The Heiress (Burgoyne, 1786)/Act 5, Scene 3

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Miss Alscrip.I am delighted at this summons from Sir Clement, Blandish; poor old clear-sight, I hope he has projected a reconciliation.

Mrs. Blandish.How I rejoice to see those smiles returned to the face that was made for them!

Miss Alscrip.Return'd, Blandish? I desire you will not insinuate it ever was without them—Why sure, you would not have the world imagine the temper of an Heiress of my class, was to be ruffled by the loss of a paltry earl—I have been highly diverted with what has passed from begin­ning to end.

Mrs. Blandish.Well, if good humour can be a fault, sure the excess you carry it to must be the example.

Miss Alscrip.I desire it may be made known in all companies, that I have done nothing but laugh—nay, it is true too.

Mrs. Blandish.My dear creature, of what con­sequence is the truth, when you are charging me with the execution of your desires.

Miss Alscrip.Could any thing be more divert­ing than my Lord's intriguing with my chamber­maid before marriage, that must be your cue.

Mrs. Blandish.Excellent!

Miss Alscrip.The design was in rule, and found­ed upon the best precedents—only the time, in the news-paper phrase, was premature, he! he! he!

Mrs. Blandish.He! he! he!

Miss Alscrip.And then the airs of the moppet—Could any thing be more ridiculous?

​Mrs. Blandish.The rivalship you mean—Rival, Miss Alscrip—He! he! he! [Half laugh.

Miss Alscrip.Yes, but when you take this tone in public, laugh a little louder.

Mrs. Blandish.Rival, Miss Alscrip, ha! ha! ha!

Both.Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

Mrs. Blandish. (wiping her eyes as not quite reco­vered from her laugh.)For mirth's sake, what is become of the rival?———Who will you chuse she shall have run away with?

Miss Alscrip.Leave it in doubt as it is; fixing circumstances confines the curiosity to one story which may be disproved; uncertainty leaves it open to an hundred, and makes them all probable. But I hear some of the company upon the stairs: Now, Blandish—You shall be witness to the tem­per and dignity, with which a woman of my con­sequence can discard a quality courtship that of­fends her—Having sufficiently mortified the Un­cle and Nephew, with a triumphant raillery all my own, I shall request Lady Emily to set the Paphian mimp upon the family disappointment, and leave them together to the exercise of the patience that usually attends the loss of a hundred thousand pounds.

Mrs. Blandish.Sweet temper'd soul!

Sir Clement.Miss Alscrip, your——— [As he's beginning to say your humble servant.

Blandish.The duel's over, and the combatants in whole skins—Never ran so fast since I was born———

​Sir Clement.—To be too late by some mi­nutes in your intelligence. I know you feel the disappointment from the sincere affection you bear all parties.

Miss Alscrip.Duel!—Pray let us hear the par­ticulars—As there is no mischief I shall not faint. [Ironically.

Sir Clement.I guess it has been of the common place kind.—Hats over the brows—glum silence—thrust—parry—and riposte—Explain, and shake hands: Your man of honour never sets his friend right, till he has exchang'd a shot—or a thrust: Oh, a little essence of steel or gunpowder, is a morning whet to the temper: It carries off all qualms, and leaves the digestion free for any thing that is presented to it.

Miss Alscrip.Dear, how fortunate! Considering the pills some folks have to swallow.

Sir Clement.Blandish, see if the door of Clifford's room is yet unlocked, there is a person within you little expect to find, and that it may be pro­per for this lady, and me to interrogate together.—I don't know what to call her—Inexplicability in petticoats. (The door opens) and

Blandish.Lady Emily!

Sir Clement.Inexplicable, with a vengeance.

Miss Alscrip. (aside)Lady Emily, shut up in Clifford's apartment! Beyond my expectation, indeed. [With a malicious air.

Sir Clement. (dryly)Lady Emily I know you were always cautious whom you visited, and never gave a better proof of your discernment.

​Lady Emily.Never—oh! my poor dear uncle you little think what is going to befall you.

Sir Clement.Not a disappointment in love, I hope.

Lady Emily.No, but in something much nearer your heart—your system is threaten'd with a blow, that I think, and from my soul I hope, it never will recover: would you guess that the sagacious observations of your whole life are upon the point of being confounded by the production———

Sir Clement.Of what?

Lady Emily.A woman of ingenuous discre­tion, and a man of unaffected intregrity.

Sir Clement.Hah!

