Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/357
Volunteer Reservist (hoping to be contradicted). "I shall look an awful fool in this uniform."
Tailor. "Well, Sir, you can always wear a mackintosh."
IN PLACE OF ———
The wave of patriotic teetotalism which is washing over the country is certain to bring out a new crop of those non-alcoholic beverages which are so far more delightful and exhilarating than the genuine articles which they counterfeit. Already The Daily Mail, with its encyclopædic sagacity, has discovered and made known to the world the secret of the composition of the KING's barleywater, which, strange to say, is made "by pouring boiling water on to the barley." Next will come the alluring substitutes.
Many years ago an abstainer's beer was put on the market and puffed by a Bishop in some such series of ecstatic sentences as "It looks like beer! It tastes like beer! It smells like beer! But it is not beer!" That probably will be the model for the new encomiasts.—Thus:
Rechabite Claret.
This wine, which has been prepared by a famous chemist from a recipe of his own, is guaranteed to take the place of the best French Bordeaux wines. Absolutely non-alcoholic. Made in two varieties:—
Château Cochineal per dozen 24s.
Château Aniline. " 12s.
Testimonial.
The Bishop of Soda and Man writes:—It looks like claret. It is wet like claret. But it certainly is not claret.
If you want the best whisky substitute ask for "Wilfy Lawson."
Established over a hundred minutes and still going strong.
The Favourite Brand.
Absolutely non-stimulating.
No effects of any kind.
Good old "Wilfy Lawson" on every bottle.
Testimonial.
Dear Sirs,—Your Wilfy Lawson Whisky is perfect as a non-stimulant. I drank two gallons yesterday, with my finger on my pulse all the time, and it did not accelerate it in the least.
(Signed) C. F. G. Masterman.
Cinque Port.
This glutinous and saccharine decoction has been carefully prepared by some of the ablest hands in the country to meet a demand for a non-intoxicating festive beverage during the War. Highly economical, as no one can take a second glass. When thrown away makes excellent beetle destroyer.
The Cinque Ports, which are already famous, are put up in two forms of bottle, with cobwebs and without.
Price (with cobwebs from the best spiders) per dozen 60s.
Without cobwebs 12s.
Testimonial.
Dear Sir,—The wedding of my second son last week was made memorable to all present by a single bottle of your Cinque Port.
Yours faithfully, Rosebery.
All the best known Bottles!
Messrs. Gloster, the famous bottlers, have arranged to meet popular tastes by bottling pure Malvern water in every kind of recognised wine bottles—champagne, hock, claret, etc., with the original labels intact. Consumers will thus be complying with the new and most laudable custom of teetotalism and yet be enjoying the illusion of resorting to the best-stored cellars for refreshment.
Testimonial.
Dear Sir,—Please send another gross of the 1901 Veuve Joyeuse. Our dinner-parties are a great success when these bottles grace the board.
(Signed) Randall Cantuar.
Personal.
Situation required as Butler. Age 50. Highest references required. Thorough knowledge of every kind of water.—Apply, 5, Reservoir Gardens, Bridgwater.
"The Sayer posted on Black List by Police does not refer to W. Sayer, Chimney Sweep, 7, Jarvis Street."—Advt. in "Cape Times."
In the circumstances some misapprehension was perhaps pardonable.