Toad of Toad Hall/Act 3, Scene 1
ACT III
Scene 1
THE COURTHOUSE
Scene. The Courthouse. A bare, clean, whitewashed room, furnished with a Bench, a Jury box, and a little extra space for the witnesses and spectators. It is crowded today, for the notorious TOAD is to be tried, and there is every prospect that he will be sentenced to a severe term of penal servitude. In one corner, sitting glomily together, are BADGER, RAT, and MOLE. BADGER has his handkerchief out. On the Bench the JUDGE, an owl-like gentleman, is sitting, sipping a cup of tea. A figure, its head bowed in its hands, sits beside him. An USHER, tall and thin, wanders round the room with a list in his hand, ticking off those present. In the Jury box a TURKEY, a DUCK, four SQUIRRELS, five RABBITS and the CHIEF WEASEL are crowded together.
USHER
One Judge. (He looks at the Bench and marks off the JUDGE on his list.) Twelve Jury. (He counts them and marks them off.) One policeman witness. (To POLICEMAN) That's you. Now, don't you go a-moving or you'll muddle me. One policeman, and one prisoner. (He looks at the Dock.) Hallo! That's funny. Where is the prisoner?
POLICEMAN (staggered)
Well, I know I brought him in. (Loudly) Toad! Where are you?
TOAD (looking up from the Bench, sadly)
Here I am.
USHER
What yer doing there? Come down out of it.
TOAD (meekly)
I thought this was where the prisoners went. (He glances at the JUDGE, and comes down with a smirk.)
EVERYBODY
Did you hear what he said. . . . What was it? . . . Well, of all the cheek. . . . Just like Toad. . . . What was it? I didn't hear. . . .
(And now, all being present, the USHER walks up to to the JUDGE and whispers in his ear. The JUDGE finishes his tea and nods.)
USHER
Silence!
EVERYBODY (to everybody else)
Silence! Silence!
Stop saying "Silence!"
EVERYBODY (to everybody else)
Stop saying "Silence!"
JUDGE
It's worse than ever! (To USHER) Try them with "Hush!"
USHER (in a loud whisper)
Hush!
(Everybody hushes.)
JUDGE
Please understand, once and for all, that unless I have complete hush, it will be impossible for the prisoner to be tried.
TOAD
I don't want to be tried.
JUDGE (sternly)
Impossible for him to be tried, but not impossible for him to be severely sentenced.
BADGER (in tears)
Alack! Alack! Oh hapless Toad!
TOAD
Well, it was fun anyway.
JUDGE (clearing his throat)
H'm. Friends and fellow citizens. We see before us, cowering in the Dock, one of the most notorious and hardened malefactors of our time, the indigenous Toad.
TOAD
I'm not indigenous.
JUDGE (grimly)
Well, if you're not, you very soon will be. We see before us, I say, this monster of iniquity, and it is our duty to try him fairly and without prejudice; and to sentence him to the very sharpest term of imprisonment that we can think of, so as to learn him not to do it again. We shall then adjourn for lunch. (Cries of "Hear, hear.") It may be that after lunch we shall see things in a more rosy light and be tempted to dilute justice with mercy, to the extent of remitting some thirty or forty years of the sentence. If so, we shall fight against the temptation. If, on the other hand, we see things in a more somber light, and realize suddenly that we have been too lenient with the cowering criminal before us, we shall not hesitate to remedy our error. (Kindly) Has the prisoner anything to say before we pass on?
TOAD (meekly)
No.
JUDGE
Very well. Then I proceed to the charge. The counts against the prisoner are as follows. (To USHER) By the way, is the Jury all present? I particularly want the Jury to hear this. Just call 'em out and see.
Certainly, my lord. Mr. Turkey.
TURKEY
Here!
USHER
Mr. Duck.
DUCK
Here!
USHER
Four squirrels.
SQUIRRELS
Here!
USHER
Six rabbits.
RABBITS
Here!
(RAT rises and holds up his hand.)
RAT (firmly)
I object. (Sensation.)
JUDGE (putting on his glasses)
What's the matter? Who is it? What did he—Ah, Ratty, my little friend, is it you? Delighted to see you. If you will just wait until I have got this ruffian off my hands, we can have a little talk. What about lunching with me? (To USHER) Go on, please.
USHER
Six rabbits.
RABBITS
Here!
RAT
I object, my lord.
JUDGE (surprised)
Object?
RAT
One of the rabbits is a weasel.
CHIEF WEASEL (indignantly)
I'm not! I'm a rabbit.
RAT
He's a weasel.
JUDGE
Dear, dear. A difference of opinion. (To USHER) What are we to do? What does one do?
USHER
He says he's a rabbit, my lord, and he ought to know.
There's something in that. You can't make a mistake about a thing of that sort.
RAT (doggedly)
He's a weasel.
CHIEF WEASEL
I'm not!
RAT
That proves it. (To WEASEL) Why should you say you
aren't, if you aren't?
JUDGE
But of course he says he aren't if he aren't. I mean if he aren't, then he aren't, so naturally he says he aren't. (He fans himself with his handkerchief.)
