What Women Should Know/Chapter 5

Nubility.—Nubility is that condition in the life of men and women when, their physical frames having become perfected, their characters formed and their minds somewhat matured, they may with propriety contemplate marriage.

Proper Age for Marriage.—This condition, it seems to me, is reached at an age varying, in individuals and according to temperament, from twenty-three to twenty-eight in men, and from twenty to twenty-five in women. Neither man nor woman ought, save in exceptional cases, to think of marrying earlier.

Here, however, I may confess to privately holding somewhat irreconcilable theories regarding the proper time of marriage for the two sexes. I would have men marry early, women late. But—and here it is that I do not find my theories to work well together—I would not have a man marry a woman older than himself.

Women, I hold, do not, before their twenty-fifth year, reach their full physical completeness and capacity for endurance. Not till then may they be ​truly called women. Then, if they are ever to do so, they will have attained that mental poise befitting the matron, and that moral consciousness which enables them to take a proper view of their responsibilities.

Men, as I have said, I would have marry early—say at twenty-three. And why? Simply because men, while they insist upon unsuspicioned chastity in those whom they marry, rarely, except it may be in the very spring of their manhood, bring to their innocent brides the sweet offering of a virtuous past. I would have no pure woman wedded to a man who was not wholly and perfectly manly—that is, virtuous. I claim it to be her right and her duty to exact, from one who is to be her husband, that purity which he most assuredly will, and, if he himself be pure, may very properly, exact from her.

On this subject of chastity in man—a subject which relates directly to the proper time for their marriage—the learned and philosophic Hufeland, one of the most eminent German physicians of the last generation, says with much force: "At present we hear a great deal about strength and strong men; but I will believe nothing of it as long as I see that they have not strength enough to subdue their passions; for that is the only cause of triumph as well as the only sign of mental strength and chastity is the school in which youth ought to be exercised to form themselves for becoming strong men."

Were men sufficiently strong to pass through this school with all the honors, then I would not have ​them marry early, and it would be easy for me to reconcile my theories. A fully-developed man of twenty-eight might marry an equally fully-developed woman of twenty-five. Neither would marry at an age one could call too early, while the union thus formed would almost certainly prove a permanent and happy one.

Evil Effects upon Women of Too Early Marriage.—A wife too young soon loses health and strength and sinks into a premature grave, or drags out a miserable existence, the worn, weary and disheartened mother of too large a family. Or, on the other hand, her too early marriage may result in sterility.

Evil Effects upon Men.—Nor are the results of too early marriage less disastrous for men. They are prematurely burdened with constantly-increasing family cares. They are liable to lose heart and hope. Health, nay, even life itself, is endangered; consumption being in far too many instances brought on by premature participation in the sensual pleasures of wedlock.

Relative Ages of Husband and Wife.—In ordinary cases a man should not be less than three nor more than seven years older than his wife. Circumstances may sometimes justify a slight deviation from this rule. To ensure in marriage the best chances of happiness, there should be that similarity of tastes and interests which, as a general thing, can only result from equality in age.

​A Woman Older than Man at the Same Age.—A woman, it must be remembered here, is three years older than a man of the same actual age as herself. From the cradle to the grave a woman lives in six years what a man lives in seven. Thus, a girl of six and a boy of seven are equally advanced physically and mentally, and should be set down as of equal years. A girl reaches her full physical development at least two years sooner than a boy. In fact, a girl of fifteen is generally more nearly a woman than a boy of seventeen is a man. The woman of twenty-five is the physical and mental equal of a man of twenty-eight; and a man of seventy, if he has not been prodigal of his health, usually retains as much strength and vigor as a woman of sixty. Thus it will be seen, in order that they may be equally matched in physical and mental attainments, a woman's actual age should number a few years the less.

Disadvantages of Superior Age in the Wife.—If the wife's age is the greatest at the outset, she starts at a disadvantage. As the years roll on this disadvantage is constantly increased, not only in the ordinary course of nature, which decrees that women shall live faster than men, but by family cares which usually add materially to a woman's age, whether they ought to or not; until some day she is aroused to the fact that she is an old woman, while her husband is still comparatively a young man.

