Toad of Toad Hall/Act 4, Scene 1
ACT IV
Scene 1
RAT'S HOUSE BY THE RIVER
Scene. RAT'S riverside residence. In construction it is something like the cabin of a ship. Through the large portholes at the back, the opposite bank of the river can be seen. RAT is busy with a large heap of pistols, swords and cudgels.
At one of the portholes the head of the TOAD, still wearing his washerwoman's bonnet over one eye, appears suddenly.
TOAD (from outside)
Help! Help!
RAT (thoughtfully listening)
Funny. That sounded like Toad's voice.
TOAD
Help!
RAT
Yes, if Toad had been anywhere but where he is, poor unfortunate animal, I should have said—(He comes into TOAD'S line of sight.)
TOAD
Help! Help!
RAT (turning round)
It is! Toady! However—
TOAD
Give us a hand, Rat. I'm about done.
RAT (excitedly)
Old Toad! (He seizes hold of him.) Well, this is— What's the matter? No strength left? I know. But however—
TOAD
You'll have to pull me in. I'm about done.
RAT
That's all right. Got one kick left in you? Good. Well, when I say, "Kick," kick, and I'll pull, and— Now then, ready?
TOAD (faintly)
Yes.
RAT
Then kick! (TOAD kicks, RAT pulls, and he tumbles in on to the floor.) There!
TOAD (gasping)
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Come on the sofa a bit, won't you?
TOAD (faintly)
Thank you, dear Ratty, thank you. (He flops onto the sofa.)
RAT
Here, drink this. You're about done. (He hands TOAD a bottle.)
TOAD (drinking)
Ah! (He drinks again.) That's better. I shall soon be all right. A passing faintness.
RAT (looking at him)
Poor old Toady. And wet as wet. . . . And am I wrong, or are you disguised in parts as a washerwoman who has seen better days?
TOAD (complacently)
Aha.
RAT
That's more like you. Escaped, eh? In disguise?
TOAD (more complacently)
Aha. (He begins to sit up and take notice.)
RAT
That's much better. We'll soon have you all right.
It takes a good deal to put me out, Ratty. Just a passing faintness which might happen to anyone who had been through what I've been through.
RAT
You've been through a lot, I expect.
TOAD
My dear Ratty, the times I've been through since I saw you last, you simply can't think!
RAT
Yes. Well, when you've got those horrible things off, and cleaned yourself up a bit—
TOAD
The times! Such trials, such sufferings, and all so nobly borne!
RAT
You'll find some dry clothes upstairs.
TOAD
Such escapes, such disguises, such subterfuges, and all so cleverly planned and carried out!
RAT
Quite so. Well—
TOAD
Been in prison, got out of it, of course. Stole a horse, rode away on it. Humbugged everybody, made 'em do exactly as I wanted. Oh, I am a smart Toad, and no mistake. Now what do you think my very last exploit was?
RAT (severely)
I don't know, Toad. But seeing where it was I found you, and the state you were in, I should say that somebody had dropped you into the river, and then thrown mud at you. It isn't a thing to boast about, really it isn't, Toad.
TOAD
Pooh, that was nothing. I just happened to be—to be heading a pursuit on my horse, right in front of everybody else, in my usual way. And accidentally, not noticing the river in the enthusiasm of the chase, and the horse stopping a moment or two before I did—
RAT (warningly)
Toad.
TOAD
But I wasn't going to tell you about that. Now what do you think—
RAT (taking him by the shoulders)
Toad!
TOAD
Here, hold on a moment. I just want to tell you—
RAT
Toad, you will go upstairs at once, and see if you can possibly make yourself look like a respectable animal again, for a more shabby, bedraggled, disreputable-looking object than you are now, I never set eyes on.
TOAD (with dignity)
You can hardly realize, Ratty, to whom you are—
RAT
Now stop swaggering and arguing and be off. Badger and Mole will be in directly.
TOAD (airily)
Oh, ah! Yes, of course, the Mole and the Badger. What's become of them, the dear fellows? I had forgotten all about them.
RAT (gravely)
Well may you ask!
TOAD
Why, what—
RAT
You will hear in good time. Badger himself may prefer to break the news to you. Be off now, and prepare yourself. Why, what's the matter?
TOAD (who has wandered in front of a mirror and is regarding himself with horror)
Is this glass of yours all right?
Of course. Why?
TOAD
I hoped— You see, it's the first time I— You're quite right, Ratty. Nobody could carry off a costume like this. (Meekly) I'll go and change. (He goes out.)
