The American Language (1923)/Appendix 1
[The following is my own translation, but I have had the aid of suggestions from various other scholars. It must be obvious that more than one section of the original is now quite unintelligible to the average American of the sort using the Common Speech. What would he make, for example, of such a sentence as this one: "He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures"? Or of this: "He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise." Such Johnsonian periods are quite beyond his comprehension, and no doubt the fact is at least partly to blame for the neglect upon which the Declaration has fallen in recent years. When, during the Wilson-Palmer saturnalia of oppressions, specialists in liberty began protesting that the Declaration plainly gave the people the right to alter the government under which they lived and even to abolish it altogether, they encountered the utmost incredulity. On more than one occasion, in fact, such an exegete was tarred and feathered by the shocked members of the American Legion, even after the Declaration had been read to them. What ailed them was that they could not understand its eighteenth century English. It was, no doubt, to aid them that the Division of Citizenship Training, Department of Labor, issued simplified forms of the Declaration and the Constitution in 1921. These revised versions were made by Edgar M. Ross in cooperation with a special committee of the Commission of Immigration and Citizenship of Chicago. They are in Federal Citizenship Textbook, Part III; Washington, 1921.]
When things get so balled up that the people of a country have got to cut loose from some other country, and go it on their own hook, without asking no permission from nobody, excepting maybe God Almighty, then they ought to let everybody know why they done it, so that everybody can see they are on the level, and not trying to put nothing over on nobody.
All we got to say on this proposition is this: first, me and you is as good as anybody else, and maybe a damn sight better; second, nobody ain't got no right to take away none of our rights; third, every man has got a right to live, to come and go as he pleases, and to have a good time whichever way he likes, so long as he don't interfere with nobody else. That any government that don't give a man them rights ain't worth a damn; also, people ought to choose the kind of government they want themselves, and nobody else ought to have no say in the matter. That whenever any government don't do this, then the people have got a right to can it and put in one that will take care of their interests. Of course, that don't mean having a revolution every day like them South American coons and yellow-bellies and Bolsheviki, or every time some job-holder goes to work and does something he ain't got no business to do. It is better to stand a little graft, etc., than to have revolutions all the time, like them coons and Bolsheviki, and any man that wasn't a anarchist or one of them I. W. W.'s would say the same. But when things get so bad that a man ain't hardly got no rights at all no more, but you might almost call him a slave, then everybody ought to get together and throw the grafters out, and put in new ones who won't carry on so high and steal so much, and then watch them. This is the proposition the people of these Colonies is up against, and they have got tired of it, and won't stand it no more.
The administration of the present King, George III, has been rotten from the start, and when anybody kicked about it he always tried to get away with it by strong-arm work.
Here is some of the rough stuff he has pulled:
He vetoed bills in the Legislature that everybody was in favor of, and hardly nobody was against.
He wouldn't allow no law to be passed without it was first put up to him, and then he stuck it in his pocket and let on he forgot about it, and didn't pay no attention to no kicks.
When people went to work and gone to him and asked him to put through a law about this or that, he give them their choice: either they had to shut down the Legislature and let him pass it all by himself, or they couldn't have it at all.
He made the Legislature meet at one-horse tank-towns out in the alfalfa belt, so that hardly nobody could get there and most of the leaders would stay home and let him go to work and do things like he wanted.
He give the Legislature the air, and sent the members home every time they stood up to him and give him a call-down or bawled him out.
When a Legislature was busted up he wouldn't allow no new one to be elected, so that there wasn't nobody left to run things, but anybody could walk in and do whatever they pleased.
He tried to scare people outen moving into these States, and made it so hard for a wop or one of them poor kikes to get his papers that he would rather stay home and not try it, and then, when he come in, he wouldn't let him have no land, and so he either went home again or never come.
He monkeyed with the courts, and didn't hire enough judges to do the work, and so a person had to wait so long for his case to come up that he got sick of waiting, and went home, and so never got what was coming to him.
He got the judges under his thumb by turning them out when they done anything he didn't like, or holding up their salaries, so that they had to cough up or not get no money.
He made a lot of new jobs, and give them to loafers that nobody knowed nothing about, and the poor people had to pay the bill, whether they wanted to or not.
Without no war going on, he kept an army loafing around the country, no matter how much people kicked about it.
