The Heiress (Burgoyne, 1786)/Act 3, Scene 3

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Rightly.Upon all these matters, Mr. Alscrip, I am authorized by my client, Sir Clement Flint, to agree. There remains nothing but your fa­vouring me with the inspection of the Charlton title deeds, and your daughter's settlements may be engrossed.

Alscrip.I cannot conceive, my friend Rightly, any such inspection to be requisite. Have not I been in constant quiet possession?

Rightly.Sir Clement insists upon it.

Alscrip.A client insist! and you an old practi­tioner, suffer such a demur to your infallibility!—Ah! in my practice I had the sure means of dis­appointing such dabblers and divers into their own cases.

​Rightly.How, pray?

Alscrip.I read his writings to him myself—I was the best reader in Chancery-lane for setting the understanding at defiance—Drew breath but once in a quarter of an hour, always in the wrong place, and made a single sentence of six skins of parchment—Shall I give you a specimen?

Rightly. (Smiling)I have no doubt of your talent.

Alscrip.Then return to Sir Clement, and follow my example.

Rightly.No, Mr. Alscrip, tho' I acknowledge your skill, I do not subscribe to your doctrine. The English law is the finest system of ethics, as well as government, that ever the world produced, and it cannot be too generally understood.

Alscrip.Law understood! Zounds! wou'd you destroy the profession?

Rightly.No, I wou'd raise it. Had every man of sense the knowledge of the theory, to which he is competent; the practice wou'd revert to the purity of its institution, maintain the rights, and not promote the knavery of mankind.

Alscrip. (aside)Plaguy odd maxims.—Sure he means to try me.—(to him) Brother Rightly, we know the world, and are alone—I have lock'd the door (in a half whisper.)

Rightly.A very useless precaution. I have not a principle nor a proceeding that I wou'd not pro­claim at Charing-cross.

Alscrip. (aside)No! then I'll pronounce you the most silly, or the most impudent fellow of the fraternity.

Rightly.But where are these writings? You can have no difficulty in laying your hand upon them, ​for I perceive you keep things in a distinguish'd regularity.

Alscrip.Yes, I have distinct repositories for all pa­pers, and especially title deeds—Some in drawers— Some in closets—(aside) and a few under ground.

Miss Alscrip. (rattling at the door.)What makes you lock the door, Sir? I must speak to you this instant.

Alscrip.One moment child, and I'll be ready for you. (Turning again to Rightly as to dissuade him.)

Miss Alscrip. (Still rattling the door.)Don't tell me of moments—let me in.

Alscrip.Wheugh! What impatient devil pos­sesses the girl—Stay a moment I tell you—(Turns again to Rightly.)

Rightly. (cooly.)If the thoughts of the wedding-day makes any part of the young Lady's impati­ence, you take a bad way, Mr. Alscrip, to satisfy it; for I tell you plainly our business cannot be compleated till I see these writings.

Alscrip. (aside)Confound the old hound—how he sticks to his scent.

Alscrip.I am coming I tell you. (Opens a bureau in a confused hurry shuffles papers about, puts one into Rightly's hand.) There, if this whim must be indulged, step into the next room—You who know the material parts of a parchment lie in a nutshell, will look it over in ten minutes. (Puts him into another room.)

Miss Alscrip.I won't wait another instant what­ever you are about—Let me in.———

Alscrip. (opening the door.)Sex, and vehemence! What is the matter now?

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Miss Alscrip.So, Sir; yes, Sir; you have done finely by me indeed, you are a pattern for fa­thers—a precious match you had provided.

Alscrip.What the devil's the matter?

Miss Alscrip. (running on) I that with 50,000 independant pounds left myself in a father's hands—a thing unheard of, and waited for a husband with unparalleled patience till I was of age———

Alscrip.What the devil's the matter?

Miss Alscrip. (following him about.)I that at fourteen might have married a French Marquis, my governess told me he was—for all he was her brother———

Alscrip.Gad a mercy, governess———

Miss Alscrip.And as for commoners, had not I the choice of the market? And the handsome Irish Colonel at Bath, that had carried off six heiresses before, for himself and friends, and wou'd have found his way to Gretna-green blind­fold!

Alscrip. (aside)Gad I wish you were there now with all my heart—What the devil is at the bot­tom of all this?

Miss Alscrip.Why Lord Gayville is at the bot­tom—And your hussey that you were so sweet upon this morning, is at the bottom! a treacher­ous minx!———I sent her only for a little inno­cent diversion as my double———

Alscrip.Your what?

Miss Alscrip.Why my double, to vex him.

Alscrip.Double! this is the most useless attend­ant you have had yet.———Gad I'll start you ​single handed in the art of vexation against any ten women in England.

Miss Alscrip.I caught them, just as I did you.

Alscrip.Is that all? Gad I don't see much in that.

Miss Alscrip.Not much? what, a woman of my fortune and accomplishments turn'd off—re­jected———renounc'd———

Alscrip.How! renounc'd? has he broke the contract!—Will you prove he has broke the contract?

Miss Alscrip.Aye. Now my dear papa, you take a tone that becomes you; now the blood of the Alscrip's rises;—rises, as it ought; you mean to fight him directly, don't you?

Alscrip.Oh yes, I'm his man—I'll shew you a lawyer's challenge, sticks and staves, guns, swords, daggers, poinards, knives, scissars and bodkins. I'll put more weapons into a bit of paper, six inches square than wou'd stock the armory of the tower.

Miss Alscrip.Pistols!—Don't talk to me of any thing but pistols,—my dear papa, who shall be your second?

Alscrip.I'll have two—John Doe, and Richard Roe—as pretty fellows as any in England to see fair play, and as us'd to the dif­ferences of good company.—They shall greet him with their fieri facias—so don't be cast down, Molly, I'll answer for damages to indemnify our loss of temper and reputation—he shall have a fi-fa before to-morrow night.

Miss Alscrip.Fiery faces and damages—What does your Westminster-hall gibberish mean?—Are a woman's feelings to be satisfied with a ​fie-fa—you old insensible—you have no sense of family honour—no tender affections.

Alscrip.Gad you have enough for us both, when you want your father to be shot through the head—but stand out of the way, here's a species of family honour more necessary to be taken care of—If we were to go to law, this wou'd be a precious set off against us. (Takes up the deed as if to lock it up) This—why what the devil—I hope I don't see clear—Curse and confusion, I have given the wrong one—Here's fine work—Here's a blunder—Here's the effect of a woman's im­petuosity.

Miss Alscrip.Lord, what a fuss you are in; what is in the old trumpery scroll?

Alscrip.Plague and parchment, old Rightly will find what's in it, if I don't interrupt him—Mr. Rightly—Mr. Rightly—Mr. Rightly—(going to the door Rightly went out at.)

Servant.Sir, Mr. Rightly is gone.

Alscrip.Gone! whither?

Servant.Home, I believe, Sir—He came out at the door into the hall, and bade me tell your ho­nor you might depend upon his reading over the deed with particular care.

Alscrip.Fire, and fury, my hat and cane—(Exit Servant.) Here, my hat and cane (stamps about.)

Miss Alscrip.Sir, I expect, before you come home———

Alscrip.Death and devils, expect to be ruin'd—this comes of list'ning to you—The sex hold ​the power of mischief by prescription—Zounds—Mischief—Mischief—is the common law of womankind. [Exit in a rage. Miss Alscrip.Mercy on us—I never saw him more provok'd, even when my mother was alive. [Exit.