Toad of Toad Hall/Act 2, Scene 2
Scene 2
BADGER'S HOUSE
Scene. BADGER'S underground home. The room which we see is one of those delightful mixtures of hall, kitchen, drawing room, dining room, larder and pantry. In the middle of the room, says Mr. Kenneth Grahame, but we shall probably put it to one side, stands a long table of plain boards on trestles, with benches drawn up to it. There is a big open fireplace with high-backed settles on each side; an armchair in which the owner can read The Times, and is now so doing. The floor is brick. From the rafters hang hams, nets of onions and bundles of herbs. In short, a place where heroes can feast after victory, harvesters keep their Harvest Home with mirth and song, and two or three friends sit about as they please in comfort and content. There are three doors, labelled FRONT DOOR, BACK DOOR, and STUDY. At a knocking on the back door a convulsion passes over The Times; at a second knocking it stands on end; and at a third MR. BADGER comes out from behind the leading article. Grumbling to himself, for his after-supper nap has been disturbed, he goes to the door.
Well, well, well, what is it, what is it? (A collection of field mice, half a dozen of them in red mufflers, stand nervously shuffling at the entrance.)
FIRST FIELD MOUSE (huskily)
Oh, please, Mr. Badger, did you want any carols?
BADGER
Any what? Speak up!
FIRST FIELD MOUSE (swallowing)
Carols.
BADGER
Let's have a look at them.
SECOND FIELD MOUSE (striking up)
"Good King Wenceslas looked out—"
BADGER
Oh, I thought you said carrots. Run along, all of you. Time you were in bed.
SECOND FIELD MOUSE
"Good King Wenceslas looked out—"
BADGER
And if you come round disturbing me again, you'll have to look out. Now then, off you go.
Oh, please, Mr. Badger, we always used to sing carols to Mr. Mole, and he used to ask us in, and give us hot drinks, and supper too sometimes.
SECOND FIELD MOUSE (proudly)
We had steak-and-kidney pudding once.
FIRST FIELD MOUSE
That's right, sir.
SECOND FIELD MOUSE
Real steak-and-kidney pudding with kidney in it.
FIRST FIELD MOUSE
That was Mr. Mole, sir. Down at Mole End. Always asked us in, Mr. Mole did.
BADGER
Ah! Mole did, did he? And Mole is a very sensible young animal. I have great hopes of Mole. Well, run away now, but come back in twenty minutes when I'm not so busy, and perhaps I'll let you sing me the—what did you call it?
FIELD MICE (eagerly)
Carol.
BADGER
Carol. I thought you said carrot. Well, then, you can sing me the one that Mr. Mole liked, and if I like it too, I won't say that perhaps there won't be a bit of hot something for one or two of you, the ones that don't snuffle, that is, and—
Oh, thank you, Mr. Badger.
BADGER
Now then, run along, there's good children. (They run along.) So Mole likes carols, does he? (He goes back to his chair, and covers his face up again.) Likes carols, does he? (He breathes heavily.) Carols. . . . Thought he said carrots. (He snores. . . . But he is not to sleep long. This time it is the front-door bell which rings; again and again. There is a hammering, too, at the door. Very much annoyed, BADGER gets to his feet.)
BADGER
All right, all right, all right! What is it, who is it? (He opens the front door.) Speak up!
RAT
Hallo, Badger. It's me, Rat, and my friend Mole, and we've lost our way in the snow. Mole's that tired you never did.
BADGER
Well, well, well. Rat and his friend Mole. (He brings them in.) Come along in, both of you, at once. Why, you must be perished! Well, I never! Lost in the snow. And your friend that tired. Well, well. And in the Wild Wood at this time of night! (He pats their heads paternally.) I'm afraid you've been up to some of your pranks again, Ratty. But come along in. There's a good fire here, and supper and everything.
MOLE (as he sees the supper-table)
Oo, I say! (He nudges RAT in an anticipatory sort of way.)
Now what will you do first? Toast your toes a bit? (He removes The Times.) I was just glancing at the paper. Or supper now and toast your toes afterwards? It's all ready. I was expecting one or two friends might drop in.
MOLE (shyly)
I think I should like supper at once, please, Mr. Badger.
BADGER
That's right, Mole. Sensible animal. And what about you, Rat?
RAT (who is standing with his back to the fire, as an old friend should)
Just as you like. Fine old place this, isn't it, Mole?
