The Comic Reciter (1856, Glasgow)/Toby Tosspot
TOBY TOSSPOT.
Alas! what pity 'tis, that regularity,
Like Isaac Shove's, is such a rarity!
But there are swilling wights in London town,
Term'd, Jolly Dogs—Choice Spirits—alias Swine;
Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,
Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.
Like Isaac Shove's, is such a rarity!
But there are swilling wights in London town,
Term'd, Jolly Dogs—Choice Spirits—alias Swine;
Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,
Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.
These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun,
Dosing, with headaches, till the afternoon,
Lose half men's regular estate of sun,
By borrowing too largely of the moon.
Dosing, with headaches, till the afternoon,
Lose half men's regular estate of sun,
By borrowing too largely of the moon.
One of this kidney, Toby Tosspot hight,
Was coming from the Bedford, late at night;
And being Bacchi plenus, full of wine,
Although he had a tolerable notion,
Of aiming at progressive motion,
'Twas not direct, 'twas serpentine,
He work'd, with sinuosities, along,
Like Monsieur Corkscrew, worming thro' a cork;
Not straight, like Corkscrew's proxy—stiff Don Prong,
A fork.
Was coming from the Bedford, late at night;
And being Bacchi plenus, full of wine,
Although he had a tolerable notion,
Of aiming at progressive motion,
'Twas not direct, 'twas serpentine,
He work'd, with sinuosities, along,
Like Monsieur Corkscrew, worming thro' a cork;
Not straight, like Corkscrew's proxy—stiff Don Prong,
A fork.
At length, with near four bottles in his pate,
He saw the moon shining on Shove's brass plate,
He saw the moon shining on Shove's brass plate,
When reading, "Please to ring the bell;"
And being civil, beyond measure,
"Ring it!" says Toby, "very well!
I'll ring it with a deal of pleasure."
And being civil, beyond measure,
"Ring it!" says Toby, "very well!
I'll ring it with a deal of pleasure."
Toby, the kindest soul in all the town,
Gave it a jerk, that almost jerk'd it down.
He waited full two minutes—no one came;
He waited full two minutes more; and then,
Says Toby, "If he's deaf, I'm not to blame!
I'll pull it for the gentleman again."
Gave it a jerk, that almost jerk'd it down.
He waited full two minutes—no one came;
He waited full two minutes more; and then,
Says Toby, "If he's deaf, I'm not to blame!
I'll pull it for the gentleman again."
But the first peal woke Isaac in a fright;
Who, quick as lightning popping up his head,
Sat on his head's antipodes in bed,
Pale as a parsnip, bolt upright.
Who, quick as lightning popping up his head,
Sat on his head's antipodes in bed,
Pale as a parsnip, bolt upright.
At length he wisely to himself did say,
Calming his fears—
"Tush! 'tis some fool has rung, and ran away,"
When peal the second rattled in his cars.
Calming his fears—
"Tush! 'tis some fool has rung, and ran away,"
When peal the second rattled in his cars.
Shove jump'd into the middle of the floor;
And, trembling at each breath of air that stirr'd,
He grop'd down stairs, and opened the street door,
While Toby was performing peal the third!
And, trembling at each breath of air that stirr'd,
He grop'd down stairs, and opened the street door,
While Toby was performing peal the third!
Isaac eyed Toby, fearfully askaunt,
And saw he was a strapper—stout and tall;
Then put this question—"Pray, Sir, what d'ye want?"
Says Toby—I want nothing, Sir, at all."
And saw he was a strapper—stout and tall;
Then put this question—"Pray, Sir, what d'ye want?"
Says Toby—I want nothing, Sir, at all."
"Want nothing? Sir! you've pull'd my bell, I vow,
As if you'd jerk it off the wire!"
Quoth Toby—gravely making him a bow—
"I pull'd it, Sir, at your desire."
As if you'd jerk it off the wire!"
Quoth Toby—gravely making him a bow—
"I pull'd it, Sir, at your desire."
"At mine?"—"Yes, yours!—I hope I've done it well!
High time for bed, Sir!—I was hastening to it;
But if you write up—'Please to ring the bell,'
Common politeness makes me stop and do it."
High time for bed, Sir!—I was hastening to it;
But if you write up—'Please to ring the bell,'
Common politeness makes me stop and do it."