Disadvantages of Too Great Superiority of Age in the Husband.—The marriage of a young ​girl with a man of middle age seems to me most inadvisable. There are moral objections to such a match, inasmuch as the girl brings all her purity and youth to the arms of one who, if he be not an exceptional individual, is already jaded and worn with dissipation. She barters the pure gold of her affections and her chastity for dross. There is still another reason for objecting to such a marriage. I have seen such anions and noted the result. A middle-aged man can never remember that his wife is still in her youth, and entitled to all the pleasures and considerations which properly belong to that period of life. He feels, rather than reasons, that a suitable wife for him should evince the dignity and demureness of demanor and dress which come naturally to a middle-aged woman. So he suppresses the youthful impulses and desires. And we shortly have the spectacle of a young woman feeling and acting as though she had already reached middle life. Then afterward, as years roll on, and she becomes truly the middle-aged matron, she has become, also, in everything but actual physical appearance, an old woman. She may not herself be conscious of the fact; but she has been cheated out of just as many years as there is difference between her own and her husband's age—the best years of her life, too.

Marriage of the Old With the Young.—It seems as though it ought to be unnecessary to mention the abhorrence with which all right-minded people should regard the marriage of the young of either ​sex with the old of the other. There is something utterly repugnant to good morality and good taste in such an union. It can certainly never be brought about through motives of mutual affection. And the young girl who would enter into the bonds of marriage through mercenary motives is worse, if possible, than the prostitute. The latter debases herself alone; the former not only debases herself, but degrades the ordinance of marriage. In marriages of convenience between those of similar ages, there is still the possibility that assimilation of tastes and feelings may take place between them, ripening into a true affection, so that, after all, they shall become married in heart as well as in outward bond. But in the case of the marriage of the young with the old there is no possibility of this final result, for there can never be any harmony of tastes, any unison of ideas, any oneness of purpose, all which go to constitute marriage, between them.

Ought Pecuniary Considerations to have any Weight in Determining a Choice in Marriage?—The question here arises, How far is a young woman justified in considering the pecuniary circumstances of her future husband? I am not one of those who believe that in love affairs pecuniary matters ought to be entirely ignored. I never could understand why it is regarded as commendable in a man to desire money, and seek to obtain it in all honorable ways, and seemingly to shape all the ends and aims of life to that purpose, while, on the other ​hand, it is considered so reprehensible for a woman in the most important event of her life—the one event which decides all her after comfort and happiness—to give one thought to the pecuniary view of the matter. The needs of the two sexes which money can supply are so nearly identical, that I cannot see why money is not just as important and as necessary to one as to the other. I know the want of it is quite as severely felt by a woman as by a man. In certain crises of her life its absence entails more suffering upon her than a man can possibly feel.

A Prudent and Industrious Man.—A young man when he arrives at a marriageable age, if he has been industrious and prudent, ought not to be penniless. He ought, without being guilty of parsimony, to have accumulated sufficient savings to give him a fair start in life; and if he has not done so, it is probably because he has been idle, extravagant or dissipated, in which case he does not present the qualifications necessary in a good husband.

The "Generous Fellow."—The generous fellow who spends with a lavish hand wherever he goes, and who is always ready either to lend or borrow, makes a fine figure in society, and is usually exceedingly popular with people of both sexes and all ages. But I know of no one worse calculated to fulfill the duties and obligations of a husband. His wife and family will find to their sorrow that it is they who must suffer for his generosity, and that, while he is lavish abroad, they must be pinched at home.

​Good Habits more Desirable than Wealth.—I certainly do not regard riches as undesirable in making a matrimonial connection, but I consider of far more importance those habits which lead to a reasonable and honorable accumulation of property. Riches may take wings and fly away, but habits once thoroughly established never forsake one.

The "Reformed Rake."—We are often told that "a reformed rake makes the best husband," and many really believe this. But if there were no other objection to this theory, there is the important one that it is difficult to tell when a rake is really reformed. What passes for reformation may be only a temporary satiety or physical exhaustion. A man given to dissipation at one period of his life is rarely perfectly free from the liability to relapses. Indeed, I would sooner look for an abandoned woman, the same chances being given her that are extended to a man under like circumstances, to arrive at a thorough and permanent reformation and make a faithful and desirable wife, than I would for a male profligate to become a reformed man and a good husband. She who, confiding in the truth of the adage I have quoted above, gives her hand to such a man, may live to shed bitter tears over her folly.

