Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/569

Boy (impressed by the sight of Tomkins, who has recently joined the Tooting Rough Riders Reserve Regiment). "Lor! Ain't 'e like a bloomin' Oolan?"

When my sister came up to town a couple of months ago she commented severely on my appearance. I was lacking in "tone" and looked ten years older than I ought to. When I demurred and observed that I was all right, and also that at my advanced age the appearance of years lent dignity, she grew annoyed. "You should take Malzwein regularly," she said. "George has been taking it for the last month and you wouldn't know him.". (George is my brother-in-law, a door-mat of a man). When I remarked that I had conscientious scruples about drinking German wines, Jane became almost angry. "'Malzwein' isn't a wine, it's a tonic made of malt and meat-juice and caseine, and recommended by the best doctors." Well, anyhow," I replied, "'Malzwein' must be of German origin, and I don't like trading with an alien enemy." "Nonsense," said Jane. "The firm is now reconstructed—I made sure of that by inquiry—all the directors are English, and the tonic is made in England. Besides, if it was a German product, and you derived advantage from it, you would be spoiling the Egyptians." I forebore to criticise the accuracy of Jane's parallel, because argument with her is generally ineffectual, and when she promised to send me a bottle I expressed my gratitude with well-simulated effusion. Two days later "Malzwein" arrived at my flat. He was a formidable-looking object in a cardboard case, with a quadrangular body and a lead-paper capsule covering his head. I placed him reverently on a shelf in my bedroom with other bottles, and having so to speak installed him in my pharmacopoeia forgot all about him until last week. It was on the night of the hottest day of the year, and I awoke at about 1.30 to be conscious of a sickly smell pervading the room.

Zeppelins—poison bombs—asphyxiating gases—such were the thoughts that crowded into my mind. But the night was still and my breathing was unaffected. I jumped out of the bed, switched on the light, and became aware of a gentle dripping sound from the shelf in the corner. And then the truth was revealed. "Malzwein" had burst, and a dark treacly substance was dripping down on to the floor. Whether it was the malt that had fermented with the heat, or the explosive energy of the caseine I cannot say, but anyhow "Malzwein's" head was blown off and he had done his best to behave like a bomb. Personally I cannot help thinking that this particularly bottle must have been made in Germany, and that it was inhabited by a malevolent imp who sought to be avenged on my indifference by at least destroying my carpet. Anyhow I am not going to take "Malzwein"—at least until I have had his remains analysed.

In a "leader" directed against compulsory military service The Daily News says:—

"In these matters we should beware of empty phrases, and we should be guided by three maxims."

Unfortunately the War Office has none of these weapons to spare.

"Bees for Sale; strong, healthy stock; only one left.—Apply, 'Gardener'"

Llandudno Advertiser.

In the circumstances the use of the plural seems hardly justified.

"As for we Londoners, who are supposed to be cowering in our holes, respirator on mouth, we are still our old dogged determined selves."

Evening Standard.

Though the respirator does interfere a little with our parts of speech.

From an Australian trade circular:—

"For Sale. Country Butchering Business Safe Southern District. Turnover, 2¹⁄₂ bodies and 25 sheep weekly. Reliable man could be supplied wholesale, live or dead, by the vendors."

The "Safe Southern district" would appear to be situate in the Cannibal Islands.

"In various parts of South Germany earthquake hocks have been felt."—Times.

These Rhine wines have been known to have a disturbing effect upon the pavement even in this country.