RAT
But he wouldn't say he wasn't, if he wasn't. The other rabbits didn't say they wasn't. Why didn't they say they wasn't? Because they aren't.
JUDGE (to USHER)
Just make a note that I shall want a glass of iced water if this goes on.
RAT (eagerly)
Of course if you aren't, you don't say you aren't, but if you weren't, you would say you were.
But you wouldn't say you aren't, if you weren't, and on the other hand— (Despairingly) I think we'd better begin this trial all over again.
USHER
Yes, my lord. Much the best way.
JUDGE (to RAT)
You can tell me your objections afterwards, when we have this desperate ruffian safely lodged in a dungeon.
RAT
He's a weasel. I know he's a weasel. You can see he's a weasel. It isn't fair!
JUDGE (soothingly)
There, there, there. We'll talk about it calmly at lunch. There's a nice saddle of mutton, and red currant jelly.
MOLE (boldly)
It's a shame, that's what it is, when everybody knows what the weasels are.
CHIEF WEASEL (to the RABBITS)
I'm a rabbit, aren't I a rabbit? (Under his breath) Say I am.
RABBITS (terrified)
Y-yes.
There you are. Naturally there are lots of different kinds of rabbit, and I'm one of the different kinds.
RAT
No, you're not.
CHIEF WEASEL
Yes, I am.
JUDGE
Please, please! For my sake. (To USHER) Now then, all over again.
USHER (stolidly)
Mr. Turkey.
TURKEY
Here!
USHER
Mr. Duck.
DUCK
Here!
USHER
Four squirrels.
SQUIRRELS
Here!
Five ordinary rabbits.
RABBITS
Here!
USHER
One different kind of rabbit.
CHIEF WEASEL
Here!
USHER
That's the lot, my lord.
ALFRED (suddenly appearing)
What about me?
JUDGE (putting on his glasses)
What is this?
ALFRED (in the USHER'S voice)
Alfred. (Squeakily) Here!
JUDGE (to the POLICEMAN)
Lead it out.
ALFRED (as he is led out)
All right, all right. I only just looked in. No esprit de corps. That's what's the matter with them all. No esprit de corps.
Now then. (Looking at his watch) We haven't too much time. The counts against the prisoner are as follows: First, that he did maliciously steal a valuable motor car without so much as a "with your leave" or a "by your leave." Second, that being in the said motor car, he did drive recklessly and to the common danger. Third, that on being apprehended he was guilty of gross impertinence to the rural police. (Cheerfully) Now then, Toad, what have you got to say about all that?
TOAD
I wasn't driving recklessly. I was just going along quietly at about seventy miles an hour, when I saw a policeman in front of me. Naturally I quickened up to see if he wanted anything. Same as anyone else would have done who's fond of policemen.
POLICEMAN
Recklessly and to the common danger.
TOAD
Rubbish!
POLICEMAN
And what did you call me, eh?
TOAD
How can I remember? Officer, constable, sergeant—
POLICEMAN
No, you didn't.
Now we're getting at it. What did he call you?
POLICEMAN (annoyed)
He called me fat-face.
(Sensation.)
JUDGE (aghast)
Fat-face!
EVERYBODY (to everybody else)
He called him fat-face!
JUDGE
This is terrible. This adds years to my life. (To POLICEMAN) You mean to tell me that this ruffian, this incorrigible rogue whom I am about to sentence to a severe term of penal servitude, had the audacity to call a representative of the Law "fat-face"?
RAT
Oh, Toady!
BADGER
Alack! Alack! Oh hapless animal!
JUDGE
Fat-face. Did I hear it aright? Fat-face?
We don't want to make a song about it. I told you what he called me, and that's what he called me.
USHER (stolidly)
Fat-face.
TOAD
I didn't mean him any more than anyone else. I just murmured the expression to myself. It's a way I have. I'm that sort of person. I murmur things to myself. It's the result of a highly strung temperament and an artistic nature.
USHER
He admits that he passed the expression "fat-face" my lord, and that's good enough for any ordinary jury.
CHIEF WEASEL
Speaking as a special kind of rabbit, I say that it's good enough for me.
MOLE
Weasel!
CHIEF WEASEL
Shut up!
JUDGE
Very well. We have the prisoner condemned out of his own mouth of using most frightful cheek to a member of the rural police. We shall now sentence him severely.
Wait a bit, my lord. There's that little matter of stealing a valuable motor car without so much as a "with your leave" or a "by your leave."
JUDGE
Does it matter? I mean compared with this unspeakable impertinence to which the prisoner has already confessed?
USHER
Well, it adds more to the sentence, like.
JUDGE
Ah, well, in that case we must certainly go into the matter. Well, Toad, what have you got to say about that?
TOAD
I didn't mean to steal it. It was this way. I was just having a bit of lunch at an inn. I had been very ill, hadn't I, Ratty? And my dear friends Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole and Mr. Badger had been looking after me. It was the first time I'd been up and out, and I was having my bit of lunch, just a round of beef and a few pickled walnuts and a couple of helpings of treacle pudding, when I heard outside "Poop-poop! Poop-poop!"
