Toad of Toad Hall/Act 2, Scene 3
Scene 3
THE SAME. SOME WEEKS LATER
Scene. Badger's home on a spring morning some weeks later. MR. BADGER is in an armchair, with his feet on another, reading a newspaper, and paying no attention whatever to TOAD, who is in the paroxysms of another attack. TOAD (poor fellow) has arranged three chairs in a hopeful representation of a motor car. He sits on the front one grasping an imaginary wheel, changing imaginary gears and making appropriate noises. A sudden (imaginary) block in the traffic, pulls him up sharply, though his "Hi, look ahead there!" averts an accident. He gets off and winds up his engine, then lifts the bonnet and peers in. In a little while he is off again; but now a real accident upsets him. The chairs are strewn about and TOAD lies panting in the wreckage. BADGER lifts an eye, glances at him and goes on with his paper. MOLE comes in. He looks at TOAD.
MOLE
Tut-tut. Again?
BADGER (still reading his paper)
The third crash this morning. There seems to be a good deal of traffic on the road today.
Poor old Toad.
BADGER
I always warned you, my dear Mole, that in these cases the poison takes a long time to work itself out of the system. But we're improving; we're improving daily. Let me see. It's Rat's turn to be on guard this morning, isn't it?
MOLE
Yes. (He helps TOAD up.) Lean on me, old fellow. That's right. Lie down a bit. (He assists him towards a camp bed in the corner of the room.) You'll be better directly. I dare say Rat will read to you if you ask him.
TOAD (weakly)
Thank you, my dear friend, thank you. Don't let me be a burden to you.
MOLE
That's all right, Toady. We'll soon get you well.
BADGER
What do you say to a bit of a ramble along the hedgerows, Mole? And there's a new burrow I want to show you. I must say I like being out in this sort of weather.
MOLE (eagerly)
Just what I was going to suggest. I wish old Ratty could come too. I suppose . . . (He looks across at TOAD.)
No, no, it wouldn't be safe. (In a whisper) Toad's quiet now, and when he is quiet, then he's at his artfullest. I know him.
MOLE
Yes, I suppose so. But it's such an exciting sort of day. Rat would love it so.
(Enter RAT.)
RAT
Hallo, you fellows, not off yet?
BADGER
Just going. (He gets up.) Toad's quiet now. But keep an eye on him. I don't trust him.
RAT
That's all right.
MOLE (quietly to RAT)
I believe he's worse than Badger thinks. Look after him well, poor old Toad.
RAT
That's all right.
BADGER (at the door)
Coming, Mole?
Coming. Poor old Ratty, it is a shame being kept in like this. Still we all have our turns.
RAT
Of course we do. Good luck to you.
MOLE
Good-bye!
BADGER
Are you coming, Mole?
MOLE
Coming. Good-bye! Good-bye, Toad!
TOAD (faintly)
Good-bye, dear old Mole.
MOLE (ecstatically)
What a morning! I don't think I ever remember—
BADGER (severely)
When I was young we always had mornings like this.
(They go out. RAT, after getting into an easier coat, turns his attention to TOAD.)
RAT
Well, how are you today, old chap?
Thank you so much, dear Ratty. It is good of you to inquire. But first tell me how you are yourself?
RAT
Oh, I'm all right.
TOAD
I'm glad. I'm glad. And the excellent Mole?
RAT
Oh, he's all right.
TOAD
Splendid, splendid. And the venerable Badger? He, I trust, is in robust health also?
RAT
Rather. He and Mole have gone out for a ramble together. They won't be back till lunch.
TOAD
Ah. (Very faintly) Dear fellows all.
RAT
Now, old boy, we're going to have a jolly morning together, so jump up and I'll do my best to amuse you.
TOAD
Dear, kind Rat, how little you realize my condition, and how very far I am from jumping up now, if ever. But do not trouble about me. I hate being a burden to my friends, and I do not expect to be one much longer.
RAT
Well, I hope not too. You've been a fine bother to us all this time, you have really, Toad. Weeks and weeks. And now, in weather like this, and the boating season just beginning. It's too bad of you!
TOAD
I'm a nuisance to my friends, I know, I know.