Mrs. Blandish.What can she mean?

Miss Alscrip.Nothing good—she looks so pleasant.

Lady Emily.Come forth, my injur'd friend. Our personal acquaintance has been short, but our hearts were intimate from the first sight (pre­senting her) Your prisoner, Sir, is Miss Harriot Clifford.

Sir Clement.Clifford's sister!

Miss Alscrip.What, the run-away Alton, turned into a sprig of quality.

Lady Emily. (disdainfully to Miss Alscrip.)The humble dependant of Alscrip's house—The wan­ton—the paragon of fraud—the only female that can equal Clifford (tauntingly to Sir Clement) She is indeed! (with emphasis and affection)

Blandish. (aside)Oh, rot the source of the family fondness—I see I have no card left in my favour—but the Heiress. (Goes to her and pays court.) (During this conversation, aside, Lady ​Emily seems encouraging Miss Clifford—Sir Clement musing, and by turns examining her.)

Sir Clement. (to himself)"Ingenuous discre­tion!"

Clifford.My dearest Harriot! the joy I pur­posed in presenting you here, is anticipated; but, my blameless fugitive! relate the tale of your distresses, and my pride in you will not be a won­der.

Miss Clifford.They have been short—and are overpaid by your indulgence. Insulted by the fami­ly I liv'd with; made more wretched by a detested pursuit which my uncle's violence enforc'd, and confident of your being returned, I fled to Lon­don for an asylum.

Sir Clement.Which has been admirably chosen in my house.

Clifford.Sir, I really think so. Lady Emily's generosity, your justice, and my sister's honour make it sacred. (While Clifford is speaking)

Sir Clement. (perceiving Lord Gayville)And peculiarly secure against the visits of this detested pursuer.

Lord Gayville. (with rapture)Her persecutor and her convert. Her virtues which no humility could conceal, and every trial made more resplen­dant, discover'd, disgraced, and reclaimed a liber­tine.

Miss Clifford.How am I distress'd—what ought I to answer?

Lord Gayville.Impressed sentiment upon de­sire, gave honour to passion, and drew from my ​soul a vow, which heaven chastise me when I vio­late, to obtain her by a legal, sacred claim, or renounce fortune, family and friends, and become a self-devoted outcast of the world.

Miss Clifford.Oh! brother, interpose.

Sir Clement.My Lord, your fortune, family, and friends are much oblig'd to you. Your part is perfect—Mr. Clifford you are call'd upon. Miss, in strict propriety, throws the business upon her relations—Come finish the comedy; join one of her hands to the gallants, while, with the other, she covers her blushes—and he in rapture delivers the moral. All for Love, or, the World well Lost. (Miss Clifford still appears agitated.)

Clifford.Be patient, my Harriot, this is the school for prejudice, and the lesson of its shame is near.

Miss Alscrip.I vow these singular circumstan­ces give me quite a confusion of pleasure. The astonishing good fortune of my late Protegée in finding so impassion'd a friendship in her brother's bed-chamber; the captivating eloquence of Lord Gayville in winding up an eclaircissement which I admire—not for the first time—to day—and the superlative joy, Sir Clement must feel at an union, founded upon the purity of the passions, are sub­jects of such different congratulation, that I hardly know where to begin.

Lady Emily. (aside)Charming!—her insolence will justify what so seldom occurs to one—a severe retort without a possible sense of compunction.

Miss Alscrip.But in point of fortune—don't imagine, Sir Clement, I wou'd insinuate that the Lady is destitute—oh Lord, far from it. Her ​musical talents are a portion—I can't say I have yet seen a countess open a concert for her own benefit; but there can be no reason why a woman of the first quality should not be directress of the Opera—Indeed, after all that has happen'd, it is the best chance I see for a good administration there.

Alscrip.Why stop a moment—Mr. Rightly; 'Death after chasing you all over the town, don't be so impatient the instant I overtake you.

Sir Clement.What have we here—the lawyers in dispute?

Alscrip (entering.)You have not heard my last word yet.

Rightly (entering.)You have heard mine, Sir.

Alscrip (whispering.)I'll make the five thousand I offer'd, ten.

Rightly.Millions wou'd not bribe me—(coming forward.) When I detect wrong, and vindicate the sufferer, I feel the spirit of the Law of England, and the pride of a practitioner.

Alscrip.Lucifer confound such practices. (In this part of the scene, Sir Clement, Lord Gayville, Lady Emily, Clifford, and Miss Clifford, form one groupe.)

