The Relations of the Sexes (Duffey)/Chapter 1

WHEN the student of social economy first sets out upon his investigations, the difficulties which beset his path—the intricate problems to be solved—the seeming contradictions to be reconciled—the crooked things to be made straight—will at times well-nigh dishearten and dismay him. Then will it be, if ever, that his faith will fail him, and he will be tempted to cry out:—"there is no God!"—so hopelessly entangled, so utterly left to chance, do the affairs of this world seem to his inexperienced judgment. Many a man, and woman too, has turned back in despair, doubting if there be goodness anywhere, even in infinite goodness itself. Alas! for such, if they find not within themselves germs of goodness and purity, which they may accept as a token that all good has not died out of the world. Only the utterly depraved willingly give the world over to wickedness, and declare there is no help for it.

What a perplexing tangle do we find, when we take into our hands the meshes which society, and custom, ​and tradition, and false forms of religion, and ignorance, and human perverseness generally, have woven and knotted together! No wonder, as we look at it, there seems no unravelling. But patience, careful study of the past, close analysis of cause and effect, and a firm hold on that faith in infinite goodness and justice which shall be our stay through the long hours of trial and doubt, will at last enable us to see the knotted mesh loosening, and the threads of divine purpose lying smoothly and evenly side by side, showing that if human performance reached its highest capabilities, they might be woven into a perfect and beautiful web.

The times seem tending toward disintegration. Our social structures somehow do not appear so secure as formerly. Not that we are really expecting them to totter, and crumble away, but somehow they seem to need defending—even excusing. We show a disposition to prop them up, as it were, so that they shall at least last our own time out. "After us the deluge."

I question whether we have a right to take this temporizing attitude. We do not live for ourselves and our generation alone. Each of us lives for all time; and the generation to which we belong is a block in the mighty structure of humanity.

Let us have the courage to look things squarely in the face. A temporizing policy is always a short-sighted and an expensive one. If we are conscious of defects in our social institutions, it will be wisdom in us to try to ​remedy these defects. It will not serve us as an excuse that there are no more defects during this generation than during the one just past. The responsibility is thrown upon us by the fact of self-accusation. Perhaps our predecessors did not feel this, and so escaped culpability. If the defects are not remediable, let us bravely tear down the whole structure, and build anew. This is the course which wisdom would dictate, and which only a short-sighted folly would hesitate in taking.

Something is radically wrong in our social systems. When we have admitted this, we have, if we are true men and women, pledged ourselves to do what we can to better them. And so we are each trying to better them in our own narrow, blind, uncertain ways. One class of people is sure that the trouble is owing to the facility with which divorces are obtained, and cites the good old times before they were thought of, when married couples consequently (?) were contented and happy. Another, and a very honorable, and not altogether foolish class, thinks it is because women are deprived of the ballot, that the affairs of the world do not move smoothly; and predicts the incoming of the millennium when this shall be granted them. I hope women may receive the ballot in the fulness of time, but I doubt if our careening social ship will right itself immediately in consequence. One old gentleman of my acquaintance is certain that all social troubles have come about by the general modern disregard of the injunction, "wives obey your husbands;" while he tries, ​with tolerable success, to make amends for the remissness of an entire generation, in his own domestic circle.

A certain class of self-styled reformers attacks marriage itself, as the fundamental cause of all the evils which are incident to it, and declares that people will reach a state of supreme earthly happiness only when the legal bond, with its duties and responsibilities, is done away with. These "reformers" hold that when prostitution becomes universal, then it will be no longer prostitution, and no longer disgraceful, but honorable; that all homes are "little hot hells;" that husband and wife are but other names for master and slave. As to the children born of the indiscriminate and ephemeral unions which these "reformers" sanction, if they do not recommend, well, everybody knows that prostitutes are not as a class very prolific, and what few children happen to be born, why, let the state take care of them. A beautiful doctrine, no doubt, if one sees it from the proper standpoint. Yet heaven help the world when we all reach that standpoint!

But atrocious as this doctrine really is, there is a specious reasoning about it, which has caused it to be listened to by a class of excellent and undoubtedly moral people, who, recognizing existing evils, and anxious to do away with them, eagerly seize the first remedy proposed, without pausing to judge, and perhaps without the capacity of judging, of its efficacy. There are certain people who are ready to declare that they will listen to truth, even though it be promulgated by the devil himself ​Very well. But if the devil, with characteristic cunning, manages to mix up so much error and sophistry along with his right reasoning, that it would take his match to separate the good from the evil, I think it would be well for all honest people to stop their ears whenever he opens his lips.

Many people with better hearts than heads, and especially the young—in fact the large class of humanity to whom a half-truth assumes the full proportions of a whole truth—are listening to and adopting the doctrines of" free love" so called. With many of the listeners there is no danger of their practicing the doctrines they are convinced they have accepted. Not so with the young. Youth does not theorize or moralize; it acts; and unless something is said and done to counteract the baleful effect of these pernicious doctrines, a wave of sin and folly may sweep over this generation, which shall leave its marks for all time.

