Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/599

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

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THE HORRORS OF WAR IN THE WEST-END.

New Club Waitress. "Looks quite tasty, don't it?"

COMMERCIAL MODESTY.

["In business affairs always understate rather than overstate your case. Moderation leads to conviction."―Sir George Riddell on "Philosophy in Business" in Success in Business and How to Win It.]

My brothers, if you're anxious to amass a modest pile
And spend the evening of your days in gentlemanly style,
Remember that the surest way of raking shekels in
Is to shun all overstatement as the chief commercial sin.

Thus, if you run a restaurant, it's eminently crude
To insist upon the flavour and the richness of your food,
Far better tell your customers that, if it isn't nice,
It's cheap, it isn't nasty, and it's filling at the price.

Then if you're implicated in the dairy-farming trade
Let the praises of your products be not arrogantly made;
And though your butter be the best that ever yet was seen
Describe it as "a substitute for high-class margarine."

Again, if you should cater for the smoker's daily needs,
Avoid exaggeration of the virtue of your weeds,
Confine your panegyrics to the statement that their match
Is not to be discovered on the finest cabbage-patch.

Supposing you're a tailor, you would simply play the fool
If you stated that in cut and fit you superseded P**l*.
No, it's better to be moderate in adjectives and nouns,
And say, "Our suits are equal to the choicest reach-me-downs."

Or if your bent is musical and you aspire to shine
In the realm of oratorio or the operatic line,
You'll never give the enemy occasion to rejoice
By claiming the possession of "a not unpleasing voice."

The plan is not a modern one; grammarians, as we know,
Described it as meiosis many centuries ago;
And the Greeks from long experience found no better way than this
To propitiate the vengeance of a watchful Nemesis.

In fine, eschew superlatives; temper self-praise with damns,
And let your trumpet's note recall the gentle bleat of lambs;
"Come buy, come buy!" should be your cry, "but don't expect too much:"
Self-underestimation is the true commercial touch.

A correspondent observes that the telegraphic address of the Ministry of Munitions is "Explocoma, London," and hopes that the "coma" refers to the past and not to the present state of those who look after these commodities. We understand that the reference is to the future, and expresses Mr. Lloyd George's anticipations of the effect of his new shells upon the enemy.

"Achi Baba is described as a small 'Gibraltar,' and one officer remarked that the British soldiers were being asked to take positions which, if held by the British, would be unmistakable by anybody else."

Daily Sketch.

This is the sort of position that obviously ought to be "masked."