Toad of Toad Hall/Act 2, Scene 1
ACT II
Scene 1
THE WILD WOOD
Scene. The middle of the Wild Wood. It is an awesome place in the moonlight with the snow thick upon the ground, cold, silent, threatening. Yet not altogether silent, that is the worst of it. You feel that there are hidden watchers behind the trees, waiting to jump out at you. You hear, or seem to hear, their stealthy movements. There is a sudden rustling, and then silence. A twig cracks. Somebody is breathing.
Now at last we can recognize somebody. It is TOAD, in motoring gloves and goggles, coming anxiously through the trees, with many a sudden stop and furtive glance over his shoulder. We can hear, and he hears too, a murmur of unseen voices, which rises in a sort of chant until at last we can distinguish the words.
Down with the popular, successful Toad!
TOAD (alarmed)
W-what's that?
Pah!
(Dead silence.)
I said Pah! (Nervously) A-and Bah! (Loudly) Bah! (There is an echoing "Bah.") What's that? (Again the echo of the last word comes back to him, and he laughs, but a little uneasily.) Silly of me. Just an echo. Something to do with the acoustics. I must tell Rat. He'd be interested.
CHORUS (softly)
Toad! Toad! Down with Toad!
Down with the gallant and courageous Toad!
TOAD (sharply)
Who said that?
(Mocking laughter answers him.)
I can see you.
(Dead silence.)
Very funny, aren't you? I suppose you think I'm afraid? (Loudly) I said I suppose you think I'm afraid? (There is an echoing "afraid.") There you are, it's nothing. Just an echo. Listen. (Hand to mouth) Rat!
(Dead silence.)
Perhaps it doesn't work sometimes. Something to do with the direction of the wind. I'll try again (Very loudly) RAT!
A SOLEMN VOICE
Mole! (And then a burst of laughter.)
CHORUS (in quick, businesslike time)
Toad! Toad! Down with Toad!
Down with the terrified and timorous Toad!
C-c-come and do it. C-come and do it if you dare. (The mocking laughter again) Yes, that's all you can do, laugh. Anyone can laugh. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Very funny, isn't it?
A VOICE
Where are you going, Toad?
TOAD
Never you mind where I'm going. I'm going to see Badger, that's where I'm going. (More confidently as he thinks of Badger) My friend, Mr. Badger. I'm calling on my old and valued boon companion, the fierce and terrible Badger. (Loud laughter)
A LOW VOICE
Where are you going to, my pretty Toad?
A HIGH VOICE
Just a little way down the road.
A LOW VOICE
Why are you wearing your bonnet and shawl?
A HIGH VOICE
Because I am paying an evening call.
A LOW VOICE
Knock at the door, for here's the house.
A HIGH VOICE
Ah! Good evening, Mr. Mouse.
(There is another burst of laughter.)
Badger doesn't live here, Toad.
TOAD (desperately, greeting an imaginary friend)
Yes, he does; there he is. Ah, my dear Badger, how are you? No, not at all. Yes, delighted, quite so, no, yes, not in the least. Fancy! Ha, ha! Well, yes, just a little walk through the wood. Oh, do you think so? And you're looking splendid yourself. Never saw you look fiercer. (Loudly) I said fiercer! (As he goes off) This way, my dear Badger!
A VOICE
Good-bye, Toad.
A HIGH VOICE (answering)
Good-bye!
A VOICE
Good-bye, Mouse.
A SQUEAKY VOICE (answering)
Good-bye!
(There is a last shout of laughter as TOAD disappears.)
CHORUS (softly)
Toad! Toad! Down with Toad!
Chilblains and Mumps to the Miserable Toad!
Toad! Toad! Down with Toad!
Frostbite and Hiccups to the Miserable Toad!
(The chant goes on, a murmur of unseen voices whose words we can no longer distinguish. In a little while we can hear nothing, and yet it seems that at any moment we shall hear something. No wonder that MOLE, limping through the trees, keeps looking over his shoulder.)
MOLE (hopefully)
Ratty! (In sudden panic) What's that? (The movements stop.) Pooh! It's nothing. I'm not frightened. . . . I do wish Ratty was here. He's so comforting, is Ratty. Or the brave Mr. Toad. He'd frighten them all away. (He seems to hear the sound of mocking laughter.) What's that? (He looks round anxiously.) Ratty always said, "Don't go into the Wild Wood." That's what he always said. "Not by yourself," he said. "It isn't safe," he said. "We never do," he said. That's what Ratty said. But I thought I knew better. There he was, dear old Rat, dozing in front of the fire; and I thought if I just slipped out, just to see what the Wild Wood was like—(He breaks off suddenly and darts round, fearing an attack from behind. There is nothing.) I should be safer up against a tree. Why didn't I think of that before? (He settles himself at the foot of a tree.) Ratty would have thought of it, he's so wise. Oh, Ratty, I wish you were here. It's so much more friendly with two. (His head droops on his chest.)
A VOICE (from far off)
Moly! Moly!
MOLE (waking up suddenly)
What's that?
Moly!
MOLE (frightened)
Who is it?
A VOICE
Moly! Moly! Moly! Where are you? It's me. It's old Rat.