Alscrip.That cursed! cursed flaw.———

​Miss Alscrip.Flaw! who has dared to talk of one? not in my reputation, Sir?

Alscrip.No, but in my estate, which is a damn'd deal worse.

Miss Alscrip.How! what?—when!—where?—The estate that was to be settled upon me?

Alscrip.Yes, but that me, turn'd topsy turvey—when me broke into my room this morning, and the devil followed to fly away with all my faculties at once———I am ruin'd———Let us see what you will settle upon your poor father.

Miss Alscrip.I settle upon you?

Mrs. Blandish.This is an embarrassing acci­dent.

Miss Alscrip.Yes, and a pretty help you are, with a drop chin like a frontispiece to the lamen­tations.

Rightly (coming forward with Sir Clement.)I stated this with some doubt this morning, but now my credit as a lawyer upon the issue.—The Heiress falls short of the terms in your treaty by two thousand pounds a year—which this deed, lately and providentially discover'd, entails upon the heirs of Sir William Charlton, and con­sequently, in right of his mother, upon this gentleman.

Lady Emily.How!

Lord Gayville.Happy disappointment.

Sir Clement (aside.)Two thousand a year to Clifford! It's pity for the parade of disinterested­ness, that he open'd his designs upon Emily, be­fore he knew his pretensions.

Lady Emily (aside.)Now, if there were twenty ceilings, and as many floors, could not I find a spot to settle my silly looks upon.

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(Then turning towards Alscrip) Palm a false title upon me? I shou'd have thought the attempt beyond the collective assurance of Westminster-hall—and he takes the loss as much to heart as if he bought the estate with his own money.

Alscrip (with hesitation.)Sir Clement—what think you—of an amicable adjustment of all these businesses?

Sir Clement (ironically.)Nothing can be more reasonable. The value of Miss Alscrip's amiable disposition, placed against the abatement of her fortune, is a matter of the most easy computa­tion; and to decide the portion, Mr. Clifford ought to relinquish of his acquisition—Lady Emily—will you be a referée?

Lady Emily (aside.)Yes, the Lynx has me—I thought I should not escape—(to him.) No, Sir; my poor abilities only extend to an amicable en­deavour here. (to Miss Alscrip) And really, Miss Alscrip, I see no reason for your being dispirit­ed, there may be many ready made titles at market, within the reach of your purse. Or, why should not a woman of your consequence originate her own splendour? there's an old ad­mirer of mine—He wou'd make a very pretty lord—and indeed, wou'd contribute something on his own part to ease the purchase—The Blan­dish family is well with all administrations, and a new coronet is always as big again as an old one. I don't see how you cou'd lay out part of your independency to more advantage.

Blandish (aside.)Yes, but since flaws are in fashion, I shall look a little into things before I agree to the bargain.

​Lady Emily.And if you replace this part of your family, (pointing to Miss Clifford) by mak­ing an humble companion of your old gentle­man, I protest, I do not see any great alteration in your affairs.

Miss Alscrip (aside.)I'll die before I'll discover my vexation—and yet, (half crying) no title—no place.

Lady Emily.Depend upon it, Miss Alscrip, your place will be found exactly where it ought to be. The public eye in this country is never long deceiv'd—Believe me—and cherish obscurity———Title may bring forward merits, but it also places our defects in horrid relief.

Miss Clifford.You seem to expect something from me, Miss Alscrip—Be in no pain for any thing that has pass'd between us—My pity has entirely overpower'd my resentment.

Alscrip.Molly, the sooner we get out of court the better—we have damnably the worst of this cause, so come along Molly (taking her under the arm)—and farewel to Berkley-square. Whoever wants Alscrip's house, will find it in the neigh­bourhood of Furnival's-Inn, with the noble title of Scrivener, in capitals—Blank bonds at the windows, and a brass knocker at the door (pulling her.) Come along Molly.

Miss Alscrip. (half crying) (aside)Oh! the barbarous metamorphosis—but his flusterums for a week, will serve my temper, as a regimen. I will then take the management of my affairs into my own hands, and break from my cloud anew: and you shall find (to the company) there are those with­out a coronet, that can be as saucy, and as loud, and stop the way in all public places as well as the ​best of you. (Lady Emily laughs) Yes, Madam, and without borrowing your Ladyship's airs.

Alscrip (pulling her.)Come along, Molly.