MOLE (already among the plates)
Grand. (He sits down to it. RAT fetches himself a sandwich and gets his back to the fire again. BADGER, in an armchair, beams upon them kindly.)
BADGER (to RAT)
Won't your friend try some of those pickles?
RAT
Try a pickle, Mole.
MOLE (his mouth full)
Thanks. (He helps himself.)
BADGER (solemnly, after a silence broken only by the noise of eating)
I've been wanting to see you fellows because I have heard very grave reports of our mutual friend, Toad.
RAT (sadly)
Oh, Toad. (He shakes his head.)
MOLE (as sympathetically as he can with a mouth full of pickles)
Tut-tut-tut.
BADGER
Is his case as hopeless as one has heard?
RAT
Going from bad to worse. That's all you can say about him, isn't it, Mole?
MOLE (nodding busily)
Mmm. (Swallowing hastily.) That's all.
RAT
Another smash up only last week, and a bad one. You see, since he's got this motor craze, he will insist on driving himself, and he's hopelessly incapable. If he'd only employ a decent, steady, well-trained animal, pay him good wages and leave everything to him, he'd get on all right. But no, he's convinced he's the greatest driver ever, and nobody can teach him anything. And so it goes on.
MOLE
And so it goes on.
And so it goes on. (After a pause) How many has he had?
RAT
Cars or smashes? Oh well, it's the same thing with Toad. The last was the seventh.
MOLE
He's been in hospital three times, and as for the fines he's had to pay—
RAT
Toad's rich, we all know, but he's not a millionaire. Killed or ruined, it will be one or the other with Toad.
BADGER
Alas! Alas! I knew his father. I knew his grandfather. Many's the time— (A sob chokes him.) Alas, poor witless animal!
MOLE (still busy)
You really ought to try a slice of this beef, Rat.
RAT
No thanks, really.
MOLE
Don't know when I've tasted better.
RAT (to BADGER)
Oughtn't we to do something? We're his friends.
Yes, you're right. The hour has come.
MOLE (anxiously)
What hour?
BADGER
Whose hour, you should say. Toad's hour. The hour of Toad.
RAT (quietly)
Well done, Badger. I knew you'd feel that way too.
MOLE (firmly)
We'll teach him to be a sensible Toad.
BADGER
At any moment another new and exceptionally powerful motor car will arrive at Toad Hall for approval or return. We must be up and doing ere it is too late.
RAT
That's right, Badger. We'll rescue the poor unhappy animal. We'll convert him. He'll be the most converted Toad that ever was before we've finished with him.
BADGER
The first step is to get him here and reason with him. You know how it is. In the present weather I don't go about much. Naturally.
Of course not.
MOLE
Of course not.
BADGER
But once Toad is here—
RAT
How to get him, that's the problem.
BADGER (gravely)
Let us apply our minds to it.
(They apply their minds. Absent-mindedly, while thinking, MOLE helps himself to beef. Suddenly the bell rings loudly.)
BADGER
Whoever's that? (He shuffles off to the door and as he opens it TOAD falls into his arms, panting with fear.)
RAT (in surprise)
Why, it's Toad!
MOLE
Hallo, Toad, you ought to try some of this beef.
RAT
Why, what's the matter? (TOAD, supported by BADGER, falls limply into a chair and sits there panting.) Another accident? (TOAD shakes his head.) That's something.
TOAD (still panting a little)
Ah, Ratty, my dear old Ratty, and my good friend Mole, how badly I seemed to need your help just now. What would I not have given to have had you by my side. As it was, I had to do the best I could without you. Fortunately it was enough. But as you see, it has exhausted me somewhat.
RAT
What's happened? Wild Wooders?
TOAD (warming to it)
An unfortunate breakdown in my car, a loose nut, some trifling mishap, left me stranded at the edge of the wood, far from home. I bethought me of my good friend Mr. Badger; he would lend me a sleeping suit and put me up for the night. As I came whistling through the wood, recking nought of danger, I was suddenly seized upon by a gang of rascally ferrets. I set about them lightheartedly, at the most there were no more than a dozen of them, when suddenly, to my horror, they were reinforced by a posse of scoundrelly weasels. It was then, Ratty, and my dear friend Mole, that I wished I had your assistance. Twelve of the rascals, yes (He is now standing up, legs straddled, and enjoying himself immensely.) but twenty-four of them is a different matter. If only you and Mole could have taken a couple of them off my hands, there might have been a different story to tell. As it was, a rear guard action was forced upon me. Step by step . . . (He realizes a faint hostile something in the air, particularly from the direction of BADGER. He goes on less confidently.) Step by step . . . (He looks from one to the other, hoping for a little encouragement, but the atmosphere is now really terrible; nobody could tell even the simplest story in it. He makes a last desperate effort.) Step by step . . .
