Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/596
TO ONE WHO TAKES HIS EASE.
Of service done in this supreme of hours―
What sacrifice for England's sake you bear,
To what high use or humble put your powers!
If, pleading local duty's louder call
Or weight of years that checks the soaring wing,
You are excused the dearest gift of all,
What of the next best thing?
And so have some of your importunate friends;
From time to time you post them, when they press,
A little cheque for charitable ends;
You have reduced your tribute to the hunt,
Declined to bring the family to Town,
Discharged your second footman to the Front
And shut a tweeny down.
In that estate where he is set by Heaven,
You trouble less about your trousers' fit,
And eat six courses in the place of seven;
Upon your pint of champagne still you count,
But later drinks you temperately dock
(Because at clubs the alcoholic fount
Closes at ten o'clock).
For willing labour―watches of the night,
Shells to be filled, a turn of work to do
That sets a good man free to go and fight;
But tasks like these entail a lack of rest;
They put a strain on people's arms and backs;
And you've enough to bear with rents depressed
And all that super-tax.
If, sheltered close and snug, you shirk the blast,
Immune in idleness of hand and head,
False to your cause, disloyal to your caste,
When gallant men from yonder hell of flame
Come back awhile to heal the wounds of war,
And find you thus, you'll hear no word of blame,
But they will think the more.
UNWRITTEN LETTERS TO THE KAISER.
No. XXIV.
(From the German Ambassador at Washington, D.C., U.S.A.)
All-Highest Majesty,―I have carried out to the best of my ability the commands conveyed to me by von Jagow and Bethmann-Hollweg, which I have treated as coming from the most serene and in-the-topmost-degree infallible mouth of my most gracious Emperor himself, and I am grieved to report that the result so far has been nothing of the smallest value to the German cause. This is the more regrettable because I have spent an infinity of labour in counteracting the designs of the malevolent and in representing the acts and opinions of your Majesty in the best light that circumstances would permit. In these circumstances I include Dernburg, who is now happily removed from this country. He was, if I may venture to say so, a sore trial to me during his stay here, and I cannot rejoice sufficiently over his departure, tardy though it was.
I must tell you quite frankly that the sinking of the Lusitania, from which we all hoped so much, has not hitherto produced the anticipated results. Indeed, the American people, as you may judge from the newspapers which I send herewith for your Majesty's inspection, have shown and are still showing a most unreasonable and obstinate anger on the subject. The stories I have put about as to the ship's being armed they openly say they do not believe, and thus they make an unforgivable imputation against my good faith (which does not, of course, matter) and against the veracity of your most transparent Majesty, which is acknowledged by all Germans to be beyond reproach. Mr. Wilson, the President, has spoken to me on this matter with inexplicable feeling. "We cannot admit," he said, "that Germany has the right to destroy American citizens engaged in their lawful business, but we go further and declare that this atrocious act is against the laws of humanity, which even Germany is bound to respect." That was disagreeable, and I was compelled to use the utmost tact in continuing the conversation. I reminded the President that there were many American citizens of German race, who, in case of a difference between Germany and the United States, would undoubtedly range themselves on the side of Germany; but the President calmly replied that this remark showed that I had not properly understood the sentiments of American citizens, no matter what their race might be. "They are," he said, "American citizens first and all the time. Why," he continued, "you have only to consult the newspapers or attend gatherings of citizens to realise that those who are called German-Americans are at this moment tumbling over one another with the most genuine protestations of unswerving loyalty and devotion to America. If you build on these, and believe they will support the lawless acts of your Government, I can only assure you that you are profoundly mistaken." Somehow I felt that it was just possible that he was right in his estimate. It would be a melancholy disappointment to us, and I think with sorrow of all the money we have spent to such small purpose.
In the course of further conversation I happened to allude jocosely to the use of asphyxiating gas by our ever-victorious army, but the President took me up very sternly and said this was no laughing matter, but a shocking example of inhuman cruelty. I ventured to contest this opinion, declaring that death by such means was really in itself quite pleasant, whereupon Mr. Wilson asked me if I was anxious to choose it for myself and what would be the inscription on the tombstone. "You remind me," he said, "of the man who left directions in his will as to the disposal of his body in case he survived his own decease." What is one to do with such a man, who cannot appreciate the value to humanity of the epoch-making inventions of German chemistry? Our interview then ended, and I cannot say that it left me satisfied with the present attitude of the American Government and the American people. They are a stiff-necked lot, and are, no doubt, jealous of the triumphs of Germany in peace and war. At any rate, I cannot but feel that my stay here is not so useful as we had hoped; but it is no fault of mine. If people will mistrust your Majesty's intentions and show a malignant disposition, how is an Ambassador to deal with them?
Yours in all lowliness,
Von Bernstorff.
Age-Limit Again Extended.
"The Gordon Highlanders.―500 Men Wanted immediately. Duration of War. Age 19-400."―South Wales Echo.
"They had no use for compulsion or conscription. They would never bow their necks to the yolk of coercion."―Daily News.
Not even if the shell burst close to them?