The Cocoanuts (film)/Hour 0

We want to see you, Mr. Hammer.

What's the matter? Somebody pay their bill?

We want our money.

Yes, money!

You want your money?

We want to get paid.

Oh—you want my money? Is that fair? Do I want your money? Suppose George Washington's soldiers had asked for money? Where would this country be today?

But they did ask.

And where's Washington? No, my friends—no—money will never make you happy—and happy will never make you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.

We want our money!

I'll make you all a promise. If you'll all stick with me and work hard, we'll forget about money. Let's get together and we'll make a regular hotel out of this place! I'll put writing paper in the hotel, and next year, if you behave yourselves, I'll put in envelopes. I'm going to put extra blankets free in all your rooms. There'll be no cover charge.

Oh! Yeah! Hey!

Think—think of the opportunities here in Florida. Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. And now I've got a nickel in my pocket.

That's all very well, Mr. Hammer, but we haven't been paid in two weeks and we want our wages.

Wages? Do you want to be wage slaves? Answer me that!

No!

No, of course not. Well, what makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Remember there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, my friends! One for all and all for me, and me for you, and three for five, and six for a quarter!

Pardon me, a couple of telegrams for you, Mr. Hammer.

There you are. Business is beginning to pick up already. Now if you boys will only be calm—aha!

"We arrive this afternoon on the 4:30. Kindly reserve two floors and three ceilings." Must be mice!

"If we like your property, we will immediately buy it." See that? Things are starting our way, already. Who is it from? Western Union, and they've got a lot of money, too. On the 4:15, eh? Well, I'll take the bus down myself.

Here's another one, Mr. Hammer.

See? We're going to be stumped by tonight! This hotel will be so crowded, that we'll be turning away thousands of people.

"If there is another hotel in Cocoanut Beach, cancel our reservations." I know it! It was too good. Wait a minute!

"P.S.—Aunt Fanny had an eight-pound boy. Can you come to the wedding?" You see, everything is all right, boys—everything is all right! You're all invited to the wedding of Aunt Fanny's eight-pound boy.

Hooray!

Oh, but that won't be for a couple of years yet! In the meantime, I want you to buck up—get down to work. Let's put this thing over with a bang—and, above all, forget about money. Don't think of it! Just forget about it, because you won't get it anyway.

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

See that? I keep them dancing for their money!

Yeah.

Jamison, I'm going down now to meet the 4:15.

Yeah?

If I never come back, you'll know I'm still waiting for the train.

Yes, sir.

And in my absence, I'm relying on you to take good care of everything.

Well, you can depend upon me, sir.

That's fine. If any guests come in, take good care of them.

Yeah.

And think of me, Jamison.

You bet I will.

I'll be back someday.

All right.

Keep a light burning in the window—

Yes, sir.

—if you can find a window.

All right, sir.

Good-bye, Jamison.

Good-bye.

Hello, Harvey. Why so downhearted? Is Bob Adams cutting you out with Polly Potter?

I'm not worried about a hotel clerk.

No, but I'll bet you're worried about the Potter millions. You generally could use money in the old days.

Oh, lay off that stuff.

You know, marrying Polly is the only way for you to square your debts.

I can take care of myself.

I doubt it. Suppose I have a little plan that'll take care of both of us.

What do you mean?

Have you ever seen that diamond necklace of Mrs. Potter's?

You bet I have. What's that got to do with us?

Her room and my room are right next to each other. Hers is 318; mine 320. The door between is unlocked.

Well?

She keeps everything in a jewel case, locked up in her dresser. The key is always in her bag. That's what you've got to get.

It's a large order, but maybe it can be done. Suppose I invite Mrs. Potter and Polly to take supper with me tonight?

What then?

Sometime during the evening, I might be able to get the key out of her bag.

Now you're talking. That sounds more like old times, and now I'll try to get rid of Bob Adams for you.

Look, this is Cocoanut Manor. You know that hill?

What a question. Do I know that cunning little hill?

It's cunning, all right. But that's why there hasn't been any development here.

Couldn't it be cut down?

It's too expensive. Now, here's what happened. John W. Berryman was here to see it last month. You know, Berryman practically made Palm Beach and Miami, but he said he wouldn't touch this. Now when a man like that passes a place up, no one wants it. Do you know anything about architecture?

No, but I'd love to learn.

