Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/318

I think it may interest you to know what the Press here is saying about the War. In Italy we do not have "Stop Press News" or "Latest News from the Front." We browse instead on "Ultimate Notices" and "Recentissimies" (an Ultimate Notice bearing about the same relationship to a Recentissimy as a London "egg" to a London "new-laid egg"). The language also possesses the advantage of enabling one to make short work of places like Lwew (Leopoli is both elegant and practicable), though towns consisting purely of consonants remain the same Shibboleths here as elsewhere. We have apparently several sources of information, and from a general sifting of telegrams I have come to the conclusion that those headed G.E. are trustworthy, while those preceded by E.V. are not. Caterina, who makes periodical sorties from the kitchen to proffer pantomimic assistance when I am in difficulties, suggests that they all emanate from the Devil; but then she is a Sicilian.

"(G.E.) One announces from Londra, and The Daily Mews annexes grand importance to this telegram," etc., is read with interest and only slight mental reservation. "(E.V.) From Berlino by radiotelegrafy" (we read on for fun) "one is informed that ten English ships of war became sunk in the sea of the North after a sconflict with our torpedoes"; or telegrams headed, "The War reflected from Berlino," are frankly dismissed with a smile of superior wisdom or an impatient shrug.

You must not suppose that because Italy is neutral she is sparing of headlines and large type; on the contrary, we indulge in these in a most liberal manner. Then, too, regarding our official news, we are not to be put off with such dry stuff as the consolidation of positions round Perthes or slight progress near to Berry-au-Bac. We have instead strictly neutral guesses of an agreeably titillating nature:―

"The Russians respinted from Polonia?" "The defunct general Haddanuffsky shall have been resurrected?" "80,000 prisoners and four mitragliatrices impadronited by the Austrians?"

Unfortunately other sentences apparently guileless are not all that they seem, and Caterina's gestabulary is not always equal to coping with them. On the other hand, "The German State Major has prepared since a long time a vast and complex piano," etc., is obviously sheer rubbish.

Some gems I secrete from Caterina, and hug them in all their fascinating obscurantism to my British bosom. For example―"Scontri fra pattuglie di cavalleria nelle trincee nel pomeriggio del 24." I often brood over this. Scounters between pattugles of cavalry" opens well enough; but the rest seems to be a conundrum.

The Italian language is nothing if not courteous. Note how amiably it refers to its but lately bitterest enemies: "Discomfiture of two Turkish divisions." On another page of the same issue popular satisfaction would appear to have outrun editorial courtesy: "Turks slogged from Tschoroch. Ottoman defeat complete." Caterina was too mild over "sloggiati," inferring a pushing movement; perhaps, however, the Italians, being a Southern race, slog more gently than the Russians.

We do not feed solely on Allied and German telegrams. We have independeut comments of our own on the War in general. We examine the conditions on the two fronts dispassionately, and though one writer in The Courier of the Evening is inclined to believe that it will take the Allies thirteen years to reach Cologne, on the other hand a more hopeful gentleman entertains the opinion that the new English armies will upset the squilibrio (apple-cart?).

Caterina and I discourse non-committally on the chances of the "War of Dirigibles and Submergibles," Caterina on the whole favouring the Zipiloins. Colourless anecdotes and recently-fulfilled prophecies round up our daily mental fare. Sometimes by way of a bonne bouche we have a horoscope of the Kaiser (Guglielmo). And so from the huge Recentissimies of the War we descend to the small beer or "Little Chronicles":―"The Parisian Pythoness;" "Grave suicide of promised spouses; identification of these." Finally we peruse with languor the advertisements or "Little Publicities," for after all the journalistic emotion we have been through we feel as though we had actually been struggling with the Germans in Sciampagna and Fiandra, and were really taking our share in the great cataclismo (world-sconflict).

"18,000 words often mispronounced, W. H. P. Phpfe."

Advt. in Hong Kong Daily Press."

If Mr. Phpfe can pronounce his own name correctly, there can scarcely be 18,000 words that present difficulties to him.

"The Railway Department announces that arrangements have been made for a reduced train service, whereby a million males per year will be 'saved.'"―Sydney Daily Telegraph.

Saved for the line, we hope. With this splendid Australian example before them our own railways can surely spare a few more men for the colours.

On the whole ours is a good corps. We have bits of most things, but for a long time lacked a ski section. I mentioned the matter to our Commandant, not in the spirit of reproach but of suggestion. After considerable hesitation he gave me permission to raise one. He is rather old-fashioned in his ideas and seemed to doubt the practical utility of the section. He even talked about the approach of Summer. He has spent the last few years in India and forgotten the rigours of an English May. I pointed out to him that France might well reproach us with not taking the War seriously when we were not even training skiers to meet Anton Lang on equal terms should he land on the East Coast from Oberammergau.

I was lucky in getting a nucleus, consisting of two men who had skied before, three who had seen skis, and four who had heard of them. We bought up a derelict stock laid in before the War in anticipation of Winter sports.

As the snow harvest in this country is somewhat uncertain, I decided to start drilling without waiting for a fall. I had some difficulty in getting the squad to form fours neatly. I had to reprimand Bailey several times for treading on the skis of his rear-rank man. Bailey didn't properly understand the things and would insist that they had sent him an odd pair.

Our most effective turn was marking time. I am told that we could be heard two miles off, and that a number of people mistook us for a pom-pom in action.

I have had several offers of Music Hall engagements if I can get my men a little more effective.

The section had standing orders to mobilize at the top of Ludgate Hill at the first sign of snow. I thought that this would be a nice easy slope for them to start practising on. Our first mobilisation was rather a fiasco owing to the unsatisfactory nature of the snow. Several flakes looked like setting, but were run over by motor-buses in their early infancy.

On the second occasion our manœuvres were spoilt by the obstinacy of the Commissioner of Police and the Corporation. The former refused to stop the traffic, whilst the employés of the latter made spasmodic efforts to steal our snow. This led to confusion, the permanent loss of one man to our corps and the ruin of three pair of skis. It was unfortunate that the motor-bus and our casualty both skidded at the same time and in one another's direction. I think that the motor-bus was to blame, because the skier started his