Toad of Toad Hall/Act 4, Scene 3
Scene 3
THE BANQUETING ROOM IN TOAD HALL
Scene. The banqueting room, a magnificent apartment in Toad Hall. It being the CHIEF WEASEL'S birthday, a banquet is in progress. The hero of the occasion, a laurel wreath on his brow, sits at the head of the main table, his admirers round him. Pressed for a few more words, he rises.
CHIEF WEASEL
Friends and Fellow Animals. Before we part this evening I have one final toast to propose. (Hear, hear!) It is a toast which on all occasions has something of solemnity in it, something even of sadness, but never more so than on this occasion. Absent Friends. (Hear, hear!) Absent Friends. With this toast I couple first the name of our kind host, Mr. Toad. (Loud laughter) Although unable to be present himself tonight (Laughter) owing to a previous engagement (Laughter) Mr. Toad has generously put his entire establishment at our disposal for as long as we like to make use of it. (Loud laughter) We all know Toad—(Hear, hear!) good Toad, wise Toad, modest Toad. (Laughter) It is a personal sorrow to every one of us that he is not amongst us tonight. Let me sing you a little song which I have composed on this subject. (Hear, hear!)
Gaily down the road.
They put him in prison for twenty years:
Poor old Toad!
A most refined abode.
They put him in prison for twenty years:
Poor old Toad!
All carefully bestowed.
They put him in prison for twenty years:
Poor old Toad!
CHIEF WEASEL
Chorus, please
Poor old Toad!
They put him in prison for twenty years:
Poor old Toad!
(Loud applause)
CHIEF WEASEL
But while we are thinking of our good host, Mr. Toad, we must not forget our other absent friends, Mr. Badger, Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole. (Laughter) it is a particular sorrow to me that they are not with us tonight, living as they do, unlike Mr. Toad, so very conveniently in the neighborhood. From time to time, indeed, of late, we have caught glimpses of them, behind hedges. (Laughter) We have seen their back views (Laughter) in the distance (Laughter) running away. (Laughter) We know that they cannot plead absence from the country as an excuse for their absence from our board, so that the only reason for it must be excessive shyness. (Laughter) Modesty. (Laughter) All the more do we regret that they did not see fit to join us. Fellow animals, I give you the toast, Absent Friends!
ALL (rising and drinking)
Absent Friends!
A DEEP VOICE OUTSIDE
Absent Friends!
ALL (to each other)
What's that? . . . What is it? . . . I didn't hear anything. . . . Nonsense. . . .
(The door opens. BADGER and MOLE rush in.)
BADGER (his war-cry)
Up the Badger!
MOLE (his)
A Mole! A Mole!
BADGER (wielding his cudgel)
Lay on to 'em, boys.
Sorry we're late, Weasel (Biff!) but many thanks all the same (Biff!) for the kind invitation (Biff!)
CHIEF WEASEL
The other door. Quick!
(The other door opens, and TOAD and RAT charge in.)
TOAD (terribly)
I've come home, Weasel. (He makes for him.) How are you? (Bang!) Toad he went a-pleasuring, did he! (Bang!) I'll pleasure you! (Bang!)
THE ENEMY (variously)
Help! . . . Mercy! . . . All right, all right! . . . I say, shut up!
BADGER
Wallop 'em, boys. Keep walloping!
(Some of the enemy are showing fight, some are escaping through the doors and windows, some are begging for mercy with uplifted paws.)
RAT (to one of the weaker brethren)
Surrender, do you? All right. Get in that corner there.
(There is a small rush for "that corner there.")
MOLE (seeking whom he can devour)
A Mole! A Mole! (To an unhappy Stoat) Hallo, were you looking for anything? (Biff!) Just wanted to say good-bye? (Biff!) Good-bye! (Biff!) Sorry you can't stop. (He biffs him out of the door.)
TOAD (to a terrified Ferret)
Good evening! Do you sing at all?
FERRET
N-no, sir, please, sir.
TOAD
Not just a little song?
FERRET
N-no, sir. I—I never l-learnt singing.
TOAD (swinging his club)
Not just a funny little song about a poor old Toad?
FERRET (with an effort)
N-no, sir.
TOAD (ingratiatingly)
Try.
FERRET (foolishly—in a high squeaky voice)
Poor old Toad!
TOAD (furiously)
I'll learn you to sing!
(With a squeal the FERRET scurries into RAT'S corner.)