(RAT appears; a lantern in his hand, a couple of pistols in his belt, and a cudgel over his shoulder.)
MOLE (almost in tears)
Oh, Rat! Oh, Rat!
RAT (patting him on the back)
There, there, there.
MOLE
Oh, Ratty, I've been so frightened, you can't think.
RAT
I know, I know. You shouldn't have gone and done it, Mole. I did my best to keep you from it. We River Bankers hardly ever come, except in couples.
MOLE
But you've come by yourself. Ah, but then that's because you're so brave.
It isn't just bravery, it's knowing. There are a hundred things you have to know which we understand about, and you don't as yet. I mean passwords and signs, and sayings which have power and effect, and plants you carry in your pocket, and verses you repeat backwards, and dodges and tricks you practice; all simple enough if you know them, but if you don't, you'll find yourself in trouble. Of course if you're Badger it's different.
MOLE
Surely the brave Mr. Toad wouldn't mind coming here by himself?
RAT (laughing)
Old Toad? He wouldn't show his face here alone, not for a whole hatful of guineas, Toad wouldn't.
MOLE
Oh, Rat! It is comforting to hear somebody laugh again.
RAT
Poor old Mole. What a rotten time you've had. Never mind, we'll soon be home now. How would a little mulled ale strike you, after you've got into slippers, of course? I made the fire up specially.
MOLE
You think of everything, Ratty.
Well, shall we start?
MOLE
Oh, Ratty. I don't know how to tell you, and I'm afraid you'll never want me for a companion again, but I can't. I simply can't go all that way now.
RAT
Tired?
MOLE
Aching all over. Oh, Ratty, do forgive me. I feel as if I must just sit here for ever and ever and ever, I'm not a bit frightened now you're with me. And—and I think I want to go to sleep.
RAT
That's all right. But we can't stop here. (He looks round about him.) Suppose we go and dig in that mound there, and see if we can't make some sort of a shelter out of the snow and the wind, and have a good rest. And then start for home a bit later on. How's that?
MOLE (meekly)
Just as you like.
RAT
Come on, then.
(He leads the way to the mound, and MOLE, following, trips up suddenly and falls over with a squeal.)
Oh, my leg! Oh, my poor shin! Oo!
RAT
Poor old Mole, you don't see to be having much luck today, do you? What is it? Hurt your shin? Let's have a look at it.
MOLE
I must have tripped over a stump or something. Oh my. Oh my.
RAT
It's a very clean cut. That was never done by a stump. Looks like the sharp edge of something metal. Funny.
MOLE
Well, never mind what done it. It hurts just the same whatever done it.
RAT
Wait a moment. (He begins scratching in the snow.)
MOLE
What is it?
RAT
I thought so.
MOLE (still nursing his leg)
What is it?
Come and see.
MOLE (hobbling up)
Hullo, a door scraper! How very careless of somebody.
RAT
But don't you see what it means?
MOLE (sitting down again and rubbing his shin)
Of course I see what it means. It means that some very forgetful person has left his door scraper lying about in the middle of the Wild Wood just where it's sure to trip everybody up. Somebody ought to write to him about it.
RAT
Oh, Mole, how stupid you are. (He begins scratching busily again.) There! What's that?
MOLE (examining it closely)
It looks like a door mat.
RAT
It is a door mat. And what does that tell you?
MOLE
Nothing, Rat, nothing. Who ever heard of a door mat telling anyone anything? They simply don't do it. They are not that sort at all. They—what have you found now?
(RAT, still at it, has now disclosed a solid-looking little door, dark green, with a brass plate on it.)
There! (He fetches the lantern and holds it up to the plate.) What do you read there?
MOLE (awestruck)
"Mr. Badger. Seventh Wednesdays."—Rat!
RAT (proudly)
What do you think of that?
MOLE
Rat, you're a wonder, that's what you are! I see it all now. You argued it out step by step from the moment when I fell and cut my shin, and you looked at the cut, and your majestic mind said to itself, "Door scraper." Did it stop
there? No. Your powerful brain went on working. It said to itself—
RAT (impatiently)
Yes, yes, well now let's—
MOLE (going on sleepily and happily)
Your powerful brain said to itself, "Where there's a scraper, there must be a mat."
RAT
Quite so. And now—
MOLE
"I have noticed before," said the wise Mr. Rat,
"That where there's a scraper there must be a mat."
And did you stop there? No. Your intellect still went on working. It said grandly to itself, "Where there's a door mat there must be a door."
RAT
Exactly. And now that we've found it—
MOLE
Said the wise Mr. Rat, "I have noticed before,
That where there's a door mat there must be a door."
You know, Rat, you're simply wasted here amongst us fellows. If I only had your head—
RAT
But as you haven't, I suppose you are going to sit on the snow and talk all night. Now wake up a bit and hang on to this bellpull, while I hammer.
MOLE (sleepily)
Oh, all right.
Said the wise Mr. Rat, "I have often heard tell
That where there's a bellpull there must be a bell."
(He hangs on to the bellpull, while RAT hammers on the door with his cudgel. Down in MR. BADGER'S house a deep-toned bell responds.)