Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/332

[To the employers of the men who sank the liner Falaba and laughed at the cries and struggles of drowning men and women.]

I've had to get rid of my Commissionaire because he was an ex-Sergeant Major. I found myself standing to attention and waiting for permission to fall out after requesting him to post a letter. I felt impelled to salute my articled clerk and my youthful nephews when I met them in the street. The climax was reached when I was actually slanged in a recruit squad by my dismissed office-boy, who is home from the Front on sick leave. The only remedy that appeared feasible was to secure a commission myself.

I broached the subject to a Territorial Colonel who was at that time a friend of mine. He said he wasn't forming a cricket team, but that if he had been in want of a slow bowler he would have been delighted to recommend me.

The next man I tried was also a Territorial Colonel. He had known my mother, but had no knowledge of me personally, so there was no excuse for his behaviour.

"I think you knew my mother." I said.

He was a man of caution and wanted to hear her name before committing himself. Judging that prevarication was useless and liable to lead to suspicion I disclosed it.

"I knew her well," he admitted, and held out his hand.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"I am my mother's son."

"I guessed it."

"I have been given to understand that there is a war on and that this country is involved."

"I have heard the rumour."

"No doubt. These things to get about. Even the Press had got hold of it. I shouldn't be surprised if there are questions in the House on the subject."

"I think that we may assume that this rumour is not without foundation. What then?"

"It seemed to me to be the kind of thing one ought to be in, and that as you are, in a sort of way, a friend of the family, I couldn't do better than have you as a Commanding Officer."

"You will find the Recruiting Sergeant on the next floor―second door on the left. To avoid mistake my orderly will show you the way." He rose, and out of compliment to my prospective C.O. I rose too.

"Then I may take it that I shall be gazetted in due coure. I hope that it won't be too soon as I have one or two things I should like to arrange."

"Oh, you want a commission?" We sat down again.

"That was my idea. I hadn't thought of serving in the ranks as my friends tell me that I should be wasted there, and seeing that you knew my mother the position might be a little embarrassing for both of us. I thought of taking a position as a Quartermaster."

"Any experience?"

"Not very much to speak of."

"How much?"

"I once spent a week with an Army crammer, but we didn't get on well together. He didn't understand my French."

"A Quartermaster's duties are rather technical."

"I have some legal experience. I am rather good at filling up forms. I have a light style which goes down pretty well. I should like you to see some of my correspondence with the Inland Revenue people―I fancy you'd like it. I think that I shall get the better of them if I can keep the matter going for another couple of years. Of course it's early days yet―the matter has only been under discussion for four years―but they've already shown distinct signs of weakening. So in case of any little argument with the County Authorities or the War Office———"

"Any other qualification?"

"I'm pretty good at games. I write a bit―hardly enough to be a vice. I've appeared on the boards as an amateur and have escaped matrimony."

"I'm afraid I haven't a vacancy for a Quartermaster at the moment."

"If you're already suited I don't want to press the Quartermaster job. In a crisis like the present one ought not to be too particular. I should even be prepared to take an ordinary commission, though I can't say that I care much for walking."

"Any military experience?"

"Well, I once wore a sword at a fancy-dress ball. After I put it in the cloak-room at the urgent request of the stewards it only ruined one silk hat, and that was the fault of the attendant, who didn't understand swords. Of course I've played soldier parts. One of my most successful rôles was a peppery colonel."

"How old are you?" my I was afraid that he would ask my age, as it's my one weak spot from a military point of view.

"Does one have to justify any statement as to age?" I asked.

"A birth certificate must be produced."

"That's awkward. The only one I've got gives the impression that I was born in 1875. I've always had my doubts as to its accuracy, as I can't say that I recall the event. They do make mistakes at Somerset House. I might get them to alter it, but they're rather fussy and dilatory, and one can't expect the War to last for ever. I must look into the matter and see if I am justified in amending it myself. Suppose we say born in 1885; that only means altering one figure."

"I'm sorry I haven't a vacancy. I've applied for more officers already than I'm strictly entitled to have."

"Then one or two more or less won't matter. I presume the War Office don't trouble to count up the number of officers in all the Territorial regiments. When an inspection is threatened you might give a few of us leave, so as not to overcrowd the parade. I shouldn't be upset at being left out of it. When shall I join?"

"After the War, when we shan't be so busy."

He looked at his watch and manœuvred me through the door into the passage, where I tripped over a sentry.