Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/395

A letter received in Bâle from a responsible source states that it has been decided to kill all dogs in Germany, "with certain rare exceptions." These will, of course, include the Mad Dog of Potsdam.

Wehr und Waffen has been pointing out that human hair makes an excellent substitute for the lime-destroying material which is ordinarily used in the boilers of war-ships, and it advises patriotic Germans to pay a visit to the barber's. As a consequence of this appeal Admiral von Tirpitz, it is reported, is contemplating parting with his famous whiskers before they get singed again.

"With regard to the statement of the British Government that the German Navy neglected to rescue shipwrecked men," says a German Official Note, "the inference contained therein that rescues have been intentionally neglected can only be denied with horror." The horror is ours.

For the following Charivarium we are indebted to the Frankfurter Zeitung. It is extracted from an article complaining of the unimpressionable natures of Northern France, whose country has been devastated by the enemy:—"When our troops pass along the streets to the sound of music, which anywhere else would awaken the souls of men, there is no awakening echo; there is silence, an indescribably saddening silence, which seems to mock our most serious efforts to make friends of these people and accustom them gradually to the misunderstood benefits of German civilisation." The professional humorist can do nothing with this kind of stuff.

Annapolis, U.S.A., was startled, the other day, by what sounded like the explosion of a heavy bomb. It transpired that the German language had been dropped from the curriculum of the Naval Academy there.

It was rumoured last week that Lord Hugh Cecil, who wrote to The Times to announce that it was not his intention himself to abstain, had perished under an avalanche of whisky advertisements.

Thousands of confirmed teetotalers have announced their intention of following the King's example with regard to intoxicants.

Certain advanced opponents of strong drink are going to strange lengths, and a Mile End dairyman has got into trouble for adding water to his milk.

"I must admire England's colossal skill in the invention of lies," says Admiral von Tirpitz. This is, anyhow, praise from an expert.

The Simplified Spelling Society is reported to be interesting itself in the Przemysl and kindred difficulties. Might we draw the attention of this Society to the fact that the Turk is also unspeakable?

It has now been decided to utilise Alexandra Palace for the reception and detention of German prisoners. The Germans are gradually getting all our Palaces; Buckingham Palace, however, still holds out.

Sister (writing letter to brother at the Front). "And hae ye onything else tae say, father?"

Father. "Ay! Tell Donal' that if he comes ower yon German waiter that gaed us a bad saxpence for change when we had a bit dinner in London a while syne, tell him—tae—tak—steady aim."

"The total for the day's ale was £3,855."

Evening News.

Auctions are thirsty work.

"The ideal of the prohibtotalition of the sale of alcohol seemed to him to be fraught with a great deal of difficulty."

Leamington Daily Circular.

We confess that the mere mention of it terrifies us.

"Our Future Lies on the Water. By a Prussian Officer," is the recent announcement of an English translation of a German work. We look forward to them with interest, though we doubt if the Prussian officer will be able to outdo what Wolff's Agency has accomplished on land.

From a catalogue of gramophone records:—

"'A Love Song.' (Kaiser.)"

A pleasant change from the "Hymn of Hate."

The following recently appeared in the "Orders of the Day" of the 4th Queen's at Lucknow:—

"The Bishop will preach at the Parade service. Troops will take twenty rounds of ball ammuuition."

This precaution was presumably adopted in case the Bishop should deliver a charge.

Extract from The Mark Lane Express, Agricultural Journal and Live Stock Record:—

"Cheese continues to move upwards. All sorts share in the movement, and there are some curious kinds."

There are; and apparently they all come into the category of "live stock."

"At first there seemed danger that mines with which Channel plentifully strewn might prove greater obstacle than forts, but mine news-papers have hitherto been able clear course efficiently."—Pioneer.

In this admirable enterprise The Pioneer naturally leads the way.

"A resolution was adopted which instructed Secretary Rigg to write to the department of militia asking for:—(a) The names of the shoemakers who were catering for the feeding of the troops; (b) the names of the cooks and caterers supplying the boots and shoes; (c) the names of the lawyers who had been successful in the contract for the tailoring supplies."

Winnipeg Free Press.

We can understand that the first two items should have caused some dissatisfaction, but surely the lawyers ought to have been competent to look after the suits.

From a Sale Catalogue:—

"Plaid Silks in all the latest Clans Good Quality."

The older clans are, of course, quite démodés.