Well, I made a drawing of the whole place, showing that hill, as a built-up scheme, without cutting down the hill, or having it get in the way. I made the hill fit in with the architectural scheme. I sent Berryman a copy last week, and his secretary wrote me a nice note saying they were studying my plans.

That's thrilling! Does Mr. Hammer know about it?

Not yet. But if he takes it, I'll design the buildings. Haha! Say, I may be an architect yet.

Oh, if he only does, I'm sure it will be the most beautiful place in the world.

It would be, if you lived there. Look. See what I've written? "Heaven, for Polly and me."

That looks great. When do I move in?

Any day now.

It's a lovely dream, Bob. Let's make it come true.

Will you look at that?

I am looking.

Well, it's darn cute. I wonder who it can be.

Let's find out.

Then little Red Riding Hood said to the wolf—wolf-wolf-wolf-wolf-wolf.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

How do you do, Miss Potter?

Hello.

Your mother is looking for you, Polly.

She generally is, and she generally finds me. You know Mother. Thanks a lot.

It was a lovely story, Mr. Adams. I'd like to hear the rest of it sometime. Good-bye.

I wonder if I could hear it sometime.

With pleasure. How about you, Yates?

No thanks. You know what happens to bad little boys who tell stories.

Certainly. They marry the beautiful princess. So long.

Nice boy. The kind who usually gets what he wants.

Not always. I might win out yet.

Well—miracles do happen.

Well, Polly, you've been out again with Mr. Adams.

But only for a little while, Mother.

Why a daughter of mine should fool around with a hotel clerk, when she has the opportunity of marrying one of the Boston Yates, is more than I can understand.

Oh, who cares about the Boston Yates? Anyway, Bob isn't a clerk; he's an architect. He's only clerking until he can get started.

One who clerks, Polly, is a clerk, and that settles it. And I want you to remember that no Potter has ever been involved in a single scandal.

How about Uncle Dick?

Polly, it's a well known fact that your uncle was drunk at the time. And another thing, young lady, I'm quite tired of your sitting out on the beach all hours of the night.

Hey! Hey! Why don't you take something for that insomnia? You oughta cut out drinking so much coffee.

I'm sorry, sir. Say, any luck with the 4:30?

Yes, it didn't hit me, that's the only luck I had with her.

Mr. Hammer, I think I know what's wrong with the hotel.

I think I know, too. You're fired. Get your hat and my coat and get out.

Well, maybe the season hasn't started yet.

Maybe the hotel hasn't opened yet.

Don't worry, Mr. Hammer. In a few weeks you'll be cleaning up.

Yes, and making the beds. Go on, get out of here! I can handle this rush myself. Six hundred rooms in the hotel and you have to sleep here.

How do you do, Mr. Hammer?

Why don't you whistle at the crossing? You're just the woman I am looking for. And now whether you like it or not, I'm going to tell you all about Florida real estate. It's the first time it's ever been mentioned down here—today.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid—

Uh uh uh! Do you know that property values have increased 1929 since one thousand per cent? Do you know that this is the biggest development since Sophie Tucker? Do you know that Florida is the show spot of America and Cocoanut Beach is the black spot of Florida?

You told me about this yesterday.

I know, but I left out a comma. Look. In a little while, we're going to hold an auction sale at Cocoanut Manor, the suburb terrible—uh, beautiful. You must come over. There's going to be entertainment, sandwiches, and the auction. If you don't like auction, we can play contract. Here it is—Cocoanut Manor—42 hours from Times Square by railroad, 1600 miles as the crow flies, 1800 as the horse flies. There you are—Cocoanut Manor, glorifying the American sewer and the Florida sucker. Why, it's the most exclusive residential district in Florida. Nobody lives there. And the climate—ask me about the climate, I dare you.

Very well—how is—

I'm glad you brought it up. Our motto is "Cocoanut Beach—no snow, no ice, and no business." Do you know that Florida is the greatest state in the Union?

It is?

Take its climate—no, we took that—take its fruits—take the alligator pears—take all the alligator pears and keep them—see if I care. Do you know how alligator pears are made?

Haven't the slightest idea—

There you are. That's because you've never been an alligator, and don't let it happen again. Do you know that it sometimes requires years to bring the pear and the alligator together? They don't like each other.

No?

No. Do you know how many alligator pears are sent out of this state every year and told not to come back?

I don't think I do.

All they can get a hold of. Florida feeds the nation, but nobody feeds me, and that's what I want to talk to you about.