Physical Objection to Marriage with a Profligate.—Then there is a physical reason why the mating of the pure with the impure should never take place. A young man who has led a wild, dissipated life may have contracted the worst and most ​loathsome of diseases. This disease may be in abeyance at the time of his marriage, but it is liable at any time to show itself, and his wife is almost certain of contracting it by contagion. If she escape, it is able to assume an active form in his children, and scrofula, consumption and other dreadful diseases may result from it. We have the testimony of physicians that it is not infrequent that women apply to them for remedies for complaints in themselves and their children the character of which the women themselves have no suspicion of, but which are at once recognized as belonging to a class at once terrible and ineradicable. Yet this fearful punishment they must bear for the double sin of placing a light estimate upon masculine virtue and too trifling a value upon their own chastity. This is a grievous sin indeed; but society, by constantly preaching that "a man may do with impunity what a woman cannot," does not teach young girls that it is a sin. A man cannot do wrong with impunity, nor can a woman forgive him with impunity, as we may daily see. The sin is certain to react upon him in some manner, and her forgiveness—a forgiveness which places a trifling estimate upon the offence—will be repented of long and bitterly.

Moral Objection to Marriage with a Profligate.—There is a moral objection to such unions. A young girl under the influence of love may think she can overlook or forgive the antenuptial sins of her husband, so that he be true to her in future. (I ​heard a prospective wife say this very thing once; and when, after she had been married some years, I heard she had to share her husband's affections and his means with his mistress, I had not one particle of pity or sympathy for her.) But if the elements of a pure and noble womanhood exist in her character, a time will surely come when she will bitterly regret that she cannot look back upon her husband's past as irreproachable; that she cannot reverence him as being and having been in all things her ideal of perfect manhood; that she cannot hold him up to her children as a model for imitation. To her children even more than to herself does a woman owe that her husband and their father should be pure and without physical or moral blemish.

Chastity to be equally Desired in both Sexes.—A man demands absolute chastity in a wife, and a woman should be no less strict in her demands. If she is not, it is a sure sign that there is a flaw somewhere in her own moral character, and that it is not virtue she prizes for virtue's self, but rather for the estimate the world puts upon it. If she barters her own purity for impurity, she places no value upon that purity, and commits a crime against herself and against morality in general.

Common Objection to such Scrupulousness in Women.—"But if women were thus particular, they would very few of them get married." Possibly some of the present generation would have to go husbandless; but we have the testimony of myriads ​of unhappy wives that a bad husband is far worse than none. But marriage is a necessity as much with men as with women, and they only take their present license because it is allowed them. The mass of young men would soon raise themselves to the required standard of excellence if they were certain that only by so doing could they find wives among good and worthy girls. Besides, it were better to remain unmarried than that good should mate with evil. The white can never make the black clean, while the black, brought into close contact with the white, is almost sure to contaminate it. A good woman married to a bad man will have a hard struggle with herself if she does not deteriorate, and sink somewhat nearer her husband's level.

Perfect Happiness in Marriage.—I can imagine no greater happiness—the very crown of marriage—than when chastity is united with chastity in its bonds. I do not speak of its physical aspects, though, where there is no semi-satiety with sensual pleasures to mate with virginity, certainly much might be said. But what can so perfect and consummate marriage and strengthen its bonds, as the certain assurance that each belongs wholly to the other, and that there is no one in the world who has a prior claim?

A Wife to be Envied.—A woman who possesses this assurance would not barter it for any other advantage in the world. She looks down from supreme heights of happiness in pity, and perhaps even contempt, upon those wives who are not thus fortunate ​A husband's ante-nuptial purity is as dear to the wife as is the wife's to the husband, only those who have not found it do not realize what they have lost.

A Wife to be Contemned.—But if the wife who is secure in the integrity of her husband's moral character is so much to be envied, and the woman who has for her husband a "reformed rake" to be pitied, with what feelings shall we regard the wife who, after marriage, seems to consider her husband's ante-nuptial amours something of which to boast? A husband who would make confession of such sins to his wife, in any other spirit than that of the humblest contrition, must be a man who holds womanhood and wifehood in slight honor. And the wife who could hear a boastful confession with patience, and relate it afterward with pride, as something redounding to her husband's honor and credit, must be lost to all sense of decency.