JUDGE
You heard what?
TOAD (raptly)
Poop-poop! Poop-poop!
Imitation of motor car.
JUDGE
Oh! (To himself) Poop-poop! Poop-poop! (Shaking his head) No, I don't seem to get it.
TOAD
Well, then two gentlemen came in to lunch, and as soon as I'd finished mine, I went out to look at their car. I thought there couldn't be any harm in my only just looking at it. So I looked at it. And then naturally I began to say to myself, "I wonder if this car starts easily." So I wound it up just to see. And then naturally I stepped into the driver's seat, just as I always do, and—and then I saw a policeman with a very fat fa—with a very nice expression, a very handsome policeman; and he said, "You're going a hundred and seventy miles an hour," and I said, "Of course if you say so, dear Mr. Policeman," and then—
JUDGE (to USHER)
All this makes it worse, doesn't it?
USHER
Much worse.
JUDGE (relieved)
I thought so. It means we can give him a stiffer sentence?
USHER
A much stiffer one.
Good. You were saying, Toad?
BADGER (rising weightily)
May I say a few words now, my lord?
JUDGE
Who is this?
USHER
Mr. Badger, a well-known and highly respected member of the community.
JUDGE
So it is, so it is. Well, Mr. Badger?
BADGER
Alack! Alack! O hapless Toad! O ill-fated animal.
JUDGE (to USHER)
Is it a recitation?
BADGER
I knew his father, I knew his grandfather, I knew his uncle, the Archdeacon.
JUDGE
This makes it very serious indeed.
BADGER
Many an afternoon have I spent in communion with his father at Toad Hall, one of the most attractive riverside residences with carriage sweep.
JUDGE
Dear, dear! With carriage sweep, you say.
BADGER
Unhappy day. O feckless Toad. O rash and ill-advised animal! (He sits down again.)
JUDGE
Most interesting. We are all indebted to Mr. Badger for his profound and helpful observations. Now, I think, we can proceed to business.
CHIEF WEASEL
Guilty!
JUDGE
Of course he's guilty. That isn't the point. The only difficulty which presents itself in this otherwise very clear case is, how can we possibly make it sufficiently hot for the incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian whom we see cowering in the Dock before us? Mr. Usher, will you please tell us what is the very stiffest penalty we can impose for each of the three offenses for which the prisoner stands convicted? Without, of course, giving him the benefit of the doubt, because there isn't any.
USHER
Well, my lord, some people would consider that stealing a valuable motor car was the worst offense, and so it is. But cheeking the police carries the severest penalty, and so it ought. Suppose you were to say a year for the theft, which is mild, and three years for the furious driving, which is lenient, and fifteen years for the cheek, which is purely nominal. Those figures, if added together correctly, tot up to nineteen years.
JUDGE
First-rate!
USHER
So you'd better make it a round twenty and be on the safe side.
TOAD (meekly)
I don't mind if it isn't quite round.
JUDGE
Silence! An excellent suggestion, Mr. Usher. Now, prisoner, pull yourself together and try to stand up straight. It's going to be twenty years for you this time. And mind, if you appear before us again, on any charge whatever, we shall have to deal with you very seriously.
CHIEF WEASEL
Hear, hear!
MOLE
Shut up!
Twenty years. Don't forget. Now then, prisoner, before the rest of us adjourn for lunch, is there anything you would like to say in the nature of a farewell speech? Any last words or valedictory utterances?
TOAD (boldly)
Yes.
JUDGE (kindly)
Well, well, what is it?
TOAD
Fat-face!
JUDGE (aghast)
Fat-face? ME?
TOAD (wildly)
All of you! All the whole lot of you! All fat-faces! I am Toad, the Terror of the Highway, Toad, the Traffic-queller, the Lord of the Lone Trail, before whom all must give way or be smitten into nothingness and everlasting night. I am the Toad, the handsome, the popular, the successful Toad. And what are you? Just fat-faces.
JUDGE
Well, of all the ungrateful things to say.
TOAD
I am the great, the magnificent, the incomprehensible Toad!
Oh, Toady, boasting again.
JUDGE
To call me, after all I've done for him, fat-face!
TOAD
The great Toad! (He breaks into his chant.)
As history books have showed;
But never a name to go down to fame
Compared with that of Toad!
JUDGE
Silence!
Know all there is to be knowed,
But they none of them know one half as much
As intelligent Mr. Toad!
JUDGE
Stop him, somebody! Stop him!
As they marched along the road;
Was it the King? or Fat-face?
No. It was Mr. Toad!
Take him away! Cast him into the dungeon! Load him with chains! Gag him!
EVERYBODY
Now then. Now then. Better come quietly.
Sat in the window and sewed:
She cried "Look! who's that handsome man?"
They answered "Mr. Toad."
(His voice is heard more and more faintly in the distance, as he is led to the dungeons.)
Mr. Toad! Mr. Toad! Mr. Toad!