He let the army run things to suit theirself and never paid no attention whatsoever to nobody which didn't wear no uniform.
He let grafters run loose, from God knows where, and give them the say in everything, and let them put over such things as the following:
Making poor people board and lodge a lot of soldiers they ain't got no use for, and don't want to see loafing around.
When the soldiers kill a man, framing it up so that they would get off.
Interfering with business.
Making us pay taxes without asking us whether we thought the things we had to pay taxes for was something that was worth paying taxes for or not.
When a man was arrested and asked for a jury trial, not letting him have no jury trial.
Chasing men out of the country, without being guilty of nothing, and trying them somewheres else for what they done here.
In countries that border on us, he put in bum governments, and then tried to spread them out, so that by and by they would take in this country too, or make our own government as bum as they was. He never paid no attention whatever to the Constitution, but he went to work and repealed laws that everybody was satisfied with and hardly nobody was against, and tried to fix the government so that he could do whatever he pleased.
He busted up the Legislatures and let on he could do all the work better by himself.
Now he washes his hands of us and even goes to work and declares war on us, so we don't owe him nothing, and whatever authority he ever had he ain't got no more.
He has burned down towns, shot down people like dogs, and raised hell against us out on the ocean.
He hired' whole regiments of Dutch, etc., to fight us, and told them they could have anything they wanted if they could take it away from us, and sicked these Dutch, etc., on us without paying no attention whatever to international law.
He grabbed our own people when he found them in ships on the ocean, and shoved guns into their hands, and made them fight against us, no matter how much they didn't want to.
He stirred up the Indians, and give them arms and ammunition, and told them to go to it, and they have killed men, women and children, and don't care which.
Every time he has went to work and pulled any of these things, we have went to work and put in a kick, but every time we have went to work and put in a kick he has went to work and did it again. When a man keeps on handing out such rough stuff all the time, all you can say is that he ain't got no class and ain't fitten to have no authority over people who have got any rights, and he ought to be kicked out.
When we complained to the English we didn't get no more satisfaction. Almost every day we give them plenty of warning that the politicians over there was doing things to us that they didn't have no right to do. We kept on reminding them who we was, and what we was doing here, and how we come to come here. We asked them to get us a square deal, and told them that if this thing kept on we'd have to do something about it and maybe they wouldn't like it. But the more we talked, the more they didn't pay no attention to us. Therefore, if they ain't for us they must be agin us, and we are ready to give them the fight of their lives, or to shake hands when it is over.
Therefore be it resolved, That we, the representatives of the people of the United States of America, in Congress assembled, hereby declare as follows: That the United States, which was the United Colonies in former times, is now a free country, and ought to be; that we have throwed out the English King and don't want to have nothing to do with him no more, and are not taking no more English orders no more; and that, being as we are now a free country, we can do anything that free countries can do, especially declare war, make peace, sign treaties, go into business, etc. And we swear on the Bible on this proposition, one and all, and agree to stick to it no matter what happens, whether we win or we lose, and whether we get away with it or get the worst of it, no matter whether we lose all our property by it or even get hung for it.
Eighty-seven years ago them old-timers that you heard about in school signed the Declaration of Independence, and put the kibosh on the English king, George III. From that day to this, this has been a free country. An American citizen don't have to take offen his hat to nobody, excepting maybe God. He is the equal to anybody on this earth, high or low. If anybody steps on his toes, then they have got a fight on their hands, and it ain't over until the other fellow is licked.
Well, now we have got a war on our hands, and them crooks from the South are trying to do to us what they done to the poor coons. The question is whether this free country is going on or whether they are going to put the skids under it. On this very spot where we stand our boys went over the top, and the enemy took to the woods. A great many of them give their lives in that battle. Everyone was a hero. Nobody hung back when the bullets began to fly. Well, we will take care of those who got out of it alive, or maybe with only a leg cut off. No American business man will ever turn a hero away. There will be jobs for all, and plenty of them. But all we can do for the dead is to put up a monument to them, and see that their graves are kept green.
