The Heptameron (Machen)/Novel 28

It fell out that when King Francis, first of the name, was in the town of Paris, and with him his sister the Queen of Navarre, that she had a secretary named John, who was by no means in the number of those who let a crumb fall to the ground without picking it up. So greedy a fellow was he, that there was nor president, nor counsellor, nor merchant, nor wealthy man that he did not often visit. And about that time there came to the said town of Paris a merchant of Bayonne, named Bernard du Ha, as much for his occasions as for the advice and help therein of the high sheriff, who was a countryman of his. The Queen of Navarre's secretary often went to see this officer, as one who was a good servant to his master and mistress, and going there on a saint's day he found neither the master nor his ​wife, but very plainly heard Bernard du Ha, who with some kind of a viol was teaching the serving-maids to dance the Gascon fling. And when the secretary saw him he would have him believe that he was committing a great offence, and that if the mistress of the house and her husband were advised of it they would take it in very bad part. And after setting the fear of this well before his eyes, the Gascon at last prayed him not to speak of it. Whereupon the secretary asked him: "What will you give me if I keep silence?" Bernard du Ha, whose fear was by no means as great as his pretence, for he perceived the other was minded to cozen him, promised to give him a pasty of the best Basque ham he had ever tasted. The secretary, well pleased at this, asked that he might have the pasty the following Sunday, after dinner, which was promised him. And trusting to this promise he went to see a lady of Paris, whom above all things he desired to have to wife, and said to her: "Fair mistress, if it be your pleasure I will sup with you on Sunday, and have you no care save to provide good bread and good wine, for I have so deceived a blockhead from Bayonne that the remainder of the feast will be at his charges, and by my deceit you shall eat as fine a Basque ham as ever was in Paris." The lady, believing him, called together two or three of the neighbouring gentlewomen whom she loved, and gave them assurance of tasting a dish altogether new to them.

When the Sunday was come, the secretary, looking for his merchant, at last found him on the Pont-au-Change, and graciously accosting him, said: "Begone a twenty devil way for the toil you have given me to find you." Bernard du Ha replied that many a man had taken more pains than he, who at last had not such a dainty dish for his reward. So saying he showed the pasty, which he carried under his cloak, huge enough to feed an army. So joyous thereat was the secretary that, though his mouth was of a monstrous size, he made it so small that one would not have thought he could have chewed the ham with it. So forthwith taking it, without bringing the merchant with him, he carried it to the lady, who was mighty curious to know whether the provaunt of Gascony equalled that of Paris. And when soup had been brought in and they were eating it, the secretary said to them: "Leave ​that mawkish fare, and let us taste this lovely whet for wine." So saying he opened the great pasty, and thinking to find the ham found it so hard that he could not set his knife into it, and after striving to do this several times he was advertised of the cozenage, and discovered his ham to be a wooden shoe, such as they wear in Gascony, with a firebrand for knuckle, and all powdered with iron-rust and sweet-smelling spices. Who then was chapfallen but master secretary, as much for that he was deceived of him he thought to deceive, as that he had deceived her to whom he wished most of all to speak the truth; and, beside all this, a supper of soup was by no means to his liking. The ladies, well-nigh as angry as he, would have accused him of the fact had they not been well assured, by the manner of his countenance, that he was more wrath than they. So after this light refection the secretary went away in a great rage, and seeing that Bernard du Ha had broken his promise, he was determined to cry quits with him, and betook himself to the sheriff's house, resolved to say the worst he could of the aforesaid Bernard. But he came not there so soon as the merchant, who had opened to his countryman the whole matter, and he mocked the secretary, telling him that he had cozened a Gascon to his cost, and this was the only consolation he got from him.

"Such misadventures befall many who, thinking themselves exceeding crafty, are overmatched in craftiness; wherefore let us do unto others as we would they should do unto us." "I do assure you," said Geburon, "that I have often known like cases have like issues, and seen men esteemed simple country folk deceive your brave city wit; for there is no greater fool than he that thinks himself wise, nor any wiser than he who knows his nothingness." "Certainly," said Parlamente, "he something knows who knows he nothing knows." "Now," said Simontault," "for fear lest time be wanting to us to complete the tale, I give my vote to Nomerfide, for sure am I that her tricks of rhetoric will keep us no long time." "And I will give you," said she, "that which you hope for of me. It is no matter of wonderment to me, ladies, that love gives a prince means to save himself from peril, for he has been brought up among such a knowing sort of people that I should be mightily astonished if he were found wanting in such cases. But it is ​in lovers of dull wit that love manifests its power of invention, and to that intent I will relate you a pretty matter done by a priest with love alone to help him; for of all else he was so ignorant that he could scarce read his missal."