Mr. Hammer—

Another thing, take our cattle raising. Oh, I don't mean anything personal. But here is the ideal cattle-raising section. We have long horns, short horns, and shoe horns.

Mr. Hammer, will you let me say something, please?

I hardly think so, and there's something else I want to bring to your mind. Where will you be when you're sixty-five? That's only about three months from now.

If I were to buy, I should prefer some place like Palm Beach.

Palm Beach? The Atlantic City of yesterday? The slums of tomorrow? Do you know that the population of Cocoanut Beach has doubled in the past week?

Has it?

Three bulldogs were born. We're expecting a nanny goat in the morning.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I must be going.

Aw, now, don't go. Before you go, let me show you a sample of our sewer pipe we're going to lay. Look at it. Nobody can fool you on a sewer pipe, can they, a woman like you? Now this is the eight-inch pipe. But of course, all property owners will be allowed to vote on the size of the pipe. In case of a tie, it goes to the Supreme Court, and I can give you a little inside information in advance. The Chief Justice is crazy about this type sewer. Here, put it in your pocket. I'll see you later.

Mr. Hammer, I can't use this! I don't want it!

Hello? Yes? Ice water in 318? Is that so? Where did you get it? Oh, you want some? Oh, that's different. Have you got any ice? No, I haven't. This is Cocoanut Beach. No snow. No ice. Get some onions, that'll make your eyes water. What? You, too.

Oh, Mr. Hammer. Mrs. Thompson wants to know if you'd reserve a table for dinner for her in a nice quiet spot.

A nice quiet spot?

Yeah.

Tell her she can eat in the lobby. Say, we ought to dress this place up a bit. It looks terrible.

Front! Front! Front! Here, front! Here, front! Here, front, front, front, front, front, front, front!

Jamison, what's become of our front? Are we all out of front?

I haven't seen them.

I'm going to fire some of those people! Give me the fire bell.

Hey, why don't you stick around here. Listen, if anybody comes in that looks like a customer, tie them up and brand them. Now, exit.

Yes, sir.

Look at him. He's dressed better than I am.

Hey! Come on! Come on!

Hey! Come here! Come here! Come here!

Ah, gentlemen! Customers?

Ah, how do you do? How do you do?

What are you boys giving me, the run-around? Come over here.

Now, what do you want? What do you want? Explain your business.

We send you telegram.

Oh, you're the boys that sent the telegrams!

Hahahahahaha! How do you do?

That's a coincidence. I used to send telegrams myself.

Yeah.

How are you? And how are you?

That's all right. Don't worry. Hey!

Say, you can stay, but you'll have to take that groundhog out of here. Now, what do you want? Explain your business.

Well, we make a reservash.

Reservash?

Yes. We want room and no bath.

Oh, I see. You're just here for the winter. Well, step this way and I'll see what I can do for you.

All right. We stay for the summer, too.

I'm sorry, boys, but we haven't got any vacancies.

He's got no vacancies.

We've got plenty of rooms.

Oh, that's all right, we take a room. You want a room?

All right, we take a vacancy.

Boy, take the gentlemen's baggage.

Hey, hey, do you know that suitcase is empty?

That's all right. We fill it up before we leave.

Oh, you will, huh? Well, you'll empty it before I go out. Now, step this way, boys, and just put your monicker on there, and everything will be A.K.

Hey!

Look what he do! That's a baby! Right there! Ooh! Ah, look at it, he never misses!

Hey! Don't do—don't do that.

Right this way, boys. He's got the prize! Come on. The boy wins the gold cigar. Anybody else? Step right up this way.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Don't throw that. That's only for long distances.

All right, all right! Come on, don't start. That's mine, too.

Now, then, what do you want? Would you like a suite on the third floor?

No, I'll take a Polock in the basement.

Well, you'll have to take that up with the Commissary Department. That's an entirely different proposition, and I can't—

Here you are. There. Let me help you here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The afternoon mail isn't in yet. Say, I can use you the first of the month.

Telegram for Mr. Hammer.

Telegram? Just tell them I'll send them the money in the morning. Now then, what do you want? Now, what do you want? Do you want a single room?

We'd like to double up.

Well, eat some green apples.

Haha!

Hey! Just a moment!

A joke!

What's that? You'll have to talk louder. I can't hear you. If you'll take your nose out of the receiver, it will be okay. I—

Hahahaha! Funny feller, you.