How is a Young Woman to decide between the Profligate and the Virtuous of the other Sex?—If a young man is notoriously "fast," a girl cannot well shut her eyes to the fact. Even the characters of those who are only moderately given to dissipation she can easily learn from her father or brothers, or from her married lady friends.

Intuitions.—But there is a safer guide even than depending upon others for information. A girl will find this guide in her own instincts. If she possesses delicacy and purity of feeling, she will intuitively know a young man's exact moral status as soon as ​she forms his acquaintance. She may not be able to tell how she knows this, but the knowledge is hers, nevertheless, and it is well if she makes a proper use of it.

Rule for Deciding a Man's Moral Character.—There is a rule which I have for years found almost certain in its workings. When I see a young man (or an old one, either) particularly scrupulous in regard to the deportment of women; seeing evil in people and things when no evil was intended; objecting to innocent phrases because an evil imagination might discover a bad meaning in them; overscrupulous in his own demeanor (in public) toward the women of his own station with whom he associates; the exact reverse of this toward those of the other sex, whatever the purity of their lives, whom he considers beneath him; in fact, dyed to the very heart's core with the spirit of prurient prudery (thanks to Charles Reade for this telling phrase!); I know just exactly where to place him. Generally a single one of these evidences is enough to establish his character in my mind. He either is or has been a profligate. It is the vicious who so readily descry the appearance of evil where the innocent are blind. I have known such men, and I always like to keep them at a distance. A husband of this character will prescribe the broadest latitude for himself, while the most innocent acts of his wife will be continually regarded with jealousy and suspicion.

The Reformed Drunkard.—Few girls, it is to ​be hoped, are so lost to all sense of moral obligations as knowingly to enter into marriage with a confirmed drunkard. There are many, doubtless, who marry drinking men hoping to effect their reformation; but such reformation is rarely effected; and when it is accomplished, it is usually at the price of years of suffering such as no man has a right to impose upon a woman, or a woman upon herself. There may be something heroic in a young woman deliberately sacrificing herself for the redemption of her husband, but it is far from being commendable. First, her efforts will probably be all in vain, and she will have made a deliberate sacrifice of her life for no purpose whatever. And then there are her children. No woman has a right to give to her children a drunkard for a father. There is the twofold evil of their suffering by inheritance of his propensities and resulting infirmities, and the unhappiness and mortification which must always be theirs with such a father.

Reformation Necessary before Marriage.—The man who has not the necessary will and strength of purpose to reform his dissipated habits before he asks a good woman to be his wife is not likely to reform afterward, nor is he worthy of such a wife. A woman accepting such a man, under the most favorable circumstances, even, will pay a sufficient penalty for her daring, in the dreadful apprehension which will always haunt her lest he return to his evil courses.

The Moderate Drinker.—I think, however, I ​should prefer to see a girl wedded to a reformed drunkard rather than to a moderate drinker. The one, having reached the bottom of the hill, is making an earnest effort, which with a good woman's help may be a successful one, to regain the top. The other is going blindly, carelessly, yet surely, the downward course, and no voice can arouse him to a sense of his danger until it is too late for him to attempt to turn back with any certainty of success. Moderate drinking will sap the foundations of a home, rob it of its means, destroy its happiness and entail sorrow and disease and perverted appetites upon children almost as surely as drunkenness.

Proper Mating of Taste and Intellect.—In selecting a companion in marriage, if the highest happiness is to be obtained, the tastes should harmonize and intellectual endowments reach as nearly as possible the same standpoint.

Religion.—In matters of religion, too, it is well that there should not be too great a difference of opinion and feeling.

Temperament.—In temperament it is better that there be a decided contrast, both for their own and their children's sakes. Thus a cool, deliberate disposition will be a constant check upon a quick and passionate one; an active and energetic character will incite to exertion one who is slow or inclined to indolence.

Traits of Character.—Impulsiveness should be mated by deliberation; extravagance by prudence, ​and so on. If like mates with like, the predominant trait is almost certain to be transmitted intensified to the children, and even a good trait of character or disposition may become a bad one if carried to excess.

