Toad of Toad Hall/Act 3, Scene 2
Scene 2
THE DUNGEON
Scene. A Dungeon. On a heap of straw in the corner TOAD sleeps uneasily. The door is unlocked and PHOEBE, the gaoler's daughter, comes in with breakfast on a tray. TOAD sits up and takes the straw from his hair.
PHOEBE
Good morning, Toad.
TOAD (gloomily)
Good morning, woman.
PHOEBE
Slept well?
TOAD
Slept well? How could I sleep well, immured in a dark and noisome dungeon like this?
PHOEBE
Well, some do. See, I've brought your breakfast.
TOAD
Then you will oblige me by taking it away again.
What, aren't you ever going to eat any more?
TOAD
You don't understand. This is the end.
PHOEBE
You've said that every day for a month past. The end of what?
TOAD
The end of everything. At least it is the end of the career of Toad, which is the same thing. (He paces up and down.) The popular and handsome Toad, the rich and hospitable Toad, the Toad so free and careless and debonair.
PHOEBE
Cheer up, there's always hope.
TOAD
Hope? How can I hope ever to be set at large again who have been imprisoned so justly for stealing so handsome a motor car in such an audacious manner, and for such lurid and imaginative cheek bestowed upon such a fat, red-faced policeman?
PHOEBE
Well, there is that, of course.
TOAD
Stupid animal that I was, now I must languish in this dungeon till people who were proud to say they knew me have forgotten the very name of Toad.
PHOEBE
There's no need to languish all the time.
TOAD (with sobs)
Oh, wise old Badger. (To PHOEBE) A friend of mine. . . . Oh, clever, intelligent Rat and sensible Mole. Two other friends. What sound judgments, what a knowledge of men and matters you possess. Oh, unhappy and forsaken Toad!
PHOEBE (arranging the breakfast)
Nice hot buttered toast and tea.
TOAD
Oh, despairing and— Did you say hot buttered?
PHOEBE
Made it myself, I did. Father said, "Here's the key of Number 87," he said, "and you can take him his breakfast. He's the most notoriousest dangerous animal in the country," said Father, "and how we shall keep him under lock and key Goodness only knows."
TOAD (brightening)
Did he say that?
PHOEBE
His very words. "The most notoriousest dangerous and reckless animal within the four walls of this here castle. And you can take him a couple of old crusts for his breakfast," said Father, "because I must starve and break his indomitable spirit," said Father, "otherwise he'll get the better of me."
TOAD (his mouth full of it)
Believe me, girl, I am not ungrateful. You must pay me a visit at Toad Hall one of these days. Drop in to tea one afternoon.
TOAD (making a great effort to be modest)
Well, of course, one has one's reputation.
PHOEBE
So I said, "Yes, Father," and as soon as his back was turned I said to myself, "What a shame," and I made this nice buttered toast.
PHOEBE
Is that where you live?
TOAD (nodding)
Finest house in these parts for miles around.
PHOEBE
Tell me about it.
TOAD (proudly)
Toad Hall is an eligible, self-contained gentleman's residence, very unique, dating in part from the fourteenth century, but replete with every modern convenience. Up-to-date sanitation. Five minutes from church, post office and golf links. Approached by long carriage sweep.
Fancy! And do your friends, Mr. Badger and Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole, live there with you?
TOAD (laughing heartily)
Oh, my dear child! Badger. Rat. Mole. Excellent fellows all, but hardly, how shall I put it, hardly (With a wave of the paw) well, hardly. They come to pay me a visit now and then, naturally; always glad to see them; but—well quite frankly, they wouldn't be comfortable at a big house like Toad Hall, not to live. One has to be born to it. Badger lives in a rambling barn of a place nearby; Rat has a little riverside villa; and Mole—well really, I don't know where Mole does live. He's staying with Badger, I fancy, at present. Dear old Badger.
PHOEBE
You're feeling better, aren't you?
TOAD
The artistic temperament. We have our ups and down. (He returns to his breakfast.)
PHOEBE (looking at him thoughtfully)
Now I wonder.
TOAD (casually)
Any prisoners ever been known to escape from this castle of yours?
PHOEBE
Never.
Oh! Well, I must see what I can do. I must give my mind to it one day. Excellent buttered toast this.
PHOEBE
I've been giving my mind to it lately.
TOAD
That's the only way to make really good toast.
PHOEBE
I didn't mean to that. I meant to escaping. I think I see a
way in which you might do it.
TOAD (dropping his toast in his excitement)
You're going to help me?
PHOEBE
Yes. I like you, Toad, and I've felt sorry for you, and for
your friends who want to see you again so badly. And I think it's a shame the way you've been treated.
TOAD
They were afraid of me, that's what it was. (He puffs out his cheeks.)
PHOEBE
Now listen. I have an aunt who is a washerwoman.
TOAD (kindly)
There, there. Never mind. Think no more about it. I have several aunts who ought to be washerwomen.
Do be quiet a minute, Toad. You talk too much, that's your chief fault. Now my aunt does the washing for all the prisoners in the castle. Naturally we keep anything of that sort in the family. She brings the washing back Friday morning, that's today. Now you're very rich, at least you're always telling me so, and for a few pounds I think I could persuade her to lend you her dress and bonnet and so on, and you could escape as the castle washerwoman. You're very much alike in some ways, particularly about the figure.