Hello? What's that? You want to know where you can get a hold of Mrs. Potter? I don't know, she's awfully ticklish.

Now, I'm in a position gentlemen, where—

He's-a hungry.

Here, have one of these flowers. They're buckwheat. Pick out a nice one, now. I don't want you to get any the worst of this.

There you are. I'm so glad. Now, if you boys will pardon me for a few moments, I have some very important business to attend to. As a matter of fact, I'm going upstairs, and get your partner a stomach pump, here.

Yeah, he needs one.

And I'll be down in a few minutes. And while I'm gone, don't forget—register.

Hey, don't forget—register.

That's all right.

Hello? Hello? No, we no got-a no rooms! We got-a nothing! We got-a no customers! We got-a nothing! All right. All right. I send you up-a some. All right. Good-bye.

Did you ring, sir?

Did you ring, sir?

Did you ring, sir?

Get out! Signor Harpo, come here! Come here! Get away from up there! Come on! Hurry up!

All right, then, but let's be careful.

I will.

Tell me, how is it that the door between your room and Mrs. Potter's is open?

Well, you see, I told her that I trusted her.

You trusted her?

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Hey, stop that.

Come on, we dance.

Really!

Come, Penelope! Let's get away from this...bum!

Bum. Bum! Bum! Bum! Bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, rum, rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum! Rum, rum, rum, bum, bum! Rum, bum, bum!

I could kill those tramps.

Wait a minute. Don't kill them yet. I've got an idea.

About them?

Mhm. Listen, when the necklace is found missing, someone's got to be blamed. Why not them?

Gee, that's not bad. But, have you got anything definite?

Suppose I flirt with them, and they come to my room. Then what? I'll complain to the management. Then on the night the necklace disappeared, they were seen near Mrs. Potter's. Get it?

You bet I get it. That's a grand idea.

Thanks, kind sir. Well, I've got to run along now. See you later.

Good-bye.

Hey, hey, what-a you do, eh? All the time you eat. That's-a no good. We gotta get the money. Right now, I'd do anything for money. I kill somebody for money. I kill you for money. Hahaha, oh, no, you're my friend. I kill you for nothing.

Well, why do you laugh, eh? You're in the hotel for three hours, you no got-a something yet. What-a you got? An Ingersoll-a watch, that's-a fine! Haha, that's-a fine! That's all you steal?

Hey!

I think I know your face.

I give up, whose is it?

I'll tell you in a minute. I brought some pictures from headquarters. Let me see your face. Yours too.

All right. All right. I make my own face.

'At's-a matter you push, eh? No pushing. A rumble-a fight! You wanna fight-a? Come on! Come on! Start. Come on! Hey! Call your shots. Come on. Hey, 'at's-a matter you no fight upstairs? Come on!

Hey! What are you guys fighting for?

We no fight. That's-a my friend. We play this way.

Wat're you doing around here? What's your name? I am pretty suspicious of you birds. Now, you listen to me. I haven't got anything on you yet, but I'm going to keep watching. I've got your full records right here in my pocket. There's enough to send you up the minute you start anything. Do you get me?

Wise-a guy! Wise-a guy, eh? Gotta start a fight when detective come around. You can't wait a little bit, huh?

What do you got? A badge? Hahaha! 'At's-a fine! He's-a no more detective. You detective!

Hurry along, my dear. Get right in the cab. We've only a few minutes to get the train.

Pardon, could you tell me, what time is the next train to Philadelphia?

There's a train there once a week, sometimes twice a day.

Thank you.

That's all right.

That's-a fine. A little tight. Needs something taken out. All right, keep it. That's just what I need—coat-a like this. That's-a fine, eh? Do-a good.

Hello.

How do you do?

That's a good-looking coat you have on.

You like it, eh?

Do you know you look like the Prince of Wales?

Better.

Where did you get that coat?

That's-a my coat.

That's your coat?

That's-a my coat.

Well, it doesn't fit you.

I know, I had it made to order.

Tell me, what are you doing tonight?

Maybe you got a good idea, eh?

Well, don't you dare come to room 320 at 11:00.

All right, I come half past ten.

Did you see a handkerchief? I thought I had dropped one. Well, it really doesn't matter, because what I'm really interested in is you.

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like the Prince of Wales?

That's funny. I thought it was an original idea of mine.

Tell me, do you know who I am?

Do you know my room number?

Well, I'll be there at 11:00 tonight.