(RAT, left alone, fetches duster, pan and brush, and begins to clean up after TOAD, murmuring, "Dear, dear!" to himself, and "Well, I never!" While he is so engaged, BADGER and MOLE come in.)
RAT (eagerly)
Hallo, here you are! I say, what do you think?
MOLE (dropping into a chair)
Too tired to think, Ratty, and that's a fact.
RAT
Yes, but—
BADGER (gruffly)
Nobody thinks nowadays. That's the trouble. Too much action, not enough thought. (He stretches himself on the sofa.)
RAT
Yes, but—
MOLE (to RAT)
He's a bit low, just now. We've had a hard day. He'll be all right directly.
Yes, but what do you think? Toad's back.
MOLE (jumping up)
Toad! Back where?
RAT
Here!
MOLE
Where?
RAT (with a jerk of the head)
Cleaning. You ought to have seen him, Mole. He'd have made you laugh.
BADGER (with his eyes shut)
Unhappy animal.
MOLE
Escaped?
RAT (nodding)
'Mmm. So he says. But you know what Toad is.
BADGER
I knew his father. Ah me!
MOLE
Has he heard the news?
Not yet. I said Badger would tell him.
MOLE
Old Toad! . . . He's just in time. Badger thinks it will be tonight!
RAT (eagerly)
Not really?
MOLE
Yes. He says so.
RAT
I've been polishing up the pistols and cutlasses. They're all
ready.
MOLE
Good. We shall want all we can.
BADGER (solemnly rousing himself)
Rat.
RAT (turning round)
Hallo?
BADGER
Did I hear you say that our young friend Toad had escaped from his noisome dungeon?
RAT
Came in five minutes ago. In such a state.
I would speak with him.
RAT
He's just having a wash.
BADGER (severely)
This is no time for washing. We have work before us tonight. Hard fighting. Washing can wait. Where do you think I should have been if, at the crisis of my life, I had stopped to wash? Where would my revered father have been, if he had put soap before strategy? Where would my beloved grandfather—
MOLE (loudly)
Toady!
TOAD (from outside)
Hallo, Mole, old fellow!
BADGER
Thank you, Mole. (He closes his eyes again.)
MOLE (to RAT)
I heard all about his beloved grandfather this morning. Most interesting.
(TOAD comes in, almost his old self.)
TOAD (cheerily)
Hallo, you fellows!
Toady!
BADGER (solemnly rising)
Welcome home, Toad. Alas! what am I saying? Home, indeed. This is a poor homecoming. Unhappy Toad. (He sinks on to the sofa again.)
MOLE
Fancy having you back! And today of all days. To think that you have escaped from prison, you clever, intelligent Toad.
TOAD
Clever? Oh, no. I'm not clever, really. Badger doesn't think so. Rat doesn't think so. I've only broken out of the strongest prison in England, that's all. And disguised myself, and gone about the country on my horse humbugging everybody, that's all. Clever? Oh dear no.
RAT
Oh, Toady!
TOAD
Well, I shall be strolling along to Toad Hall. One does get appreciated at home. Mole, if you like to drop in to coffee one evening, and care to hear a few of my milder adventures—
MOLE (sadly)
Oh, Toady, and you haven't heard.
Heard what? Quick, don't spare me! What haven't I heard?
MOLE
The Stoats and the Weasels!
RAT
The Wild Wooders!
MOLE
And how they've been and gone—
RAT
And taken Toad Hall.
MOLE
And been living there ever since.
RAT
Going on simply anyhow.
MOLE
Lying in bed half the day.
RAT
Breakfast at all hours.
MOLE
Eating your grub and drinking your drink.
RAT
And making bad jokes about you, and singing vulgar songs.
About . . . (He hesitates.)
RAT
About . . . (He hesitates.)
MOLE
Well, about prisons and magistrates and policemen.
RAT
Horrid personal songs with no humor in them.
MOLE
That's what's happened, Toad. And it's no good pretending it hasn't.
RAT
And they're all telling everybody that they've come to Toad Hall to stay for good.
TOAD
Oh, have they! I'll jolly soon see about that!
RAT
Yes, but how?
TOAD (doubtfully)
Well—well—well, what I shall do . . .
RAT
Of course, what you ought to do . . .
No, he oughtn't. Nothing of the sort. What he ought to do is, he ought to . . .
TOAD
Well, I shan't do it anyhow. I've been ordered about quite enough. It's my house we're talking about, and I know exactly what to do, and I'll tell you. I'm going to—
BADGER
Be quiet, all of you! (They are silent.) Toad!
