Toad of Toad Hall/Act 4, Scene 2

​

BADGER (to RAT)
H'sh!

RAT (to MOLE)
H'sh!

MOLE (to TOAD)
H'sh!

TOAD (loudly)
What?

THE OTHERS
H'sh!

TOAD
Oh, all right.

BADGER
We are now in the secret passage, but not yet under the ​house. For the moment silence is not absolutely necessary, but later on . . .

TOAD (airily)
Quite so, quite so.

BADGER
Now, it's all understood? Mole and I burst into the ban­queting hall by the east door, and drive them towards the west door, where Rat and Toad—

TOAD (impatiently)
That's all right, Badger. Let's get at 'em.

BADGER
Rat, you're responsible for the operations on the western front. You understand? What's the matter?

Just before we start, hadn't we better make sure we've got everything? (Reading) One belt, one sword, one cut­lass, one cudgel, one pair of pistols, one policeman's trun­cheon, one policeman's whistle— (TOAD blows his loudly.)

BADGER (alarmed)
What's that?

MOLE (reproachfully)
Toad!

​BADGER (sternly)
Was that you, Toad?

TOAD (meekly)
I just wanted to be sure it worked.

BADGER
Now, Toad, I warn you solemnly, if I have any trouble from you, you'll be sent back, as sure as fate.

TOAD (humbly)
Oh, Badger.

BADGER
Well, I warn you.

RAT
One policeman's whistle, two pairs of handcuffs, bandages, sticking plaster, flask, sandwich case. Now, has everybody got that?

BADGER (with a laugh)
I've got it, but I'm going to do all I want to do with this here stick.

RAT
It's just as you like, Badger. It's only that I don't want you to blame me afterwards and say that I'd forgotten anything.

​BADGER
Well, well! But no pistols, unless we have to. We shall only be shooting each other.

RAT
Pistols in reserve, of course. Eh, Moly?

MOLE
Of course. Eh, Toad?

TOAD (who is examining his)
Of course. (It goes off with a tremendous bang. Everybody jumps.)

MOLE (reproachfully)
Toad!

BADGER
Toad? You don't mean to say that that was Toad again? After what I've just said?

TOAD
I—I just—I didn't . . .

BADGER
Very well then, you go back.

TOAD (falling on his knees)
Oh, please, Badger, please!

BADGER
No! I can't take the risk.

​TOAD
Oh, Badger, please. After all I've been through, and my own house too. You mustn't send me back.

BADGER (wavering)
I ought to.

MOLE
Look here, I'll go last and keep an eye on him.

RAT
And we'll take his pistols and his whistle away. (He does so.)

BADGER
Well . . .

RAT
We'll leave 'em here, see. (He puts them on the ground.) Just here. It might be very useful, if we had to beat a retreat, to find a couple of freshly primed pistols and a policeman's whistle to fall back on. That'll be all right, Badger.

BADGER (gruffly)
Very well. (He leads on.) Now then, no more talking. From this moment absolute silence.

TOAD (very humbly)
Just before we begin the silence, Badger . . .

​BADGER (after waiting in silence)
Well, what is it?

TOAD
A-a-a-a—tishoo! That's all. I felt it coming. Now I won't say another word.
(They pass on.)