Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/559

Tommy (who has just caught an intruded and is asphyxiating it). "Nah, then, what abaht yer bloomin' respirator?"

The other week I had the privilege of laying before the world (or, to be more precise, the threepenny world) a choice example of unambiguous letter-writing on the part of a little Polish tailor. There now arrives the very latest specimen of the Baboo skill in this art; and, as very often happens, the writer is an official connected with a railway. The classic example of Baboo railway correspondence is the frantic telegram about the tiger that was consuming the staff. In the following document we find similar trouble, but the tiger is now a man. An ironical touch to the affair is added by the circumstance that the unfortunate officer in charge who tells the tale had taken command of the assaulted station only that morning. But here is the letter:—

"Further to my code CP of date I hasten to inform you that this noon about 2.30 P.M. I noticed a quarrel just behind this office window. I paid little or no attention to this, but a little later on I heard a great alarm raised from the station platform; rushing out I saw to my great surprise a heap of men in one mass, few bleeding; sticks and fists were freely used. With the help of few passengers I approached the mob, not without fearful beating in my heart, and attempted to separate them in vain, and at the way one burly-looking villain stared at me I left the place, leaving them to their own fate, and got inside the office. I tried every one of the staff to send for the Headman, but none would dare for fear of being assaulted by one who I understand is the bully of the place. Shortly this particular individual rushed inside carrying the door-bar, which he broke off, and used criminal force on me and the booking clerk. He threatened both of us of bodily harm, swearing that he will bring down the whole station apparently for no reason.

"It was far more than what a man alive could have put up with, and but for the timidity of the staff I would have bundled them together. I thought of my firearm more than once. Thanks to Providence, I controlled, although I am unable to say how. He pulled me about twice, and it was my sickness that prevented me from running him down to earth. In the meantime I wired to all concerned. He has also damaged some flower plants, etc. No. 17 Down was due, and when she was approaching the mob dispersed and this burly villain rushed inside again and forced a ticket from the B.C., who very wisely issued it lest he would assault and upset all, for the man appeared very desperate and fearful and did not pay the fare of the ticket. The police arrived and are taking necessary steps. I would like to point out that the life of the station staff here is in danger every minute.

"I took charge of the station only to-day.

"(Signed) O. in C."

The curious thing about this letter is its frank admission of fear. Usually the writer testifies to his own courage and reflects on the pusillanimity of his staff; but here the Officer in Charge, although he admits that the staff was timid too, does not disguise his own reluctances.

But what a first day!

From a stock-broker's circular:—

"You will see that several guilt-edged issues can now be purchased at prices which will yield you over four per cent."

The reference is presumably to the German and Austrian Government stocks.