But what is to be said? What can be done? The subject reaches us in the streets: it confronts us in our home circles. It stares at us from the pages of our papers and periodicals. We cannot ignore it if we would. As men and as women we must listen, and we must decide.

Has not the time come when silence on these topics is no longer justifiable, even though one would prefer not to speak? Surely, no woman, who hears these doctrines on the lips of the young, or, still worse, on those of maturer ​years, will choose to keep silent. She must speak, though all the proprieties apparently forbid her.

But do they? Seriously, and after mature reflection, I think not. The subject which is here to be discussed is one that concerns the lives of all of us—something that closely touches our most sacred interests. He must be a hypocrite indeed who can live in act that which he dare not hear discussed in words. So my language shall be reverent, but plain, that no one shall misunderstand me.

Let no one who goes into the details of the murder and crim. con. suits; let no one who reads Ouida's novels with a relish; who has turned the pages of "Cometh up as a Flower," and "Red as a Rose is She;" or who has revelled in the sensualities of Swinbourne's "Laus Veneris," put on the frown of prudery at anything I may say in these pages. I am only going to discuss topics which form the basis of nine-tenths of the novels of the day, which are read with delight and approval by a large and not even wicked class of readers. I am going to discuss them with this difference: in the novels and the poems which I have specially mentioned, the ideas are presented in a voluptuous guise, purposely shaped to inflame the blood, and make sin attractive and excusable; what I shall say will prove about as much a stimulant to passion as a cold shower bath. They dress vice up, and use such flowery language about it, that it really passes for virtue: I shall not hesitate, where there is need of it, to use the words which the meaning calls for, undisguised by poetry or sentiment.

​Men have written, and written well, upon these subjects; but their books were masculine books, and only gave one view after all. Even when they have tried to be just to women, they have failed in a greater or lesser degree, because they failed to comprehend the nature of women. Some few women have written, too, and their books are exceedingly valuable, inasmuch as they give the womanly side; yet for just this reason they are equally unreliable. The truth must lie somewhere between the two. Is it possible to arrive at this truth? It is possible, I think, for a woman—more so than for a man. First of all, a woman, in writing upon social subjects, has so much more data to work from. She has the whole masculine side elaborated in its every phase, all ready to her hand. She has only to study that side, and try the value of the different points by her own feminine instincts—make harmony where she can, compromise where she must,—and there is the truth. Women have furnished so little data on their side of the social question, that men are apt to forget that there is a feminine side, or at least are tempted or obliged to guess at it. And men never did make a very good guess at the nature of women. They lack that faculty which women possess in a high degree, of putting themselves in another's place, as Charles Reade expresses it. One who writes on this subject must try, for the time being, to be both man and woman in thought and feeling.

No one who approaches the subject of social economy can afford to pass slightingly by any theory ​however absurd it may in itself seem, which has a hold upon any considerable class of people. To study the subject properly, and with any certainty of arriving at a satisfactory result, it is necessary to go to the very basis of things. It is necessary to forget, not only that one is a woman, but, for the time being, that one is American, that one is Christian, that one is even civilized. All forms and modes and ideas of social life must be considered and compared, without prejudice or reserve. One must be prepared to discern error, not because some form of religion pronounces it such, but because it is antagonistic to the fundamental laws of Nature, upon which are based all laws of morality and religion. The form of reasoning in this case must not be: "It is wrong, because the bible says so:" But "the bible says it is wrong, because the laws of Nature say so, and the laws of Nature are established by God." One must try to shake off all pre-conceived opinions and long-cherished prejudices, and be prepared to accept the truth in whatever shape it makes its appearance, even though our whole social fabric fall, and the votaries of free love hold revel amid its ruins; or though Brigham Young stands forth as its exponent, and polygamy and the servitude of woman are to go hand in hand to the end of the world.

As I stated at the beginning of this chapter, it takes a certain amount of bravery to set out in quest of truth, if we really wish to find her. Most people who think they are seeking for truth, are only trying to trick out ​some pet theory of their own in her robes, so that it shall pass with themselves and others as real truth; and they dare not scrutinize it too closely, lest they discover their self-deception. Yes, it takes undaunted courage and unwavering faith to dare to look for truth everywhere, and to be prepared to acknowledge her. Faith is a kind of knowledge in itself. It knows that any and everything which implies wrong to one of God's creatures, cannot be right, even though an angel descended from heaven and proclaimed it. It knows that there is everywhere harmony between the laws of nature, no matter how they may seem to conflict with one another. This is the faith required at starting in the consideration of this question, or the true end will never be reached.

What is the question of the most importance to-day? It is that which I propose to discuss in the pages of this book:—The true relation of the sexes one to the other, the duties and obligations which these relations impose, and the privileges which they confer;—the existing relations which are at variance with the true ones, and how these wrong relations may be righted. As man is by nature sinful, the world will probably only be set perfectly right in theory. Yet there are many practical reforms which are needed, and which must come; and those of us who think these matters out to their ultimate conclusions, can, after setting our own little worlds right, give a word of help and cheer to our neighbors, and thus do our small share in the great work.