The Heiress (Burgoyne, 1786)/Act 4, Scene 1

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Que diable vent dire tout ca—vat devil, all dis mean?—Monsieur Alscrip enrage'—Ma­damoiselle Alscrip fly about like de dancing fury at de Opera—My littel musicienne, shut up, and in de absence of Madame, I keep de key of de littel Bastille—By gad, I vou'd rader have de custody of my pretty prisoniere than the whole college of cardinals—but vat have we here?

Sir Clement (speaking to a servant) Mr. Alscrip not at home, no matter—we'll wait his return—The French Valet de Chambre (to Clifford)—It may be of use to make acquaintance with him—Monsieur, how do you like this country?

Chignon.Ver good contree Sire, by and bye—when you grow a little more poor.

Sir Clement.Is that a Parisian rule for im­provement?

Chignon.Yes, Sir, and we help you to follow our example—In good times you hang, and you drown—In bad time you vill be like us.—Al­way poor—alway gay—forget your politics—laugh at your grievances—take your snuff, vive la dissipation,—ver good country.

Sir Clement.Thanks for your kind advice, Mon­sieur, you Frenchmen are so obliging, and so communicative to strangers—I hear there is a ​young lady come into this family—we don't exactly know in what capacity—could not you contrive that she shou'd pass through this room—or———

Chignon (aside.)By gar here be one more old rake after de littel musicienne.

Sir Clement.Only for curiosity,—we never saw her, and have particular reasons—(gives money.)

Chignon.Ma foi, your reasons be ver expressive (aside)—but vat devil shall I do—open de cage of my little Rosignol—my pretty nightingale—no. Chignon—no—(looking out) ah, hah! La Tiffany—Now for de politique—begar I undertake your business—and make you de dupe of de per­formance. [Exit with a sign to Sir Clement.

Sir Clement.So—Clifford—There goes as disinterested a fellow now as any in Europe.—But hark you—Can you yet guess the purpose for which I brought you here?

Clifford.I profess, Sir, I am in the dark. If it concerns Lord Gayville's secret.———

Sir Clement.Namely, that I have discovered, without your assistance, that this Dulcinea has started up in the shape of Miss Alscrip's musical companion—Her name is Alton, (leering) I tell it you, because I am sure you did not know it—or if you had—a friend's secret ought to be sacred; and to keep it from the only person, who by knowing it cou'd save him from destruction, would be a new exercise of your virtue.

Clifford.Sir, you will not know me.———

Sir Clement.Tut, tut, don't do me such in­justice—Come, all delicacy being over by my having made the discovery, will you talk to this girl?

Clifford.For what end, Sir.

​Sir Clement.If you state yourself as Lord Gayville's friend, she will converse with you more readily, than she wou'd with me—Try her—find out what she is really at—If she proves an impostor of the refined artifice I suspect, that puts on humility to veil her purpose, and chastity to effect it—leave her to me—if she has no hold upon him but her person, I shall be easy.

Clifford.Sir, let my compliance convince you how much I wish to oblige you. If I can get a sight of this wonder, I promise to give you my faithful opinion of my friend's danger.

Sir Clement.Leave her with this gentleman—Come Monsieur, you shall shew me the new room. [Exit.

Chignon. (aside.)Vid dis gentleman—Vid all my heart—La Tiffany vill answer his purpose, and mine too. [Exit. Clifford is looking at the furniture of the room.

Tiffany.What does the Frenchman mean by gentlemen wanting me, and his gibberish of mak­ing soft eyes—I hope I know the exercise of my eyes without his instruction—hah! I vow, a clever looking man.

Clifford. (seeing Tiffany.)A good smart girl; but not altogether quaker-like in her apparel, nor does her air quite answer my conception of a goddess.

Tiffany. (aside.)How he examines me! so much the better—I shall lose nothing by that, I believe.

​Clifford.Faith a pretty attracting countenance—but for that apprehensive and timid look—that awe impressing modesty, my friend so for­cibly describ'd.

