Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/348

"The man you ought to see," they told me, "is the Transport Officer, Southern Barracks."

I found him seated in a large chair in a small oflice. "I have come," I said, "to enlist your sympathy."

"It is yours," he replied, handing me his cigarette-case.

"Also your assistance."

"Ah!" he said sadly, and waved me to a seat.

"Though not myself a military man," I continued, "I have for some time past been working under the military authorities, who are removing me next month, with my wife, children, furniture and other household effects, to a sphere of usefulness on Salisbury Plain. For purposes of furniture transport they created for me some time ago a niche in the Allowance Regulations, which entitles me to free carriage of goods to the amount, on my own account of one ton, on that of my wife of 5 cwt., and on that of each of my two children of 1 cwt.―a total of 1 ton 7 cwt. Our united furniture, however, weighs in all 1 ton 7 cwt. 5 lb. On the other hand, on the occasion of our last shift it only ran to 1 ton 5 cwt. What I want to know is, will the Transport people in consideration of the previous shortage, include the extra 5 lbs. this time in the move? Their net gain on the two events would still be the carriage of 1 cwt. 107 lb."

I drew a deep breath and leant back in my chair.

He sighed, and for a while we smoked in silence. Then he spoke.

"The fact is," he said, "Transport is not really my job. They have only roped me in for it temporarily. Would you mind if I called in my clerk? "

"Not at all," I answered. He pressed a button and his subordinate appeared, a short, spare, disagreeably intelligent-looking man.

"Er―would you mind―er―?" said the Transport Officer to me.

I drew a second breath, a little deeper, if anything, than the first, and re-stated my case.

"What can we do for this gentleman?" asked the Transport Officer.

"Nothing, Sir," said his clerk stonily.

"Can we send him to anybody else?"

"Yes, Sir, we can send him to―" a peculiarly sinister expression flitted across his face―"the A.A. and Q.M.G. at the fort."

"Thank you," I murmured.

"I was afraid," I said, as the man left the room, "that he was going to mention another person, inhabiting a less respectable locality."

"I'm not sure," replied the Transport Officer thoughtfully, "that it doesn't come to much the same thing."

It took me half an hour to reach the fort, situated at the summit of a long hill, and another half-hour to reach the A.A. and Q.M.G., situated at a massive leather-topped table. There was no suggestion, with this officer, of sympathy or cigarettes. He had a very brief manner.

"Yes," he said, as I entered.

I stated my case.

"That all?"

"Yes," I answered; "can you manage it?"

"No."

At the door I paused and turned. "I forgot to mention that I am prepared, if necessary, to carry the matter to the House of Lords."

"What?"

I repeated my remark.

"You'd better go and see the O.C.A.S.C.," he said.

I descended the hill and finally succeeded in discovering the official habitat of the O.C.A.S.C. He was out. Would he be in again? Probably. When? Impossible to predict; would I wait? I would wait. A clerk led me gently into an inner room, placed a Bradshaw near my hand, and left me. As I perused the volume I grew more and more surprised at the undoubtedly wide circulation which it enjoys. The plot is trivial; the style, though terse and occasionally epigrammatic, is unrelieved by dialogue of any description; and it is impossible, without keeping at least three fingers in the index, to gain an adequate idea of the doings of any of the characters. After about an hour I rang the bell and asked for an A.B.C. At the end of the second hour I had committed to memory the populations of all the more important towns in the Home Counties. Just as twilight fell the clerk returned and told me that the O.C.A.S.C. had arrived. I followed him into another apartment.

The O.C.A.S.C. was wandering rather aimlessly about his office. "Did you want to see me?" he asked absently.

I stated my case.

"It's a most extraordinary thing!" he exclaimed, coming at last to a standstill.

"What?" I inquired.

"Where my matches get to," he replied. "I wonder if I might trouble you just to help me find them?"

We took a long time over it, since it had not occurred to him to look in the right-hand pocket of his coat. At length, however, I discovered them there. He was very much obliged to me. "And now tell me what can I do for you?" he said. I re-stated my case. He listened attentively. "I am afraid," he said, "that this will have to be referred to the War Office. I must ask you to put it in writing." I sat down and stated my case in writing.

"Thank you," said the O.C.A.S.C.; "I will communicate with you when I hear their decision, which I hope will be favourable."

As I went out I saw him putting the document carefully in the right-hand pocket of his coat.

A week passed, two weeks, three weeks, but I did not hear from him. Finally relief came from a quarter which I had overlooked. I wrote at once to the Transport Officer, the A.A. and Q.M.G., and the O.C.A.S.C.

"Sir,―With reference to our conversation of the 18th ult., I have the honour to state that the question which you were good enough to discuss with me on that date has been satisfactorily settled by the arrival of a third member within my family circle. Since this entitles me to an additional 1 cwt. of transport, I need not trouble you further in the matter. Both mother and child are doing well, thank you. I have the honour to be, Sir,

Your obedient Servant,
Sempronius Smith."

Not one of them wrote to congratulate me.

"4/- Postal Order sent with worn Umbrella to Betts, Stephens Green, Dublin, will be returned same day equal to new."

Irish Daily Independent.

It is something to get the money back, even if the umbrella is not recovered.