Did anyone ever tell you you look like the Prince of Wales? I don't mean the present Prince of Wales; one of the old Wales. And believe me I say Wales, I mean Wales. I know a whale when I see one. Did you say your room was 318? You know, I am the proprietor of this hotel and I have a passkey to every room in it.

Passkey?

Passkey—that's Russian for pass—you know, they passkey down the streetskey. Won't you lie down?

Aw, if we could find a little bungalow, eh? Oh, of course, I know where we could find one, but maybe the people wouldn't get out. But if we could find a nice little empty bungalow just for me and you, where we could bill and cow—no, where we could bull and cow.

Do you know what you are trying to say?

Yes, it's not what I'm thinking of. What I meant was, if we had a nice little bungalow, and you was inside and I was outside trying to get in, or inside trying to get out—or, no, I was in, you was ups—uh, you were inside out and I was ups—uh, no—I'll tell you, if you don't hear from me by next Friday, the whole thing's off!

I don't think I understand.

I mean, your eyes, your eyes—they shine like the pants of a blue serge suit.

What? That's an insult!

That's not a reflection on you. That's on the pants. What I meant was, if we had a nice bungalow and I came home from work, and you were standing by the gate—no—you came home from work, and I was standing by the gate—that's more like it—and we came down the path, and we went inside, and the shades were drawn, and the lights were low, and, then—are you sure your husband's dead?

Why, yes.

There seems to be a trace of uncertainty in that "yes." You know a "yes" like that was once responsible for me jumping out of a window, and I'm not the jumper I used to be. What I meant was, you're going to be here all winter and I'm stuck with the hotel anyhow—why don't you grab me until you can make other arrangements?

My dear Mr. Hammer, I shall never get married before my daughter.

You did once! Oh, but I love you! I love you! Can't you see how I'm pining for you?

What in the world is the matter with you?

Oh, I'm not myself tonight. I don't know who I am. One false move and I'm yours. I love you. I love you anyhow.

I don't think you'd love me if I were poor.

I might, but I'd keep my mouth shut.

I'll not stay here any longer and be insulted this way!

Oh, don't go away and leave me here alone. You stay here and I'll go away.

I don't know what to say.

Well, say that you'll be truly mine, or truly yours, or yours truly. Can't you know that I'm—

Will you keep your hands to yourself?

Come on, I'll play you one more game. Come on, the three of you. Oh! Can you come down a little bit?

Just think, tonight—tonight—when the moon is sneaking around the clouds, I'll be sneaking around you. I'll meet you tonight under the moon. Oh, I can see you now—you and the moon. You wear a neck-tie so I'll know you.

Send up some ice water right away. That's right. Thank you.

Thank goodness!

Close the door.

Did you get the key?

Yes. It's one of these.

Oh, that's fine. Now, listen, we can't take any chances on this job.

How do you mean?

There's bound to be trouble when she misses the necklace.

Well?

Well, we can't have it found on us.

I should say not.

We've got to play safe and hide it somewhere for a while.

Hide it?

Just for a few days.

Yes—but where?

Anywhere but in here.

Hide it? I know just the place—a hollow tree stump about a mile from here. Will that do?

Fine, but how do I get there?

It's Cocoanut Manor. You've been out there.

Well, I'm not so sure, Harvey.

Well, here, I'll show you. Now, you go right out Cocoanut Road. Then there's Augustine Road, like this—but instead, you take the Granada Road. Suddenly, you come to a clearing with a fringe of trees around it. That's Cocoanut Manor, where the stump is. It's about twenty feet from the edge of the clearing. That's where you put the jewels. You can't miss it. Now, you take the necklace right out there, see? I've got to go back down stairs, or Mrs. Potter will be suspicious. And be careful!

I will.

Cocoanut Manor—Granada Road—twenty feet from the clearing—everything's going along swimmingly now.

Do you remember me? Prince of Wales?

Why, yes, of course I do, but—

Mr. Hammer, how dare you come into my room?

See here, if there's going to be two people in this room, it'll be fifty cents extra.

Did he go?

Who?

Anybody.

Get out! Oh, Prince, how you frightened me.

This hotel not only has running water; it has running guests.

You remember me, Prince of Wales?

Who is it?

It's me, the King of England.

My father!

Come in.

Ice water.

Put it there!

Thank you.

"Thank you?" Why didn't you give him a dime?

Come in.

Lay down.

