The Heiress (Burgoyne, 1786)/Act 3, Scene 1

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Thanks to Mrs. Blandish's inexhaustible talent for encomium, I shall be relieved from one part of a companion that my nature re­volts at. But who comes here? It's well if I shall not be exposed to impertinences I was not aware of.

Ma foi, la voila—I will lose no time to pay my addresse———Now for de humble maniere, and de unperplex assurance of my contrée (bowing with French shrug) (Miss Alton turning over new music books) Madamoiselle, est il permis? may I pre­sume, to offer you my profounde homage (Miss Alton not taking notice) Madamoiselle———if you vill put your head into my hands, I vill give a distinction to your beauty, that shall make you and me, de conversation of all de town.

Miss Alton.I request Mr. Chignon, you will devote your ambition to your own part of the compliment.

Mr. Alscrip (without)Where is my daughter?

Miss Alton.Is that Mr. Alscrip's voice, Mr. Chignon? It's aukward for me to meet him be­fore I'm introduc'd.

Chignon.Keep a little behind, Madamoiselle; he vill only passe de room—He vill not see through me.

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Hah, my daughter gone already, but (sees Chignon) there's a new specimen of foreign vir­min—A lady's valet de chambre—Taste for ever!—Now if I was to give the charge of my person to a waiting maid, they'd say I was indelicate, (as he crosses the stage, Chignon keeps sideling to in­tercept his sight, and bowing as he looks towards him) What the devil is Mounseer at? I thought all his agility lay in his fingers: what anticks is the monkey practising? He twists and doubles him­self as if he had a raree-show at his back.

Chignon (aside.)Be gar no raree-show for you, Monsieur Alscrip, if I can help.

Alscrip (spying Miss Alton.)Ah! ah! What have we got there? Monsieur who is that?

Chignon.Sir, my lady wish to speak to you in her bondoir. She sent me to conduct you, Sir.

Alscrip (imitating)Yes Sir, but I will first con­duct myself to this lady—Tell me this minute, who she is.

Chignon.Sir, she come to live here, companion to my lady—Madamoiselle study some musique—she must not be disturb'd.

Alscrip.Get about your business Monsieur, or I'll disturb every comb in your head—Go tell my daughter to stay till I come to her. I shall give her companion some cautions against saucy Frenchmen, sirrah!

Chignon (aside.)Cautious! peste! you are sub­ject a' cautions yourself—I suspecte you to be von old rake, but no ver dangerous rival. [Exit. Alscrip (to himself and lookng at her with his glass) The devil is never tired of throwing baits in my way. ​

By all that's delicious I must be better acquainted with her. (He bows. She curtsies, the music book still in her hand) But how to begin—My usual way of attacking my daughter's maids will never do.

Miss Alton. (aside)My situation is very em­barrassing.

Alscrip.Beauteous stranger, give me leave to add my welcome to my daughter's. Since Al­scrip House was establish'd, she never brought any thing into it to please me before.

Miss Alton. (a little confused)Sir, it is a great additional honour to that Miss Alscrip has done me, to be thought worthy so respectable a pro­tection as your's.

Alscrip.I cou'd furnish you with a better word than respectable. It sounds so distant, and my feelings have so little to do with cold respect—I never had such a desire—to make myself agree­able.

Miss Alton (aside.)A very strange old man. (To him more confused) Sir, you'll pardon me, I be­lieve Miss Alscrip is waiting.

Alscrip.Don't be afraid my dear, enchanting, diffident (zounds what a flutter am I in) don't be afraid—my disposition to be sure is too susceptible; but then it is likewise so dove-like, so tender, and so innocent. Come, play me that tune, and en­chant my ear, as you have done my eye.

Miss Alton.Sir, I wish to be excused, indeed it does not deserve your attention.

Alscrip.Not deserve it! I had rather hear you, than all the Italians in the Hay-market, even when they sue the managers, and their purses chink the symphony in Westminster Hall. (pre­senting the harp.)

​Miss Alton.Sir, it is to avoid the affectation of refusing what is so little worth asking for. (Takes the harp and plays a few bars of a lively air. Alscrip kisses her fingers with rapture.)

Alscrip.Oh! the sweet little twiddle-diddles!

Miss Alton.For shame, Sir, what do you mean. (Alscrip gets hold of both her hands, and continues kissing her fingers.)

Miss Alton. (struggling.)Help!

Miss Alscrip. (entering.)I wonder what my papa is doing all this time? (starts.) (A short pause.) Miss Alscrip surprised. Miss Alton confused. Alscrip puts his hand to his eye.

Alscrip.Oh, child! I have got something in my eye, that makes me almost mad.—A little midge—I believe.—Gad, I caught hold of this young lady's hands in one of my twitches, and her nerves were as much in a flutter as if I had bit her.

Miss Alscrip. (significantly.)Yes, my dear papa, I perceive you have something in your eye, and I'll do my best to take it out immediately—Miss Alton, will you do me the favour to walk into the drawing-room?

Miss AltonI hope, Madam, you will permit me, at a proper opportunity, to give my expla­nation of what has passed. (Retires.)

Miss Ascrip.There's no occasion—(Miss Alton being out of hearing) Let it rest among the cata­logue of wonders, like the Glastonbury thorn, that blooms at Christmas.—To be serious, papa—Though I carried off your behaviour as well as I cou'd, I am really shock'd at it—A man of your years, and of a profession where the opinion of the world is of such consequence—

​Alscrip.My dear Molly, have not I quitted the practice of attorney, and turned fine gentleman, to laugh at the world's opinion; or, had I not, do you suppose the kiss of a pretty wench wou'd hurt a lawyer? My dear Molly, if the fraternity had no other reflections to be afraid of!—

Miss Alscrip.Oh! hideous, Molly indeed! you ought to have forgot I had a christen'd name long ago; am not I going to be a countess? If you did not stint my fortune, by squand'ring your's away upon dirty trulls, I might be call'd your grace.

Alscrip.Spare your lectures, and you shall be call'd your highness if you please.

Servant.Madam, lady Emily Gayville is in her carriage in the street, will your ladyship be at home?

Miss Alscrip.Yes, shew her into the drawing-room. (Exit Servant.)I entreat, Sir, you will keep a little more guard upon your passions; con­sider the dignity of your house, and if you must be cooing, buy a French figurante. [Exit. Alscrip.Well said, my lady countess! well said quality morals! What am I the better for bury­ing a jealous wife? To be chicken-peck'd is a new persecution, more provoking than the old one—Oh Molly! Molly!—Plague upon the ex­ample of an independent heiress. [Exit.