Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/575

A gentleman writes to The Evening News to mention that it is impossible now to get paper collars, as they were of Austrian make. We had noticed lately many of the smartest men about Town wearing the linen article.

"I know no more subtly delicious sensation," says Mr. Ernest Newman, "than sitting in a hall full of people who dislike you." Oh, that the Kaiser would realise this, and come to Westminster Hall!

The Vossische Zeitung publishes a paragraph suggesting that Lord Haldane, when he visited Wetzlar, the Werther town, was acting as a spy. Whatever may be the failings of that rotund statesman, the ex-Lord Chancellor, we fancy that this is the first time that he has been accused of being slim.

Further revelations as to the underfeeding of prisoners in Germany are now to hand, and are openly reported by the Tägliche Rundschau. In the Zoological Gardens at Berlin, we are told, the Polar bear is now getting fish refuse instead of bread, the brown bears have to content themselves with roots and raw potatoes, while the cranes and other water birds have been deprived of their meat.

The author of Esther Waters has addressed a letter to the Press, on the subject of the food question, which has aroused the wildest indignation in canine circles, and angry dogs are now asking for Moore. The distinguished novelist, who estimates that there are in London "a million and a half of dogs, every one of which eats as much as a human being," has, it is declared, mistaken the dogs' ambition for their actual achievements. It is Man, the dogs retort, that is the greedy animal, and, if he could only be abolished, there would be no food question at all.

A German surgical journal says that a Prussian cavalry captain who was wounded in September has now resumed active service with an artificial leg. More remarkable than this, in our opinion, is that quite a number of Austrian officers are fighting with wooden heads.

There is said to be some alarm among the clients of the beauty doctor who was deported the other day lest the lady should retaliate by publishing a chatty volume of reminiscences about the triumphs of her art, with illustrations of some of her more remarkable restorations.

"To the north of Neuville we carried some German listening posts."—French official communiqué. So there's another illusion gone—the dear old simile, "As deaf as a post."

"This war," complained a flabby peace-promoter, "is an iniquitous war." Well, it is being prosecuted; what more can he want?

The Ottawa Free Press announces that Mrs. Polly Anne Strodes, who is seventy years of age and has been married thirteen times, has decided to seek a divorce from her present spouse. This would seem to confirm the belief that thirteen is an unlucky number, anyhow as regards husbands.

While one may disapprove of those who during War-time have continued to take part in these sports, this language is surely stronger than the occasion warrants?

The French, The Evening Standard informed us the other day, have gained ground "on the heights which separate the valley of the Fecht from that of the Laugh." It is just as well that the Germans should realise that the Laugh is not always with them.

"Many Austro-German women dressed as ladies are infesting Northern Italy."

Australian Press.

"It is obvious that Mr. Lincoln cannot be trusted to tell the truth. His confessions testify to the efficiency of the Intelligence Departments of the War Office and the Admiralty."—Daily Chronicle.

Advertisement in a photographer's window:—

"Enlargements made. Faded ones guaranteed."

"Splendid manufacturing opportunity; only small amount of honey needed; must have good live man as partner."

News-Times (Denver).

No drone need apply.

Mr. Hillaire Belloc, in Land and Water, positively asserts that "the enemy consists in a certain group commonly called the Germanic powers." Ought these revelations, so helpful to the enemy, to be allowed? What is the Censor doing?

"The Hon. Secretary roported that the tender of Mr. H. Newton for panting at the hospital, of £36, had been accepted."

Northampton Chronicle.

Surely some of the patients could have done it cheaper.

"It looks to the new National Government to take all those steps which may be found necessary to weld the whole power of the nation into one mighty weapon with which to put an early fishing stroke to the war."

Western Morning News.

This new weapon must be some kind of rod—in pickle for the Kaiser.

From the paper that is ever first with the news:—

"Three years later, in July, 1915, Dr. ——— was strongly censured by a coroner's jury, &c."

Daily Mail, June 11, 1915.

"Colonel W. H. Walker (U ——— Widnes) asked whether the Board of Agriculture would communicate with county councils of districts where German prisoners are interned with the object of making arrangements for employment of pisoners for haymaking and other harvest help."—Manchester Guardian.

We trust the Government will not listen for a moment to this horrible suggestion.

The bronze horses of St. Mark, once probably on the Arch of Nero, and later on the Arch of Trojan."—The Field.

With the wooden horse of Troy playing so large a part in descriptions of the Dardanelles operations our contemporary's slip is intelligible.