The Comic Reciter (1856, Glasgow)/The Toe
ΤΗΕ ΤΟΕ.
Once on a time—no matter when—
Whether of recent date, or long ago,
A Potentate, the pride of British men,
Felt direful twinges in his royal toe;
And quick consulted his physicians
Upon the cause of the complaint,
Which certainly was bad enough to vex a saint,
Or make a lady faint.
Ay, or a Parson swear, if giv'n to wrathful ebullitions,
Not that I mean to say, this truly great
And all-accomplish'd Potentate
Did ever swear—far be it from my tongue
To do such mildness and such virtue wrong;
Oh, no! he merely said in accents mild,
(Nay, some assert that, while he spoke, he smiled,)
So very patiently he bore the pain,
"Dear Doctor ——— I am very ill,
The very d———l's in me, I believe;
My toe! my toe!—exert your utmost skill,
And find out something that will quick relieve,
For, oh! the gout has seized my toe again.
The doctor, as in duty bound, look'd sad,
And stooping low,
Peep'd at the toe
Then felt the pulse of his right royal master;
"Indeed," said he, "your Majesty is bad,
And pain, we know, will drive a wise man mad,
But your complaint is not the gout."—
"Indeed!"—"Oh! no; I've found it out,
And speedily I will apply a plaster.
Meanwhile, with your permission,
I'll show the cause of all your pain,
And trust it never can occur again,
If you'll be guided by your old physician.
Your shoes have been too tight—too tight by half,
So that you've quite compress'd your royal toes,
And giv'n a wrong direction
To the corneous substance call'd the nail;
Now, as your toes support so large a calf,
'Tis evident upon reflection,
That the corneous substance inward grows,
And must be rooted out, or else we fail—
The fact is, sire!
That men of goodly size and certain ages
Must not aspire
To pass for youths in ladies' eyes,—
It ne'er will do—therefore, be wise,
And leave such dandy tricks to boys and pages."
Anon.
Whether of recent date, or long ago,
A Potentate, the pride of British men,
Felt direful twinges in his royal toe;
And quick consulted his physicians
Upon the cause of the complaint,
Which certainly was bad enough to vex a saint,
Or make a lady faint.
Ay, or a Parson swear, if giv'n to wrathful ebullitions,
Not that I mean to say, this truly great
And all-accomplish'd Potentate
Did ever swear—far be it from my tongue
To do such mildness and such virtue wrong;
Oh, no! he merely said in accents mild,
(Nay, some assert that, while he spoke, he smiled,)
So very patiently he bore the pain,
"Dear Doctor ——— I am very ill,
The very d———l's in me, I believe;
My toe! my toe!—exert your utmost skill,
And find out something that will quick relieve,
For, oh! the gout has seized my toe again.
The doctor, as in duty bound, look'd sad,
And stooping low,
Peep'd at the toe
Then felt the pulse of his right royal master;
"Indeed," said he, "your Majesty is bad,
And pain, we know, will drive a wise man mad,
But your complaint is not the gout."—
"Indeed!"—"Oh! no; I've found it out,
And speedily I will apply a plaster.
Meanwhile, with your permission,
I'll show the cause of all your pain,
And trust it never can occur again,
If you'll be guided by your old physician.
Your shoes have been too tight—too tight by half,
So that you've quite compress'd your royal toes,
And giv'n a wrong direction
To the corneous substance call'd the nail;
Now, as your toes support so large a calf,
'Tis evident upon reflection,
That the corneous substance inward grows,
And must be rooted out, or else we fail—
The fact is, sire!
That men of goodly size and certain ages
Must not aspire
To pass for youths in ladies' eyes,—
It ne'er will do—therefore, be wise,
And leave such dandy tricks to boys and pages."
Anon.