Have those in Ill-health a Right to Marry?—It is a mooted question whether those in ill-health have a right to marry, and thus run the risk of entailing their diseases upon their children. Those who are afflicted with diseases which are likely to prove hereditary, such as scrofula or consumption, had certainly best remain unmarried. But there is one fact in favor of the marriage of those in ill-health—marriage is itself a great curative, and those who, previous to entering its bonds, are feeble and sickly, frequently undergo great physical improvement afterward.

Children do not Necessarily Inherit Ill-health from Parents.—The maladies of parents .are not necessarily repeated in their children, if the proper precautions are observed to guard against them. The children are probably more liable to these maladies than to others, but with care they need never be developed. It is one of the characteristics of nature to resist disease; and if she is properly aided, it may be finally overcome.

Women should not Marry Confirmed Invalids.—Still, I would not advise a woman to marry a man the state of whose health promised her a precarious livelihood. She cannot, in justice to herself and her probable family, undertake to be housekeeper and provider both. Many women, when the situation ​is forced upon them, do this, and do it nobly and well, and to such I give all honor. But I have only pity and blame to bestow upon one who deliberately takes such a responsibility upon herself in her marriage.

A Wife should not be Regarded in the Light of a Nurse.—Again, there is nothing that so exasperates me as to hear some one say of a man in ill-health: "He ought to get married; he needs a wife to take care of and nurse him." Every woman has a right to a husband in the full possession of health and his physical and mental powers; and in the state of marriage she finds duties enough to occupy her time and make a sufficient draft upon her strength and endurance, without being burdened with an invalid. If such a duty devolves upon her after marriage, let her fulfill it patiently and scrupulously; but no young girl is justified in accepting in marriage such a care. If an invalid stands in need of a nurse, let him hire one and pay her wages, not expecting her to assume, in addition to these duties, those of maternity. Or, if he shrinks from hired attendance, let him look to his mother—who it is more than half likely is responsible for his invalidism by a false mode of training during childhood—for the nursing and sympathy he needs.

An Invalid Wife.—A man with an invalid wife is sincerely an object of pity, if her health has failed her since her marriage. If she was a confirmed invalid at the time of marriage, or even gave promise of being so, they are both to blame; he for taking ​such a burden upon himself, and she for consenting that he should do it. The man will naturally tire of being tied to a sickly and no doubt fretful life-companion; she will suffer from real or fancied neglect, and perhaps have jealousy added to her wretched feelings. She is liable, if she have a family, to leave them early motherless; and there is no sadder sight—there is no more helpless object—than a man surrounded by a brood of little ones with no wife to help him in the care of them. It is no wonder that men in such a predicament hasten to take second wives, finding perhaps to their sorrow, when it is too late to repent, that they have made a jump out of the frying-pan into the fire.

Second Marriages.—This leads me directly to the subject of second marriages, though I had not purposed to touch upon them. I do not object upon principle, to second marriages, but I believe they ought to be entered into with more deliberation and forethought than they usually are. In first marriages the parties have only themselves and their own happiness to consult. A widow and a widower, if they have children, have no right to contemplate a second matrimonial engagement without considering the interests of these children. Children have rights in this respect. They have a right to a home beneath their father's or mother's roof; and the parent who sets them adrift at the instigation of a second marriage partner forfeits all claim to filial regard. Again, children have a right to be happy in their home, and ​no parent is justified in introducing a member into the family circle who, by being distasteful to the inmates already there, mars that happiness. I know it is generally conceded by writers on the subject that men and women have a right to consult their own happiness in the matter of their second husbands and wives, and. that it is the duty of children to submit and be resigned. Yet it is the happiness of children, not as judged by the interested parties, but decided by themselves, that should be first considered in case of a contemplated second marriage. In brief, a man or woman having children should never marry a second time without asking and obtaining the consent of these children. If this is withheld, no matter with what apparent unreason, so long as the children, in right of their youth, have a home beneath the parental roof, the marriage should never take place. Children are sometimes justified in marrying without the consent of parents, because the real happiness of parents is not involved in the matter except relatively through their children. But on the other hand, a second marriage, so long as the children remain at home, is, to say the least, quite as important to them as it is to the parties contracting it.