Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/351

"The Kaiser," says Professor Lasson, "is as innocent of this War as a little babe." This is the unkindest remark about infants that we have ever encountered.

Germany is reported to be greatly incensed at our offering only £10 apiece for the return of the two German officers who escaped from the concentration camp in Denbighshire.

The Press Bureau has issued a communiqué as to what articles may be sent to British prisoners in Germany. We understand that, in addition to those specified, the German Government has no objection to gold and copper being sent in small or even large quantities.

We learn from an interview that Professor Haeckel, of Jena, is especially angry with us, because we have put Germany to the inconvenience of having to face three fronts. She could have managed two easily, but she was never more than double-faced.

In a letter from the Front, an English soldier mentions that one day he found that some of his chums had been using his Insect Powder with their steak under the impression that pepper. They suffered no ill effects from it; but this vermindestroyer would without doubt have killed most Prussians.

The lonely soldier who advertised for correspondents and received, three days later, 3,000 letters, has come to the conclusion that there are worse things than loneliness.

"Which are the most abused words in journalism?" asks The Observer. We do not know about the others, but "Kaiser" seems to us to come in for a fair share of vituperation.

Lord Derby, it is stated, has outlined a scheme for a dock labourers' battalion of the Liverpool Regiment, to be formed on trade union lines. The difficulty will be to get the enemy to agree that no battle shall last longer than eight hours.

Further evidence is to hand to prove that the German is made of sturdier stuff than the Englishman. In Berlin certain citizens are converting the flower balconies of their houses into war balconies by growing vegetables there, including onions.

"The one section of public opinion in this country which can crush Prussian politics," says Mr. Ramsay Macdonald, "is the Independent Labour Party." The I.L.P. really over-rates its deadliness.

Interviewed on the subject of the drink trouble a brewer is reported to have said:―"To stop an industry employing indirectly 3,000,000 people in the middle of the greatest struggle we have known would be like building a steam-roller to kill a beetle." A more apt simile would perhaps be "to smash a bottle."

The heading in The Daily Mirror:―

has, it is reported, had the effect of causing this popular actress to be bombarded with advertisements of complexion tonics.

The Crown Princess of Germany has given birth to a dear little burglarette.

No, they haven't started yet. They are only trying to decide who shall represent the Germans.

The following announcement was recently given out by the Vicar in a country church:―"The collection today will be for church expenses, and we hope there will be a liberal response as the east wall of the church is in a very precarious state and needs undergirding. We are having a collection, as it would otherwise only fall on part of the congregation. We hope the balance will be on the right side."

"I am in a position, however, to add one other fact to these data, namely, that during the past few days Italy has entered into closer contact with a view to obtain a more comprehensive survey of the perspective as envisaged in the light of one of the alternatives which open out before her."

Dr. E. J. Dillon in "The Daily Telegraph."

"Thes elf-sacrifice of war was ealt wdith in moving words by the Archbishop of York in preaching again at Hull to-day."

Edinburgh Evening News.

The movement of the words have been overdone.

"The sailors of the Medjidich showed a deportment which is worthy of every praise.

Before the sinking of the ship all breeches were completely removed."―Evening News.

The Turks were evidently quite prepared for a whipping.

Mr. F. T. Jane in "The War by Water:

"If Russia captured Constantinople, it would clear the air of a possible bone of contention between the Allies, on 'dragging chestnuts out of the fire' lines."

Our own practice, when we see a bone of contention floating in the air, is to nip it in the bud, and devil it while the chestnuts are still in the firing lines. But Mr. Jane is perhaps right in putting literary elegance above the mere avoidance of mixed metaphor, which is a purely psychological matter and of no military importance whatever.

Follow the King's example and give up everything but Punch.

Under the heading, "Why some people drink," The Evening News deals with what it calls "Xxcuses for drunkenness." This quaint spelling is probably a subtle way of indicating the XX which was doubtless one of them.

"During the whole of last night the enemy bombarded the trenches which e ad lost yesterday at the Bois Le Prêtre."

Manchester Guardian.

The enemy's aspirates seems to have shared the fate of his aspirations.

"Several farmers spoke as to the enormous damage which was done by sparrows to wheat crops, and Mr. Jos. Willett, of Nantwich, said that last year in half an acre of wheat not one stork was left with a grain."―Daily Dispatch.

This civil war between sparrows and storks must be stopped.