Salmagundi (Huddesford, 1791)/The Paradox

THE PARADOX:

OR

NED FRIGHTENED OUT OF HIS WITS.

Empty the flask, discharg'd the score,
Ned stagger'd from the tavern door,
And, falling in his drunken fits,
Crippled his Nose and lost his Wits;
But, from the kennel soon emerging,
His nose repairs by help of surgeon:
That done, the Leech peeps in his brain
To find his wits,—but peeps in vain.
"'Tis hard," the Patient cries, "to lose
"Wits not a whit the worse for use;
"Wits which I always laid aside
"For great occasions, cut and dried;"
("Tho' here the case was falsely put:
His Wits were dried, Himself was Cut.)
"Wits like the Continental Aloe,
"That for a century lies fallow;
"Wits never prodigally wasted;
"Like choice conserves, but rarely tasted:
"Wits husbanded, not spent at random;
"Cork'd up like cordials for my Grandam:
"Wits, which, if all your wealth could buy—Sir,
"You would not be a jot the wiser."

Tho' plain appear'd in ev'ry face
A fellow-feeling of his case,
Yet still, to shew Their Wits were sound,
His Boon Companions throng around,
And sagely, one and all, accost him:
"Zounds, Ned, I wonder how you lost 'em!"

Ah! let them drink their Port in peace,
For miracles will never cease!
And, if Ned's loss of wits astound 'em,
Zounds,—how they'll wonder when he's found 'em!