All prisoners here, Toad. I'm looking after them. (He walks up and down in front of them, pistol in hand.)
BADGER (walloping the last of the others out of the window)
There! That's the lot! (He wipes his brow.) A pity. I was just beginning to enjoy it. What about your little party, Rat?
RAT
They've surrendered. I thought they might come in useful, waiting on us and so on.
BADGER
If any of 'em wants to go on for a bit longer . . .
CHORUS
No, sir, please, sir.
BADGER
Ah! (He looks round the room. TOAD is conducting an imaginary battle with a particularly stubborn adversary.)
TOAD (getting his blow in)
Aha! (Dodging an imaginary one) That's no good. (Getting another in) More like that!
BADGER
Hallo! (TOAD, recalled to himself, breaks off the engagement rather sheepishly.) Now then, Toad, stir your stumps, and look lively. I want some grub, I do. We've got your house back for you, and you don't offer us so much as a sandwich.
RAT
Just a moment, Badger. What about the sentries?
BADGER
Sentries, yes.
RAT
They may be still at their posts.
TOAD
Sentries, pooh! They've run away far enough by now, haven't they, Mole?
MOLE
If they're wise they have.
RAT
I think it would be safer if Mole and I just . . .
BADGER
Sensible Rat. There spoke the voice of wisdom. (Picking up his cudgel) You and I and Mole—
RAT
Don't you bother, Badger. Mole and I—
BADGER (grimly)
When I go walloping I go walloping.
So do I. Come on, I'll lead the way.
BADGER
You will do nothing of the sort, Toad. You've asked us to stay to supper and we're staying to supper. Well, where is the supper? If this isn't your house, say so, and Mole can entertain us.
RAT (indicating the prisoners)
They'll help you get it ready, Toady.
TOAD (reluctantly)
Oh, all right.
MOLE (to TOAD, as the others go out)
Don't forget the wine, Toad. We shall want to drink your health, and you'll have to make a speech.
TOAD (cheering up)
Oh, right, right. That's all right, leave that to me.
(MOLE goes out. TOAD is left with the now penitent prisoners, about eight of the smaller Stoats and Ferrets.)
TOAD (to his slaves)
Now then, bustle up! (They bustle up eagerly.)
CHORUS
Yes, sir, coming, sir!
Get busy.
CHORUS
Yes, sir, please, sir!
TOAD
I owe you a leathering apiece as it is.
CHORUS
Please, sir, no, sir!
TOAD
Well, get busy, and perhaps I won't say any more about it.
(They are very busy and the hall begins to look tidy again.)
TOAD (sitting down at the head of the table)
Got a pencil any of you?
ONE OF THEM
Yes, sir.
TOAD (taking it)
Thanks. All right, don't hang about, get busy. (He takes a piece of paper from his pocket and begins to write.)
THE PRISONERS (whispering to each other)
He's writing. . . . He's writing a letter. . . . It isn't a letter. . . . It's my pencil he's using. . . . I wonder who he's writing to. . . . Shall we ask him what he's writing? . . . I will if you will. . . . You ask him, it's your pencil. . . . No, you . . . all right, I don't mind. . . . Well, go on then.
THE BRAVE ONE
Please, sir.
TOAD (proudly)
There!
THE BRAVE ONE
Please, sir.
TOAD
Now, I daresay all you young fellows are wondering what I've been doing?
CHORUS
Please, sir, yes, sir.
TOAD
Well, I've just been jotting down a few rough notes.
CHORUS
Oo, sir.
TOAD
Just a few notes for a little entertainment I have sketched out, a little informal sing-song or conversazione to celebrate my return.
Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
TOAD
Something like this:
(1) Speech. By Toad.
And then I make a note. "There will be other speeches by Toad during the evening." Just so as to reassure people.
CHORUS
Yes, sir.
TOAD
(2) Address. By Toad.
Synopsis. You all know what that means, of course?
CHORUS
Please, sir, no, sir.
TOAD
Well, it just means—well, you'll see what it means directly. It's just a sort of synopsis.
CHORUS
Yes, sir.
TOAD
Synopsis. Our Prison System. The Art of Disguise. Barge Life. Steeple-chasing and its dangers. A Typical English Squire.
Yes, sir.
TOAD
(3) Imitations of Various Bird Notes. By Toad.
(4) Song. By Toad. (Composed by Himself.)
(5) Other compositions by Toad. (Sung by the Composer.)
(6) Song. "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow." (Sung by Badger, Rat and Mole.)
