Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/409
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April 21, 1915
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
315
Bloated Loafer (who has talked of nothing but his wealth for the last hour). "Beastly rough luck—two of my cars are under repair; andother one's bein' painted. I've only got the little one to go about in!"
Artist. "I know the feeling, old chap; I was poor once myself."
TOTAL PROHIBITION OF ADJECTIVES.
(A Journalistic Dream.)
When the Press Bureau decided to prohibit once for all
The use of any adjectives by writers great or small,
Dejection reigned in Fleet Street, and a welkin-piercing wail
Went up from all the journalists connected with the M**l.
The use of any adjectives by writers great or small,
Dejection reigned in Fleet Street, and a welkin-piercing wail
Went up from all the journalists connected with the M**l.
All the purple patch producers straight determined to convene
A conference of Protest—I was present at the scene;
And though its poignant pathos my descriptive art defies
The substance of the speeches I propose to summarize.
A conference of Protest—I was present at the scene;
And though its poignant pathos my descriptive art defies
The substance of the speeches I propose to summarize.
First spoke the great Garvinius: "My brothers, do not flinch;
To the tyrannous Buchmeister we will never yield an inch
For the life-blood of the headline, of the leader and the 'par'
Is that especial part of speech he seeks to ban and bar.
To the tyrannous Buchmeister we will never yield an inch
For the life-blood of the headline, of the leader and the 'par'
Is that especial part of speech he seeks to ban and bar.
"'Tis true some ancient pedant, whose taste was wholly vile,
Declared that nouns and verbs composed the proper stuff of style,
But full adherence to this view one very rarely finds
Except in frigid, self-restrained, undemocratic minds."
Declared that nouns and verbs composed the proper stuff of style,
But full adherence to this view one very rarely finds
Except in frigid, self-restrained, undemocratic minds."
Then followed Leo Maximus, lord of the biting tongue,
Upon whose scarifying words the packed assembly hung,
Who swore he'd sooner die than be forbidden to describe
As "poisonous pro-Bosches" the Mond and Brunner tribe.
Upon whose scarifying words the packed assembly hung,
Who swore he'd sooner die than be forbidden to describe
As "poisonous pro-Bosches" the Mond and Brunner tribe.
With sacerdotal fervour next good Begbie took the floor,
Exuding moral uplift from ev'ry bounteous pore,
And upon the vast assembly fell a soul-enthralling calm
As he deluged their emotions with his super-fatted balm.
Exuding moral uplift from ev'ry bounteous pore,
And upon the vast assembly fell a soul-enthralling calm
As he deluged their emotions with his super-fatted balm.
I cannot quite remember all the noble things he said,
But one seraphic sentiment stuck firmly in my head:
"How can we render justice, thus restricted and confined,
To Lodge's beatific brow or Bryan's holy mind?"
But one seraphic sentiment stuck firmly in my head:
"How can we render justice, thus restricted and confined,
To Lodge's beatific brow or Bryan's holy mind?"
But the most pathetic protest heard on that historic day
Was uttered by our priceless and ineffable "Tay Pay,"
Who in accents choked with anguish made it absolutely clear
That this abstinence from adjectives would ruin his career.
Was uttered by our priceless and ineffable "Tay Pay,"
Who in accents choked with anguish made it absolutely clear
That this abstinence from adjectives would ruin his career.
"In times of stress to make the wheels of life run smoothly round
An all-pervasive lubricant must obviously be found,
And," the orator continued, Stanley Buckmaster forgets
That this aim is best achieved by eulogistic epithets."
An all-pervasive lubricant must obviously be found,
And," the orator continued, Stanley Buckmaster forgets
That this aim is best achieved by eulogistic epithets."
"If I am not allowed to say our men are brave and fine,
Or that our women, young and old, with charms celestial shine—
If I'm forbid to lard with praise the lean expanse of prose,
I may as well at once prepare for turning up my toes."
Or that our women, young and old, with charms celestial shine—
If I'm forbid to lard with praise the lean expanse of prose,
I may as well at once prepare for turning up my toes."
We have not heard what answer to this cosmos-shaking threat,
If any, has been issued by the Press Burean as yet,
But it's credibly reported that the Premier will advise
The amending of the order by the following compromise:―
If any, has been issued by the Press Burean as yet,
But it's credibly reported that the Premier will advise
The amending of the order by the following compromise:―
Only epithets officially endorsed by the Bureau
Will be passed for publication, and the rest will have to go,
Including, as you've probably the shrewdness to discern
"Terrific" and "significant," "amazing," "grim" and "stern."
Will be passed for publication, and the rest will have to go,
Including, as you've probably the shrewdness to discern
"Terrific" and "significant," "amazing," "grim" and "stern."