Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/539

Hostess. "No, I have no relatives at the Front. The War makes no difference to darling Boniface and me, excepting that, of course, I have reduced my subscriptions."

The passion for scoring off others is in some persons deeply rooted. No one held it in greater esteem than a late friend, whom I will call Mr. Aberdeen, because that was the place of his birth. He was blessed with an impassive face, which never betrayed the fun lurking behind it, and his general demeanour was so sedate and respectable that none of his victims suspected mischief. He played no practical jokes; he was the soul of courtesy in his own walk of life; but the very sight of anyone in the position of an underling excited him to a process which he himself might term the elongation of the nether limb.

One of his favourite devices was the adoption of exact but unfamiliar periphrasis. Thus, needing Punch, he would ask young bookstall clerks for The London Charivari, and for years before the sub-title was given up his enquiry at evening was for The Globe and Traveller. Recent journalistic amalgamations afforded fresh chances and he had the satisfaction of demanding both The Daily News and Leader and The Star and Echo before he passed away.

He would gravely ask a porter if he thought that he could find him a taximeter cab, or if there were facilities at this or that terminus for sending a message by the electric telegraph. Cabmen he bewildered by the request for change in "bronze," and if they had none it was his delight to convey the question (like a boomerang) to the nearest policeman, with whose Force the phrase of course originated.

A similar meticulousness would accompany his purchase of theatre tickets. You are quite sure that Miss Gertrude Millar will be in the cast?" he would say to the box office attendant; or Mr. Henry Tate is not absent, I trust."

"Dress.—Reference Garrison Order 664 of 16th April, 1915. Officers above the rank of 2nd Lieutenant may wear trousers when in the town."—Garrison Orders, Weymouth.

"A week ago the Liberal Government, with Lord Kitchener as War Minister, Mr. Churchill and Lord Fisher at the Admiralty, and most of the other offices held by well-tired statesmen, appeared to be firmly established and likely to last as long as the war."

Daily Sketch.

Truth will out, even in a misprint ofHuman Fortresses.

"The Germans rained bombs in rapid succession in the central part of the town. Three fell almost at the same moment in Burdett-avenue, one hitting and scorching a tree on the pavement, one—a shrapnel bomb—striking the roof of a special constable and flying upwards instead of downwards."

Daily News.

"During the advance of General Mackensen from Gorlitze by Jaroslav to Naklo, north-east of Przemysl, an officer holding a responsible position received within a short space of time 10,000 bombs on his front."

Newcastle Evening Mail.

"Darjeeling, May 8.

Mr. Sherlock Holmes was arrested on the evening 1st at Kurseong for impersonating a Police Officer and has been bailed."

Bengalee (Calcutta).

A case of professional jealousy, no doubt. We are waiting to hear what Watson has to say about it.

"Dorset Coast.—Furnished, inaccessible fifteenth century Cottage; four bedrooms, bath-room, kitchen, sitting-room; twelfth century chapel; no neighbours; sea two minutes; station five miles."—The Friend.

And three centuries between cottage and chapel. No, it is too inaccessible for our taste.