they should feel no need of blushing and denying it should the world become cognizant of it. When there seems to be such need, there must be something radically wrong. An honest love is a bold love which has no cause to be ashamed, and an honest marriage may be proclaimed before all the world.
Consent of Parents.—It is always best and wisest to obtain the consent of parents in love affairs. But if the parties have reached the age of discretion, they are themselves the best judges as to what concerns their own happiness. So that, even if consent is withheld, a couple cannot be considered utterly blamable who, after waiting a suitable period in order that objections may be withdrawn, still proceed to marriage. Fortunately, the days of the "stern parent" have passed away with the old school of romance, and parents are not apt to raise objections unreasonably. Therefore it is well to give them due consideration, and allow time to prove whether they are well or ill founded. It is perfectly proper for parents to attempt to prevent their young daughter from marrying at too early an age, and she is guilty of gross misdemeanor if she does not respect their wishes.
"Platonic Friendships."—In a chapter devoted to "courtship and engagement” the discussion of this subject may seem out of place. But I must say a few words, and I know of no other portion of my book where it will fit in more appropriately. All young girls are firm believers in the possibility of "Platonic friendships." Even as friendship after friendship of this sort proves illusive, they still cling to the idea and its possible realization. I do not know what young men's opinions on the subject are, for I never heard them expressed; but I do know that these "friends" have a most inconvenient way of turning out to be lovers in disguise, and striking consternation to the hearts of their young lady acquaintances. Still, woman as I am, advanced to middle life, I plead guilty to cherishing the ideal and believing its realization possible; for it is too beautiful not to be true. But girls had best be on their guard; for the innocent acts of what they consider a free and unreserved friendship may be set down against them as deliberate coquetries. I will give a page from my own experience which may serve the double purpose of amusement and instruction.
A young lady friend and myself, in our younger days, were discussing this very subject, expressing our beliefs in the possibilities of such a friendship, and mourning the perversity of young men who did not seem, judging from their acts, to coincide with us. We were, however, so we declared, each in the possession of one tried and true friend, who could be safely trusted to abstain from all sentiment and lovemaking. I had kept up an unremitting correspondence with mine for two years, more or less, and his letters were always such as I might safely and unhesitatingly show to the world. My friend also maintained her intercourse with her acquaintance by means of letters, which were equally free from anything objectionable, as we considered sentiment. We were both a little suspicious of each other's "friend,” but quite sure of our own. Finally we made a compact, in order each to fully convince the other, that the next letters that arrived from these parties should be handed unopened for a first reading to the lady for whom they were not intended.
My letter came first, and, true to my promise, I handed it to my friend, while I busied myself with other missives which reached me by the same mail. I noticed that she seemed very much amused in its reading; but I did not think much about it, as my correspondent was an odd genius in his way, and sometimes wrote singular though perfectly proper letters. When she had finished, she handed it to me without a word. What was my amazement to find that the opening paragraph contained a declaration, and there were four foolscap pages of sentiment, which my lady friend had read through to the very last word! I wrote him but one more letter after that, in which I intimated plainly but kindly that I thought it best to close the correspondence.
But my friend's turn was to come. She came to me one morning with an open letter in her hand, saying that she had not been quite true to her promise in giving me a first reading. But as she had received the letter the night before, she thought I would not insist upon her waiting until she saw me before it was opened. I took the open sheet and glanced at it, and found that it, too, commenced with a declaration; but the letter ended abruptly in the middle of the page and in the midst of a sentence. The young man had evidently made more than one attempt at letter-writing before he had succeeded to his satisfaction, and then, in his perturbation of mind, had folded and mailed the wrong sheet! The proper letter came a mail or two after. It is needless to say that on the subject of "Platonic friendships" we were both silenced if not convinced.