Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/562

When I joined, the battalion was 1,500 strong. In those days I never bothered to look for a job; jobs were flung at me. "Somebody must take the company digging," said the Captain to the junior Captain; "You heard that?" said the junior Captain to the senior Subaltern; "Carry on," said the senior Subaltern to me; and for three and a half hours the company and I excavated heavily. After two months of this my health broke down so badly that I had to go before a medical board. "Nothing less than five bottles of champagne, five plays, and five little suppers," they reported, "can save this officer's valuable life." So I took five days' leave...

I came back as from another world, and reported myself to my Captain next morning in a dazed condition.

"Hallo," he said; "had a good time?"

I could hardly trust myself to tell him what a good time I had had.

"That's right. Well, somebody must take the company digging."

I saluted and went out. It was all just the same, but now I was glad of it. I wanted to forget about my five days' leave. The harder the work, the less time to think.

The Orderly-Sergeant came up to me as I reached the company lines.

"Company present, Sir," he said.

"Present where?" I asked, looking round the horizon.

"Here, Sir," he said, indicating a man next to him.

I opened and shut my eyes rapidly several times; no more men appeared. It was obviously a dream.

"Wake me up properly in an hour's time," I said, "and bring me some hot water."

"This is all the men for parade," he said patiently.

"This one one?"

"Yes, Sir."

I turned to it. "Company, stand easy," I said, "while the Sergeant explains."

The explanation was simple. Taking advantage of my absence the War Office had sent more than a thousand men to France or some such foreign place. There was only just enough left for guards, fatigues and what nots. Moreover I was now the senior Subaltern of the company.

"Well," I said, "we must carry on. What's the parade this morning? Digging?"

"Attack on a flagged position is down in orders, Sir, but it's sure to he cancelled."

"Why? Our man could hold the flag. He's just the shape for it. Well, anyhow, we'd better get down to the parade-ground. Company, slope arms. Move to the left in ones—form ones. By the centre, quick march."

I got my man down safely, none of the company falling out on the way, and stood him at ease while I considered how to display him to the best advantage. I was just maturing a clever idea for misleading the Sergeant-Major by trotting my man round and round him several times with great rapidity, when the Orderly-Sergeant came back with the news that the parade was off.

"Then so am I," I said, and I went back and reported to my Captain.

"I thought that there wouldn't be much doing," he said, "but you'd better hang about a bit in case anything turns up."

"Can't I help you at all?"

"No, thanks; not at present."

So I hung about. It was a sultry day—the sort of day when doing nothing makes you hotter than the most violent exercise. After an hour I could bear it no longer; I went back to the company room.

The Captain was just signing something.

"Blotting-paper?" he said, looking round at a junior Subaltern near him.

The junior Subaltern stretched out his hand for the blotting-paper.

"Pardon me," I said, stopping him just in time. "You have been busy all day; I have done nothing as yet. This is my work." And I handed the Captain the blotting-paper.

The junior Subaltern nearly cried.

"It isn't fair," he said. The junior Subaltern's always supposed to do all the work. As it is I haven't had anything to do for three days. At least, except yesterday. And they only let me take something across to the orderly-room yesterday because it was raining."

I looked at him eagerly.

"Say that again," I commanded. You took something across to the orderly-room—right across the square?"

"Yes. You see, it was raining hard."

"And then walked back again and reported that you'd done it? Two walks?" He nodded. "I say, I wonder if there's any chance today———"

The Captain looked up.

"I shall want somebody to take this across to the———"

The junior Subaltern was just a shade too quick for me.

"Yes, Sir," he said, snatching at it.

I followed him to the door.

"I must remind you that I am your superior officer," I said, as I got my foot against the door just in time. "Give me that paper."

"Be a sportsman," he pleaded.

"It isn't only that. What I feel is that you are too young for a job of this kind. We want a more experienced hand." I took the paper from him. "There is a particular busy way of walking across to the orderly-room which it takes weeks to acquire. You would probably stroll across as if you were going to borrow a match, and then the whole job would be wasted. Now watch this."

I strode briskly across the square, the obviously official document fluttering in my hand. A few subalterns with nothing to do watched me enviously. Outside the orderly-room door I hesitated a moment, and then turned round sharply and strode back again. The junior Subaltern, mouth open, waited for me to come up to him.

"By the way," I said, tapping the document in a business-like way, "is it Monday or three pairs?"

"Who did?" he said stupidly.

"Because, if it was Portsmouth," I went on, "it ought to have been endorsed on the back." I showed him the back, nodded to him, and hurried off to the orderly-room again. I handed in the paper and stepped briskly back to report to my Captain.

*****

"Initiative," I said to the junior Subaltern, two minutes later, as I upset the ink over the Captain's table, "initiative is what you junior officers lack so greatly (I'm extremely sorry, Sir; let me mop it up. Perhaps I'd better write these lists out again, Sir, as I've spoilt them rather). Initiative, my dear young friend," I went on, as I selected a suitable pen, "is to the subaltern on active service what-er———" I caught his eye suddenly and had pity on him. "If you're very good," I said, "you may read these names out to me."

We settled down to it.

"'The German Ambassador's face thereupon became suffused with all the colours of the rainbow.'

Signor Salandra concluded: 'Von Flotow was a gentleman.'"—Evening News.

Without this assurance we might have been tempted to imagine that he was a chameleon.

"Rome, Tuesday.—Great indignation is felt at a report from Barletta that the Austrian destroyer which yesterday fired on the town, hitting the castle, was flying the British gag."—Evening Times.

We wonder that the Press Bureau permitted this impudent infringement of its powers.