Well, I never! I should say not! You get out of here! Get out! Hurry! Hurry! My—

Come in! What is the matter with that man?

Mr. Hammer, what are you doing in my room?

Don't you dare take that coat off in this room!

Well, I was—

You get out of here as fast as you can go!

I was only playing, that's all!

I'll find out about this, I'll bet. Thank goodness, he's gone. Never mind, operator!

Come—come in!

Who are you?

That's all right. I'll be through in a minute. Well, I guess there's nobody in here.

You don't know where to look.

Ah—what's that you said?

Oh, this is awful! When you've quite finished, let me know.

Well, everything seems to be all right in here.

I'm not so sure about that.

All right. I know where to go.

Whew! Alone at last. Oh!

Come over here, I want to see you. Now, listen to me, I'm not going to have that red-headed fellow running around in the lobby. If you want to keep him up in your room, you'll have to keep him in a trap.

You can't catch him.

Who is he?

That's-a my partner, but he no speak.

Oh, that's your silent partner. Well, anyhow, you wired me about some property. I've thought it over. Now, I can let you have three lots watering the front, or I can let you have three lots fronting the water. Now, these lots cost me nine thousand dollars and I'm going to let you have them for fifteen because I like you.

I no buy nothing.

What?

I no got-a no money.

You got-a no money?

I no got-a one cent.

How're you going to pay for your room?

That's-a your lookout.

Oh, you're just an idle roomer?

Well, you see, we come here to make money. I read the paper, and it say, "Big boom in Florida." So we come. We're couple-a big booms, too!

Well, I'll show you how you can make some real money. I'm going to hold auction in a little while in Cocoanut Manor. You know what an auction is, eh?

I come from Italy on the Atlantic Auction.

Well, let's go ahead as if nothing happened. I say I'm holding an auction at Cocoanut Manor. And when the crowd gathers around, I want you to mingle with them. Don't pick their pockets, just mingle with them—and—

I'll find time for both.

Well, maybe we can cut out the auction. Here's what I mean. If somebody says a hundred dollars, you say two. If somebody says two, you say three.

Speak up?

That's right. Now, if nobody says anything, then you start it off.

Yeah, how am I going to know when they no say nothing?

Well, they'll probably notify you. You fool, if they don't say anything, you'll hear them, won't you?

Well, maybe I no listen.

Well, don't tell them. Now then, if we're successful in disposing these lots, I'll see that you get a nice commission.

And how about some money?

Well, you can have your choice. Now, in arranging these lots, of course, we use blueprints. You know what a blueprint is, eh?

Yes, oysters!

How is it you never got double pneumonia?

I go around by myself.

Do you know what a lot is?

Yeah, it's too much.

I don't mean a whole lot—just a little lot with nothing on it.

Any time you got-a too much, you got-a whole lot. Look, I explain it to you. Sometimes you no got enough; if it's too much, you got-a whole lot. Sometimes you got a little bit. You no think it's enough—somebody else maybe think it's-a too much, it's-a whole lot, too. Now, it's-a whole lot, it's-a too much, it's too much, it's-a whole lot—same thing.

The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will you?

All right, maybe—

Come over here, Rand McNally, and I'll explain this thing to you. Now, look, this is a map and diagram of the whole Cocoanut section. This whole area is within a radius of approximately three-quarters of a mile. "Radius"—is there a remote possibility that you know what "radius" means?

It's-a WJZ.

Well, I walked right into that one. It's going to be a cinch explaining the rest of this thing to you, I can see that.

I catch on quick.

That's a rodeo you're thinking of. Look, Einstein. Here's Cocoanut Manor. No matter what you say, this is Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Manor. Here's Cocoanut Height. That's a swamp. And, right over here where the road forks, that's Cocoanut Junction.

Where have you got Cocoanut Custard?

Why, that's on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. Now, here is the main road, leading out of Cocoanut Manor. That's the road I wish you were on. Now, over here, on this site we're going to build an eye and ear hospital. This is going to be a sight for sore eyes.

That's good.

You understand?

That's fine.

Now, right over here—this is the residential section.

Oh, so people live there, eh?

No, that's the stockyards. Now, all along here—this is the river front—and all along the river—all along the river, those are all levees.

That's the Jewish neighborhood?

Well, we'll pass over that. You're a peach, boy. Now, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Why a duck?

I'm all right. How are you? I say here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

All right. Why a duck?

I'm not playing Ask-Me-Another. I say, that's a viaduct.