[Tiffany adjusts herself and pulls up.]

Clifford (aside)There is no judging of that wonderful sex by rational rules—Her silence marks diffidence; deuce take me if I know how to begin for fear of offending her reserve.

Tiffany (aside.)I have been told pertness be­came me—I'll try, I'm resolved. (to him) I hear, Sir, you had something to say to a young person of this house—that—that—(looking down at the same time archly) I cou'd not but take the descrip­tion to myself—I am ready to hear any thing a gentleman has to say.

Clifford (aside.)Thank my stars, my scruples are relieved.

Tiffany.Am I mistaken, Sir? Pray whom was you enquiring after.

Clifford.Oh! certainly you, my pretty stranger. A friend of mine has been robbed of his heart, and I see the felony in your looks.

Tiffany (simpering and coquetting.)Lord, Sir, if I had suspected you had come with a search war­rant for hearts, I wou'd have been more upon my guard.

Clifford (chucking her under the chin.)Will you confess, or must I arrest you?

Tiffany.Innocent, Sir, in fact, but not quite so in inclination—I hope your own is safe.

Clifford.And were it not, my smart unconscion­able, would you run away with that also.

Tiffany.Oh yes, and an hundred more; and melt them all down together as the Jews do stolen goods ​to prevent their being reclaim'd—Gold, silver and lead; pray, Sir of what metal may your's be?

Clifford. (aside)Astonishing! Have I hit upon the moment when her fancy outruns her art!—Or has it been Gayville's amusement to describe her by contraries? And are you really the young Lady that is the companion of Miss Alscrip, that makes such conquests at first sight.———

Tiffany.Sir, if you mean the young Lady who has been named, however undeservedly, the flow­er of this family; that appears sometimes at these windows; and to be sure has been followed home by gentlemen against her inclinations—Sir, you are not mistaken.

Clifford. (aside)It has been Gayville's madness or amusement then to describe her by contraries.

Tiffany.I hope, Sir, you are not offended, I wou'd not be impertinent, tho' I am not so taste­less as to shy.

Clifford.Offended, my dear? I am quite charm'd I assure you. You are just what I did not expect, but wished to find you. You had been represented to me so improperly.———

Tiffany. (with pertness.)Represented impro­perly! Pray, Sir, what do you mean?

Clifford.To rejoice in my mistake I promise you—Nay, and to set my friend right in his opi­nion, and so without further shyness on either part, let us be free upon the subject I had to talk over with you. You surely are not looking to lasting connections.

Tiffany. (with airs.)Sir, I don't understand you—I am not what you suppose, I assure you—Connections indeed—I should never have thought of that—my character—my behaviour, con­nexions, I don't know what the word signifies.

​Sir Clement. (without)Clifford—are you ready?

Clifford.I am at your orders, Sir.

Tiffany. (aside)Deuce take this interruption!

Sir Clement. (without)I shall not wait for Mr. Alscrip any longer.

Tiffany. (aside)Lud, lud, he gives me no time to come round again. (Runs up to him confusedly.) It's very true, Sir, I wou'd not do such a thing for the world, but you are a man of honour, and I am sure wou'd not give bad advice to a poor girl who is but a novice—and so, Sir. (Hears Sir Clement entering.) Put your proposal in writing and you may depend on having an answer. [Runs out.

Sir Clement.Well, Clifford, what do you think of her?

Clifford.Make yourself perfectly easy, Sir: This girl when known can make no impression on Lord Gayville's mind; and I doubt not but a silk gown and a lottery ticket, had they been offer'd as an ultimatum, wou'd have purchased her person.

Sir Clement. (With a dry sneer.)Don't you some­times, Clifford, form erroneous opinions of peo­ples' pretensions? Interest and foolish passion in­spire strange notions—as one or the other prevails, we are brought to look so low, or so high———

Clifford. (With emotion.)That we are compell'd to call reason and honour to our aid———

Sir Clement.And then———

Clifford.We lose the intemperance of our incli­nations in the sense of what is right.