TOAD (meekly)
Yes, Badger?
BADGER
When you got into trouble a short time ago, and brought disgrace upon your own name, and shame and sorrow upon your friends, I resolved that on your return from your enforced seclusion, I would take the first opportunity of pointing out to you the folly of your ways.
TOAD (meekly)
Yes, Badger. Thank you, Badger.
BADGER
I even went so far as to jot down a few rough notes on the subject. Where are they, Rat?
RAT (handing him a sheet of paper)
Here you are.
Thank you. (Reading) "To make suet dumplings" . . .
RAT
It's the other side.
BADGER
Ah yes, here we are.
TOAD (meekly)
I'd rather have the bit about the dumplings, if it's all the same to you.
BADGER (reading)
"(1) Conceit and its consequence. (2) Reverend Uncle, grief of. (3) Toad, whither tending?" (He puts the paper down.) But the moment for all this is past.
TOAD (humbly)
Just as you like, Badger old man.
BADGER
The moment is past, because it is obvious now to everybody here where your folly has brought you. Toad Hall is in the hands of your enemies. Sentries guard it day and night. Unhappy Toad.
TOAD (bursting into tears)
Alas, alas! Toad Hall, that desirable riverside residence, in the hands of Stoats and Weasels! This is, indeed, the end of everything! (He rolls onto the sofa in his grief.)
Not quite the end. I haven't said my last word yet. Now I'm going to tell you a great secret. We are too few to attack from the front, but there is an underground passage that leads from the River Bank right up into the middle of Toad Hall.
TOAD (sitting up brightly)
Oh, nonsense, Badger! I know every inch of Toad Hall inside and out. You've been listening to gossip, that's what you've been doing.
BADGER (severely)
Right up into the middle of Toad Hall. When your father, who was a particular friend of mine, told me about it, he said, "Don't tell my son. He means well," he said, "but he's very light and irresponsible in character," he said, "and simply cannot hold his tongue. If he's ever in a real fix," he said, "and it would be of use to him," he said, "you may tell him. But not before." That's what he said, Toad. Knowing the sort of animal you were.
TOAD
Well, well, perhaps I am a bit of a talker. A popular fellow such as I am, my friends get round me, we chaff, we sparkle, we tell witty stories and somehow my tongue gets wagging. I have the gift of conversation. I have been told that I ought to have a salon, whatever that may be.
BADGER (severely)
At present, my young friend, you haven't even got a box-room.
How true, dear Badger, and how well put. But you have a plan in that wise old head of yours. This passage. How shall we use it?
BADGER
Tonight the Chief Weasel is giving a banquet. It's his birthday. While they are all feasting, careless of the morrow, we four, armed to the teeth, will creep silently, by way of the passage, into the butler's pantry.
TOAD
Ah! that squeaky board in the butler's pantry!
BADGER
Armed to the teeth, you and Rat, by one door—
RAT (looking up)
Yes, Badger.
BADGER
And me and Mole by the other—
MOLE
Yes, Badger.
BADGER
Also armed to the teeth—we shall—
MOLE
Creep out of the pantry—
With our pistols, and swords and sticks—
BADGER
And rush in on them—
TOAD (ecstatically)
And whack 'em and whack 'em and whack 'em.
BADGER
Exactly. (He pats TOAD on the back.) You have caught the spirit of it perfectly. Good Toad!
TOAD
I'll learn 'em to steal my house.
RAT
Teach 'em, Toad, not learn 'em.
BADGER
But we don't want to teach 'em. Toad's quite right. We want to learn 'em, and, what's more, we're going to. Now then, to rest, all of you. We start at 9 o'clock, and we must be fresh for it. (He settles down on the sofa.)
RAT
I'll just get the lanterns trimmed. (He goes out.)
MOLE (settling down in a chair)
Badger's right. I want a rest.
Yes, we must rest.
(He begins to chuckle. MOLE, eyes closed, takes no notice. TOAD glances at him and chuckles more loudly. MOLE lazily opens an eye.)
MOLE (sleepily)
Eh?
TOAD (laughing heartily)
I was just thinking; most amusing thing, really rather funny. I was in a hollow tree and a policeman, well, a whole army of 'em, was looking for me. And one of 'em said, "Is that a bird?" Ha, ha, ha! Really very funny. "Is that a bird or what?" And what do you think I did? Ha, ha, ha! I said . . . (and so on. MOLE sleeps.)