BADGER (solemnly)
Won't you sit down again, Toad?
TOAD (meekly)
Thank you.
RAT
Would you care to be nearer the fire?
TOAD (faintly)
No, thank you.
MOLE
Let me put your gloves down for you.
TOAD
It's all right, thank you.
BADGER (to RAT)
The moment has come, I think, don't you?
RAT
I think so.
You agree?
MOLE
Yes. (He sighs.)
TOAD (uneasily)
I say, you fellows, what's all this? (He catches BADGER'S eye and is silent again.)
BADGER (solemnly)
Toad. I knew your father, worthy animal that he was; I knew your grandfather. It was also my privilege to be slightly acquainted with your uncle, the Archdeacon; of that I shall speak further directly. The question I wish to ask you now is this. At the beginning of the breathless story of adventure to which we have just been listening, you mentioned (He pauses dramatically.) a motor car. You implied further that this motor car had suddenly lost its efficiency. Am I right in supposing that just at this moment your narrative hovered for an instant on the confines of truth?
TOAD (sulkily)
What do you mean?
RAT
Really, Toad, he couldn't have put it more plainly.
BADGER
I asked you, Toad, if it is indeed a fact that your eighth motor car is now in as fragmentary a condition as the previous seven?
TOAD (sulkily)
I had a little accident.
BADGER
Thank you. (To RAT) Then I think that in that case we may begin the treatment?
RAT
Yes, I think so.
BADGER (to MOLE)
You agree?
MOLE
Yes.
TOAD
I say, you fellows—
BADGER
Toad! (TOAD looks at him.) Rise from your chair a moment. (TOAD rises.) Rat, Mole, may I trouble you a moment? (He indicates that he wants TOAD'S chair in a position where he can be harangued better. They rise to move it.) Thank you. . . . There, I think. . . . Perhaps just a trifle more to the left. . . . Thank you. Toad! (He points to the chair and TOAD meekly creeps into it.)
This is all for your good, Toady old man.
BADGER
Now then, first of all take those ridiculous goggles off.
TOAD (plucking up courage)
Shan't! What is the meaning of this gross outrage? I demand an instant explanation.
BADGER
Take them off then, you two.
RAT (as TOAD looks like showing fight)
It's all for your own good, Toady old man. We've been talking it over for hours. Might as well take it quietly.
MOLE
We don't like doing it, Toad, really we don't. It's only because we are so fond of you. (They remove the goggles.)
BADGER
That is better. It was thus that your father knew you. It was thus that your grandfather, had he survived a year or two longer, would have known you. Now then, Toad. You've disregarded all the warnings we've given you, you've gone on squandering the money your father left you, and you're getting us animals a bad name in the district by your furious driving and your smashes and your rows with the police. We have decided, my friend Ratty here and Mole and I, that it is time we saved you from yourself. I am going to make one more effort to bring you to reason. You will come with me into my study, and there you will hear some facts about yourself. I say the study, because on second thoughts I have decided, for the sake of your revered grandfather, to spare you the pain of a public reproof. Come!
TOAD (meekly)
Yes, Badger. Thank you, Badger. (They go out together.)
RAT
That's no good! Talking to Toad will never cure him. He'll say anything.
MOLE
Yes. (He sighs.)
RAT
We must do something.
MOLE
Yes. (He sighs again.)
RAT (looking at him suddenly)
What's the matter, old fellow? You seem melancholy. Too much beef?
MOLE (bravely)
Oh, no, it isn't that. It was just—no, never mind, I shall be all right directly. (He wipes away a tear.)
Why, whatever is it?
MOLE
Nothing, Ratty, nothing. I was just admiring Badger's great big house and comparing it with my own little home, which—which I haven't seen lately. Just comparing it, you know, and thinking about it; and thinking about it, and comparing it. Not meaning to, you know. Just happening to—think about it.
RAT (remorsefully)
Oh, Mole.