All right. Why a duck? That's—why—why a duck? Why-a no chicken?

Well, I don't know why-a no chicken. I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken, and you'll find out why a duck.

It's deep water, that's viaduct. It's deep water!

That's why a duck.

Look. Look, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and wanted to ford over. You couldn't make it. It's too deep.

Well, why do you want with a Ford if you got a horse?

Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it's a viaduct.

Now, look, all right, I catch on to why a horse, or why a chicken, or why a this, why a that. I no catch on to why a duck.

Well, I was only fooling. I was only fooling. They're going to build a tunnel there in the morning. Now, is that clear to you?

Yes—everything except-a why a duck.

Well, that's fine. Now we can go ahead with this thing. Now, look, I'm going to take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of fifty people at that cemetery just dying to get in, but I like you.

Ah, you're my friend.

I like you and I'm going to shove you in ahead of all of them.

I know you like me.

I'm going to see that you get a steady position.

That's-a good.

And if I can arrange it, it'll be horizontal.

Yeah, I see.

Now remember, when the auction starts, if somebody says a hundred dollars—

I say two hundred.

That's grand. Now, if somebody says two hundred—

I say three hundred.

That's great! And now you know how to get down there?

No, I no understand.

Now, look—now look, you go down there, down that narrow path there, until you come to the—that little jungle there. You see it?

I see what are those.

You see where those thatched palms are?

Yes, I see.

And, then, there's a little clearing there, a little clearing with a wired fence around it. You see that wire fence there?

All right. Why a fence?

Oh, no, we're not going to go all through that again! You come along with me, and I'll ⟨fix you up!⟩

All right! I know what you mean. A-bid 'em up. Go-a higher. One say one, two hundred. Two hundred, three hundred.

That's it. If somebody says a hundred dollars, you say two hundred.

That's all right.

For two, you say three. ⟨And⟩ help me put this deal over and you can have anything you've got.

I got-a nothing.

Be alert. That's it—be alert.

All right. All right.

Be alert, or papa don't go out at all.

All right, I be alert. I don't know what it is, but I be, all right.

All ye suckers who are going to get trimmed, step this way for the big swindle. Ladies and gentlemen, before proceeding with the main business of the day, which is the selling of these lots at any price, we are going to have a little entertainment. Very little. I want to present to you Miss Polly Potter, the best-paying guest in the hotel—in fact, the only paying guest in the hotel. She will sing for you, and for me too. Miss Potter.

That's Florida, folks—singing, dancing, and entertainment. After the entertainment, there'll be sandwiches, but, remember, if there are no lots sold, there'll be no sandwiches.

Florida, folks—sunshine, sunshine—perpetual sunshine, all the year around. Let's get the auction started before we get a tornado. Right this way. Step forward, everybody. Friends, you are now in Cocoanut Manor, one of the finest cities in Florida. Of course, we still need a few finishing touches, but who doesn't? This is the heart of the residential district.

Every lot is a stone's throw from the station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're going to build a station. Eight hundred wonderful residences will be built right here. Why, they're as good as up. Better. You can have any kind of a home you want to. You can even get stucco—oh, how you can get stucco. Now is the time to buy while the new boom is on. Remember that old saying? "A new boom sweeps clean." And don't forget the guarantee—my personal guarantee. If these lots don't double in value in a year, I don't know what you can do about it. Now, then, we'll take lot #20—lot number twentah—right at the corner of DeSota Avenue. Of course, you all know who DeSota was—he discovered a body of water. You've all heard of the water that they named after him, DeSota Water. Now this lot has a 20-foot frontage, a 14-foot backage, and a mighty fine garbage. Now, what am I offered for this lot? Anything at all? Anything at all?

Two hundred dollars.

Ah—a gentleman bids two hundred dollars. Who'll say three hundred?

Three hundred dollars.

Hahaha! Another gentleman says three hundred dollars. Do I hear four?

Four hundred dollars.

Well, the auction is practically over. It's all over but the shooting. I'll attend to that later.

Five hundred dollars.

Do I hear six hundred?

Six-a hundred dollars.

Sold for six hundred dollars. Wrap up that lot and put some poison ivy on it.

Yes, sir.

Well, I came out even on that one. That was a big success. Yeah. One more success like that and I'll sell my body to a medical institute. Now, we'll take lot #21. There it is, right over there. Right over there, folks, right where that cocoanut tree is. What am I offered for lot #21?