RAT (wistfully)
I was thinking about my river yesterday evening, and I—I wrote a little poem. (Shyly) Do you think you would like to hear it?
TOAD
As you will, my dear Ratty. It may comfort my last hours.
RAT (eagerly)
It's about the ducks. I used to have such fun with them. You know when they stand on their heads suddenly, well, then I dive down and tickle their necks, and they come up all spluttering and angry, and shaking their feathers at me. Of course they aren't angry really, because it's all fun. And then I used to sit on the bank in the sun and pretend I was coming in after 'em again, and— (He breaks off suddenly and announces) "Ducks' Ditty."
Through the rushes tall,
Ducks are a-dabbling,
Up tails all!
Yellow feet aquiver,
Yellow bills all out of sight
Busy in the river!
We like to be
Heads down, tails up.
Dabbling free!
Swifts whirl and call,
We are down a-dabbling,
Up tails all!
(He looks in front of him, seeing it all.)
TOAD (with a deep sigh)
Thank you. I am glad to have heard it. Ratty?
RAT (waking from his reverie)
Yes?
TOAD
I wonder if I could bother you. But no, you have been too kind already.
Why, what is it? You know we'd do anything for you, all of us.
TOAD
Then could I beg you, for the last time probably, to step round to the village as quickly as possible, even now it may be too late, and fetch the doctor?
RAT (surprised)
But—
TOAD
No, you're right. It's only a trouble, and perhaps we may as well let things take their course.
RAT
But what do you want a doctor for?
TOAD
Surely you have noticed . . . but no, why should you? Noticing things is only a trouble. Tomorrow, indeed, you may be saying to yourself, "Oh, if only I had noticed sooner! If only I had done something. Too late, too late!" Forget that I asked. Naturally you want to go on with your poetry. Have you ever done anything in the way of epitaphs?
RAT (alarmed)
Look here, old man, of course I'll fetch a doctor to you if you really want one. But it hasn't come to that yet. You're imagining. Now let's talk about something more cheerful.
TOAD (with an angelic expression)
I fear, dear friend, that talk can do little in a case like this, or doctors either, for that matter. Still one must grasp at the slightest straw. And by the way, while you are in the village, I hate to bother you, but I fancy that you pass the door—would you mind asking my lawyer to step up? There are moments, perhaps I should say there is a moment, when one must face disagreeable tasks, at whatever cost to exhausted nature. Thank you, my dear fellow, thank you. You will not be forgotten. (He closes his eyes.)
RAT
A lawyer! He must be bad. (Aloud) All right, Toad, I'll go.
(He makes his preparations to go out, glancing from time to time at the unconscious TOAD as he does so. Then a brilliant idea occurs to him.)
RAT (loudly)
I'm going now, Toad.
TOAD (faintly, his eyes closed)
Thank you, thank you.
RAT
I'll bring the doctor and the lawyer, and we'll be back as quickly as we can.
You're a good fellow, Ratty.
RAT
Good-bye, old boy. Keep your spirits up.
TOAD
Good-bye.
(Humming a time and making a good deal of noise, RAT goes out. Then very quietly he steals back again and peers round the door, TOAD is apparently still on the verge of dissolution. RAT nods to himself in satisfaction with his strategy; TOAD'S illness is obviously genuine. We hear him as he starts through the Wild Wood, singing "Ducks' Ditty" to himself. As the song dies in the distance, TOAD opens an eye. Then the other eye. He raises his head and listens. He sits up in bed, still listening. Then with a laugh he jumps up and takes the floor.)
TOAD (boastfully)
Ha, ha, ha! Smart piece of work that! (He chatters to himself as he collects his coat, gloves, goggles, money and other accessories of outdoor life.) Brain against brute force; and brain came out on the top, as it's bound to do. Poor old Ratty. My! Won't he catch it when Badger gets back! A worthy fellow, Ratty, with many good qualities, but very little intelligence and absolutely no education. I must take him in hand some day and see if I can make something of him. (He is ready now; as he goes to the door he begins to sing. Really a most conceited song.)
As history books have showed;
But never a name to go down to fame
Compared with that of Toad!
(He is singing the last line as be opens the door. Then with a triumphant "Poop-poop! Poop-poop!" be disappears.)