Well, a monument surely ain't much. The fact is, them heroes don't need no monument. Nobody will ever forget them. Schoolchildren will be studying about them long after all us here is gone. Nobody will ever ask what I said in my speech here, or what you said here, but everybody will want to know what our boys done here. The best thing we can do is to not forget what the battle was about that they fought in, and make up our minds to keep this a free country. Suppose we didn't do it? Then what sense would it of been for them heroes to go over the top? Who could look into the eyes of their little children and say "Your papa died for democracy, but now it has gone blooey"? No. This is the freest country in the whole world, and it is up to us to keep it free. Let each and everyone here today lift up their right hand and take an oath that they will never support no government withouten it is elected by the people, always remembers that who elected it, and never does nothing withouten it is sure the people want it.
[I am indebted to Mr. Ring W. Lardner, author of "You Know Me, Al," for the following. It combines the common language with the special argot of the professional baseball-players, a class of men whose speech Mr. Lardner has studied with great diligence.]
[Plot: The enemy has fallen on our pitcher and scored five runs. The side is finally retired and our men come in to the bench, where the manager awaits them.]
Manager—What the hell![1]
Pitcher (indicating the catcher)—Ask him!
Catcher—Ask yourself, you yella bum! (To the manager) He's been shakin' me off all day.
Manager—What was it Peck hit?
Pitcher—I was tryin' to waste it.
Catcher—Waste it! You dinked it up there chest high.[2] He couldn't of got a better cut at it if he'd of tooken the ball in his hand.
Pitcher (to the catcher)—You could of got Shawkey at the plate if you'd of left Jack's peg hop. He never even hit the dirt.
Catcher—It would of been a short hop and I couldn't take no chance. You wasn't backin' up. You was standin' over in back of third base, posin' for a pitcher (=picture) or somethin'.
Manager (to the catcher)—What the hell happened on that ball on Bodie?
Catcher—He (referring to the pitcher) crossed me up. I ast him for a hook and he yessed me and then throwed a fast one.
Pitcher—It was a curve ball, just like you ast me, only it didn't break good.
Manager (to the pitcher)—And what about Ruth? Is that all the more sense you got, groovin' one for that big ape! You'd of did better to roll it up there.
Pitcher—The ball he hit was outside.
Manager—You mean after he hit it. For God's sakes, use your head in there! This ain't Fort Worth!
Pitcher—I wisht to hell it was!
Manager—And you're li'ble to get your wish!
Glossary
In there: In the pitcher's position.
Up there: In the batter's position.
Shakin' me off: Refusing to pitch the kind of ball I signalled for.
Waste: To pitch a ball so high or so far outside that the batsman cannot reach it.
Dink: To throw a slow ball.
Hook: A curve ball.
Peg: A throw.
Hop: To bound.
Hit the dirt: To slide.
[The following "Élégie Américaine," by John V. A. Weaver, of Chicago,[3] marks the first appearance of the American vulgate, I believe, in serious verse. It has been attempted often enough by comic poets, though seldom with the accuracy shown by Mr. Lardner's prose. But it was Mr. Weaver who first directed attention to the obvious fact that the American proletarian is not comic to himself but quite serious, and that he carries on his most lofty and sentimental thoughts in the same tongue he uses in discussing baseball.]
You get so tired of records, hearin' an' hearin' 'em,
And when a person don't have much to spend
They feel they shouldn't ought to be so wasteful.
And then these warm nights makes it slow inside,
And sittin's lovely down there by the lake
Where him and me would always use ta go.
Without him; and it did at first. I'd play
Some jazz-band music and I'd almost feel
His arms around me, dancin'; after that
I'd turn out all the lights, and set there quiet
Whiles Alma Gluck was singin' "Home, Sweet Home",
And almost know his hand was strokin' my hand.
"It's somethin' you can use; you can't a ring.
Wisht I had ways ta make a record for you,
So's I could be right with you, even though
Uncle Sam had me"…How I'm glad he didn't;
It would be lots too much like seein' ghosts
Now that I'm sure he never won't come back.…
He was so big and strong! He was a darb!
The swellest dresser, with them nifty shirts
That fold down, and them lovely nobby shoes,
And always all his clothes would be one color,
Like green socks with green ties, and a green hat,
And everything.…We never had no words
Or hardly none.…
I useta kiss is bitin' into dirt,
And through them curls I useta smooth a bullet
Has went.…
I wisht it would of killed me, too.…
And get a small ring anyways. (I won't
Get but half as good a one as if
He spent it all on that when he first ast me.)
With him gone. And it ain't a likely chanst
I'd find nobody ever else again
Would suit me, or I'd suit. And so a little