Two hundred dollars.

Why, my friends, there's over two hundred dollars worth of milk in those cocoanuts—and what milk, milk from contented cow-co-nuts. Who will say three hundred?

Three hundred dollars!

Three hundred dollars.

Four hundred.

Four hundred.

Five hundred.

Five hundred.

Six-a hundred—seven hundred—eight hundred—what the heck I care?

What the heck do you care? But how about me? Sold to what the heck for eight hundred dollars. I hope all your teeth have cavities, and don't forget abscess makes the heart grow fonder.

When he said "viaduck," I should have smelt a rat. I did, but I didn't know who it was.

Now we'll take lot #22. What am I offered for lot #22?

One hundred dollars.

Sold, for a hundred dollars!

Two hundred dollars.

Believe me, you've got to get up early if you want to get out of bed. Now, we'll take lot #23.

Two hundred dollars.

Hey, what are you going to do with all these lots? Play lottos? Who'll say three hundred?

Four hundred.

Four hundred. Do I hear five?

Five hundred dollars.

Five hundred dollars. Sold to this gentleman—

Six hundred dollars.

Seven hundred.

Seven hundred dollars. Sold to this gentleman—

Eight hundred dollars.

Do I hear nine? Do I hear nine?

You hear nine; you hear ten.

If I hear ten, you'll hear plenty. Do I hear nine? Will the gentleman who said seven say nine? Will the gentleman who said seven say seven again? Will you say six?

He say six, I say seven; he say seven, I say eight; he say eight, I say nine. I got plenty of numbers left. When I start I no stop-a for nothing. I bid 'em up. I go higher, higher, higher, all the time. I go higher—

Yeah, you'll go higher when I get hold of you. Sold to Hiawatha for eight hundred dollars. Get away from that tree before it dies.

Haha, hahahahahaha!

Fifty dollars.

Sold for fifty dollars!

Two hundred dollars.

Too late. Too late.

Yeah, yeah, yeah—too late, all the time.

Now, we'll take lot #25, right where you're standing. Will you please get your feet off this lot? You're getting it all dirty.

Now, here's a lot, folks. It doesn't look very big on top, but it's all yours as far down as you want to go, and it's dirt cheap. Now, what am I offered for lot #25? Anything at all? Who'll start it off? Anyone at all? Anyone at—

What's become of Peter Rabbit? What am I offered for lot 25? Come on folks, you're all allowed to bid. This is a free country. What am I offered for lot 25? What am I offered for lot 25 and a year's subscription to The Youth's Companion? Will somebody take a year's subscription? I'm trying to work my way through college. Will somebody take a six-month subscription? I'll go to high school.

Does anybody want to buy a lead pencil? I'll wrestle anybody in the crowd for five dollars. Well, if there's not going to be anymore bidding, I might as well quit. What's the matter with you people? Can't you visualize bargains? Don't you want to make money?

Now, I'm going to try one more lot, and if I don't dispose of this, I'm going to fold up. Do you get me? Now we're going to take lot #26, the star lot of the whole proceedings. Here it is, right over there where the stump of that tree is, overlooking the ocean front—one of the finest sites in Florida. Now, somebody make me an offer!

Two hundred dollars.

Three hundred dollars.

Who'll say four hundred?

Four hundred dollars.

Four hundred dollars. Now do I hear—

Keep Winnie-the-Pooh out of here, will you? He'll ruin me.

Who'll say five hundred?

Five hundred dollars.

Five hundred dollars. Six? Come on, now.

Eight hundred dollars.

Eight hundred dollars! Now there's a gentleman with vision, and a nice haircut. There's a gentleman with vision. Who'll say a thousand?

One thousand dollars.

A thousand. There's a gentleman with double vision and a better haircut. Who'll say eleven hundred?

Eleven hundred dollars.

Eleven hundred. There's a gentleman with astigmatism. Twelve, once? Come on, now! Twelve? ?

Twelve hundred dollars.

Twelve, hail and farewell! Who'll say thirteen? Thirteen? Come on! Thirteen?

I'll bid—

Thirteen? Do I hear thirteen? Do I—twelve? Twelve once, twelve twice?

Sold to Mr. Adams for twelve hundred dollars! And a mighty fine piece of property you got there, buddy.

Make a note of that, Jamison.

Oh, Bob, you've got it!

What—what—what happened? I protest against that. I didn't have a chance to bid.