Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/396
THE ERRORS OF OMNISCIENCE.
[Herr Ballin, returning from the Front, where he had an audience of the Kaiser, has given to an American interviewer on account of his Imperial Master's views about the War. Wilhelm II is represented to have said: "I never desired this war. Every act of mine in the twenty-six years of my government proves that I did not want to bring about this or any other war." He ascribed its origin to the diplomacy of Sir Edward Grey. He was certain of victory, but offered no pronouncement as to the date of its consummation.]
To see your way through walls of brick;
You carry your divining rod
As others wear a walking stick;
You have the entrée of Olympian premises,
And go hobnobbing, arm-in-arm, with Nemesis.
The lies that lesser folk are fed on;
With cloudless vision you detect
The origin of Armageddon;
By Instinct, far aloof from Reason's laws,
Infallibly you spot the fatal cause.
That drew his bloody blade and sabred
The peace for which yourself and friends
Through six-and-twenty years had laboured?
It was that demon clad in human clay,
That monstrous Machiavelli, Edward Grey.
It overlooked the schemes, so sinister,
Which lurked within the baleful breast
Of that nefarious Foreign Minister;
And, all the time these plots were being grown,
You deemed his heart as simple as your own.
Left you, of course, a little shaken;
Touching the War-drums' final roll
You gave no odds and none were taken;
Though Victory was yours as sure as Fate,
You weren't prepared to specify the date.
My dear illusions roughly shattered;
Who counted your omniscient mind
Among the things that really mattered).
Can hardly bear to think that now and then
You share the ignorance of common men.
O.S.
THE DRILL BOOK.
"You seem," said Francesca, "to be profoundly interested in that little red book."
"Hush!" I said. "Don't speak to me, or you'll drive it all out of my head. It wasn't very securely lodged, anyhow, and now it's gone. I shall have to begin all over again."
"What in the world is this man talking about?"
"Francesca, I will tell you. This man is talking about The New Company Drill at a Glance."
"Oh, but you've done much more than glance at it. I've been watching you for half an hour, and you've pored over it, and groaned over it, and turned it sideways and upside-downways, and yet you don't seem to be happy."
"I will not," I said, "disguise from you that I am far from happy. This book contains numerous diagrams beautifully printed in red and black. Diagrams always make me feel that they are printed the wrong way round, and that I should understand them perfectly if I could only stand on my head or turn myself temporarily inside out. I can't do that, so I try to turn the diagram inside out, or get it to stand on its head. I'm like that with maps, too—but it's not a bit of good. I only get more and more confused. Napoleon wasn't afflicted like that. He just sat down in a barn or somewhere and studied his maps, and then went and won a battle."
"Why drag in Napoleon?" said Francesca. "You're a Platoon Commander of Volunteers, and you're knocked off your perch by a diagram in a little red drill-book. Well, throw it away. Trample on it. Put it in a drawer and forget it."
"How can I forget what I've never known? No, I must go on trying to learn it. I must tread my weary path alone. Francesca, how would you make a line form line of platoons in fours facing in the same direction?"
"I should just ask them to do it, you know. I should appeal to their better feelings and say, 'Now, men, you've got to form a what's his name in fours. I'm sure you won't leave me in the lurch, so get to work and form it; and, whatever you do, mind you face in the same direction.' That would fetch them, I'm sure."
"It would," I said; "and it would also fetch the inspecting officer and all the other big bugs who might be present."
"Well," she said, "how would you and your little red book do it, then?"
"I should inflate my chest and shout out 'Advance in Fours from the right of Platoons. Form Fours———' and there's a lot more, but I've dropped my glasses and can't read it."
"Ha ha!" laughed Francesca. "An officer in eyeglasses! Extract from Sir John French's despatch: 'At this point a Commander of Volunteers began to order his men to form fours in platoons facing in the same direction, but, having dropped his glasses, he was unable to read his drill-book and was immediately afterwards taken prisoner with his men. This regrettable incident deprives the army of a very gallant officer.'"
"Laugh away," I said bitterly; "pour cold water on my enthusiasm. If you can't think of anything better to do I suggest your leaving me alone with my drill-book, for I'm determined to master it, diagrams and all."
"That," she said, "is the spirit I like. A father of a family, fairly well on in years, is left alone with a drill-book, and sets his teeth and gets the better of it. But tell me, do they really have to do that sort of thing in the trenches?"
"Oh, yes," I said, "they do it constantly. No day can be called complete unless they form line of platoons in fours facing in the same direction."
"I haven't noticed anything about it in the soldiers' letters in the papers. They generally say the Jack Johnsons covered them with earth, but that they fixed bayonets, rushed the last twenty-five yards and got back a bit of their own, and what brave men their officers are. If ever you have to fight I should like your men to say that of you."
"If you really want that," I said, "you must let me mug up this infernal drill-book. If I don't know something about it I shall never be able to face the inspection next Sunday, let alone rushing the last twenty-five yards into the German trenches, which I shall certainly endeavour to do if I ever get the chance."
"Well, I'll give you a quarter-of-an-hour all to yourself, and then I'll come back and hear you say your drill."
"Splendid! That's the way to help a Volunteer."
"Yes, I'll be an Army Corps or a Division or a Brigade, and you shall order me about to your heart's content."
"Good; but if you're not quick about forming forward a column of fours into column of platoons there'll be trouble."
"I'll form forward," she said, "or perish in the attempt."
R.C.L.