CHORUS
Oo, sir.
TOAD
That's all, just a few rough notes. Of course it may shape a little differently as the evening goes on. There are one or two conjuring tricks which I used to know, something to do with three billiard balls and a globe of goldfish. They may come back to me or they may not. We shall see.
CHORUS
Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
THE BRAVE ONE
Could you give us the song now, sir?
TOAD (pleased)
Give it you now, eh?
CHORUS
Oo, please, sir.
Well, well. (He gets up and walks to the middle of the room.)
THE BRAVE ONE (picking up the CHIEF WEASEL'S wreath)
Wouldn't you like to wear this, sir?
TOAD
You think—eh? Well, perhaps you're right. (He puts it on .)
CHORUS
Oo, sir!
TOAD
Suits me, eh?
CHORUS
Please, sir, yes, sir.
TOAD
Some people can wear 'em and some can't. You have the manner or you haven't. There it is. You can't explain it.
CHORUS
Yes, sir. Where will you stand, sir?
THE BRAVE ONE (bringing a stool)
Won't you stand on this, sir?
TOAD (modestly mounting)
Well, perhaps . . .
Oo, sir!
TOAD
Now this is just a little song, and it's called "When the Toad Came Home."
CHORUS
Yes, sir.
TOAD
There's only one verse at present, but it can be sung any
number of times.
THE BRAVE ONE
Yes, sir. May we all sing it?
TOAD
Certainly, certainly. It is really composed with the idea of being sung by a great many people.
CHORUS
Yes, sir. (They group themselves round him, expectantly.)
TOAD (solemnly)
"When the Toad Came Home."
(Singing)
There was panic in the parlor, there was howling in the hall,
There was crying in the cowshed and a snorting in the stall,
There was smashing in of window, there was crashing in of door,
There was bashing of the enemy who fainted on the floor,
When the Toad came home!
(All the prisoners dance in a circle round TOAD, singing this song. TOAD stands wreathed above them, raptly enjoying it. In the middle of the second verse BADGER, RAT and MOLE return.)
BADGER (appalled)
Toad! Get down at once!
(TOAD does not hear him. He is far away. The singers finish their verse but go on dancing round the hero.)
MOLE (reproachfully)
Toady!
RAT (to BADGER)
It's no good. I know him. He's practically in a trance. Let him have his evening out.
MOLE
We'll talk to him in the morning.
RAT
Talking's no good to Toad. He'll always come back to what he is.
All the same, I'll talk to him.
RAT
But let him have his hour first.
BADGER
Oh, all right.
(They stand watching. The dancers are singing again now.)
MOLE (apologetically)
You know, there's something about that tune. It's only just . . . I shan't be . . . (And suddenly he is in the circle, dancing and singing.)
BADGER
He's very young still, is Mole.
RAT
Y-yes.
BADGER
The best of fellows, of course. But young, young.
RAT
Y-yes. All the same, I don't see why . . . I mean, after all . . . I . . . well, I . . . Excuse me! (And now he, too, is in the circle.)
But others seem to have heard the news. The Jury come on, singing and dancing—
JURY
There were calls from all the neighbors,
there were letters from afar.
followed by the JUDGE and the USHER.
JUDGE
There was groaning on the Bench.
USHER
And there was moaning at the Bar.
Then PHOEBE—
PHOEBE
There was tooting on the piccolo and
fluting on the pipes.
and the WASHERWOMAN and BARGE-WOMAN.
WOMEN
There was starching of 'is sockses and a
washing of 'is wipes,
ALL
When the Toad came home,
When the Toad came home.
(Enter ALFRED.) ALFRED
There was shrieking in the gear-box, there
was trumpeting of horn,
And the elephant was jealous and the
parrot felt forlorn.
ALL
There were speeches from the gentry,
there was moistening of throats,
(Enter POLICEMAN.)
And a moistening of pencils and a taking
down of notes.
ALL
When the Toad came home,
When the Toad came home.
(Now they are all round TOAD, singing and dancing; all but BADGER.)
BADGER
Well, well, well. (Doubtfully) Well. (Less doubtfully) W-w-well? (His mind made up) Oh, well! (He joins the dancers, and hobbles stiffly round with them.)
ALL
There was welcoming to Badger, when he
joined the merry throng.
BADGER
I can do it for a little but I can't go on for
long. . . .
(And so on. The incense of their adoration streams up to the be-laurelled TOAD, and with a long sigh of happiness he closes his eyes.)