TOAD (indignantly)
We're not! I have a very elegant figure, for what I am.
PHOEBE
So has my aunt, for what she is. But have it your own way, you horrid proud ungrateful animal, when I'm trying to help you!
TOAD (quickly)
Yes, yes, that's all right, thank you very much indeed. But I was only thinking— You surely wouldn't have Mr. Toad of Toad Hall going about the country disguised as a washerwoman?
PHOEBE
All right, then you can stop here as a Toad. I suppose you want to go off in a coach-and-four?
TOAD
No, no! Please! You are a good, kind, clever girl, and I am indeed a proud and stupid Toad. Introduce me to your worthy aunt, if you will be so kind. It would be a privilege to meet her.
PHOEBE
That's better. (As she goes out) With a little trouble you'd make quite a nice Toad.
TOAD (as the door closes)
Chit!
(He bursts happily into his song again, as he arranges a little collection of money—notes, gold and silver—on the table, in such a way that it looks like an accident rather than a bribe. PHOEBE returns with her AUNT, who appears to be dressed in a blanket. She has a bundle of clothes under her arm.)
PHOEBE
This is Mr. Toad. My aunt.
AUNT
Good morning.
TOAD (in his Society manner)
Good morning, dear lady. Charming weather we are having, are we not? Pray sit down. Your niece tells me that you—er—attend to the—er—that is, you have under your charge the habiliments, the more mutable habiliments of the inhabitants of the castle. A delightful profession, I am sure.
AUNT (stolidly, to PHOEBE)
Is this the one?
Yes.
AUNT (to TOAD)
I wash.
TOAD
Quite so, quite so.
PHOEBE
I told you the idea, Aunt, didn't I?
AUNT (eyeing the money)
Some of it.
(There is an awkward silence. PHOEBE catches TOAD'S eye and indicates the money.)
TOAD
Quite so. (He clears his throat loudly.) I was wondering—naturally I shouldn't want to carry all my money about with me. Indeed, in the costume suggested (He indicates the bundle of clothes.) I wondered if you would oblige me so far—purely as a favor to me . . .
AUNT
Is that the money?
TOAD (indicating the money on the table)
Just a little—er—I haven't counted it—
I have.
TOAD
Oh! Well?
AUNT
Here you are. (She hands over her bundle: cotton print gown, apron, shawl and rusty black bonnet.)
TOAD (seizing the bundle)
My dear lady, I am eternally your debtor. Should you ever find yourself in the neighborhood of Toad Hall, a visit, whether professional or social— (He holds up the dress.) Er, how do I . . .
PHOEBE (much amused)
I'll help you.
AUNT
You told him the condition?
TOAD
Condition?
PHOEBE
My aunt thinks she ought to be gagged and bound, so as to look as if she had been overcome. You'd like it, too. You wanted to leave the prison in style.
TOAD (beamingly)
An excellent idea. So much more in keeping with my character.
I brought a bit of rope along, in case like.
TOAD
Splendid!
AUNT (enjoying it)
Got a nankerchief?
TOAD (producing one)
Yes.
AUNT
Then you gags me first. (In a hoarse whisper) Help! Help! Help! Help! Help!
TOAD (carried away by the realism of this)
Silence, woman, else I gag thee.
AUNT (undeterred)
Help! Help! Help!
TOAD (advancing with gag)
Thou hast brought it on thyself. (He gags her.)
AUNT (pulling down gag)
A little tighter, I think. Help! Help! Help!
TOAD (pulling it tighter)
A murrain on thy cackling tongue! There! (To PHOEBE) Now then, lend a hand with this rope.
How brave you are! (She lends a hand.)
TOAD (regarding the AUNT with pride)
A neat bit of work that. Now then, how do I get into this? (He holds up the dress.)
PHOEBE
Silly, not like that. Here, give it to me. . . . Now then. (She helps TOAD in, and does him up.) Apron. . . . Shawl. . . . Now the bonnet. There! Well, upon my word, you're the very living image of her!
(The AUNT makes frantic indications of a desire to speak.)
TOAD
What's the matter with her?
PHOEBE
She wants to say something, I think. (She takes off the gag.)
AUNT (with conviction)
Too ugly.
PHOEBE
Who is?
AUNT
He is.
My good woman—
AUNT
Much too ugly. Never do at all.
TOAD (amazed)
Really—
AUNT
Not a bit like me. Not good-looking enough.
TOAD
Here give me the gag!
AUNT
Not nearly good-looking enough. Not— (But she is gagged again.)
PHOEBE
Now then, Toad, we must hurry. I'll take you to the end of the corridor, and then you go straight down the stairs. You can't mistake the way. And if any of the gaolers stop you and chaff you a bit, because she's very popular, Aunt is—
TOAD (coldly)
I shouldn't have thought it.
PHOEBE
Then you must give them a bit of chaff back. But respectable, of course, being a widow woman with a character to lose. Now good-bye and good luck.
TOAD (nervously)
Good-bye, good-bye. If you're ever in the neighborhood of Toad Hall . . .
PHOEBE
Which I shan't be. Now, come on, there's a good Toad. You can thank me when you've escaped. Now, don't forget; you're a washerwoman. (She leads the way out.)
TOAD
Yes, yes, we must be off. (Nervously) I wish I knew a little more what washerwomen talked about. (In a falsetto voice, as he goes) I remember once when I was ironing a shirt-front . . .