Sir Clement. (aside)Sententious impostor! (to him) But to the point.

​Clifford.Sir, I wou'd please you, if I cou'd—I am thinking of a scheme to restore Lord Gayville to his senses, without violence or injury to any one of the parties.

Sir Clement.Let me hear it.

Clifford.Why the wench being cut short of marketing by word of mouth (which she was doing in all due form when you came in) desired me to write proposals. I am inclined to do so. We will shew the answer to Lord Gayville, and depend upon it, there will be character enough display'd to cure him of the sentimental part of his attach­ment.

Sir Clement.I like your idea—Sit down and put it into execution immediately——— [Clifford writes.

Sir Clement. (to himself.)He is quick at inven­tion—has a pretty turn at profession—A proud and peremptory shew of honour that wou'd over­power prejudices—Thank heaven, my opinions of knavery are convictions.

Clifford. (Writing.)I am sorry to detain you, Sir.

Sir Clement. (Looking at the furniture.)Oh! I am amusing myself better than you think—In­dulging an edifying contemplation among the tombs of departed estates—(Looking round the furni­ture, viz: closets that shew old writings tied up, shelves with boxes labelled mortgages, lease and re­lease, &c.) What mouldered skins that will ne­ver see day-light again, and that with a good he­rald wou'd vie with Westminster-abbey in holiday entertainment. For instance now, what have we here?—Hah! The last remains of Fatland priory—Once of great monastic importance: A proverb of pride, sloth, and hypocrisy. After the reforma­tion the seat of old English hospitality and bene​­volence—In the present century, altered, adorned, pull'd down, and the materials sold by auction.

Clifford.Edifying indeed, Sir; your comments are not lost.

Sir Clement.Here lie undisturbed in dust, the relicks of Court-baron castle, granted at the con­quest to the family of Loftimount. The last of this ancient race having won twenty-seven king's plates, and represented the county in six parlia­ments, after many struggles died of the pistol fe­ver—a disconsolate annuitant inscribed this box to his memory.

Clifford.Ha! ha! ha! (Rising.) I am quite concern'd to interrupt you, Sir, but you shall hear my letter, (reads.}} "You have captivated a young man of rank and fortune, but you are discover'd, and his ruin and yours wou'd be the consequence of pursuing any designs, that cou'd impede his proposed marriage with Miss Alscrip—Throw yourself upon the generosity of his family, and your fortune's made—Send your answer (and let it be immediate) to me at Sir Clement Flint's house—Yours, &c. &c.—

Sir Clement.It will do very well, our French friend is the man to deliver it, and to bring the answer. I am going home, you'll overtake me. [Exit.

Clifford. (Sealing the letter.)You come apropos. Monsieur (gives the letter with an air of mystery.) Have the goodness to put this letter into Miss Alton's own hands.

​Chignon. (to himself.)Madamoiselle Alton! Peste! My trick has not passed.

Clifford.To Miss Alton by herself—I am in all the secret.

Chignon. (to himself.)Devil take Tiffany for making you so wise.

Clifford.And you serve your Lady, when you serve me with Miss Alton—Monsieur, an answer as quick as possible—You will find me at Sir Cle­ment Flint's—it is only in the next street—and—you understand me— (shaking his purse.) Alerte, Monsieur. [Exit. Chignon.Understand you—Oui! da you talk de language universal (imitating his shaking the purse) I'entre vois, I begin to see something—By gad I vill give de letter, and try de inclination of Made­moiselle la Musicienne—if dis be de duette she vill play, it take her out of the vay of Alscrip, of Gayville, and of myself also—Vo la le malheur—there—de misfortune—eh bien—when love and interest come across—alway prefer de interest for to-day and take de chance of de love to-morrow—dat is de humour of France. [Exit.