Miss Alscrip.Oh you have been a jewel of a fa­ther. (The company laugh.)

[Exeunt Mr. and Miss Alscrip.

Blandish. (aside)What a cursed turn things have taken! My schemes evaporate like inflam­mable air, and down drops poor adventurer.

Lady Emily.Mrs. Blandish, sure you do not leave your friend, Miss Alscrip, in distress?

Mrs. Blandish.We'll not disturb the ashes of the dead—my sweet Lady Emily—

Blandish.None of your flourishes, my dear sister—they already think you a walking dedication—When we can't escape a situation, the only way is to brave it—So let them tell us we are sycophants.—be it so—then we are the best friends society has. Flattery is the diet of good humour, and not one of you can live without it, and when you quarrel with the family of Blandish, you leave refin'd cookery to be fed upon scraps, by a poor cousin, or a led captain—(taking his sister under his arm.)

Mrs. Blandish. (as she goes off)Oh the two charming pair. [Exit with Blandish.

Lord Gayville.Precious groupe, fare ye well (to Sir Clement.)And now, Sir, whatever may be your determinations towards me—here are pretensions you may patronize without breach of discretion. The estate which devolves to my friend———

Rightly.To prevent errors, is not his to be­stow.

​Sir Clement.What now—more flaws?

Rightly.The estate was his beyond the reach of controversy: but before he was truly sure of it, on his way to Hyde-Park did this spendthrift, by a stroke of his pen, divest himself of every shil­ling—Here is the covenant by which he binds himself to execute proper conveyances as soon as the necessary forms can be gone through.

Lord Gayville.And in favour of whom is this desperate act?

Rightly.Of a most dangerous seducer—a little mercenary, that when she gets hold of the heart, does not leave an atom of it our own.

All.How!

Rightly. (with feeling.)And there she stands; (pointing to Miss Clifford) with a look and an emotion that wou'd condemn her before any court in the universe.

Lady Emily.Glorious—matchless Clifford!

Miss Clifford.Brother, this must not be.

Clifford.Your pardon, my dear Harriet, it is done. Sir Clement, my sister's fortune is still far short of what you expected with Miss Alscrip; for that deficiency, I have only to offer the virtues, Lord Gayville has proved, and the affection she found it easier to control than to conceal. If you will receive her, thus circumstanced, into your family, mine has been an acquisition indeed.

Lady. Emily. [Coming up to Sir Clement.]Now, Sir, where's suspicion! Where is now the ruling principle that governs mankind! Thro' what per­spective, by what trial, will you find self-interest here? What, not one pithy word to mock my credulity!—Alas! poor Yorick—quite chop-fallen.—Forgive me, Sir, I own I am agitated to ex­travagance—You thought me disconcerted at the ​first discovery; I am delighted at the last, there's a problem in my disposition worthy your solving.

Sir Clement. [Who has been profoundly thought full]Mr. Rightly, favour me with that paper in your hand.

Rightly.Mr. Clifford's engagement, Sir, [Gives the paper, Sir Clement looks it over and tears it.]What do you mean, Sir?

Sir Clement.To cancel the obligation, and pay the equivalent to Gayville, or if Clifford will have his own way and become a beggar by renewing it, to make an heiress of my own for his reparation—and there she stands [pointing to Lady Emily] With sensibility and vivacity so uncommonly blended, that they extract benevolence where ever it exists, and create it where it never was before—Your point is carried—You may both fall upon your knees, for the consent of ladies.

Lord Gayville. [to Miss Clifford.]In this happy moment, let my errors be forgot, and my love alone remember'd.

Miss Clifford.With these sanctions for my avowal—I will not deny that I saw and felt the sincerity of your attachment, from the time it was capable of being restrained by respect.

Clifford.Words are wanting, Lady Emily———

Lady Emily.I wish they may with all my heart, but it is generally remarked that wanting words, is the beginning of a florid set speech—To be seri­ous, Clifford—We want but little explanation on either side—Sir Clement, will tell you how long we have conversed by our actions. [Gives her hand] My dear Uncle, how a smile becomes you in its natural meaning.

Sir Clement.If you think me a convert, you are mistaken, I have ever believ'd self to be the pre­​dominant principle of the human mind—My heart at this instant confirms the doctrine—There's my problem for yours, my dear Emily, and may all who hear me agree in this solution—to reward the deserving, and make those we love happy, is self-interest in the extreme.