MOLE (in a sudden burst)
I know it's a shabby, dingy little place; not like your cozy quarters, or Toad's beautiful Hall, or Badger's great house. But it was my own little home and I was fond of it; and I went away and forgot all about it. And since we've been down here it's all been coming back to me. Perhaps it's the pickles. I always had Military Pickles too. I shall be better soon. I don't know what you'll think of me.
RAT (patting him on the back)
Poor old Mole. Been rather an exciting day, hasn't it? And then the same sort of pickles. Tell me about Mole End. We might go and pay it a visit tomorrow if you've nothing better to do.
MOLE
It wouldn't be fine enough for you. You're used to great big places and fine houses. I noticed directly we came in how you stood with your back to the fire so grandly and easily, just as if it were nothing to you.
RAT
Well, you tucked into the beef, old chap.
MOLE
Did I?
RAT
Rather. Made yourself quite at home. I said to myself at once, "Mole is used to going out," I said. "Weekend parties at big country houses," I said, "that's nothing to Mole," I said.
MOLE (eagerly)
Did you really, Ratty?
RAT
Oh, rather. Spotted it at once.
MOLE
Of course there were features about Mole End which made it rather, rather . . .
RAT
Rather a feature?
MOLE
Yes. The statuary. I'd picked up a bit of statuary here and there. You'd hardly think how it livened the place up. Garibaldi, the Infant Samuel and Queen Victoria, dotted about in odd corners. It had a very pleasing effect, my friends used to tell me.
RAT (heartily)
I should like to have seen that, Mole, I should indeed. That must have been very striking.
MOLE
It was just about now that they used to come carol singing.
RAT
Garibaldi and the others?
MOLE
The field mice.
RAT
Oh yes, of course.
MOLE
Quite an institution they were. They never passed me over. Always came to Mole End last, and I gave them hot drinks and supper sometimes, when I could afford it.
RAT
Yes, I remember now hearing about it, and what a fine place Mole End was.
MOLE (wistfully)
Did you? It wasn't very big.
Between ourselves, I don't much care about these big places. Cozy and tasteful, that's what I always heard about Mole End.
MOLE (squeezing RAT'S paw)
You're a good friend, Ratty. I like being with you.
RAT
Good old Mole.
(They are happily silent together. Suddenly, faint and far-off and sweet, a carol can be heard, "the carol that Mr. Mole liked.")
MOLE
There they are!
(They listen raptly. When it is over they give a little sigh, for it is time now to get back to business. The door opens and BADGER comes in, leading by the paw a very dejected TOAD.)
BADGER (kindly)
Sit down there, Toad. (TOAD sits down.) My friends, I am pleased to inform you that Toad has at last seen the error of his ways. He is truly sorry for his misguided conduct in the past, and he has undertaken to give up motor cars entirely and forever in the future. I have his solemn promise to that effect.
Oh Toad, I am glad!
RAT (doubtfully)
H'm!
BADGER
There is only one thing which remains to be done. Toad, I want you solemnly to repeat before your friends here what you fully admitted to me in the study just now. First, you are sorry for what you have done and see the folly of it all?
(There is an anxious silence.)
TOAD (suddenly)
No! I'm not sorry. And it wasn't folly at all. It was simply glorious!
BADGER (horrified)
What?
MOLE
Toady!
RAT
I thought so.
BADGER
You back-sliding animal, didn't you tell me just now in there—
Oh yes, yes, in there. I'd have said anything in there. You're so eloquent, dear Badger, and so moving, and so convincing, and put all your points so frightfully well; you can do what you like with me in there. But, thinking it over out here, I see that I am not a bit sorry really, so it's no earthly good saying I am, now is it?
BADGER
Then you don't promise never to touch a motor car again?
TOAD
Of course I don't. On the contrary, I faithfully promise that the very first motor car I see, poop-poop, off I go in it!
RAT (to MOLE)
I told you so.
BADGER
Very well then. Since you won't yield to persuasion, we'll try what force can do. I feared it would come to this all along. You'll stay with me, Toad, until a cure has been effected. My friends, Rat and Mole, will also stay with me and help me to look after you. It's going to be a tedious business but we will see it out. (He takes down a large key from the wall and picking up the lantern, leads the way to the guest chamber.) Bring him along. (They bring him along. The procession goes slowly, and on TOAD'S part reluctantly, out.)